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I feel that physical affairs are far worse than emotional affairs.


DarkPrince

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Am I the only one that fells that emotional affairs are not as bad as physical affairs? I think physical affairs are 1000x worse, esp when the woman is the cheater. When the man is the cheater then I can see how an emotional affair would be more hurtful to the wife than a physical affair, but as a guy I would be a million times more hurt if my with had a physical affair. An emotional affair, if it stays just emotional and not physical is not even an issue with me. Do any other guys feel the same?

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I agree with you...and I'm speaking from a woman's POV. I think often-not always, but often, there are real gender differences as to how someone responds when they are betrayed by their spouse.

 

I will often read things here like, "do xyz before your wife and the other guy make the relationship physical" almost like the emotional part is inconsequential. Usually this type of advice will come from another male poster.

 

But don't disregard the emotional aspect of an affair. Most women need to have the emotional connection first before engaging in the physical part of an affair.

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Having "only" experienced dealing with the damage from an EA...I can't say without a doubt which is more damaging.

 

But my gut response is, you've got EA, you've got PA, and you've got the combo EA/PA.

 

I think that EA/PA is worse...you have to deal with BOTH elements at the same time.

 

Comparitive between "just" EA and PA...can't call it. Both have different attributes that complicate the situation on their own merits. On "just" a PA, you're dealing with the mental movies and comparisons that you just can't avoid. With "just" an EA, it's the knowledge that you truly were "replaced" in your spouse's heart and mind.

 

The combo is obviously the worst of the bunch. After that...can't call it, and think it probably depends a lot on the people involved.

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I think most affairs are EA/PA to differing degrees. I used to make the comparison too...but now I really think they are feathers off the same bird.

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It's because males are loaded with testosterone and women are not. For women, even though they can love sex there is a huge component that requires emotional attachment, the greater the emotional attachment the more fulfilling the sex.

 

As men we see the world through mens eyes and therefore attach everything relationship wise to the act of having sex, this is exacerbated by the fact that we are highly competitive and see if our SO has sex with another man as being cast down from our notch in the social hierarchy - like the reality in the animal kingdom.

 

Truth is EAs are a lot more damaging then pure PAs. Emotional attachment trumps physical attachment it's just that you have a highly tangible thing to point to and it's glaringly obvious you've been highly disrespected. What you probably fail to realize is that in an EA you might be having sex with your SO but in her head she's not having sex with you.

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I think most affairs are EA/PA to differing degrees. I used to make the comparison too...but now I really think they are feathers off the same bird.

 

I would agree with that somewhat.

 

I'd also point out that the actions/plan required to recover a marriage and/or end it as a result of any of these all remain the same, regardless of the 'type' of affair involved.

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It's because males are loaded with testosterone and women are not. For women, even though they can love sex there is a huge component that requires emotional attachment, the greater the emotional attachment the more fulfilling the sex.

 

As men we see the world through mens eyes and therefore attach everything relationship wise to the act of having sex, this is exacerbated by the fact that we are highly competitive and see if our SO has sex with another man as being cast down from our notch in the social hierarchy - like the reality in the animal kingdom.

 

Truth is EAs are a lot more damaging then pure PAs. Emotional attachment trumps physical attachment it's just that you have a highly tangible thing to point to and it's glaringly obvious you've been highly disrespected. What you probably fail to realize is that in an EA you might be having sex with your SO but in her head she's not having sex with you.

 

Thats a very good point and I hadnt thought of that. But the way I look at it is as long as its only emotional, and hasnt turned physical, you can still fix it. Once it turns physical, you can no longer take it back. Its one thing if your wife has a crush on the cute guy at work, even if she fantasizes about him while she's having sex with you. But as long as it stays that way, you can take steps to renew her interest in you, and her attraction to the other guy will fade. Now once she actually has sex with the other guy, then no matter what happens after, even if she ends up hating him and loving you more than ever, you can never go back to the way things were.

