Revenge Affairs after couples reconcile

[Kismetly]

A dear friend of mine, lets call him John, has recently reconciled with his wife after a separation of about 18 months. His wife had a F/book affair with an old boyfriend and decided to move halfway across the country to be near her affair partner.

 

John is just a genuine, good, nice, hardworking, man. He was shattered when his wife left. He's a devoted father and family man and I think was just blindsided. He had ultimate trust in their relationship and no idea that they had problems signficant enough to send her into an affair.

 

John and his wife sold up their beautiful home, she moved close to her new boyfriend and he moved to the same city so he could share custody of the children. He did a lot of work on himself while they were separated. He travelled, he dated, he spent as much time as possible with his children. He remade himself.

 

However, he was always very clear that his preferred outcome would be to reconcile with his wife and have an intact family.

 

After they'd been separated just over 12 months, he raised the issue of formalising the divorce. He was dating and still being married was weird. I think she was shocked and surprised he'd gotten to the stage where he was willing to sever the tie - and she decided that she didn't want to divorce. She told him it was over with the boyfriend and that she wanted to reconcile.

 

He was beside himself. I've never seen a man so happy or so clear on what he expected the outcome would be. they'd get back together, return to the original city they lived in, kids would go back to their old school ... life would go on.

 

The lease came due on her apartment, so she moved in to his apartment, with the kids about 2 months ago. They are in counselling and for all intents and purposes they are planning on making their life together again.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, he started to talk about how now he's starting to feel resentment. He looks at her, and he can't quite believe that she actually had an affair (which didn't seem to worry him when he wanted her back so badly last year). He's also concerned because he suggested that now they are living together he stop paying her maintenance (she doesn't work) and they go back to a joint bank account. Apparently she didn't like that idea.

 

So ... this morning, he calls me, and tells me that he's all in a knot, because he was at a business meeting in the city a couple of nights ago and ran into a colleague. John and his colleague have been friends for a while, they work in the same company, in the same city together 2 weeks out of every month (he works away from home for those 2 weeks).

 

He and his colleague went out, he claims there's been sexual tension between them for months (although why he didn't act on that before he reconciled with his wife is anyones guess) and he spent the night with her.

 

He said he doesn't feel guilty and he doesn't know what he wants.

 

After I heard the story - I just thought immediately, "Revenge Affair". He's angry with his wife, nice, friendly woman available ... he goes for it ... which would be fine - but he says he thinks he might have feelings for this woman.

 

What's going on here? Is this normal? Why would a man patiently wait for his wife to work through her crisis for all that time, get what he wanted, then risk it like that?

 

Anyone experience a similar situation after reconciliation?

[Kidd]

A dear friend of mine, lets call him John, has recently reconciled with his wife after a separation of about 18 months. His wife had a F/book affair with an old boyfriend and decided to move halfway across the country to be near her affair partner.

 

John is just a genuine, good, nice, hardworking, man. He was shattered when his wife left. He's a devoted father and family man and I think was just blindsided. He had ultimate trust in their relationship and no idea that they had problems signficant enough to send her into an affair.

 

John and his wife sold up their beautiful home, she moved close to her new boyfriend and he moved to the same city so he could share custody of the children. He did a lot of work on himself while they were separated. He travelled, he dated, he spent as much time as possible with his children. He remade himself.

 

However, he was always very clear that his preferred outcome would be to reconcile with his wife and have an intact family.

 

After they'd been separated just over 12 months, he raised the issue of formalising the divorce. He was dating and still being married was weird. I think she was shocked and surprised he'd gotten to the stage where he was willing to sever the tie - and she decided that she didn't want to divorce. She told him it was over with the boyfriend and that she wanted to reconcile.

 

He was beside himself. I've never seen a man so happy or so clear on what he expected the outcome would be. they'd get back together, return to the original city they lived in, kids would go back to their old school ... life would go on.

 

The lease came due on her apartment, so she moved in to his apartment, with the kids about 2 months ago. They are in counselling and for all intents and purposes they are planning on making their life together again.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, he started to talk about how now he's starting to feel resentment. He looks at her, and he can't quite believe that she actually had an affair (which didn't seem to worry him when he wanted her back so badly last year). He's also concerned because he suggested that now they are living together he stop paying her maintenance (she doesn't work) and they go back to a joint bank account. Apparently she didn't like that idea.

