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Significant necklace?


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I haven't started a thread for a while.

 

My fWH gave the OW a distinctive necklace in 2003. It was bought with the credit card I didn't know about, from the funds he put in a secret account.

 

We each have money in our own names, and can spend it freely. But there is an implicit understanding that all our funds are joint and that we do not spend it in any way to the detriment of the other. My H broke that agreement numerous times obviously.

 

The OW by 2008 was having an A with another MM who left his wife and 4 children for her. Our d-days were both in October 2008. I have always believed that she really wanted my H to leave me and that she held off this other MM for a long time, while "waiting" for my H.

 

I have just discovered that the OW is still wearing the necklace. I am angry about this as I'm assuming that it's because she still has feelings for my H. She was actually married for most of the time she was in the affairs, that is until her H died shortly before the 2 d-days.

 

I am tempted to tell the "new" man as he may not know the history of the necklace she wears.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions as to what it means, if anything?

 

Maybe she just wears the necklace because she likes it and is not thinking of my H, and maybe the other MM does know its history.

Edited by SidLyon
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Sid, does it really matter that much that she is wearing the necklace? I have an old engagement ring I wear just because I like it, it has absolutely no significance and means nothing. I can see that it would irk that your money was used to buy it, but there is nothing you can do about it. If you tell the new man, you are just inserting yourself into her life and a whole can of worms could open, and what for? a necklace, just isn't worth it.

 

I would speak with your H and tell him how you feel as it might trigger some thoughts but do you really need the hassle. Seems like it is because it is October and possible trigger thoughts are going on. The necklace may just be a focus for your feelings, maybe. My D Day was also in October, a year before yours, that I know it was October means I have acknowledged there was an A (if that makes sense) how I deal with that is up to me. I choose to be happy that we are still together, happy and in love. I do acknowledge if I have trigger thoughts with H as they have the potential to get bigger before a blow out. The necklace is just a piece of nothing. xx For you Sid

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Well since neither you nor your husband are ever going to see, speak to, email or otherwise contact the other woman ever again, does it really matter what she does with her ill-gotten gains?

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I would speak with your H and tell him how you feel as it might trigger some thoughts but do you really need the hassle. Seems like it is because it is October and possible trigger thoughts are going on. The necklace may just be a focus for your feelings, maybe. My D Day was also in October, a year before yours, that I know it was October means I have acknowledged there was an A (if that makes sense) how I deal with that is up to me. I choose to be happy that we are still together, happy and in love. I do acknowledge if I have trigger thoughts with H as they have the potential to get bigger before a blow out. The necklace is just a piece of nothing. xx For you Sid

 

Re the bolded...

 

this is my thought too...that maybe it is this time of the year that is triggering this for you. My d-day is in November (3 years now, also 2008) but the autumn has been a rough time of the year for me ever since. It is getting easier this year though. When I feel sad, I acknowledge it and then think on how much my life and marriage has changed for the better since that time.

 

Try to forget the necklace. Imagine that it is a truly ugly piece of jewelry that she showed your H in some store and got him to buy it for her. Or on a nicer note, maybe it is the only nice piece of jewelry she owns and that is why she continues to wear it.

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I wear jewelry that ex's have given me. I like the jewelry, and it would be foolish to throw it away. I could give it away or sell it, but I really like the pieces.

 

Wedding rings aside, there have only been a few pieces of jewelry that really had any "meaning" to me.

 

Sid, I would try not to think about it. You have come so far in healing; don't let this push you farther back.

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She may be wearing it because she likes it or because she wants him...but in any case I don't think it matters really.

 

Unless your husband wants her too then she could tattoo his name above her heart and it would be meaningless.

 

I don't think it is your place to tell this man about her dealings....

 

I do understand the fury and annoyance but she will probably gain some sick pleasure from feeling like you're threatened and obsessed with her, as although the A has been done you seem to insert yourself into her life. I wouldn't want to give her that pleasure AT ALL and would kindly ignore her and live my life and allow her to do as she pleases.

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Well since neither you nor your husband are ever going to see, speak to, email or otherwise contact the other woman ever again, does it really matter what she does with her ill-gotten gains?

 

This is also my question.

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I realize that she intruded upon your life previously but that is no longer the case and frankly you have absolutely no business intruding in hers now.

 

I agree. Stay out of her life.

 

Also, don't open the door to drama re-entering YOUR life.