As a guy, Ill always know that he was in there. When Im having sex with her, Ill be thinking that the other guy was doing and feeling the same thing that I am this moment. From a guys perspective you cant get over it easily once it turns physical. EA's on the other hand are like school crushes. They come and go.

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If you think about it tho...what specifically, physically is it that you "can't take back"?

 

That she was "with" someone else? What does that actually change? What are the actual, concrete differences?

 

None. The 'differences' are in your mind. That doesn't make them any less difficult to deal with, don't take me wrong.

 

But if you look at it like that, you can see that you're fighting the same battle with an EA as well. The difference is YOU, and how YOU respond to what's happened.

 

Physically, other than the risk of STD's and pregnancy...there's no difference. You wouldn't know if it was PA or EA. In fact, most people don't truly know...they rely on what they're told, or what they can find out.

 

Now...a PA might be harder FOR YOU TO FORGIVE. And that's fine, again, don't take me wrong. For some, it's harder to forgive. For others, an EA is harder to forgive.

 

That's why I can't call one worse than the other...but to me it's clear that dealing with BOTH is the worst.

 

Make sense?

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Thats a very good point and I hadnt thought of that. But the way I look at it is as long as its only emotional, and hasnt turned physical, you can still fix it. Once it turns physical, you can no longer take it back. Its one thing if your wife has a crush on the cute guy at work, even if she fantasizes about him while she's having sex with you. But as long as it stays that way, you can take steps to renew her interest in you, and her attraction to the other guy will fade. Now once she actually has sex with the other guy, then no matter what happens after, even if she ends up hating him and loving you more than ever, you can never go back to the way things were.

As a guy, Ill always know that he was in there. When Im having sex with her, Ill be thinking that the other guy was doing and feeling the same thing that I am this moment. From a guys perspective you cant get over it easily once it turns physical. EA's on the other hand are like school crushes. They come and go.

 

I'm not disagreeing with the psychological impact on you, as a man I understand how painful, hurtful, etc... that conjuring up can be. I had a high-school GF cheat on me and that's all that stuck in my head. I get that, but it faded over time and the emotional bond was gone so I moved onto someone else.

 

What I think you're overlooking is a relationship and its ability to be repaired is a two-way road. An EA IS NOT a High-School crush, it's not an infatuation, it's a rip-out and replace emotionally of the SO. In a pure PA with no emotional attachment it's probably the easiest to fix (not saying easy, just easiest/easier), the bond you have/had hasn't yet been replaced and so both parties, if willing, can make a concerted effort to overcome. In an EA that bond has been replaced by another person; for a woman this is significant. It requires a ton of work on both people to re-create that emotional bond in their M, and the WS has to except that the AP is hypothetically-dead and has to go through that grief. Otherwise you're living with someone who is in love with someone else, and just tending to you as a room-mate, or worse treating you like crap all the time because they resent you. The other thing about EAs is if not fully addressed and resolved they lie dormant, just read all the recent threads, a woman can hold onto an xAP/EA for years and if they reconnect it flares up all over again.

 

An EA+PA I'd say is the worst and hardest to deal with.

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Thats a very good point and I hadnt thought of that. But the way I look at it is as long as its only emotional, and hasnt turned physical, you can still fix it. Once it turns physical, you can no longer take it back. Its one thing if your wife has a crush on the cute guy at work, even if she fantasizes about him while she's having sex with you. But as long as it stays that way, you can take steps to renew her interest in you, and her attraction to the other guy will fade. Now once she actually has sex with the other guy, then no matter what happens after, even if she ends up hating him and loving you more than ever, you can never go back to the way things were.

As a guy, Ill always know that he was in there. When Im having sex with her, Ill be thinking that the other guy was doing and feeling the same thing that I am this moment. From a guys perspective you cant get over it easily once it turns physical. EA's on the other hand are like school crushes. They come and go.

 

DH, I think you're underestimating the emotional significance of an EA. Circular described it really well in his post above.