 

So ... this morning, he calls me, and tells me that he's all in a knot, because he was at a business meeting in the city a couple of nights ago and ran into a colleague. John and his colleague have been friends for a while, they work in the same company, in the same city together 2 weeks out of every month (he works away from home for those 2 weeks).

 

He and his colleague went out, he claims there's been sexual tension between them for months (although why he didn't act on that before he reconciled with his wife is anyones guess) and he spent the night with her.

 

He said he doesn't feel guilty and he doesn't know what he wants.

 

After I heard the story - I just thought immediately, "Revenge Affair". He's angry with his wife, nice, friendly woman available ... he goes for it ... which would be fine - but he says he thinks he might have feelings for this woman.

 

What's going on here? Is this normal? Why would a man patiently wait for his wife to work through her crisis for all that time, get what he wanted, then risk it like that?

 

Anyone experience a similar situation after reconciliation?

 

There are a lot of posters that know my situation so I'm going to do my best not to thread-jack here.

 

I discovered my wife having a 13 month physical affair. I was shocked, she was remorseful and I chose to reconcile. Regardless of her following the textbook for recovery, and how much I love my wife, I just couldn't get over that she got to have this fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage. The more time that went by, the more resentful I became. It was just unfair and I couldn't get past it. I desperately wanted to just heal and keep my family intact. As things got better, this is the one thing I couldn't get over. Why exactly did I just have to suck it up? Where was my fantasy affair? It plagued me and would NOT go away. I also had a badly damaged ego. I didn't want to hurt my wife and I sought out a a short-term affair of my own. I wanted to just do it and get it over with. I figured I wouldn't be so angry with her anymore, would get my own fantasy fulfillment, and bring some balance to the situation. Then I could move on. I started and stopped the affair several times over the course of about a month and quite literally stopped just short of intercourse. I just couldn't do it. I came clean with my wife; we had a very open conversation about how the physical part of her affair was my roadblock. She was hurt, of course. I'm not trying to minimize it; it was awful but not the point of this post. But within a day, she gave me a pass to do whatever I needed to do and she wouldn't judge me for it. I left for a few days and did just that.

 

I returned to a wife that was still remorseful and quietly scared to death that we were over. It's not quite been two weeks so things are still raw but to be brief, we're doing ok. I would have preferred to have been strong enough to avoid this. The reality is that I wasn't.

 

I don't want to make this about me but I wanted to share some of my story because, like your friend, I wanted nothing more than to reconcile with my wife but made a very conscious choice to have an affair. Bizarrely, it was with the purpose of helping me to reconcile with my wife. Not saying it was right for me or for anyone. Just saying that I can relate. The jury will be out for some time on how it affects our R but I can say that I don't recommend it. I don't know if I could have reconciled the way I was but I'll never know. What I do know is that it hurt my wife and to a real extent, myself as well. Infidelity sucks sh*t.

[Spark1111]

I think that some people have all or nothing personalities.

 

They will always want that which they do not have.

 

Your friend became obsessed with having his wife and happy family life back. That dominated his thoughts until he acheived that.

 

Then, once that was obtained, he wanted again what he did not have, the affair high of having someone else desire him.

 

Now, he has acheived that.

 

So now, he will finally ALLOW himself to feel ambiguos and wonder what he really does want.... and he will wallow here for awhile until he finally decides if he wants his marriage or his freedom.

 

It's kinda sad to me....in his desperation to preserve what was, he still doesn't know.

 

Many people are like this. They may not want their spouse TRULY, they just do not want anyone to have them either.

 

Once their spouse returns and recommits, NOW they want an affair.

 

How sad. Want me an our life together or set me free. It's game playing as an art form.

 

Absolutely no different than having an affair, IMO. Two confused, blowing in the wind souls mired in confusion.

 

God help the kids.

[Kidd]

I think that some people have all or nothing personalities.

 

They will always want that which they do not have.

 

Your friend became obsessed with having his wife and happy family life back. That dominated his thoughts until he acheived that.

