What if your partner told you they loved the other woman, how would you feel.

[goldengirl86]

Hi everyone

I was just wondering how would you feel if your husband or wife/ partner told you they loved the other woman/man. Not that he/s was leaving you for her/him, but that they loved them as well.

I guess when i imagine being married and my husband the concept is that once he marries me then he loves only me, and i honestly dont think i would be able to get over the fact that they fell in love with someone else. I know in life we fall in love with alot of people, but things dont work out and you break up, they in part will always have apart of your heart and in away you will always love them. However, once you agree to spend the rest of your life with someone, your agreeing to be there one and only, unless otherwise agreed.

 

I mean cheating breaks the codes of marriage/partnership, but i think in away you probably could forgive someone for being physically intimate with someone else, but could you get over them loving someone else.

 

I've heard of stories where women will say he said he loved her, but that was just the affair fog because afterwards he said he did not.

In retrospect i think the husband or the wives say this because they want to shut you up if that makes sence, they dont want to have to listen to you say, but you said you loved her/him. so they tell you want you want to hear. I think if yo felt at the time and you beleived it then it was true, the affair fog is just the same as that falling in love phase at the beginning of a new relationship, though i think it does depend upon the situation etc.

 

The whole falling out of love thing, i love you, but im not in love with you. that makes no sence you either love them or not.

There is this whole saying that people may forget what you said, but they will never be able to forget the way you made them feel.

 

 

So could you truely get over them falling in love with someone else, or would it seep through your body like an infection, slowly destroying your love for them. Once the intial winning phase passed and life returned back to normal, normal problems etc how would you get rid of the doubt.

I think after an affair there is this honeymoon phase where the husabnd or wife showers you with attention, trys to make it up too you etc. You go to councelling to find out what was missing emotionally. The truth is though if you looked at the other person they would probalbly be the exact opposite of you, as you cant love two people at the same time that are similar. However, they have more obligation to there partner, house, kids, etc.

So how would you escape the belief that they are only with you because they are obligated. And that if it just came down to love who would they really be with, and more importantly would you want to be with someone who loved another at the same time. ( this question is or everyone really).

 

A councellor/psychologist's i think makes excuses for certain behaviour, they try and help understand why you do certain things, but there making educated quessed and once a thought is in your mind then you tend to take it and run with it, even though your heart says otherwise.

 

Anyway this ended up being a whole lot of rambling

Question could you truely get over your partner loving someone else.

[Severely Unamused]

Question could you truely get over your partner loving someone else.

Yes.

 

I would prefer an honest husband that tells me how he really feels, instead of somebody that throws rhetoric in my face to protect my feelings.

 

I hope that your intentions are completely innocent OP. This is a very loaded topic and I had a read of your recent breakup.

Edited December 5, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Severely Unamused]

She wants someone to tell her what she wants to hear and she thinks she can accomplish that by leaving out the pertinent parts of her own involvement with crazy.

 

I didn't think that her intentions were entirely innocent. But I try not to make assumptions.

 

I suppose I just gave you an answer that you didn't want to hear OP. If you did get a response that you wanted to hear, you would only receive a short-term high before returning to your unhappy state.

 

I know how hard it is to fight depression (you aren't really at your most rational state of mind). But I will say that you can learn from this experience and use it to improve your mental wellbeing.

Edited December 5, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[goldengirl86]

I think the question was misinterpreted, yes obsessed a little still! I asked from a broad pespective too if that makes sence, i just assume like you lady grey most people check out the other posts I make. I assume that the threads run into one another.

 

I wanted to know how people feel inside and understand there feelings, why we do the things we do etc. Why even the other woman aka me would let someone say they loved another at the same time, because i know it did not reminise with me. And when he said he did not love her, changed his mind later, i never believed him, hence the question what is with the concept that you love soemone but your not in love with them

And personally i think the affair fog is a load of crap, used to justify a man or womans behaviour. But how can i be punished for wanting information. I want to know why people do what they do, and how people feel so i know.

 

Do i think this is going over the top, yeah i think it is. But we deal witth things in different way, if i was not looking for answers then i would not be on here in the first place.