 

A true EA is not a silly high school crush. Sure, married people can have these types of crushes and their marriage may or may not come out worse for it. A full scale EA is everything that a PA can be and more.

 

As a woman, I feel that an EA is worse for a marriage than a PA. And I also feel that very few married women have purely physical affairs. IMO, for women there is almost always an emotional component that has to occur before the dreaded PA.

 

Read the threads on here by MW who are having affairs. Do you read very many threads that are from women who are having an affair for just the sex? No, they are attached through the emotional aspect of it. The sex is just an important part that follows.

 

Don't get me wrong...the thought of your spouse having a physical affair is gut-wrenching even for a wife to have to work through! And I think the PA aspect is even worse for a husband.

 

However, don't disregard the EA as a crush. The EA strikes at the core of the marriage, where emotional intimacy, love, affection, etc. lies.

 

Again, I think EA/PA aspects are usually intertwined.

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I am dealing with my H having an EA with a co-worker currently. And IMO, the EA affects every aspect of our marriage- including intimacy! Every time we have been intimate since I discovered the EA I wonder if he is thinking of her. The work it takes to rebuild a marriage may be the same for EA or PA but IMO dealing with the fact that he has an emotional bond with someone else bothers me more than anything. I could forgive a fling that was just physical much easier personally. EA's are referred to as an affair of the heart and you don't give your heart to someone you don't love IMO. And once you are that involved it's just a matter of time before it becomes physical. I have said to my H many times why put so much time and effort into a relationship with someone if it's just going to be talking and texting and flirting all the time? He was looking for it to become physical at some point or he would not have devoted so much of himself to her! So it's not anything like a high school crush- it crushes the BS!

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I have a question. Do you think someone can have an affair that is not sexual in nature? Obviously a PA is sexual, but isn't an EA based on sexual attraction as well when you get right down to it?

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Am I the only one that fells that emotional affairs are not as bad as physical affairs?

 

no, I am right there with you. Although I won't be with someone that had either type of affair, to me, physical is worse.

 

I won't be haunted by visions in my head of a girlfriend developing feelings for another guy.

 

but visions of her riding his member or slobbing on it is a different story.

 

and while we are on the subject, ladies, question:

 

what would bother you more. Knowing your man had sex with another woman? or knowing that she gave him a blowjob to climax?

 

my feeling is that the blowjob would bother women more because that is one of the gripes I think most men have in alot of committed relationships, that they don't get blowjobs.

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I think most affairs are EA/PA to differing degrees. I used to make the comparison too...but now I really think they are feathers off the same bird.

 

 

Exactly. Betrayal is betrayal.

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I can understand why you as a man would feel this way.

 

Have you ever been betrayed?

 

Generally men have a more difficult time with the mind movies of their partner having sex with another. Men tend to be very visual, and if they believe they cannot stop the mind movies, they move quickly to divorce.

 

Women tend to be most hurt by the emotional intimacy their partner shares with another.

 

But I agree that betrayal is betrayal, and whether it is an EA, PA, ONS or has lasted years, it all hurts to the very core.

 

What if she referred to him by your pet name? What if she used very intimate phrases to describe parts of his or her anatomy, things you thought were special and unique to just the two of you? What is she complained about you to him?

 

It all hurts.

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I have a question. Do you think someone can have an affair that is not sexual in nature? Obviously a PA is sexual, but isn't an EA based on sexual attraction as well when you get right down to it?

 

I agree. I don't think anyone has an emotional affair with someone they are not sexually attracted to.

 

My H and I are friends with another married couple. They have an open marriage. I used to speak on the phone with her husband almost daily since we worked together a lot during a certain period. It started to feel like an emotional connection beyond that of friends was developing. We didn't talk about our marriages, but our friendship was really taking off.

 

But I wasn't physically attracted to him for many reasons. A great, nice, easy going and friendly guy, but I was not attracted to him. I stopped talking to him as much because I didn't want to give him the wrong idea.

