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revenge affairs


BetrayedH

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My fWW had a year-long EA & PA with another man. As far as I can tell, it has ended. FWW is remorseful and meeting the typical expectations. I've stayed.

 

I have been an honorable man my entire life. I was a good husband and a good father. I've always tried to make the right decision the first time, to do the honorable thing, to do right by other people and count on karmic points. So now I have to live with my wife having had a year-long affair with another man and I'm doing the honorable thing. Why is that exactly? I just can't put this question out of my mind. I can forgive and stop punishing her but why is it that we have to have this imbalance for the rest of our lives? Why does she get a pass?

 

I have found someone that is into me on every level. Short of kissing and texting, I have managed to avoid the final physical boundary. We were in the hotel room, making out, condoms on the dresser, and we stopped. Don't ask me how. Guilt, I suppose. The opportunity is still there.

 

I don't want to leave my marriage. I don't want to hurt my wife. I love my wife and don't want to be angry with her anymore. I have an opportunity to balance the equation a bit (even having some of my own guilt is a motivator). I hate feeling like the naive idiot that stayed married and faithful after this. My biggest fear is that I wouldn't be able to stop. The sexual chemistry is off the charts.

 

I know the logical argument about not "lowering" myself just because she did. It's actually a powerful argument with me but after so many years of being the good guy, I'm wondering just how much that really matters. It doesn't seem to have paid off. I made sacrifices and they were in vain.

 

This is a real problem, not a philosophical one. I am emailing two women throughout the day and I am absolutely torn. If the OW wasn't looking for a long-term relationship, I would've gone and done it already. I wanted something short-term and that's the variable that hasn't worked out. I don't really want to do this as my honest nature is killing me but short of the logistics of keeping it short-term, I don't have a good reason not to go thru with it.

 

Opinions, please. I cannot remotely be the only BS with this challenge. I have a feeling that it's the dirty little secret that BSs don't want to be told.

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you can do anything you want - as long as you ask permission. ask your W - be honest with her about your anger toward her actions.

 

tell her what your wish is - and that you are now spending time and energy focusing outside the marriage.

 

when she answers - you will either be able to step in with permission from your wife - or you will have an answer that says no.

 

either way - you are putting your honesty out on the table so she knows exactly where your head is (it's evidently NOT with your wife).

 

you may be able to play with other women with your wife's permission

 

you may hear NO - then she will know what damage she needs to repair by her actions - she may need to get reconnected on a level you never knew possible

 

or you may get to talking about what is REAL - then, and only then - does the relationship have a chance to heal and change.

 

you have no idea what can happen unless you bring your truth into the light.

 

get honest - share the honesty with your wife. stop sharing about the marriage with "other women" - it's a complete betrayal to the marriage. IF you don't like something = tell YOUR WIFE = so SHE has a chance to work at what bothers you. get honest!

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you can do anything you want - as long as you ask permission. ask your W - be honest with her about your anger toward her actions.

 

tell her what your wish is - and that you are now spending time and energy focusing outside the marriage.

 

when she answers - you will either be able to step in with permission from your wife - or you will have an answer that says no.

 

either way - you are putting your honesty out on the table so she knows exactly where your head is (it's evidently NOT with your wife).

 

you may be able to play with other women with your wife's permission

 

you may hear NO - then she will know what damage she needs to repair by her actions - she may need to get reconnected on a level you never knew possible

 

or you may get to talking about what is REAL - then, and only then - does the relationship have a chance to heal and change.

 

you have no idea what can happen unless you bring your truth into the light.

 

get honest - share the honesty with your wife. stop sharing about the marriage with "other women" - it's a complete betrayal to the marriage. IF you don't like something = tell YOUR WIFE = so SHE has a chance to work at what bothers you. get honest!

 

Great advice here ^^^^

 

BH, I think just about every BS has felt the way you do. I know I did!

 

But you are greatly complicating things by already becoming involved with another.

 

To me, it seems you are trying to close the gate after the horses have gotten out! You're already in an affair.

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I had a revenge affair and while I did get that "balance" that you speak of. I in turn created another imbalance in myself. I compromised my integrity. What bothers me now is that I cannot go back. I cannot say that I'm not a cheater anymore. I cannot unring that bell. It is a part of who I am and what I did and I am not happy about the choice that I thought would "even the score."

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frozensprouts

original poster,

 

please give the idea of a revenge affair careful consideration. If you love your wife and want to stay with her, the this may serriously jeporadize that objective.

