depresme Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 The holiday season seems to really depress me. I have been with my wife for about 13 years know. We have only been married 3 1/2 and we are around 27. We have had many great times and also have had our share of rocky times. In the past year I have revealed to hear my infidelities. I have cheated on her in college and also before that, nothing like long term affiars, more or less one night stands. She knows who it was and when it has happened and nothing has happened in about 8 years. I am truly devoted to her and love her with all my life. There is one other time I have messed up and it was about 11-12 years ago and I don't know whether or not to tell her. She has told me to just move on, forget about it and start making new memories. We were very young and made mistakes. She has also made a mistake about 10 years and I have dealt with that. We are happliy married but am continously thinking about this and don't know why. We were young, very young and stupid, She said something to me one time, that she would rather have it happen then rather than now. I just hope she has truly forgiven me. Maybe it's because it's the holidays? I really don't know but if I should leave the past alone (11-12 years ago) and just continue to love her the way I have for many many years. We have delt with the past before and I am not very proud of myself, I actually hate myself for it but I have to get over it and nothing will ever change it. Anyway I really don't know what I was looking for but just thought I would tell you my story. I think this is actually pretty pathetic to be thinking about times that long ago but something has triggered it. Please anyone let me know what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 For God's sake, don't discuss anymore of your past crap with your wife and stop thinking about it. If you keep thinking of women you cheated with, go see a member of the clergy and talk about it. Evenutally, you wife is going to get sick of hearing about this stuff. Frankly, I think she's a saint for keeping you around. The fact that you bring this stuff up is going to hurt her so much worse if you continue on. Talk to other people you can trust if you must confess this stuff. Go and sin no more. Forgive yourself and follow your wife's instructions to move on. If you continue thinking about this stuff obsessively and talking to someone else doesn't help, then see a qualified psychologist who can help you deal with this kind of thinking. You're wife is a saint...like I said, don't burden her with anymore of your past crap. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 We all make mistakes when we are young. But only when we learn from those mistakes do we make the passage into adulthood. It seems your wife has forgiven you for what happened before you were married and is happy to leave the past in the past. And I think its good that you have not forgotten these things. It seems you've learned from those mistakes and without sincere regret, it would be too easy to repeat them again. Embrace the fact that you are able feel remorse. It is what makes you human. But don't allow guilt to consume the happy moments the two of you are fortunate enough to share now. I think because of what you've been through, and the second chance the two of you have been given, you will be better prepared to recognize the warning signs and relationship pitfalls that caused you to stray before. Now, rather then falling back on past behaviors, you can use that acquired wisdom to yank your relationship back on track and avoid this scenario in the future...or at least understand yourself well enough to know that the residual affects of infidelity do not digest well with you. When I can look Life in the eyes, Grown calm and very coldly wise, Life will have given me the Truth, And taken in exchange---my youth. * Sara Teasdale Link to post Share on other sites
peakey Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Sometimes when a person wants to end their marriage, they have an affair so that gives them an excuse to break up. In your case, you're not having an affair, but you're dredging up past affairs. I know you say you're happily married, but is there someting in your relationship that's bugging you? Are you wanting to give your wife disturbing information about your past to upset her and force her to make a decision about whether to stay together? You're very lucky that your wife has forgiven you and told you to move on. I really can't imagine why you would want to go on upsetting her with something that happened so long ago, unless you want to rock the boat. So sit down and have a good think about it. If you are truly happy in your marriage, and you and your wife love each other, then stop talking about these mistakes you made so long ago, and enjoy the happiness you have now. But if something else in your relationship or your life is making you unhappy, figure out what it is and deal with it. Talk about your issues to your wife, or see a therapist, or whatever. You mention that the holiday season depresses you. Do they make you think of ALL the bad things you've ever done? Find out why the holidays upset you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your concern about your infidelity so long ago may only be a symptom of something else troubling you. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 For God's sake, don't discuss anymore of your past crap with your wife and stop thinking about it. This is from Tony and it's 'ditto' for me....... Link to post Share on other sites
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