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My Husband 33 Year Afair Does This Make Me The Other Woman To Them


garciagirl

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I am so confused an ashamed. I feel so stupid.

 

This may ramble a bit but I want to show just how BIG the betrayal is so you can understand the enormity of my pain

 

I have been married for 16 years. I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has been having a long term affair with the same woman "X" for 33 years.

 

When I met him he told me he had a few girlfriends in the past less than 4 . But had been married for 10 years was divorced 5 years(with 2 great kids) this is nothing unusual in a 37 year old man.

 

About 3 months ago I found out the truth

 

It does not matter how but he did not tell me.

 

After i confronted him this was the story "

 

He tells me X was his first and he was in love with her . they were both 18. He found out she was having sex with 4 other guys plus him. But he still loved her. She married someone else and really ridiculed and embarrassed him when she broke up. Then 3 months later she calls and tells him she is pregnant with his kid but he not man enough to raise it so she going to tell her husband it is his.

 

Now I find out after that for 2 years after this he was going to whore houses and got involved with a biker gang and bought women for 6 packs of beer.

 

Then joined the military and used it as a meat market for one night stands for another 4 years

 

Married the first wife and joined the reserves still buying whores off the street and military one night stands when away on duty.

 

Then X reappears,

He stopped the whores and took up with her again.

 

She was still married to the same guy so he would see her off and on whenever she would let him.

Wife divorces him. ( amazingly she did not know about any of the infidelities)

He joins PWP which he uses as a meat market gets several steady girlfriends but is never faithful to any of them.

 

Then X appears again and they start up th affair again.

 

He meets me about this time.

I was recently widow and come from a Mormon background. He tells me nothing about X or any of the above. I thought he was experienced with maybe 4 or 5 woman and his ex wife.

 

He now tells me he knew i would never date him if i knew the truth so he never told. Its not so much that he was sexually active its the number of women at least 60 by his account . and the total hatred of women that he showed.

 

We get married and X follow as him to our home tells him not to worry she won't get involved with me but that he belongs to her.

 

He tells me for the first year he was faithful ( I find that real hard to believe)

But from year 2 through the next 14 years he was unfaithful to me with her. I never had any idea. He even brought her into our group of acquaintances saying she was an old family friend of his deceased mother.

They used her house and my house for their sexual encounters of say 1 or 2 a month using planning and timing that would make a Swat team look sloppy.

 

He would run to her whenever she wanted him and he would do whatever she requested. It was like she had a chain around his neck.

 

She and her husband have since moved to another state. The last sexual part of the affair was about 3 years ago.

However the emotional part of the affair kept going until I found out 3 months ago.

 

Now i see that all the fights and problems and just plain meaness he showered on me for these 14 years always happened around the time he had some contact with her.

 

I gave my husband the option of leaving but of course he does not want to go.Now he loves me and will Die without me Yeah right

 

We have two teenage daughters together. They know everything as X threatened to tell them unless I gave her access to my family. I told her to get lost and told the kids myself so she could not blackmail us. I also told her I would let the cat out of the bag about her and my husbands child if she ever contacts us again

 

My husband entered therapy with a priest who tells us he was like an abused wife when he was with her. That she treated him so very badly but he kept coming back for more trying to gain her approval for over 30 years.

My kids want the marriage to continue The priest says as long as he never has anything to do with X again we should try to work it out.

 

I however am so hurt and devastated that my whole marriage has been a lie that I am falling apart. I DO NOT KNOW THIS MAN HE IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THEN WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS. I am beginning to think I was the other woman in their relationship.

 

I do not know how to heal myself. I tried therapy for a while but it was no help.

 

Can anyone give me some guidence or suggestions on how to stop the pain and erase the shame and images.

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Wow, am I ever sorry. That probably is worse than most of us have had to deal with...

 

Everyone else can tell you what they think you should do. But it is you who have to make the decision - and live with the results. Remember that. It is you.

 

My guess? He is not worth it. Maybe he is like the "abused wife" of X, but what means he is going to change? A fling is one thing. A year-or-so relationship is one thing (my marriage survived that - so far). But all sixteen years you have been married??? Wow. That's a little too much to handle.