 

It sounds like you haven't really moved past her cheating. I agree that you should talk with your wife and tell her how you feel. Don't "punish" her by continuing to cheat.

 

( and, for what it is worth, in my opinion, you have already cheated. You've been alone in a hotel room making out with another woman. You've cheated, Now what are you going to do to move forward?)

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Regarding your urge to get even, I have often felt the same way over the years but have never acted on my urges. I believe it is wrong to cheat and I have a very difficult time overcoming my personal values. I have always held myself, and my wife for that matter, to a very high moral standard - not to be confused with any religious dogma. It's probably one of the primary reasons I was so devastated by her cheating for so long and have never been able to forgive her. But hey, that's just me. You should do whatever you think will help you heal in the long run.

 

Playing amateur psychologist, I'm wondering how you can be so willing to forgive your wife and give her that "pass" you talk about. You talk about her affair as though you are completely over it and are now just looking to even the score - so to speak - by getting some strange. I wonder if your urge to get even is actually the intense anger you feel and are dying to throw in your wife's face. Just something to think about.

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Richard Friedman

I read your previous marriage. You're right in that by staying in this marriage you are being a chump. Seems to me you're a security blanket. You provide and wife gets her rocks off elsewhere. How about instead of living for everyone else, you do something for yourself for once, eh?

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Your wife isn't the only woman that is going to get hurt here. It is very likely that your actions will emotionally crucify the OW. That should hang over your head as well.

 

An honorable person does not use another person. Period.

 

You know what betrayal feels like. Are you willing to knowingly subject 2 women to that pain? If the answer is yes, I implore you to read the heartbroken posts of the BS and OW on this site.

 

I can tell you with all honesty as a FOW that the ending of my A almost killed me. I thought very seriously about suicide and I'm not the depressive suicidal sort. I had my father's morphine from his cancer treatments saved and at the ready. Would you want that on your conscience for the rest of your life?

 

You are looking at some very heavy burdens here. Take time and choose carefully.

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My fWW had a year-long EA & PA with another man. As far as I can tell, it has ended. FWW is remorseful and meeting the typical expectations. I've stayed.

 

I have been an honorable man my entire life. I was a good husband and a good father. I've always tried to make the right decision the first time, to do the honorable thing, to do right by other people and count on karmic points. So now I have to live with my wife having had a year-long affair with another man and I'm doing the honorable thing. Why is that exactly? I just can't put this question out of my mind. I can forgive and stop punishing her but why is it that we have to have this imbalance for the rest of our lives? Why does she get a pass?

 

 

 

I know the logical argument about not "lowering" myself just because she did. It's actually a powerful argument with me but after so many years of being the good guy, I'm wondering just how much that really matters. It doesn't seem to have paid off. I made sacrifices and they were in vain.

 

 

 

 

I find (bolded) very interesting behavior and verbage.

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My fWW had a year-long EA & PA with another man. As far as I can tell, it has ended. FWW is remorseful and meeting the typical expectations. I've stayed.

 

I have been an honorable man my entire life. I was a good husband and a good father. I've always tried to make the right decision the first time, to do the honorable thing, to do right by other people and count on karmic points. So now I have to live with my wife having had a year-long affair with another man and I'm doing the honorable thing. Why is that exactly? I just can't put this question out of my mind. I can forgive and stop punishing her but why is it that we have to have this imbalance for the rest of our lives? Why does she get a pass?

 

I have found someone that is into me on every level. Short of kissing and texting, I have managed to avoid the final physical boundary. We were in the hotel room, making out, condoms on the dresser, and we stopped. Don't ask me how. Guilt, I suppose. The opportunity is still there.

 

I don't want to leave my marriage. I don't want to hurt my wife. I love my wife and don't want to be angry with her anymore. I have an opportunity to balance the equation a bit (even having some of my own guilt is a motivator). I hate feeling like the naive idiot that stayed married and faithful after this. My biggest fear is that I wouldn't be able to stop. The sexual chemistry is off the charts.

 

I know the logical argument about not "lowering" myself just because she did. It's actually a powerful argument with me but after so many years of being the good guy, I'm wondering just how much that really matters. It doesn't seem to have paid off. I made sacrifices and they were in vain.