 

Then, once that was obtained, he wanted again what he did not have, the affair high of having someone else desire him.

 

Now, he has acheived that.

 

So now, he will finally ALLOW himself to feel ambiguos and wonder what he really does want.... and he will wallow here for awhile until he finally decides if he wants his marriage or his freedom.

 

It's kinda sad to me....in his desperation to preserve what was, he still doesn't know.

 

Many people are like this. They may not want their spouse TRULY, they just do not want anyone to have them either.

 

Once their spouse returns and recommits, NOW they want an affair.

 

How sad. Want me an our life together or set me free. It's game playing as an art form.

 

Absolutely no different than having an affair, IMO. Two confused, blowing in the wind souls mired in confusion.

 

God help the kids.

 

I traded my resentment for sadness (and mental movies for my wife). Not sure it was a good trade. It may have been "fair" to do but I know I'll always wish I hadn't hurt my wayward wife. And yes, considering the risk to my kids, I'll always wish I had found the patience for time to do its work. At the time, time wasn't working. I'm fortunate that I'm getting a second chance. I hope "John" makes his decision before his decisions make them for him.

[Breezy Trousers]

I think that some people have all or nothing personalities.

 

They will always want that which they do not have.

 

Your friend became obsessed with having his wife and happy family life back. That dominated his thoughts until he acheived that.

 

Then, once that was obtained, he wanted again what he did not have, the affair high of having someone else desire him.

 

Now, he has acheived that.

 

So now, he will finally ALLOW himself to feel ambiguos and wonder what he really does want.... and he will wallow here for awhile until he finally decides if he wants his marriage or his freedom.

 

It's kinda sad to me....in his desperation to preserve what was, he still doesn't know.

 

Many people are like this. They may not want their spouse TRULY, they just do not want anyone to have them either.

 

Once their spouse returns and recommits, NOW they want an affair.

 

How sad. Want me an our life together or set me free. It's game playing as an art form.

 

Absolutely no different than having an affair, IMO. Two confused, blowing in the wind souls mired in confusion.

 

God help the kids.

 

 

Absolutely true. A great post there, Spark.

 

I never had the desire for a revenge affair, per se. Infidelity crushed my self esteem and self-confidence too much. For others, it works in reverse. Affairs tend to make them want to prove their value in the world that much more. Both responses are based in illusion. Both responses imply the betrayed spouse had some responsibility for the affair occurring -- a cultural belief I had to walk away from a long time ago in order to heal.

 

I know in passing of two couples who experienced infidelity. A number of revenge affairs ensued. Both marriages died a long, horrible death.

[Spark1111]

Very few actually do.

 

 

 

You mean like "John's" wife, right?

 

 

 

 

 

Did you read the same post I did? I read the exact opposite...John was dating, had moved on, wanted to get divorced....his cheating wife sucked him back in though....

 

 

 

"Once that was obtained..." you're joking, right? His wife only moved back in with him because her lease was up...she's still getting spousal support...sounds like she is still playing him for her own purposes...

 

Also, John had been dating for the past year....he knew what it was like to have someone else desire him since he had been dating...so what are you talking about exactly?

 

 

 

Achieved...what? Where does it say that he felt he achieved that?

 

 

 

 

 

Wow you've turned the whole situation inside out...what John wonders is whether his wife is sincere...based on a year long affair, and not wanting to relinquish spousal support....

 

 

 

 

But he wasn't desperate to preserve what was...she destroyed it....and he'd moved on....then she reeled him back in....but it's the cheater who doesn't truly want to re-commit..for starters, she could give up the spousal support....she doesn't need it if her goal is reconciliation....right????

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're describing John's cheating wife here. Aren't you?

 

 

 

 

 

But she hasn't recommitted. When did she recommit? She moved back in because her lease was up.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes John's wife is a game player. You did mean his wife, right?

 

 

 

 

If there's confusion it has all been caused by John's wife's behavior....ridiculous of you to put any of this situation on John....his wife's cheating/mercenary character proven by not giving up spousal support....she doesn't want reconciliation at all....and John knows that....so does she....but she's a liar, cheat, and manipulator....John isn't....he has nothing to feel guilty about....