 

It is her jewelry to wear as she pleases. That's all there is to it.

 

OTOH, if it really bothers you, you could buy the same piece but just a little bit nicer, more expensive, and wear that. (just kidding! Mostly :o)

Edited by xxoo
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confusedinkansas

Gift!

8 years ago!

& why the heck do you still know what this other woman is up to & furthermore, why do you care one way or the other about this other woman?

If you stayed with your husband after he cheated (sorry don't know the back story) then part of staying with your spouse is learning to let the affair go & Move On.

If you didn't stay with your husband....even weirder why you care one way or the other.

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Summer Breeze
Gift!

8 years ago!

& why the heck do you still know what this other woman is up to & furthermore, why do you care one way or the other about this other woman?

If you stayed with your husband after he cheated (sorry don't know the back story) then part of staying with your spouse is learning to let the affair go & Move On.

If you didn't stay with your husband....even weirder why you care one way or the other.

 

I was wondering similar. How do you know she was wearing it and if it was word of mouth and you didn't witness it, I don't understand the big deal. If she doesn't see you or your H on a day to day basis and 'knows' she won't be running into you, why would it be an issue? Xmm told me once that a photo I use on facebook really ticked his W off. He took it of me. It was of just me and a great photo. She actually had him call me after I ended things and ask me to take the photo off as my profile picture. My return comment was that we weren't friends so if she didn't want to see it she shouldn't keep looking at my profile. Along the same lines if you aren't in any situations where you see her wearing the necklace it's not something you have any say over. If she was flaunting it and chasing after your H then I'd say to have a word with her.

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SID, woman to woman? Yeah, this would anger me to no end. Jewelry is so damn personal.

 

A necklace bought with your money behind your back for a woman having an affair with your H that you also knew nothing of. On a level of pure ego, I get the feeling. I really do.

 

Talk to your H about it. Explain it would be like you buying signifigant sapphire cufflinks for your lover without your husband's consent and let's just say sapphires are your H's birthstone.

 

But your lover wears them all the time around town. OUCH!

 

I get it. Can you discuss this with your H and make sure HE GETS IT?

 

As for the new man, fergetaboutit! He won't care. Don't waste your energy. Put it into talking to your H about your feelings.

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Summer Breeze
SID, woman to woman? Yeah, this would anger me to no end. Jewelry is so damn personal.

 

A necklace bought with your money behind your back for a woman having an affair with your H that you also knew nothing of. On a level of pure ego, I get the feeling. I really do.

 

Talk to your H about it. Explain it would be like you buying signifigant sapphire cufflinks for your lover without your husband's consent and let's just say sapphires are your H's birthstone.

 

But your lover wears them all the time around town. OUCH!

 

I get it. Can you discuss this with your H and make sure HE GETS IT?

 

As for the new man, fergetaboutit! He won't care. Don't waste your energy. Put it into talking to your H about your feelings.

 

When I read this earlier today a thought sprung to mind immediately. I chose not to voice it because I thought it would look like I was having a go rather than asking a question. I've decided that because it really is a sincere question I'm going to go with it.

 

You explain how you understand how the OP feels about this necklace and in that you mention that jewellery is so 'damn personal'. Here is my question. Why is that any more personal and infuriating than the fact her H slept with someone else? It doesn't get much more personal than that. I'm not trying to get a rise or anything. I've made it clear I left my xH because I knew I couldn't trust him no matter what he offered to do to make things work. To me the fact that he violated my trust and our M by sleeping with someone else destroyed everything. If you can forgive th act of infidelity then why is a necklace such an issue? I know I may never understand it but I do my best to try to. I don't know how anyone stays but I've seen it happens in here and I must say I respect people who have the strength to do it. I read some of your stories and think I took the easy out.

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If you can forgive th act of infidelity then why is a necklace such an issue? I know I may never understand it but I do my best to try to. I don't know how anyone stays but I've seen it happens in here and I must say I respect people who have the strength to do it. I read some of your stories and think I took the easy out.

 

I wonder the same. If a necklace can inspire this much pain after this many years--is it really about the necklace? Or is the necklace just bringing up emotions that are stuffed down, forcibly, but always bubbling under the surface?

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I wonder the same. If a necklace can inspire this much pain after this many years--is it really about the necklace? Or is the necklace just bringing up emotions that are stuffed down, forcibly, but always bubbling under the surface?