 

This is a real problem, not a philosophical one. I am emailing two women throughout the day and I am absolutely torn. If the OW wasn't looking for a long-term relationship, I would've gone and done it already. I wanted something short-term and that's the variable that hasn't worked out. I don't really want to do this as my honest nature is killing me but short of the logistics of keeping it short-term, I don't have a good reason not to go thru with it.

 

Opinions, please. I cannot remotely be the only BS with this challenge. I have a feeling that it's the dirty little secret that BSs don't want to be told.

 

 

I'm not trying to be mean when I say this....but you've already done what she's done. You were in a hotel kissing another woman with condoms on the dresser and you currently email other women....

 

Unless ofcourse for you (as it seems to be for some people, particularly men), you don't consider it cheating unless there is penetration/intercourse. But as far as I am concerned any romantic involvement and sexual contact with another is cheating. Catching my husband in a hotel room with another woman making out is just as if he was having sex....the fact is, he is still betraying me. It's not about the sex, it's the whole business of betrayal.

 

Soooo I don't know if this will make you feel better: but you're pretty much even as you're cheating on her too.

 

It also doesn't sound like you forgave your wife because you really wanted to and because after working it through, you came to the decision that it was worth it...it seems like you have done it out of some duty and the burden you've had all your life to be honorable. I do not think anyone should be with anyone else out of duty, as often times, like in your case you end up resenting this person and waste your time only pretending to be happy. If you feel like your wife is worth it, maybe you need to reopen this matter and see if you can really work through it...otherwise, a revenge affair will probably not solve the issues present that lead you both down the cheating path.

Edited by MissBee
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Doesn't it seem a bit like you are devaluing the OW you might want a revenge A with to say you are lowering yourself? I don't think you are showing respect to either your BS, even though she cheated, nor the OW, lowering yourself to what? There are many OW on this site who have A's because they believe the WS cared or loved them, I hope that you are honest with them what their uses are for you, before you begin a relationship or sleep with them. I know you said that you haven't taken it further because the OW wanted more, but you took it far enough to have cheated on your wife.

 

Two wrongs do not make a right and I would be mighty insulted if I thought that someone had used me just to get back at their wife or that they felt they were lowering themselves to be with me. Possibly you did not mean it that way, but it sounds disrespectful and calculated. Be honest with your wife, the OW and yourself, if you want it to work with your wife, you are so going the wrong way about it.

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Well, like the man answering on here says, "when are you going to do something for you"? and to add to that "life is short and then you die".... you have off the chart physical attraction so how about some brand new crazy stuff with a new woman who you are not resentful towards? So far, I like it! But uh oh... here comes the aftermath.

 

Let's just say I am the OW and you tell me that you want to have revenge sex with me to get back at your wife, but I shouldn't feel bad because we have off the chart chemistry. OUCH! Sounds like your OW wants a real relationship and finds sexual intimacy to be an extension of her feelings for you. She sounds like she has a relationship with you... did you forget to tell us that part? That you have been flirting and making her feel like you might be offering a real relationship with you that might be long term? Because she got that idea somewhere, and she didn't get it by herself.

 

So wife betrays you, you betray the OW and everything's even? OUCH. At the very least you will be hurting your OW and although you didn't tell us, it sounds like you have a relationship with her, so when you tell her, THANK YOU MA'AM, and send her on her way so you can zoom home to be with your W, she's not going to feel as happy, warm, giggly and satisfied as you do. She might even get mad. Then what happens? Are you prepared for your revenge one time fling to go bunny boiler?

 

If you must have revenge sex (which means you are resentful and want to "get your wife back" something is rotten in your Denmark and you should probably go back to MC and see what you can do to fix it. Because this scenario sounds less than ideal to me anyway.

 

Nevertheless, if some ********* husband of mine did that, I would want to do the very same thing, have amazing sex with a free pass, but that's just not going to bring me peace and happiness. I say go ahead, but just be aware of the aftermath and be willing to accept anything that happens as a result. Like getting a divorce and having your OW want to marry you right away for instance. :rolleyes:

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bentnotbroken
My fWW had a year-long EA & PA with another man. As far as I can tell, it has ended. FWW is remorseful and meeting the typical expectations. I've stayed.

 

I have been an honorable man my entire life. I was a good husband and a good father. I've always tried to make the right decision the first time, to do the honorable thing, to do right by other people and count on karmic points. So now I have to live with my wife having had a year-long affair with another man and I'm doing the honorable thing. Why is that exactly? I just can't put this question out of my mind. I can forgive and stop punishing her but why is it that we have to have this imbalance for the rest of our lives? Why does she get a pass?