 

Ill be the first to admit that i did not set any boundaries down, i see now that no one did, and that why the situation got so out of hand. I Have cut contact, four days which should count for something.

 

I apologise if i have offended any of you! And am going to cancel my account as people seem to get offended if i dont ask the questions they want me to ask,as ultimately at he end of the day we all give advice and knowbody would ever encourage anyone to be with someone who is abusive etc. Everyone thinks they are being helpful, which i would do in the same situaton, but i need to stay away from online forums for awhile, and focus on other things, not this relationship. The truth is knowbody can understand another motives or feelings, and i would just get a small high for awhile, but it would not chnage anything. To be quite honest i never looked at the fact that asked the question as being decietful or whatever you guys thought. guess im looking for a pyschic/empath and im not going to find one. Thanks though everyone, the truth is i never actually gave my story i gave theres. Though i would imagine that mine and his story would still result in the same answers . a gave a little of my experences but the rest where there relationship and i see now that by creating all the focus on them have ignored myself and made myself unhappy in the process. At the end of the day it does not matter what happens between them etc, it matters what happens with me.

[stillafool]

 

The whole falling out of love thing, i love you, but im not in love with you. that makes no sence you either love them or not.

There is this whole saying that people may forget what you said, but they will never be able to forget the way you made them feel.

 

 

 

Yes is makes sense because you can love someone like family but may no longer have a romantic love for them. I still love my ex husband like family but those in love feelings have been long gone; however I do wish him the best and hope he's happy.

 

To answer your question; if my husband told me he was in love with another woman he would be free to leave. I would let him go to her and would be willing to never lay my eyes on him again.

Edited December 5, 2011 by stillafool

[Spark1111]

I, too, assumed my H loved his OW and gave him carte blanche to go be with her.

 

I felt that it is human nature to be attracted to and fall in love with another. Can happen to anyone at anytime.

 

What angered me more was the deception involved. And I have always felt this should anger the OW too. Live your love and life out loud, but be honest about it.

 

We could have separated as he pursued his feelings for another; gone to counseling to see if there was a marriage worth saving; and I too, may have dated others to see if there was someone out there for me.

 

Bottom line: In the honesty of it, as painful as it may have been, I and our kids would have respected him a lot more.

 

So why all the drama and subterfuge and hiding? Think on that because I have to great lengths personally and in therapy.

 

He cared for her deeply, but given the chance to be with her without too much interference from me, he chose not to. So love? No, not so much. He loved the way she made him feel about himself.

 

I think, in retrospect, he was very confused, depressed with himself, and truly did want to give up the marriage.

 

And he hurt me and another woman deeply in the process.

[2sure]

When I was OW, mm often told me he loved me. But , I knew what he really loved was the way I made him feel. He would also tell me he loved his wife, and I knew that although she did not make him feel the way I did that he loved her..for her.

 

So eventually when my I remarried and my H cheated...I was able to focus on him and the betrayal itself. Not the OW or his relationship with her.

[nofool4u]

Doesn't matter whether a partner of mine told me she loved the OM.

 

Either way, I'd tell her to get out and never come back.

[frozensprouts]

you say you asked your question in good faith, so i will do my best to answer in kind...

 

my husband never actually told me he loved "the other woman" ( he told her that in an email he'd left open on our computer when the doorbell rang and he went to answer it...he forgot he'd left his email open, and there it was on the screen). He did tell me he had "feelings" for her, but after I saw that I told him that since he loved her, they should be together ( I told her the same in an email I sent her).

The weird thing is that once he knew I was serious, their relationship was over, almost to the minute I told him.

 

I am not the first one who has had this experience, but I don't pretend to understand it. My only explaination would be that perhaps an affair is often "fantasy" that just doesn't mesh well with reality.

 

someone i know oncce compared an affair to a mushroom...it lives in the dark and feeds on bulls@#t ( the lies and sneaking and pain), but quite often dies when it gets exposed to the light of day.