 

I think it has to be the latter, as things in and of themselves don't mean anything, so one's reaction to a thing has to be about more than the thing and unresolved emotions re the situation surrounding that thing.

 

Example: when my ex and I broke up and I had all these unresolved feelings of hurt and pain it was unbearable for me to go to placed we had been to, see the type of car he drove, eat particular foods etc as I would have an adverse reaction to them...it wasn't because of them...it was because of my unresolved feelings for him and the hurt and unforgiveness I felt towards him. Once I completely resolved that, I no longer had any negative or positive emotion towards physical objects that would upset me to no end before.

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It really doesn't matter why she is wearing it, it IS hers to wear or not. I still think it would be a mistake for Sid to break her end of the NC and frankly if I was the xow and she talked to my new man, I'd be furious and I would not take it sitting down.

 

Thanks for your thoughts and opinions everyone.

 

I disagree that it's morally hers. It was paid for with my money and she received it knowing it was "taken" from my funds without my knowledge or consent. If she was an innocent recipient that would be different; but she wasn't.

 

You raise an interesting point LadyGrey. Perhaps she is furious because I already spoke to the "new" man more than a year ago. He was unaware before I spoke to him, that she'd been carrying on with my H at the same time as she was having an affair with him (he was also married). Perhaps her wearing the necklace now, is her way of getting back at me and not taking it "sitting down", to use your words.

 

The day before I started this thread I met with the "other" BW who was upset that she still didn't know what the OW looked like. I managed to find a recent photo of the OW on Facebook to send to the other BW. I noticed the necklace and asked my fWH (we are still together) if it was the one he had bought her. {Just explaining how I came to find out for someone that asked}

 

It does seem like a rather tame way of getting back at me as she wasn't to know that I'd even find out.

 

If that's what it is, I'm not so angry, because to be honest I don't mind the thought at all that I've provoked her to do something that may not be in the best interests of her "new" relationship. It depends how much the new guy knows I suppose.

 

Just out of interest what would you actually do, LadyGrey (or anyone else in this situation) to express your fury? You said in an earlier post you would be tempted to retaliate.

Edited by SidLyon
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bentnotbroken
Thanks for your thoughts and opinions everyone.

 

You raise an interesting point LadyGrey. Perhaps she is furious because I already spoke to the "new" man more than a year ago. He was unaware before I spoke to him, that she'd been carrying on with my H at the same time as she was having an affair with him (he was also married). Perhaps her wearing the necklace now, is her way of getting back at me and not taking it "sitting down", to use your words.

 

The day before I started this thread I met with the "other" BW who was upset that she still didn't know what the OW looked like. I managed to find a recent photo of the OW on Facebook to send to the other BW. I noticed the necklace and asked my fWH (we are still together) if it was the one he had bought her. {Just explaining how I came to find out for someone that asked}

 

It does seem like a rather tame way of getting back at me as she wasn't to know that I'd even find out.

 

If that's what it is, I'm not so angry, because to be honest I don't mind the thought at all that I've provoked her to do something that may not be in the best interests of her "new" relationship. It depends how much the new guy knows I suppose.

 

Just out of interest what would you actually do, LadyGrey (or anyone else in this situation) to express your fury? You said in an earlier post you would be tempted to retaliate.

 

 

Syd, be careful.

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Sid,

 

I have an honest question. Do you think it's productive to still be worrying about this woman and her scandals? Believe me, I do understand and have experienced being furious and overly concerned with another woman who was involved with someone I loved, but as time went on I grew to not care one bit.

 

It seems a bit strange to me that you and your husband are (happy?) and you still care about her life, care about making her furious, care about looking up recent pics of her, care about "telling on her" etc. I really do not want you to take this the wrong way but I am very curious as to how this fits in with a happy, reconciled life? My hope in all situations is to become indifferent, as that allows me to be fully present in the now, so it is difficult for me to understand this as it isn't indifference but still an active concern that goes beyond the casual annoyance...

Edited by MissBee
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Sid,

 

I have an honest question. Do you think it's productive to still be worrying about this woman and her scandals? Believe me, I do understand and have experienced being furious and overly concerned with another woman who was involved with someone I loved, but as time went on I grew to not care one bit.