 

If you believe your wife has a pass...then you gave it to her. You say you can forgive(I don't think you have based on this post and your actions)yet you want to get even. So will she then have to one up you again because she believes you forgave her? Where will the balance finally come into play. After 1 affair each? Two? Three? Remember you chose to stay.

 

I have found someone that is into me on every level. Short of kissing and texting, I have managed to avoid the final physical boundary. We were in the hotel room, making out, condoms on the dresser, and we stopped. Don't ask me how. Guilt, I suppose. The opportunity is still there.

 

She is into you, even though you are married? Is she? How do you feel about her as a woman(you are using by the way) doing something that is....how did you put it....."lowering" herself to be with a MM? Does she know you are married and using her? Or do you plan on keeping her in the dark along with your wife? And just for the record, you are already in a physical affair...you just haven't crossed the boundary of penetration yet.

 

 

I don't want to leave my marriage. I don't want to hurt my wife. I love my wife and don't want to be angry with her anymore. I have an opportunity to balance the equation a bit (even having some of my own guilt is a motivator). I hate feeling like the naive idiot that stayed married and faithful after this. My biggest fear is that I wouldn't be able to stop. The sexual chemistry is off the charts.

 

If you don't want to leave your marriage or hurt your wife...why are you stepping outside of your marriage doing something that you know will hurt your wife as much as she hurt you? Do you think that doing something to get even will balance your marriage? Your life? Your family? You?

 

If you truly don't want to be angry anymore...get some help with that anger. I don't know how long ago your d-day was..but you do know that it takes awhile to face and deal with the emotions(especially the anger and the fear) that come with being betrayed? Why do you feel niave? Is it because you really didn't want to stay? Or that you do love her and have some jacked up view about how you are "supposed" to act?

 

I know the logical argument about not "lowering" myself just because she did. It's actually a powerful argument with me but after so many years of being the good guy, I'm wondering just how much that really matters. It doesn't seem to have paid off. I made sacrifices and they were in vain

 

What sacrifices did you make? If you loved your wife and wanted to honor your vows, you would do that simply because it is what you desired..it shouldn't have been a sacrifice. And if you feel as if it were, then your marriage had bigger problems than your wife cheating or you cheating.

 

So you think that living your life a certain way and being able to look yourself in the mirror or look back over your life and not be ashamed of parts of it should have some outside reward? What should that reward be? Or better yet, since you think it didn't pay off, why don't you go tell your wife, your family and anyone else who will listen that your wife cheated on you and you want to balance things out by using that woman that you have the off the chart chemistry with.

 

So if the actions of one person should change the years of being a "good guy" so go for it. If you are lucky she will do something else so that you will have an excuse/reason/rationalization to do what you feel like will make you not look niave. But I can guarantee you it will make you look a certain way..."lowered" per your words.

 

This is a real problem, not a philosophical one. I am emailing two women throughout the day and I am absolutely torn. If the OW wasn't looking for a long-term relationship, I would've gone and done it already. I wanted something short-term and that's the variable that hasn't worked out. I don't really want to do this as my honest nature is killing me but short of the logistics of keeping it short-term, I don't have a good reason not to go thru with it.

 

Emailing two women. Well here is the reason you can't work on your anger...you don't have the time. So your wife is at fault for you wanting to have sex with another woman and the OW is at fault for you not having sex with her yet....hmmmmm. So when do you take responsibility for your thoughts and actions? When do you take credit for the situation that has you writing this post? If short and to the point is what you want, why drag a woman into your mess that is "going to get emotionally involved"? You do know they have pros for jobs like that. Just pay 'em and move on. No strings, no long term...no messy clean up?

 

If this were killing you because it isn't in your nature....you would be talking to your wife about this and/or a therapist. But....well....

 

 

Opinions, please. I cannot remotely be the only BS with this challenge. I have a feeling that it's the dirty little secret that BSs don't want to be told.

 

 

It isn't a dirty little secret among BS. It has been discussed several times over the years here. We all felt at some point that maybe...just maybe, we should get the feeling of being in a secret clandestine(yeah the Hollywood language is sucky)relationship.

 

Opinion...do it or don't........ but own it and stop putting the blame at everyone else's feet. What was your wife's excuses for cheating? Didn't matter one damn bit did it? So your excuses don't either.

Edited by bentnotbroken
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Some background info...

