Jump to content

emotional affair for 11 years


blueberry11

Recommended Posts

I am married for 12.5 years and are having an emotional affair for 11 years now... I met the man, let's name him AJ, 11 years ago at work. I was a newly wed at 22, he was a handsome, friendly young man out of school... I have noticed him around the building a few times and made nothing of it. But, the one day, he passed me in die corridor and gave me the sexiest smile i've ever seen. I melted. One thing led to another, and we started emailing each other, then texting... after a few months, my husband found out and after a seperation and counciling, we patched things up and moved on. But AJ remained in the picture. I shared everything with him, we actually saw each other as bff's. We could be open and honest about everything without judgement or resentment. He knew about my feelings for him, and I knew about his feelings for me and accepted that its a no go.

About 6 years ago, he resigned and started work in another part of the city. We still kept in contact - not as frequently, but once in a while we would email each other. At one stage, we actually lost touch completely. But still, he was the first person I thought of when I woke up and the last when I went to sleep.

One day, out of the blue, he pitched at work and we started took of where we left of.

We started to be more open about our feelings for each other, and started to see each other more frequently. I would go to his house while his girlfriend is visiting her family and we would really just talk - no kissing, touching or any physical contact. Although, I would have loved to be taken in his arms and feel his lips...

This actually happened for the first time in 11 years, about a month ago. He wanted me to see his newly built house. After going through the whole house, oe-ing and aah-ing, he gave me one look and took me in his arms and kissed me. I thought I went to heaven. If I didn't draw back, I'm sure more would have happened.

We texted each other after the incident and we were in agreement that this is the beginning of more...

In the meantime, my husband found the last text messages we sent and confronted me. Well, we've been seperated for a week but are back together again. My husband is willing to give me another change, more for the sake of our 6 year old daughter, but at least.

I love my husband, we worked through 11 years of issues at the beginning of this year. Things such as his verbal abuse, etc. Things were really looking up for us. And now this...

I told AJ about what happened and he encouraged me to patch things up with my husband.

AJ is in a longtime relationship with a girl, he says, he does not love, but for technical reasons cannot leave. Whatever that may be...

I am trying my best to concentrate on my marriage and making it work, but how do I do it, if it feels that my heart is torn in two.

I am in no way blaming my husband for my doings. I am the person who made the choice and I am taking responsiblity. I just want to feel better! I am constantly depressed and have this mixed emotions.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You obviously don't love your H, as much as your lover, it comes out in every sentence you write----BUT------if nothing else, end this A. once and for all, FOR YOUR DAUGHTER---or do you think she is a POS, also, considering that is what you think of your H.

 

When you go outside a mge, and give yourself to another, what you are telling your family is, that you think they are less than nothing, for 11 yrs, your focus has been on a lover, and not on your mge.

 

If you can't stay away from your lover than D. your H.---but one way or the other get things right for your daughter, she doesn't deserve the crap you are putting/going to put, her thru.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your marriage is a lie. Sadly for your husband, you've turned to someone else for your emotional needs and it's obvious that you're not "in love" with your husband, bonding with him..Instead you're bonding with the OM, lusting after him, making him your number one.

 

Please divorce your husband so he can find love with someone who won't lie to him, who will only love him. He doesn't deserve this treatment by you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How would you feel if your husband has been doing to you what you have been doing to him? Give your husband a break and divorce him so he can find someone else who can love him since you do not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Your marriage is a lie. Sadly for your husband, you've turned to someone else for your emotional needs and it's obvious that you're not "in love" with your husband, bonding with him..Instead you're bonding with the OM, lusting after him, making him your number one.

 

Please divorce your husband so he can find love with someone who won't lie to him, who will only love him. He doesn't deserve this treatment by you.

 

Agreed.

 

You've invested so much emotional energy into your OM. Like jnj said, it shows in almost every sentence. Give your loyal husband the divorce that he needs because you don't deserve him. He deserves to be married to a woman who loves him and only him. Then you can go off with your OM and see that he actually has faults after all and he's not so perfect as you made him out to be. See how he is raising a child that isn't his own.

