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How to move past the guilt???


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Old 3rd November 2011, 5:15 PM   #1
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How to move past the guilt???

I had an affair with a MM and it has been over since July. My husband has forgiven me but I cannot seem to forgive myself and move on from the guilt. Any suggestions on how to heal?

One more thing...my husband and I are planning to renew our vows with our pastors help. I just feel like I need to fix my emotions before we do this.

Last edited by GabbyGirl; 3rd November 2011 at 5:20 PM..
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Old 3rd November 2011, 5:25 PM   #2
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You have barely started the process of reconciliation so feeling guilt at this stage is normal. Do you think you (plural) might be putting too much pressure on each other by renewing vows so soon?
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Old 3rd November 2011, 5:33 PM   #3
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Good question and maybe it is too soon to renew our vows. I am also dealing with lingering feelings for my xMM. My brain knows we will never be together and that he does not love me.

I am going away alone this weekend to try and resolve my feelings and let go once and for all. I need some me time and some shopping too.
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Old 3rd November 2011, 5:39 PM   #4
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Good question and maybe it is too soon to renew our vows. I am also dealing with lingering feelings for my xMM. My brain knows we will never be together and that he does not love me.
This says to me that it is defintely too soon to renew vows. You are still focussing on the exMM and how he feels about you. What would you do if he said he did love you and wanted to be with you?


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I am going away alone this weekend to try and resolve my feelings and let go once and for all. I need some me time and some shopping too.
It will take far more than a weekend to resolve your feelings

It will take months, many months

You do realise that the reconciliation process will take years, don't you?
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Old 3rd November 2011, 5:42 PM   #5
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Hi,

I am sorry but I have never gotten over people who cheat and then talk about renewing their vows. I do not understand this. You had vows and broke them so what is the point of renewing vows that have been previously broken? If you broke the vows the first time, then it means the vows were just words without meaning to you. Why would a second renewing of vows be any different? Sorry but I just don't get it.
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Old 3rd November 2011, 6:19 PM   #6
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Good question and maybe it is too soon to renew our vows. I am also dealing with lingering feelings for my xMM. My brain knows we will never be together and that he does not love me.
there is the problem with your "guilt". You are still pining for the xMM.

And I don't think you need to renew your vows at all. The bolded part above is why. Because if there was a chance you could be with MM, you would have seriously looked into leaving your husband.

So you didn't end it with MM because you wanted to do right by your husband. You ended it because you can't be with MM. Therefore, do not renew your vows.
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Old 3rd November 2011, 7:06 PM   #7
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I agree, unless you are renewing as an expression of true commitment with no reservations. Nothing and nobody intruding, then it would be a sham.

Fix your marriage by excising your continued interest outside of it.

Last edited by michelangelo; 3rd November 2011 at 7:10 PM..
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Old 3rd November 2011, 7:19 PM   #8
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Hi Gabby,
Fellow xWS here. My situation was different than yours, but I started a thread on the same subject yesterday. Check it out.
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t304975/

I agree with everyone else on the vows. While you are still in the guilt phase, you're still focusing on yourself. See Anne, I learned something!
Hold off on renewing the vows until you reach the remorse stage. They will mean a lot more then.

Good luck!
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Old 3rd November 2011, 8:59 PM   #9
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Wow I was not expecting such harsh answers. From now on I will figure things out on my own and now I feel even worse about myself.
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Old 4th November 2011, 4:12 AM   #10
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Wow I was not expecting such harsh answers. From now on I will figure things out on my own and now I feel even worse about myself.

Gabby

These answers have not been harsh. It is just maybe not what you want to hear. You have also had the same things said to you by BS, OW and WS. What does that tell you?

You really do need to think about what has been said to you. If you are still thinking of the xMM then there is no way you should be renewing your vows to your husband at this time. That does not mean you never should, but it does mean not now. You and your husband need to heal more and you definitely need to work through your current emotions and be clear about what and who you want.

If you think I am attacking you, go back and read my threads from when I started. You will see then that I am talking from my own personal experience as a former WS. You will also see what harsh posts are really like.
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Old 4th November 2011, 5:40 AM   #11
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Gabby what you're feeling is normal, I feel the same way but agree with other posters. This is a long road ahead, you can renew your vows any time! But get over MM (you're not alone, read the OM/OW forum) and then go from there. Learn to love yourself again so your vows come from a place of empowerment and love rather than a need to make ammends. I too know this need so I'm not judging this!

To the poster who asked why renew vows once broken? Because life isn't always simple and people do make genuine mistakes, and an A can be a mistake. OP wants a fresh start and a clean slate and to re-commit and this may be a way to do this. Although it does need to come from a place of absolute commitment OP so you know it's truly what you want and can offer it with no nagging what-if thoughts. Have you tried MC?
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Old 4th November 2011, 5:53 AM   #12
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but I cannot seem to forgive myself and move on from the guilt. Any suggestions on how to heal?.
You commit the crime? You do the time? Welcome to reality!!
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Old 4th November 2011, 7:52 AM   #13
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Robf1971...so glad there are PERFECT people in this world! You must be one of them.
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Old 4th November 2011, 8:21 AM   #14
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Robf1971...so glad there are PERFECT people in this world! You must be one of them.
What he is trying to say is there are going to be unavoidable consequences for what you done and its actually necessary for you to "suffer" in a sense so you understand the magnitude of what you did.

If you have ANY residual feelings for the OM then you are still in a bit of denial. When most WS are over an A they tend to feel disgusted when thinking about their AP and can't fathom what they saw in them in the first place.

You might feel guilty, but are you remorseful?

It doesn't sound like you are in that place yet. I truely remorseful and appreciative WS would not have second thoughts about renewing vows and would NEVER cast their AP in any kind of positive light.

Sounds like you are setting up a false R.
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Old 4th November 2011, 8:29 AM   #15
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Robf1971...so glad there are PERFECT people in this world! You must be one of them.
Nope, lol

However, all I',m saying is that you did something very, very wrong and deep down you know that Gabby. You can justify it 500 ways if you want but when you do something wrong there are consequences. You are now suffering these. I hope that you are genuine in the desire for reconciling with your husband, and I truly wish you all the best
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