 

The OW knows my situation. I haven't lied to her. She is in a M that is ending. We met on Ashley Madison as I looked for my "balance" affair.

 

But it took some time for our schedules to connect and an emotional connection developed. When things began in the hotel, I stopped her and said that this could only happen once. It wasn't a planned conversation. She said ok. I continued and said that I would understand if she didn't want to continue. She thought for several moments and said goodbye. It wasn't fun for either of us. I later sent a message trying to repair the damage I'd done. She was grateful that I hadn't just used her and told her afterwards; that she would have been devastated. We foolishly decided to remain friends (God, have I learned nothing from all of this?). She even broke it off with me the next day so she wouldn't interfere with my attempts to repair my marriage but the sympathetic messages back and forth continued. We met for lunch the other day. One kiss before we got into our cars and now we're back to sexual messages again.

 

Damn. I had the validation that I sought from someone that was into me on every possible level, I had stopped being so pissed at my W, and I even had my clean "out" afterwards without at least all of the super-dramatic mess and I blew it.

 

Yes, I understand I am a cheater. I'm afraid the nomenclature doesn't much matter to me. This would NEVER have happened if it weren't for my wife's affair. Sorry, that matters. And the fact that I stopped before carrying on a year-long physical affair, that matters, too.

 

I know what I have to do. I'll be breaking it off with her today. I think she knows it's coming. It'll be harder this time because she'll be left alone; it would have been so much better when she had broken it off with me. But it has to stop. There's no positive outcome. Either she is hurt by a short-term thing or I get sucked into a long term thing that will be the final death of my M (or all of the worse outcomes),

 

Will I tell my wife? It's a question for another day. I'm suspect I will eventually. It's who I am. I'll face my consequences.

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frozensprouts
Some background info...

 

The OW knows my situation. I haven't lied to her. She is in a M that is ending. We met on Ashley Madison as I looked for my "balance" affair.

 

But it took some time for our schedules to connect and an emotional connection developed. When things began in the hotel, I stopped her and said that this could only happen once. It wasn't a planned conversation. She said ok. I continued and said that I would understand if she didn't want to continue. She thought for several moments and said goodbye. It wasn't fun for either of us. I later sent a message trying to repair the damage I'd done. She was grateful that I hadn't just used her and told her afterwards; that she would have been devastated. We foolishly decided to remain friends (God, have I learned nothing from all of this?). She even broke it off with me the next day so she wouldn't interfere with my attempts to repair my marriage but the sympathetic messages back and forth continued. We met for lunch the other day. One kiss before we got into our cars and now we're back to sexual messages again.

 

Damn. I had the validation that I sought from someone that was into me on every possible level, I had stopped being so pissed at my W, and I even had my clean "out" afterwards without at least all of the super-dramatic mess and I blew it.

 

so 'mr.honesty" is still cheating and blaming it on his wife?

 

Yes, I understand I am a cheater. I'm afraid the nomenclature doesn't much matter to me. This would NEVER have happened if it weren't for my wife's affair. Sorry, that matters. And the fact that I stopped before carrying on a year-long physical affair, that matters, too.

 

bull...my husband's affair only lasted a few weeks, and it hurt every bit as much as a longer one would have

 

I know what I have to do. I'll be breaking it off with her today. I think she knows it's coming. It'll be harder this time because she'll be left alone; it would have been so much better when she had broken it off with me. But it has to stop. There's no positive outcome. Either she is hurt by a short-term thing or I get sucked into a long term thing that will be the final death of my M (or all of the worse outcomes),

 

Will I tell my wife? It's a question for another day. I'm suspect I will eventually. It's who I am. I'll face my consequences

 

pfffttt...if that really was "who you are" you would have told her before now what was going on.

 

 

i'm sorry, but even though you may not like it, there is no difference between you and your wife.you're no "better" than she is...you re rationalizing cheating on her for reasons that seem valid to you. do you not think your wife did the exact same thing?do you not think that she had reasons that may have been valid to her?

 

i think the only real difference between you and your wife is that you are setting out to intentionally hurt her. you can use semantics all you want, but it doesn't change the end result

 

maybe i am wrong, but i don't buy into all this "balance" stuff, you sound no different from anyone else who's cheated...an awful lot of them say " i would never have cheated if my spouse hadn't done x y or z , but they did, so that justifies my actions". stop blaming your wife and own your own choices here.

 

i think that if you can't move past her having an affair by having one of your own, you should divorce your wife and you both should move on

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Some background info...