 

What part of your vows "forsake all others" did you not understand?

Edited by rowell2024
Link to post
Share on other sites
I am married for 12.5 years and are having an emotional affair for 11 years now... I met the man, let's name him AJ, 11 years ago at work. I was a newly wed at 22, he was a handsome, friendly young man out of school... I have noticed him around the building a few times and made nothing of it. But, the one day, he passed me in die corridor and gave me the sexiest smile i've ever seen. I melted. One thing led to another, and we started emailing each other, then texting... after a few months, my husband found out and after a seperation and counciling, we patched things up and moved on. But AJ remained in the picture. I shared everything with him, we actually saw each other as bff's. We could be open and honest about everything without judgement or resentment. He knew about my feelings for him, and I knew about his feelings for me and accepted that its a no go.

About 6 years ago, he resigned and started work in another part of the city. We still kept in contact - not as frequently, but once in a while we would email each other. At one stage, we actually lost touch completely. But still, he was the first person I thought of when I woke up and the last when I went to sleep.

One day, out of the blue, he pitched at work and we started took of where we left of.

We started to be more open about our feelings for each other, and started to see each other more frequently. I would go to his house while his girlfriend is visiting her family and we would really just talk - no kissing, touching or any physical contact. Although, I would have loved to be taken in his arms and feel his lips...

This actually happened for the first time in 11 years, about a month ago. He wanted me to see his newly built house. After going through the whole house, oe-ing and aah-ing, he gave me one look and took me in his arms and kissed me. I thought I went to heaven. If I didn't draw back, I'm sure more would have happened.

We texted each other after the incident and we were in agreement that this is the beginning of more...

In the meantime, my husband found the last text messages we sent and confronted me. Well, we've been seperated for a week but are back together again. My husband is willing to give me another change, more for the sake of our 6 year old daughter, but at least.

I love my husband, we worked through 11 years of issues at the beginning of this year. Things such as his verbal abuse, etc. Things were really looking up for us. And now this...

I told AJ about what happened and he encouraged me to patch things up with my husband.

AJ is in a longtime relationship with a girl, he says, he does not love, but for technical reasons cannot leave. Whatever that may be...

I am trying my best to concentrate on my marriage and making it work, but how do I do it, if it feels that my heart is torn in two.

I am in no way blaming my husband for my doings. I am the person who made the choice and I am taking responsiblity. I just want to feel better! I am constantly depressed and have this mixed emotions.

Of course, the right thing to do would be to never contact your AP again, and work on your marriage and keep your family together. Your husband seems to be the type to keep the marriage together regardless of your feelings for that man. However, from what you've posted, I don't believe you have it in you to drop this man from your life. You are in love with him, and it is not fair to your husband that you continue to stay married to him while being in love with somebody else. So do your husband a favor and leave him, so he can actually have a chance to find a woman who will love him and be there for him 100%, and not be pining away constantly for some other man.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Seems to me that you've got 3 painful options to choose from.

 

1. End your affair with OM, remove him from your life completely and totally, confess your affair to your H, and work out either rebuilding the marriage or ending it on it's own merits.

 

2. File for divorce.

 

3. Continue on with things as you have for the last 11 years with your marriage being a complete sham and your heart invested somewhere else.

 

Your first step is choosing one of these three options.

Link to post
Share on other sites
make me believe

God, I feel horrible for your husband. Your entire marriage has been a sham! How could you let him live a lie for 11 years? It's just cruel! You let him hang around and waste precious years of his life being married to somebody who was spending all of her emotional energy on another man. For ELEVEN YEARS! Do you even understand the magnitude of what you've done? Please just set your poor husband free and don't waste any more of his time. 11 years... ugh. It makes me sick.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You put yourself here now stand up and get yourself out of this crazy situation. You're asking us what you need to do and you have all the answers right in front of you. Staying with your family means giving up your OM period which I'm sure that you know deep down. For all intensive purposes you already made your choice you have been with someone else for over 11yrs. Your H sounds like a good soul to want to work things out with you the question is are you ready to stop yor madness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We started to be more open about our feelings for each other, and started to see each other more frequently. I would go to his house while his girlfriend is visiting her family and we would really just talk - no kissing, touching or any physical contact.