 

It seems a bit strange to me that you and your husband are (happy?) and you still care about her life, care about making her furious, care about looking up recent pics of her, care about "telling on her" etc. I really do not want you to take this the wrong way but I am very curious as to how this fits in with a happy, reconciled life? My hope in all situations is to become indifferent, as that allows me to be fully present in the now, so it is difficult for me to understand this as it isn't indifference but still an active concern that goes beyond the casual annoyance...

 

Well sadly it's not all over as the question of paternity of her son is still not resolved.

 

I said I was angry in my opening post however it was in fact someone else who suggested that the OW may be furious. I don't think furious is an apt description as to how I feel. Now a couple of days have passed even angry isn't the right word any more.

 

I don't mind the thought that she is hurt or furious though as she has caused enormous damage to my family. Quite possibly she isn't furious though. I have no evidence of this other than what a couple of posters have suggested might be the case.

 

As for your question about "productive". The whole thing is not at all bad for me now and the reconciliation between my H and I is going very well.

 

We are happy but I'd be a fool to bury my head in the sand about what has happened and the knowledge of what my H was clearly capable of.

 

I attended a lecture yesterday (Saturday) by the author of a book called "Sex at Dawn" a best seller fro this year. The theme of the book which I am now reading is that monogamy is not natural to humans. Whether you agree or not it's a good read.

 

Today (Sunday) I attended a lecture by a member of the team, led by the man who last week won the Nobel prize for physics. Makes one realise how small one is in the universe and how privileged to get even a small understanding of how it all works.

 

The point I'm making is that contrary to speculation of some people who have been good enough to reply to my post, the A and the OW does not consume my life or my thinking. But I do like to read and occasionally post or ask questions.

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When I read this earlier today a thought sprung to mind immediately. I chose not to voice it because I thought it would look like I was having a go rather than asking a question. I've decided that because it really is a sincere question I'm going to go with it.

 

You explain how you understand how the OP feels about this necklace and in that you mention that jewellery is so 'damn personal'. Here is my question. Why is that any more personal and infuriating than the fact her H slept with someone else? It doesn't get much more personal than that. I'm not trying to get a rise or anything. I've made it clear I left my xH because I knew I couldn't trust him no matter what he offered to do to make things work. To me the fact that he violated my trust and our M by sleeping with someone else destroyed everything. If you can forgive th act of infidelity then why is a necklace such an issue? I know I may never understand it but I do my best to try to. I don't know how anyone stays but I've seen it happens in here and I must say I respect people who have the strength to do it. I read some of your stories and think I took the easy out.

 

It's another level of betrayal and it is so permanent.

 

He no longer sleeps with her; he sleeps with me everynight.:)

 

But it will always be half my MONEY that bought her that necklace; money that belonged to my children that she willingly accepted. She accepted a lot of gifts for herself and her child. Did she NEVER think where and whose money it was?

 

As a single mom she was shrewd enough to know better, but just too callous to care. After DDay, she still fished for a promised trip for her and her son....a very expensive one. Who knew true love could be so...mercenary.

 

So yes, if I saw a pic of her wearing his gift on a social networking site, I'd be pretty convinced it was just another shot at me. There have been so many!

 

And I would show it to my H and hoped he would understand why that would trigger my anger.

 

For some OW, it it a huge competition with the spouse, especially if she was not the chosen one. It can and HAS lasted for 4 years now.

 

I ignore it/her. But I so get how Sid could/would get riled by it. These TYPE of OW are out there. Maybe it wasn't your sitch, but it certainly has been mine.

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Since you already have contacted her new guy previously, I'd bet that she is angry and from some of your other posts detailing how you outted her, she is most likely very angry at you. I'm not saying her anger is justified regarding prior actions but yet with the NC contact active, you need to honor your end of it for your own sake.

 

Good question but it's difficult for me to answer since I don't know all the variables that apply to you, so I can really only answer in relationship to my prior experience as an OW. xmm and his bs reconciled, I have no idea how it's going. I have nc with him or her and yes her and I had several conversations on d day. There is a difference in my situation and most others as I was lied to about his marital status but yet there was a period of time when I did know I was the ow so I am not without fault, but here is my answer as it relates to me. If the bs in my situation took it upon herself to contact a man I was dating, I would be furious and rightly so. What I do now, and who I do it with has NOTHING to do with her or her husband. That is my past, and I am their past, my life or my relationships are not hers to do anything at all with. I'm not a violent or crazy person, so I guess the only avenue I would have is to see what I could do legally but I'm sure I would have to write a letter or an email having my say. I'm not a 3rd party any longer and she would have no right to be a 3rd party in anything of mine.