 

The OW knows my situation. I haven't lied to her. She is in a M that is ending. We met on Ashley Madison as I looked for my "balance" affair.

 

But it took some time for our schedules to connect and an emotional connection developed. When things began in the hotel, I stopped her and said that this could only happen once. It wasn't a planned conversation. She said ok. I continued and said that I would understand if she didn't want to continue. She thought for several moments and said goodbye. It wasn't fun for either of us. I later sent a message trying to repair the damage I'd done. She was grateful that I hadn't just used her and told her afterwards; that she would have been devastated. We foolishly decided to remain friends (God, have I learned nothing from all of this?). She even broke it off with me the next day so she wouldn't interfere with my attempts to repair my marriage but the sympathetic messages back and forth continued. We met for lunch the other day. One kiss before we got into our cars and now we're back to sexual messages again.

 

Damn. I had the validation that I sought from someone that was into me on every possible level, I had stopped being so pissed at my W, and I even had my clean "out" afterwards without at least all of the super-dramatic mess and I blew it.

 

Yes, I understand I am a cheater. I'm afraid the nomenclature doesn't much matter to me. This would NEVER have happened if it weren't for my wife's affair. Sorry, that matters. And the fact that I stopped before carrying on a year-long physical affair, that matters, too.

 

I know what I have to do. I'll be breaking it off with her today. I think she knows it's coming. It'll be harder this time because she'll be left alone; it would have been so much better when she had broken it off with me. But it has to stop. There's no positive outcome. Either she is hurt by a short-term thing or I get sucked into a long term thing that will be the final death of my M (or all of the worse outcomes),

 

Will I tell my wife? It's a question for another day. I'm suspect I will eventually. It's who I am. I'll face my consequences.

 

you haven't stopped your anger... it is bigger than ever!

 

when you ADMIT just how angry you are at your W - then and only then can the healing begin.

 

no neutral (loving husband) wants a revenge affair. you feel entitled to it. you are angry with your W for hurting you. you want to hurt her too.

 

these are things you need to tell your W!!! NOT the OW!

 

your W (by your evidence) hasn't DONE the work necessary to repair the damage her actions caused - and now YOU think hurting her in the same regard will help the healing?

 

you have things backwards.

 

you can't heal the pain with MORE harm.

 

your actions are that YOU are considering adding MORE HARM into the mix.

 

this is a recipe for disaster!

 

get HONEST with your wife. THAT would be helpful and a good place to start.

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The idea was not to harm my wife but to do something for myself to get thru this. I never had any intention to tell her. I have seen her pain, caused enough of it and don't want to add to it. I wanted to find a way thru this and to stop hurting her and to get some balance into the situation. Call it what you like.

 

And again, I'm sorry but there is a difference between types of affairs. Much of the pain is the same and I don't mean to denigrate the pain of any BS but I can tell you I desperately wish my W's affair was a drunken ONS, not some calculated year-long, time managed, conscious betrayal.

 

If you want to vilify me, go ahead. I didn't ask for this damn mess. I didn't create this situation. I did what I needed to retain my freaking sanity. For six months, I lost my mind.

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Go right ahead and do it without feeling any guilt, but please be discrete. You don't have to rub your cheating wife's nose in it.

 

 

Your wife is completely no good and you owe her NOTHING.

 

The logical conclusion of "Go right ahead and do it without feeling any guilt" and "Your wife is completely no good and you owe her NOTHING" is ... do rub her nose in it.

 

Where is the revenge if you are discrete?

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The idea was not to harm my wife but to do something for myself to get thru this. I never had any intention to tell her. I have seen her pain, caused enough of it and don't want to add to it. I wanted to find a way thru this and to stop hurting her and to get some balance into the situation. Call it what you like.

 

And again, I'm sorry but there is a difference between types of affairs. Much of the pain is the same and I don't mean to denigrate the pain of any BS but I can tell you I desperately wish my W's affair was a drunken ONS, not some calculated year-long, time managed, conscious betrayal.

 

If you want to vilify me, go ahead. I didn't ask for this damn mess. I didn't create this situation. I did what I needed to retain my freaking sanity. For six months, I lost my mind.

 

the anger is still there... BIG TIME!

 

what have you AND your wife done to address the anger you are holding onto.

 

you are NOW using it to justify YOUR bad behavior... which isn't positive.