 

I hope you don't mind a bit of personal advice, but I have to tell you reading your story and your posts makes me very sad for you. You seem like you are a very sweet and kind hearted person who doesn't want to hurt anyone, but, in the end, the person you are hurting the most is yourself. It sounds like you are really trying to stay out of contact with him so that you can move on and heal, and I think that's great. I expect it's really hard for you...just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it one day ( or even one minute) at a time. Don't be afraid to ask for help... it's okay to not be strong all the time...and, most of all, take your power back from him. Don't let him have the power to hurt you...you are better than that. He'll never give you what you are looking for, but I bet that you can find it in yourself if you just allow yourself to love you...you can be strong, you can get past this, you can be happy... you deserve to be:)

( sorry for the rant there, hope you didn't mind my "lecture" too much)

[18Years2Late]

My xMM did tell BS that he loved me, that he wanted to b with me, and that he had loved me for the past 20+ years (not hearsay...heard it from her)...so what did that change?...not a dam thing...he's still there and so is she...so to answer your question...I guess some BS don't really care who MM "says" he loves...as long as he still with her...she won the "prize"...only bc I stopped playing the game...Newsflash: nothing MM says matters...his actions tell u everything u need to know...

[18Years2Late]

Ok I just read your backstory...wow...

 

Sweetheart...I'm assuming 86 is your birth year...same year I graduated from HS...you are soooooooo young to b involved in this kind of emotional drama...you are a mess (ok so am I but stay with me here)...you think you are feeling out if control right now...just wait until he does something bad to one of his kids...there's not a therapist in the world who will cure u of that guilt...u say you're in therapy now?...get a new one...b honest with her about everything...all of it...that way she will have all the info to help you...please just step away from this guy...in 6 months you'll come back here and say "you know all u old timers were right...WTH was I thinking?"...it hurts like HELL... I know...but it will get easier...it will free up ALL of you heart to find someone who will treat u like the queen you are!!!...

 

Go buy the book "women who love to much"...read it...every word...GREAT book...and I'm not a reader...it's tough to read and you will cry but u will learn so much about your childhood forming the way u choose relationships as an adult...then talk about it with your IC...

 

Love YOU first...and wash your hands of this guy and his W...

[nofool4u]

My xMM did tell BS that he loved me, that he wanted to b with me, and that he had loved me for the past 20+ years (not hearsay...heard it from her)...so what did that change?...not a dam thing...he's still there and so is she...so to answer your question...I guess some BS don't really care who MM "says" he loves...as long as he still with her...she won the "prize"...only bc I stopped playing the game.

 

Otherwise you obviously would come out on top because you are better than his wife, right?

[Mr_Confused]

Reading a few of these posts I just want to point out at if you are the betrayed spouse, someone not leaving for the other person does not exclusively imply they chose you.

A marriage, good or bad, encompasses much more than than the relationship between the spouses...obviously we all know this. When you factor in children, finances, extended family, the circle of friends, the social ramifications of divorce - the spouse has a competitive advantage (likely a better way ton phrase this).

Point being many Ws run back home because they have thought little more about their actions than just the relationship aspect. Upon discovery it hits them like a wall and they run home. By the same token, absent of an affair, many people stay in miserable marriages due to constraining factors. Others stay solely from fear of change.

 

I think it is very possible to truly love the ow/om and feel compelled to stay in a marriage.

[nofool4u]

Reading a few of these posts I just want to point out at if you are the betrayed spouse, someone not leaving for the other person does not exclusively imply they chose you.

 

Yes, we are aware. You have made that obvious time and time again with your rub the nose in ***** stance you have.

[seren]

If my H had told me he loved the OW we would no longer be together as I would have told him to follow his heart, many of us do. If H had loved the OW and not me he would have left, the work he has put into making us work would be impossible without love at its core. That I love him is the reason I chose to stay and give our marriage a second chance. I don't buy the staying but loving another thing, it seems far too much like bull**** to me. To live with someone after D Day is one thing, to put in the effort, to show remorse and to spend time trying to woo back the BS after D Day takes a lot of effort, the BS is now alert to any bull and so would spot a half truth a mile off, well I would, so am speaking for myself here.

 

If what we have isn't love I don't know what is, I haven't forgotten he had an A, but neither have I forgotten all that we had and have and in balance, what we have is pretty dammed good. If he had loved the OW he just wouldn't be here and neither would I. Oh and I consider myself and our marriage 'the prize', but it really isn't a competition.