 

 

 

I think John's wife needs to give up spousal support, what say you?

 

I think that's between John and his wife.

 

I think, "be careful what you wish for. You may get it." (Oscar Wilde)

 

And you may blow it within a few months. - Spark

 

John was thrilled she wanted to reconcile. Oh, but then he wasn't.

 

John needs to examine what he really wants, before his friend Kismetly can figure how to support him and his needs.

[silktricks]

John and his wife sold up their beautiful home, she moved close to her new boyfriend and he moved to the same city so he could share custody of the children. He did a lot of work on himself while they were separated. He travelled, he dated, he spent as much time as possible with his children. He remade himself.

 

However, he was always very clear that his preferred outcome would be to reconcile with his wife and have an intact family.

 

After they'd been separated just over 12 months, he raised the issue of formalising the divorce. He was dating and still being married was weird. I think she was shocked and surprised he'd gotten to the stage where he was willing to sever the tie - and she decided that she didn't want to divorce. She told him it was over with the boyfriend and that she wanted to reconcile.

 

He was beside himself. I've never seen a man so happy or so clear on what he expected the outcome would be. they'd get back together, return to the original city they lived in, kids would go back to their old school ... life would go on.

 

The lease came due on her apartment, so she moved in to his apartment, with the kids about 2 months ago. They are in counselling and for all intents and purposes they are planning on making their life together again.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, he started to talk about how now he's starting to feel resentment. He looks at her, and he can't quite believe that she actually had an affair (which didn't seem to worry him when he wanted her back so badly last year). He's also concerned because he suggested that now they are living together he stop paying her maintenance (she doesn't work) and they go back to a joint bank account. Apparently she didn't like that idea.

 

So ... this morning, he calls me, and tells me that he's all in a knot, because he was at a business meeting in the city a couple of nights ago and ran into a colleague. John and his colleague have been friends for a while, they work in the same company, in the same city together 2 weeks out of every month (he works away from home for those 2 weeks).

 

He and his colleague went out, he claims there's been sexual tension between them for months (although why he didn't act on that before he reconciled with his wife is anyones guess) and he spent the night with her.

 

He said he doesn't feel guilty and he doesn't know what he wants.

 

After I heard the story - I just thought immediately, "Revenge Affair". He's angry with his wife, nice, friendly woman available ... he goes for it ... which would be fine - but he says he thinks he might have feelings for this woman.

 

What's going on here? Is this normal? Why would a man patiently wait for his wife to work through her crisis for all that time, get what he wanted, then risk it like that?

 

Anyone experience a similar situation after reconciliation?

 

I guess my comment, is that in my opinion this was not reconciliation. John assumed all that needed to happen was for her to move back in with him and life would go on - the life he liked. His wife probably assumed something similar, except on her terms. Neither of them dealt with either the issues prior to the affair (there must have been some, or there would not have been an affair) - nor the issues that must be addressed post affair (his pain and anger as well as her apparent desire to be more self-sufficient.)

 

So, I think that some of what Spark said is accurate - he wanted what he thought he wanted until he got it - but, he really didn't get it. He got his wife back - sort of. But, he didn't get his life back - the life he wanted, where she hadn't cheated on him and he, at least, was happy.

 

If they truly do reconcile, they will be in an entirely new relationship. It can't be the one it was before, as that apparently was dissatisfying to the wife, nor can it be the one it is now, as that is not satisfying to the husband. True reconciliation is very difficult. They need to both want it badly enough to tear things down to bedrock and rebuild. As far as I'm concerned, from what I read here - neither of them wants it that badly. He wants what he wants and she wants what she wants - neither of them seem to really want to find out what the other one wants and needs. I doubt the relationship will last... JMO...

 

Silk

Edited November 27, 2011 by silktricks

[Untouchable_Fire]

The lease came due on her apartment, so she moved in to his apartment, with the kids about 2 months ago. They are in counselling and for all intents and purposes they are planning on making their life together again.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, he started to talk about how now he's starting to feel resentment. He looks at her, and he can't quite believe that she actually had an affair (which didn't seem to worry him when he wanted her back so badly last year). He's also concerned because he suggested that now they are living together he stop paying her maintenance (she doesn't work) and they go back to a joint bank account. Apparently she didn't like that idea.