 

When people are sexually attracted to each other, they don't mind giving someone the "wrong" idea and it leads to these emotional affairs.

 

The OP is ignoring a very important part of how the EA began in the first place. It starts with the attraction.

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I have the worst of both worlds.

Initially her affair was an EA…that’s when I found out....the first time. It was bad for me emotionally to know she was capable of lying to me and developing a close friendship with the OM. I knew there were emotions involved even though she denied it. She agreed to not talk to him anymore and we focused on us and our marriage recovery. I felt like she stabbed me in the heart. The fact that she was capable of an EA and I was in the process of being emotionally replaced, without a doubt. Because it had not gone physical, it wasn't insurmountable for me to get past it and move forward. Things seemed to get a lot better within a few weeks and I thought I had dodged a Bullitt.

 

Fast forward 15 months. I began to realize something was not right again. I started digging and began to find little things that were not right. I found she was still in contact with him. She had learned from her previous mistakes and was now much more sneaky and careful. I confronted her and she said they were still friends…again denied emotional involvement. Finally, out of frustration I contacted the OM's wife. She sent me months worth of messages between them confirming not only was it an EA but a PA as well. Not only was I stabbed in the heart by her, I was kicked in the balls as well.

 

I have experienced both now. I can tell you that the EA was bad for me…depressing. Being emotionally replaced is a horrible feeling. Keep in mind that I didn't understand the deep implications of an EA at the time. But nothing could prepare me for the absolute devastation that I would experience when faced with both. This was worst type of completely incapacitating pain I have ever experienced. I had been replaced emotionally and physically…completely replaced and discarded.

 

I do believe that for women to have a PA there needs to be an EA there to start with. I still wonder if her affair was just a PA how I would have felt. I know it would have been bad…worse than just an EA. Because of the guy/ego/competitive thing, the physical part is especially tough to get past for a man. The movies in my head are bad and are always there waiting. They do fade with time but have a nasty habit of coming to the surface when triggered. Although it doesn't help that I have read all of their messages to each other and have too much detail. My mind also seems to replay them and is constantly looking at the physical part from different perspectives…thinking about it in different ways and finding things I hadn't thought of before. I feel that recovery, in the long run would be easier if there was no fear of my W thinking/dreaming about the OM. Without an emotional bond there would be a much lower chance of them reconnecting again and she would hopefully look back at what she did with shame and disgust with out any fondness.

 

I agree that without physical attraction there would be no EA or PA…Just a plutonic friendship. I agree also that when people are sexually attracted to each other, they don't mind giving someone the "wrong" idea and it leads to these emotional affairs. This is how they start. I feel that an EA is, in the long run, far more damaging to the marriage.

 

Circular wrote:

"What I think you're overlooking is a relationship and its ability to be repaired is a two-way road. An EA IS NOT a High-School crush, it's not an infatuation, it's a rip-out and replace emotionally of the SO. In a pure PA with no emotional attachment it's probably the easiest to fix (not saying easy, just easiest/easier), the bond you have/had hasn't yet been replaced and so both parties, if willing, can make a concerted effort to overcome. In an EA that bond has been replaced by another person; for a woman this is significant. It requires a ton of work on both people to re-create that emotional bond in their M, and the WS has to except that the AP is hypothetically-dead and has to go through that grief. Otherwise you're living with someone who is in love with someone else, and just tending to you as a room-mate, or worse treating you like crap all the time because they resent you. The other thing about EAs is if not fully addressed and resolved they lie dormant, just read all the recent threads, a woman can hold onto an xAP/EA for years and if they reconnect it flares up all over again.

 

I agree with all of this.

EA's are not simple crushes. There is nothing simple about them. They are made up of a complex series of thoughts, decisions, and deceptions. Maybe that is because of the forbidden nature of affairs and also the illicitness and secrecy involved to maintain them. EA's involve emotions and deep feelings. The WS, in my case my wife, was still thinking about the OM even when she was with me…slowly disconnecting from me. Our marriage was in a death spiral as each day passed. The PA was inevitable.