[SoMovinOn]

First of all, I thought the general rule was;

When a MM admits an A to his W, her first question is "Do you love her?"

When a MW admits an A to her H, his first question is "Did you have sex with him?" ... with the idea being a woman generally is more ok with her H having sex with someone else, but not with him being in love with her, while men are generally just the opposite.

 

Of course, not always true, but, in my experience, it does seem to play out that way most times.

 

 

Question could you truely get over your partner loving someone else.

 

I don't think it's so much a matter of getting over their relationship with the AP, emotional, physical or otherwise, as it is a matter of getting over their betrayal and destruction of trust.

[frozensprouts]

it may sound surprising to some that there are betrayed spouses out there who would rather live on their own than with a spouse who doesn't love them. some of us tell our wayward spouses that, and , surprise, they choose to stay in their marriage.

 

I can't help but not understand that a married man/woman can say that they cheat on their spouse because passion and sex are so important to them, and since they are not getting it at home, they have no real choice but to cheat. They are willing to risk everything for their affair, at that point n time, none of fit matters but themselves.. but all of a sudden, their spouse says "fine, if you want to go, then go", an awful lot of them drop their affair partner like a hot coal...perhaps sex and passion is not as important to them after all., as when they face losing everything, they quickly change their mind.

the sad part is that in order to meet their needs, these wayward spouses end up hurting a whole lot of other people....their spouse, kids, affair partners, families, etc.

[Mr_Confused]

Yes, we are aware. You have made that obvious time and time again with your rub the nose in ***** stance you have.

 

Hey grumpy pants....get over yourself. I think these forums exist for a variety of opinions to be expressed. Wow you've got a thorn in there....At least I don't feel singled out, I read your other posts and it's generally the same tone.

 

I sincerely hope you can find happiness in this world...life is way too short.

 

I am sorry for whatever happened to you (equally sorry for the thread jack - just can't take the attitude any more). I'd offer you this quote for consideration:

 

“When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each others’ presence."

Fredrick Buechner

[Mr_Confused]

it may sound surprising to some that there are betrayed spouses out there who would rather live on their own than with a spouse who doesn't love them. some of us tell our wayward spouses that, and , surprise, they choose to stay in their marriage.

 

I can't help but not understand that a married man/woman can say that they cheat on their spouse because passion and sex are so important to them, and since they are not getting it at home, they have no real choice but to cheat. They are willing to risk everything for their affair, at that point n time, none of fit matters but themselves.. but all of a sudden, their spouse says "fine, if you want to go, then go", an awful lot of them drop their affair partner like a hot coal...perhaps sex and passion is not as important to them after all., as when they face losing everything, they quickly change their mind.

the sad part is that in order to meet their needs, these wayward spouses end up hurting a whole lot of other people....their spouse, kids, affair partners, families, etc.

 

 

I agree 100% with everything posted here. I think it underscores the importance of spouses finding a way to effectively communicate, be empathetic toward each others distinct needs. Gender generalization would suggest men need sex, women need emotional fulfillment. The good news is that with a good intimate relationship both occur, everyone is "generally" fulfilled. All the peripheral aspects of a marriage aside, intimacy is what differentiates a people as a couple versus "great friends".

 

A marriage exists in two ways - to me, legally and emotionally. While I remain legally married we are emotionally divorced and have been for a long long time.

[Spark1111]

it may sound surprising to some that there are betrayed spouses out there who would rather live on their own than with a spouse who doesn't love them. some of us tell our wayward spouses that, and , surprise, they choose to stay in their marriage.

 

I can't help but not understand that a married man/woman can say that they cheat on their spouse because passion and sex are so important to them, and since they are not getting it at home, they have no real choice but to cheat. They are willing to risk everything for their affair, at that point n time, none of fit matters but themselves.. but all of a sudden, their spouse says "fine, if you want to go, then go", an awful lot of them drop their affair partner like a hot coal...perhaps sex and passion is not as important to them after all., as when they face losing everything, they quickly change their mind.

the sad part is that in order to meet their needs, these wayward spouses end up hurting a whole lot of other people....their spouse, kids, affair partners, families, etc.

