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My boyfriend acting completely cold & different


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I've been with my boyfriend for 11 years - we had our ups and downs and 6years into the relationship he broke it off saying he didn't love me. But 3months later he wanted me back and said he made a mistake. In that 3 months we were not a couple but he was still seeing me and we slept together a few times but I heard from a friend that he was interested in one of her girl friends so I said to him no for sex when I found that out. In our time together he has never physical abuse me but he was always blaming me if something went wrong or he threat to slap me or said I'm stupid. It was not all the time like that but its was good than bad then good. We got back together and everything was fine but we went back to the old pattern (good and than not that good times) so now 11 years later I 1 day found hes email open and I start reading some of them it was to a girl he works with and it always ends in kisses and hugs. One email he say he loves her and she say it back to him. In another she talks about a night after they slept together. From time to time he goes out with the ''boys''(and never come home) thats what he tells me and then I can't get hold of him he just doesn't answer his phone. Well I just don't get him he tells me he loves me and that I'm the love of his live but he treats me so cold and is so distant with me. I don't understand why if he loves her why doesn't he just leave me. I'm to scared to leave him. He can never know I know of her! I told him how I felt like he didn't have interest in me anymore and that I was confused by how cold he had become. He turned it around on me and said I didn't care about him, or what was going on in his life and his stresses (he say he is stressing a lot at work), and all I cared about was myself. When we are together he barely interacts with me. And if I will go over to give him a hug or kiss it looks like I am desturbing him. The anxiety about this is taking its toll. I have tried to talk to him about this again, just asking if he still wanted to be with me and he answered yes, but that he was overly stressed??? I don't understand - why if he is so unhappy here with me and looks like he is sulking everyday why does he not break up with me. He told her he loves her so why is he keeping me. Please help. Maybe I'm wrong - I just don't know anymore. Help?

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I've been with my boyfriend for 11 years - we had our ups and downs and 6years into the relationship he broke it off saying he didn't love me. But 3months later he wanted me back and said he made a mistake. In that 3 months we were not a couple but he was still seeing me and we slept together a few times but I heard from a friend that he was interested in one of her girl friends so I said to him no for sex when I found that out. In our time together he has never physical abuse me but he was always blaming me if something went wrong or he threat to slap me or said I'm stupid. It was not all the time like that but its was good than bad then good. We got back together and everything was fine but we went back to the old pattern (good and than not that good times) so now 11 years later I 1 day found hes email open and I start reading some of them it was to a girl he works with and it always ends in kisses and hugs. One email he say he loves her and she say it back to him. In another she talks about a night after they slept together. From time to time he goes out with the ''boys''(and never come home) thats what he tells me and then I can't get hold of him he just doesn't answer his phone. Well I just don't get him he tells me he loves me and that I'm the love of his live but he treats me so cold and is so distant with me. I don't understand why if he loves her why doesn't he just leave me. I'm to scared to leave him. He can never know I know of her! I told him how I felt like he didn't have interest in me anymore and that I was confused by how cold he had become. He turned it around on me and said I didn't care about him, or what was going on in his life and his stresses (he say he is stressing a lot at work), and all I cared about was myself. When we are together he barely interacts with me. And if I will go over to give him a hug or kiss it looks like I am desturbing him. The anxiety about this is taking its toll. I have tried to talk to him about this again, just asking if he still wanted to be with me and he answered yes, but that he was overly stressed??? I don't understand - why if he is so unhappy here with me and looks like he is sulking everyday why does he not break up with me. He told her he loves her so why is he keeping me. Please help. Maybe I'm wrong - I just don't know anymore. Help?

 

If a good friend told you this story, what would you tell her to do?

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Mme. Chaucer

I know you feel terrible, but I don't understand what you are asking.

 

Evidently, this unhealthy relationship is okay with you. He loves another woman, he is distant and cold, etc, but you still accept all of it.

 

If you decide you deserve much, much more out of a relationship and "LOVE," then you know what YOU need to do.

 

I hope you get to that point before more of your years are wasted.

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If a good friend told you this story, what would you tell her to do?

 

So why doesn't he just leave me. If he find someone els why is he keeping me and telling me he loves me. What is he thinking?

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Mme. Chaucer

You're certainly not going to get the answer to "what is he thinking" on an Internet forum. Ask him.

 

It doesn't matter, anyway.

 

Loving someone is shown by behavior. Not by saying "I love you" while ignoring, lying, cheating, name calling, slapping, etc.

 

It sounds like this relationship has been a wreck, basically, for most of 11 years. If it's okay with you the way it is, then go for it. Obviously, it's working for him, for some reason. Probably because it's easy and familiar and he gets to do whatever he wants anyway.

 

If this relationship as it is today is not good for you (and I would hope it's not), YOU do the breaking up.

 

Why are you accepting the unacceptable?

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Mme. Chaucer

And you probably do his laundry and stuff.

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There once was a man who had some cake . . . .

 

Yep, he likes to have his cake and eat it, too. He can apparently get you to do whatever he wants, have sex with you, and have a girlfriend on the side. If you don't give him some motivation to change, some consequences for his actions, then he's not going to change.

 

To me, you sound scared and fearful to leave. That's the bigger problem. You need to get a friend or family member to help you get out of there. Dump the schmuck.

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Lauriebell82
Yes we have been living together for 11 years. So thats why it is so hard for me to leave.

 

Thats understandable. But he does not treat you right and is in love with another woman. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.

 

What are you so scared of though? Being alone? Never finding anyone else?

 

How old are you by the way?

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So why doesn't he just leave me. If he find someone els why is he keeping me and telling me he loves me. What is he thinking?

 

The better question is - now that you know he loves someone else - why haven't YOU left?

 

You have choices! Those choices affect YOUR happiness! You aren't going to be happy with the choice of staying - while knowing full well he's cheating.

 

Tell him he's a cheater and a liar- and that you are finished with his cheating ways.

 

No need for discussion... Just state what YOU are going to DO - which is to move!

 

You deserve the best - never, ever settle!

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Diamonds&Rust

Have you looked into a domestic violence shelters in your area? In some cases, the threat of violence is enough. Most of the time, they will not require you to press charges and they all will tell the truth about whether they can keep that kind of confidentiality. Is there a number that you can call that connects you with resources like that? Often times, if you call the wrong hotline, they will refer you to a correct one.

 

The shelter's inevitable requirement that you cease contact with him may be unbearably difficult to follow through with, but it could save your life for far more urgent reasons than the somewhat-helpful suggestion that you look into ways of improving your self-esteem or at least the quality of happiness you can derive from your life.

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