 

My biggest fear was that they would reconnect after she committed to our marriage…and It came true. It only took then about 2 months to reconnect…if they ever stopped.

 

In the end, as bentnotbroked said…"betrayal is betrayal"

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I have the worst of both worlds.

Initially her affair was an EA…that’s when I found out....the first time. It was bad for me emotionally to know she was capable of lying to me and developing a close friendship with the OM. I knew there were emotions involved even though she denied it. She agreed to not talk to him anymore and we focused on us and our marriage recovery. I felt like she stabbed me in the heart. The fact that she was capable of an EA and I was in the process of being emotionally replaced, without a doubt. Because it had not gone physical, it wasn't insurmountable for me to get past it and move forward. Things seemed to get a lot better within a few weeks and I thought I had dodged a Bullitt.

 

Fast forward 15 months. I began to realize something was not right again. I started digging and began to find little things that were not right. I found she was still in contact with him. She had learned from her previous mistakes and was now much more sneaky and careful. I confronted her and she said they were still friends…again denied emotional involvement. Finally, out of frustration I contacted the OM's wife. She sent me months worth of messages between them confirming not only was it an EA but a PA as well. Not only was I stabbed in the heart by her, I was kicked in the balls as well.

 

I have experienced both now. I can tell you that the EA was bad for me…depressing. Being emotionally replaced is a horrible feeling. Keep in mind that I didn't understand the deep implications of an EA at the time. But nothing could prepare me for the absolute devastation that I would experience when faced with both. This was worst type of completely incapacitating pain I have ever experienced. I had been replaced emotionally and physically…completely replaced and discarded.

 

I do believe that for women to have a PA there needs to be an EA there to start with. I still wonder if her affair was just a PA how I would have felt. I know it would have been bad…worse than just an EA. Because of the guy/ego/competitive thing, the physical part is especially tough to get past for a man. The movies in my head are bad and are always there waiting. They do fade with time but have a nasty habit of coming to the surface when triggered. Although it doesn't help that I have read all of their messages to each other and have too much detail. My mind also seems to replay them and is constantly looking at the physical part from different perspectives…thinking about it in different ways and finding things I hadn't thought of before. I feel that recovery, in the long run would be easier if there was no fear of my W thinking/dreaming about the OM. Without an emotional bond there would be a much lower chance of them reconnecting again and she would hopefully look back at what she did with shame and disgust with out any fondness.

 

I agree that without physical attraction there would be no EA or PA…Just a plutonic friendship. I agree also that when people are sexually attracted to each other, they don't mind giving someone the "wrong" idea and it leads to these emotional affairs. This is how they start. I feel that an EA is, in the long run, far more damaging to the marriage.

 

 

 

I agree with all of this.

EA's are not simple crushes. There is nothing simple about them. They are made up of a complex series of thoughts, decisions, and deceptions. Maybe that is because of the forbidden nature of affairs and also the illicitness and secrecy involved to maintain them. EA's involve emotions and deep feelings. The WS, in my case my wife, was still thinking about the OM even when she was with me…slowly disconnecting from me. Our marriage was in a death spiral as each day passed. The PA was inevitable.

 

My biggest fear was that they would reconnect after she committed to our marriage…and It came true. It only took then about 2 months to reconnect…if they ever stopped.

 

In the end, as bentnotbroked said…"betrayal is betrayal"

 

 

Decimated~~

 

my heart goes out to you for your pain---I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That level of betrayal can feel like a mortal wound to one's heart. I hope you'll be able to heal from this.:(

 

 

 

I have to agree---I think the impact of EA's is often minimized by those who've never experienced the receiving end of it....

 

Finding out that all of your vulnerabilities, and secrets--deeply personal information was discussed with an outside party behind your back----an outside party with an interest in seeing your relationship fail.........

 

is utterly devastating.

 

Not to mention finding out that the intimacy that you believed was sacrosanct between the two of you-----was actually being spent elsewhere.