 

I could not agree more, FS!

 

I grow weary of all these WSs who so objectify the BS, like we are a piece of furniture to be lumped in with the assets, the reputation, the kids and the mortgage.

 

As if WE do not desire passion, hot sex, romance with someone we are romantically connected with on the deepest, most inimate level possible!

 

As if we had no say about our future, clung to the status quo, the house, the facade of happy couple and family life over a sexually passionate relationship and futue with someone we loved.

 

Like we were a non-entity in the entire decision process; as if our WS had true love with only the AP but chose us to keep the 401k and their family guy reputation.

 

Give me a break! That type of one dimensional and selfish compartmentalization is what landed these WS's in the affair to begin with.

 

It is not the 1950s anymore. If anyone thinks the BS is honored to have you home to provide the facade with no questions asked, no accountability, no passion and reinvestment into the relationship, while you silently sit around pining for your AP.....

 

...sigh...what a martyr you must be.....you have no clue to mindset of the modern day BS.

 

He/she wants exactly what you had....if not from you, then from somebody else.

[Steen719]

it may sound surprising to some that there are betrayed spouses out there who would rather live on their own than with a spouse who doesn't love them. some of us tell our wayward spouses that, and , surprise, they choose to stay in their marriage.

 

I can't help but not understand that a married man/woman can say that they cheat on their spouse because passion and sex are so important to them, and since they are not getting it at home, they have no real choice but to cheat. They are willing to risk everything for their affair, at that point n time, none of fit matters but themselves.. but all of a sudden, their spouse says "fine, if you want to go, then go", an awful lot of them drop their affair partner like a hot coal...perhaps sex and passion is not as important to them after all., as when they face losing everything, they quickly change their mind.

the sad part is that in order to meet their needs, these wayward spouses end up hurting a whole lot of other people....their spouse, kids, affair partners, families, etc.

 

From The Big Chill:

Michael: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.

Sam Weber: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.

Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

[flutterbykiss]

Actions speak louder than words. This is especially true in an A situation because cheaters are liars. They have demonstrably lied to get something they want so their words are not to be taken as proof of anything. No matter what a WS says, only his/her actions that really indicate what is most important to them.

 

For this reason, I don't buy the story that the WS really loves the OW/OM but can't leave their M for whatever reason (children, money, reputation). The WS has already shown the lengths they will go to, to get what they want. If they truly wanted to leave their M then it's not unreasonable to expect that they would find a way to do that, too. Furthermore, how much can the WS really love the OW/OM if they are prepared to put such superficial things as money, family expectations, etc, ahead of being with the OW/OM in an open and legitimate way?

 

I'm sorry to the OP but I also truly believe in the A 'fog'. I believe it fools everyone - OM/OW, the BS and even the WS. It's only with sufficient distance, and detachment from the emotions that create it, that our perspective becomes clear enough to recognize it. Up close, we are all too blinded.

 

Gender generalization would suggest men need sex, women need emotional fulfillment.

 

IMO, men need sex for emotional fulfillment - ie, validation and acceptance and connection to another human being.

Edited December 7, 2011 by flutterbykiss

[nofool4u]

Hey grumpy pants....get over yourself.

 

Get over yourself Mr. Cheater.

 

You constantly feel the need to rub BS's nose in crap. We all know a POS WS will stay in a marriage for other reasons, and that they will do so not loving their BS. We know this. We know you simply feel the need to push it in their faces.

[Mr_Confused]

Get over yourself Mr. Cheater.

 

You constantly feel the need to rub BS's nose in crap. We all know a POS WS will stay in a marriage for other reasons, and that they will do so not loving their BS. We know this. We know you simply feel the need to push it in their faces.

 

You can add me to your 'ignore' list if my posts offend you.

 

I dnt intend to rub anyones nose in anything. I just post my experience and opinion and refrain from personal attacks. I wish nothing but the best to everyone. I hope you have a wonderful day.

[thomasb]

Wow. If I had ever told my wife that she would have said not to let the door hit me where the good Lord split me. :laugh: I wouldn't have anyway since I never loved the OW. I loved my wife before, after and during the affair. I'm lucky she chose recovery.