 

what work have you two been doing? you obviously haven't been honest with each other... there is much work to do. YOU are also causing harm to her at this juncture.

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The point wasn't revenge. It's just what everyone calls them. What he is saying is what I was doing. I wanted to feel less victimized. I have zero need to rub my wife's nose in it. It's the only hesitation I have about telling her. I know she won't leave. She has said as much. She would forgive me. So now telling her would just plain hurt (right out of the cheater's handbook but still true). But I'm not the kind of person that can lie for the rest of my life and I don't want that kind of marriage.

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I know the logical argument about not "lowering" myself just because she did. It's actually a powerful argument with me but after so many years of being the good guy, I'm wondering just how much that really matters. It doesn't seem to have paid off. I made sacrifices and they were in vain..

 

Hmmm...maybe its not quite the powerful arguement you say it is. Becasue if it was you wouldnt question it like you are doing right now.

 

Betrayed, I've been where you are as far as being the "just one" and the concerns you have is the conclusion that I came to after sitting down and really self reflecting. For me that whole "lowering yourself"..."you're better than them" argument was all hoohaa....just a bunch of empty phrases based on some heavily dogmatic beliefs. All that did was relegate me to the 3rd string with nothing to show for it.

 

Now thats my opinion as it applies to me and is by no means a blanket conclusion for all...if that sort of thing helps you feel better about yourself then knock yourself out...but the fact that you question it may indicate that you are not this type at all.

 

This is a real problem, not a philosophical one. I am emailing two women throughout the day and I am absolutely torn. If the OW wasn't looking for a long-term relationship, I would've gone and done it already. I wanted something short-term and that's the variable that hasn't worked out. I don't really want to do this as my honest nature is killing me but short of the logistics of keeping it short-term, I don't have a good reason not to go thru with it.

 

.

 

Fact of the matter is you are already cheating...just havent had sex....if you are going to potentially go down for cheating you may as well take it all the way to sex...it might be just the equalizer you are looking for.

 

However,

 

If you are going to cheat sexually and you dont want a serious relationship (but the OW does) then I suggest finding a girl that is of the short term inclination. Because the last thing you want is some crazy girl on you because she cant have what you are not willing to give.....she could cause serious hell in your life.

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frozensprouts

okay, maybe i am dense, but i don't see how you victimizing your wife will make you feel less victimized.

 

you say that you talked with her and that you know she won't leave you if you did cheat for " balancing"...

 

btw...is this a "one time only" thing? what if it doesn't work and you still feel victimized? will you cheat again? at what point will the line be drawn?

 

turn it around and look at it from your wife's perspective....

 

she will spend the rest of her life wondering if and when you will cheat on you. she may start to feel worse and worse about herself and more and more stressed. it's like an ongoing torture with no end in sight. do you feel that she deserves that? it seems awfully cruel to me.

 

it will hurt her if you tell her that, yes, you did cheat... but at least it will be out in the open where you two can talk about it and work together to get past it.

 

( are you sure you're not doing this out of anger and not because you need to "balance" things out? Seriously think about that... you have to find some way to deal with that anger that won't have the side effect of causing even more damage)

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In my first reply I suggested that perhaps it is your anger, shame, and deep hurt that is motivating your need to get even. Many other posters have made the same or similar observations. Why do you think that is? I'll tell you the obvious; because most of us are BS's who felt or feel exactly how you feel right now. This was because we were incredibly angry and/or disgusted with our spouses and didn't know how to express our feelings. Simple as that. I think that all of us have or will learn that there is no running away from ourselves and our feelings. Our fear of imagined repercussions if we expressed our true feelings was misguided and led to more & larger issues down the road.

 

I wish you could stop smoothing over and excusing your wife's betrayal at the expense of your true feelings just because you are afraid of some imagined outcome. Yes, these strong emotions are painful and may lead to more fighting, separation, or even eventual divorce. But they are REAL and if you would have been willing to face this whole thing head-on from the beginning you would not be in the awkward position you find yourself in now.

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In case you missed it, I broke it off with the OW today. She's graciously letting me go to find my way. At least it went smoothly.

 

Enough for today.

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A better idea would be to make her kiss your ass for a while and you get one week to do whatever the hell you want except for cheating. Cheating will just lower yourself to her level but one week you go out with the guys or do whatever you want and she can't say anything about it. You don't have to hurt her but stop bending over backwards for her.

 

I completely understand what it feels like for a nice to just get sick and tired of being trampled on but don't go down this road.

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