 

That doesn't sound like she is really trying to reconcile.

 

What's going on here? Is this normal? Why would a man patiently wait for his wife to work through her crisis for all that time, get what he wanted, then risk it like that?

Anyone experience a similar situation after reconciliation?

 

The guy was blindsided and it crashed his ego. Now he feels like he has out-competed the other guy and could have his wife back if he chooses.

 

The problem is that this woman is an asshat. He is more than likely realizing what a selfish bitch he married... and is struggling to even have the desire to move forward. That is why he lacks guilt.

 

This isn't a revenge affair. He isn't risking anything by doing this. His wife is like cancer... losing her would be a thing to celebrate.

 

I experienced something similar when faced with reconciling.

[Kismetly]

That doesn't sound like she is really trying to reconcile.

 

 

 

The guy was blindsided and it crashed his ego. Now he feels like he has out-competed the other guy and could have his wife back if he chooses.

 

The problem is that this woman is an asshat. He is more than likely realizing what a selfish bitch he married... and is struggling to even have the desire to move forward. That is why he lacks guilt.

 

This isn't a revenge affair. He isn't risking anything by doing this. His wife is like cancer... losing her would be a thing to celebrate.

 

I experienced something similar when faced with reconciling.

 

 

Thanks everyone. Some really interesting views. I've sent him this link to read all the responses.

 

My previous posts on LS make it clear that I have been the OW and I've spent the past year figuring out all the stuff associated with that and rebuilding my life - so I guess I do identify with his colleauge - because I suspect she may be getting herself into a whole world of hurt. (just so that's out there)

 

Nevertheless - that's not the point of this post. I just find it fascinatinig, having spent the past couple of years reading boards and books about infidelity and marriage/relationship issues that a betrayed spouse, who only a couple of months ago was on top of the world at reconciling with his wife, would be able to forget how happy and grateful he was when she said she wanted to live with him again .... to getting a bit on the side. He reckons it's the first time he's ever cheated - which is interesting too.

[carhill]

IMO, he resents what she 'got away with' and wants/wanted a taste of it himself. If such behavior is outside his normal boundaries, it's even a stronger indicator of focused resentment, regardless of what words he speaks. Whether healthy reconciliation can occur (not even close here, IMO) depends on the psychologies and support structures (family and friends) of the parties. If neither has a history of infidelity, more positive potentials.

 

TBH, most of the EA's I was involved in as an OM were revenge situations, either real or imagined, the latter respecting how 'creative' a cheating spouse can be. The timelines were generally proposed to be between six months to a year after 'D-day' and subsequent reconciliation. I say proposed since I didn't have a PI following the H and am repeating hearsay.

[seren]

I think my view is more along that of Silktricks, it maybe that he imagined his wife coming back to him and that it would all just click back into place and the marriage would just continue as before. It also sounds like he had began to get his life together, had been dating others, moved along and had a new, changed life ahead, yet still thought back on his marriage as it was pre A, when he had a family life, thought he had a faithful wife and had a future with them as part of it.

 

He may have worked on his acceptance (probably wrong word) that he was a BS, but no real idea of the work needed to reconcile his marriage, and that the 'old' marriage was null and void. So, the WS comes back to him, not going to say home, because their 'home' needs to be built up again. It might be that it all takes him back emotionally, to first base and all this mixed up with the new life has him questioning if what he now has is really what he wants, at this time. His faithfull wife is no longer that, his memories of when his married life was good is no longer true, it might be that the harsh reality of it all has caught up with him and maybe the man who was left, made a new life, dated and possibly felt his self esteem rise as he was wanted by other's has plumetted as he is back to the role of BS. Either way, it seems to me that while his heart wants it all to be 'back as it was pre A' his head is telling him it cannot be and that the WS isn't the same.

 

There is also the length of time between D Day and reconciliation, personally, I would be looking at it like a new relationship, seems they just have history and children in common. It might have been better if they had looked at whether they wanted each other, rather than a marriage. I don't see this working out and while I can understand him being confused, I don't think an A is the way ahead as it might make him question himself. An A is never the way to deal with problems, no matter what happened before.