 

 

Again this is an interesting perspective with which I don't agree. In regard to your bolded comments:

 

1. Not as angry as I was at her interference in my life. Mine was at least justified. In a tit for tat world she inserted herself into my life long before I did in hers and for a much longer period of years.

 

2. There is no NC agreement between her and I for me to honour. I have never made any agreement of any sort with her about NC or anything else. [Added later: At one stage she promised me she would never contact my H again. I made no promises in return. She broke the promise months later so in any case I felt free to interfere in her life and contact her or anyone else in her life. I still feel free to do this but haven't actually done so for a while now.]

 

3. Yes I get you would be furious, but I don't agree that it is "rightly so" in the case of an OW but somehow not so right for a BW.

 

4. Have you considered that a BW might be even more furious at the contact between an OW and her H, during the A?

 

3. Just as you do, I consider myself completely entitled to interfere with her life if I feel like it, provided it is legal. That is what you potentially sign up for as an OW. In fact if she did write me an e-mail I'd probably jump at the chance to tell her and her new MM what I think of her/them.

She is probably too smart to do this and doesn't know I know about the necklace anyway.

 

4. Not meaning to pick on you but if you reverse your feelings about the BW in your situation; ie that she has no right to interfere in your life and that you would be justified in retaliating if she did; and consider that many BW may have those feelings too, you might get some understanding of how some BW may feel. I also realise you were an "unknowing" OW which would increase your sense of entitlement to victimhood, just as for many BW. Just remember you weren't the BW's victim.

 

As it happens we are a long way past d-day and this is yet another blip in the process of rebuilding. If I were to ever see her wearing it in person (unlikely I think) I would definitely say something. My feelings are quite similar to Spark's about this.

Edited by SidLyon
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But it will always be half my MONEY that bought her that necklace; money that belonged to my children that she willingly accepted. She accepted a lot of gifts for herself and her child. Did she NEVER think where and whose money it was?

 

I sympathize because even IMAGINING this scenario is infuriating....

 

But the fact remains that your husband chose to spend that money on her. To fault her for accepting the gift, or for wearing jewelry that was given to her by someone she cared about, seems to be misplaced anger.

 

Have you told your H how many emotions seeing that necklace has brought up?

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I sympathize because even IMAGINING this scenario is infuriating....

 

But the fact remains that your husband chose to spend that money on her. To fault her for accepting the gift, or for wearing jewelry that was given to her by someone she cared about, seems to be misplaced anger.

 

Have you told your H how many emotions seeing that necklace has brought up?

 

Is this to me or Spark?

 

Assuming it's to me, then my response is I agree with you that my H chose to spend our money on her, and I fault him for this. I do fault her too, for accepting a gift that she knew was bought from my funds. In my view it is not morally hers and never has been.

 

I talk to my H about everything including the emotions (not as many or severe as many posters seem to think).

 

As I've already said I was angry when I first saw the photo a few days ago. Now it's just another blip. My anger is nearly always short-lived.

 

The question I really "hoped" would be addressed was whether her continuing to wear it was significant to her in that it meant she is still pining after my H. A few posters have discussed this, and really as anticipated, we can't tell, it may mean that or she might just like the necklace.

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Is this to me or Spark?

 

Assuming it's to me, then my response is I agree with you that my H chose to spend our money on her, and I fault him for this. I do fault her too, for accepting a gift that she knew was bought from my funds. In my view it is not morally hers and never has been.

 

I talk to my H about everything including the emotions (not as many or severe as many posters seem to think).

 

As I've already said I was angry when I first saw the photo a few days ago. Now it's just another blip. My anger is nearly always short-lived.

 

The question I really "hoped" would be addressed was whether her continuing to wear it was significant to her in that it meant she is still pining after my H. A few posters have discussed this, and really as anticipated, we can't tell, it may mean that or she might just like the necklace.

 

It was to both of you.

 

You talk to your H, and claim the emotions aren't so strong.....but you would say something to her about it if you saw her wearing it in person?

 

Would you say your comments to her regarding the necklace would be about the same emotional level as your comments to your H were about it this week?

 

Because I think your H deserves FAR more fury about her having that necklace to wear. And I think it would be a mistake to acknowledge her wearing it in person. Ignoring it would be more powerful.

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