 

Good luck.

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Oh good lord! I am so sorry to hear about your horrible story. Really, what's to be gained? I can't imagine that this man will ever be able to break his connection to this woman successfully. People keep talking about a 'marriage' continuing when all it means is that all the people who are involved still live in the same house long after all the critical components of 'marriage' are gone. Maybe if you want to live in the same house as roommates for the convenience of access to children, (if you can stand it), do so.

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Wow.

 

Your story is almost mind-blowing. But what I see in it is a man who is, for all intents and purposes, enslaved to this other woman. She sets the boundaries, calls the shots. She determines how he interacts with other women. He would give her power over his family, his children! Although it's appalling, forget for a second about his lack of loyalty to you, and consider that your husband was willing to expose your children to this viscious woman. He would put her before them!

 

I've never understood the enormous significance some people place upon their first loves. My first love was an immature guy, and I was immature when I was with him. I don't wish to recapture that part of my life -- I'm glad I've left it behind! But I recognize that not everyone sees it that way.

 

It seems likely to me that, first love or not, she represents something else to him. Is it a question of "value," of proving his worth to a woman who early on deemed him to be insufficient (not enough money, not the right family background)? There is something about her that triggers something in him. It's not any quality that she possesses, I'd be willing to bet. It's probably that, in his mind, she has become symbolic of something he has always wanted to be. Perhaps he's been trying to prove himself for all these years, maybe her early rejection of him set him on a path that won't be completed until she recognizes that he's better than all those other men she was sleeping with; better than the guy she married.

 

So it's not so much about her, the actual person she is, but rather the thing she represents to him. And so the distance doesn't matter, he's always going to orbit around her. She can be mean, threatening, an absolute monster -- he'll stay stuck on her.

 

If I've read your situation correctly, I suppose it's possible that he could sort through his issues to get to the bottom of what has attracted him to her for such a long time. It's possible, sure. But only if he is really dedicated to solving his problems, and eliminating her from his life permanently.

 

Whatever you decide, I think it should be based on what you want, what will work best for you. You should be talking to a therapist as well - your husband has fundamentally broken your trust in him, and has made you question your ability to even know him at all. Your daughters are old enough to know what's going on, and while their wish to see their parents stay together is understandable, I don't think that should be what guides your decision. Nor should it be based on what the priest thinks is best. It should be what you think is best, after doing lots of reflection, with the assistance of a counselor who is only involved with you as far as this situation is concerned. Someone who's only interested in your perspective.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves this, and there's no way you could have known it was going on. I hope you can reach a resolution that will allow you to regain your balance and find happiness again.

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He sounds like a totally screwed up and unhappy person seeking (but never finding) solace because of damage from his first love. You have been the victim of this and have every right to leave him if you no longer love him or are not prepared to expose yourself to further risk. If however, you still love him and feel he may be able to break free of his addiction then it is worth persevering.

 

I do not know how to heal myself. I tried therapy for a while but it was no help.

Can anyone give me some guidance or suggestions on how to stop the pain and erase the shame and images

 

I have a little experience of this (studied clinical psychology). There are many schools of therapy all founded on entirely different sometimes contradictory principles - all have a similar level of success in helping people. It's the contact with someone with whom you can empathize and is relatively objective that makes the difference. If your therapy didn't work it could be that you did not have enough in common for real empathy to occur or that you found the clinical approach alienating. Talking (of the right type) helps. Please do try different therapists until you find one that can help you (often ones that use a variety of approaches rather than being wedded to one school are most effective). If you are unable to do this, find a friend/aquaintence/family member to talk to. Seeking support on this site helps some get through too.

 

When something truly awful happens, people tend to feel anger, shame, both - it's part of the natural grieving process. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the man you thought you knew - it will pass in time.

 

Remind yourself when you visualize these images that he was not happy - that what you had with him was probably the closest thing to happiness he has ever known. Remind yourself also that you are stronger than you know and, with or without him, you will be happy again.

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