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Its all in the eye of the betrayed---cept there are no visions attached to an EA

 

Maybe for you there weren't--

 

But for me there were...........

 

I found out that my relationship with my SO had been discussed at length with the OW--because she was all too happy to rub my face in it--the first time I ever met her.

 

So , I was haunted by visions of being discussed behind my back--put on trial in my absence---for me, that was the ultimate betrayal.Far worse than a physical betrayal---

 

While I don't condone a physical betrayal at all---I can understand that it can happen, especially in an alcohol induced fog--and sexual attraction can be a very powerful force. (doesn't make it right.......)

 

But for him to betray my trust--emotionally--- AND my privacy like that, all the while claiming to love me---was SOOO much harder for me to wrap my head around.........

 

 

I was more bothered by wondering what was said, than wondering what happened.......

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I just dont feel the way alot of you do about EA's. My wife cheated on me several years ago. We were having marital problems back then and were not getting along well at all. We both had people of the opposite sex which be bacame emotionally close to to fill the gap that we had with each other. It didnt bother me then, and it doesnt bother now that she confided in those men, and she felt closeness and attraction with those men. They came and went.

She let it turn physical one time, and she didnt even make him use protection. At that time of the month she even made me wear a condom so she wouldnt risk pregnancy. She did not make him wear a condom.

I dont care what she felt for the guy. She could have thought he was her kinght in shining armor, or she could have thought of him as nothing but a botty call. It doesnt matter to me. All I care about is the fact that he did one of the most intimate things a man can do to a woman with her. Thats the part Ill never fully get over, and the fact she didnt make him wear a condom, so that means he's felt everything that I feel. There's no part of her that he hasnt experienced first hand. It cheapens the sex for me with her even to this day when I think about it.

 

 

One thing I will add is that I now understand the impact of an EA. If I start to see anything close to one develop between my wife and a guy she is talking to, I make sure to step in and end it fast, right there, before it has a change to blossom into a PA. Thats a mistake I made back then that I will prob never fully forgive myself for, even though it was her decision, I could have ended it before it happened if I knew what I know today.

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I'm not disagreeing with the psychological impact on you, as a man I understand how painful, hurtful, etc... that conjuring up can be. I had a high-school GF cheat on me and that's all that stuck in my head. I get that, but it faded over time and the emotional bond was gone so I moved onto someone else.

 

What I think you're overlooking is a relationship and its ability to be repaired is a two-way road. An EA IS NOT a High-School crush, it's not an infatuation, it's a rip-out and replace emotionally of the SO. In a pure PA with no emotional attachment it's probably the easiest to fix (not saying easy, just easiest/easier), the bond you have/had hasn't yet been replaced and so both parties, if willing, can make a concerted effort to overcome. In an EA that bond has been replaced by another person; for a woman this is significant. It requires a ton of work on both people to re-create that emotional bond in their M, and the WS has to except that the AP is hypothetically-dead and has to go through that grief. Otherwise you're living with someone who is in love with someone else, and just tending to you as a room-mate, or worse treating you like crap all the time because they resent you. The other thing about EAs is if not fully addressed and resolved they lie dormant, just read all the recent threads, a woman can hold onto an xAP/EA for years and if they reconnect it flares up all over again.

 

An EA+PA I'd say is the worst and hardest to deal with.

 

Coming from a woman who is in an EA, all of this is true. It's definitely not just a high school crush. The feelings and emotions are real, and intense.

 

Circular...sometimes I think that you can read my thoughts and feelings.

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I have a question. Do you think someone can have an affair that is not sexual in nature? Obviously a PA is sexual, but isn't an EA based on sexual attraction as well when you get right down to it?

 

Yes. My ex-wife was talking to and seeing a co-worker behind my back while we were having difficulties. I honestly dont believe that anything physical happened while we were married and she claimed and claimed that it was just a friend and she was only asking him advice. Guess who she has been dating on and off for the 3 years since our divorce?

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