 

sorry, not buying it. I don't think you are going to convince anyone here that you had these attractions and feelings for each other for all those years and the minute his girlfriend is out of town, that you run over there......and nothing happened but talking.

 

that is beside the point as an emotional affair is bad enough.

 

 

We texted each other after the incident and we were in agreement that this is the beginning of more...

In the meantime, my husband found the last text messages we sent and confronted me. Well, we've been seperated for a week but are back together again. My husband is willing to give me another change, more for the sake of our 6 year old daughter, but at least.

 

so basically he is swallowing his pride and putting off his happiness for his daughter. Although staying for the kids, IMO, is not a good reason to stay with someone that betrayed their spouse, he is a good father and this is a HUGE sacrifice by him.

 

 

I love my husband

 

love should have kept you away from the other man, therefore you don't

 

 

we worked through 11 years of issues at the beginning of this year. Things such as his verbal abuse, etc.

 

so you are going to pin this on him?

 

 

I am in no way blaming my husband for my doings.

 

nah, you just felt the need to point out the verbal abuse as the problem that led you to cheating.:rolleyes:

 

 

I am the person who made the choice and I am taking responsiblity. I just want to feel better! I am constantly depressed and have this mixed emotions.

 

well, we could tell you to realize that your OM is a cheating dirtbag, therefore realizing he isn't worth any woman's time and help you realize you are better off with someone who would make huge sacrifices for you like your husband

 

but would you listen?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do your husband a favor and leave him.

 

and give him custody of his daughter as well. those cheated on shouldn't be the ones to lose their kids and be forced to see them every other weekend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Can't you find a different outlet for your creative writing exercises?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am married for 12.5 years and are having an emotional affair for 11 years now... I met the man, let's name him AJ, 11 years ago at work. I was a newly wed at 22, he was a handsome, friendly young man out of school... I have noticed him around the building a few times and made nothing of it. But, the one day, he passed me in die corridor and gave me the sexiest smile i've ever seen. I melted. One thing led to another, and we started emailing each other, then texting... after a few months, my husband found out and after a seperation and counciling, we patched things up and moved on. But AJ remained in the picture. I shared everything with him, we actually saw each other as bff's. We could be open and honest about everything without judgement or resentment. He knew about my feelings for him, and I knew about his feelings for me and accepted that its a no go.

About 6 years ago, he resigned and started work in another part of the city. We still kept in contact - not as frequently, but once in a while we would email each other. At one stage, we actually lost touch completely. But still, he was the first person I thought of when I woke up and the last when I went to sleep.

One day, out of the blue, he pitched at work and we started took of where we left of.

We started to be more open about our feelings for each other, and started to see each other more frequently. I would go to his house while his girlfriend is visiting her family and we would really just talk - no kissing, touching or any physical contact. Although, I would have loved to be taken in his arms and feel his lips...

This actually happened for the first time in 11 years, about a month ago. He wanted me to see his newly built house. After going through the whole house, oe-ing and aah-ing, he gave me one look and took me in his arms and kissed me. I thought I went to heaven. If I didn't draw back, I'm sure more would have happened.

We texted each other after the incident and we were in agreement that this is the beginning of more...

In the meantime, my husband found the last text messages we sent and confronted me. Well, we've been seperated for a week but are back together again. My husband is willing to give me another change, more for the sake of our 6 year old daughter, but at least.

I love my husband, we worked through 11 years of issues at the beginning of this year. Things such as his verbal abuse, etc. Things were really looking up for us. And now this...

I told AJ about what happened and he encouraged me to patch things up with my husband.

AJ is in a longtime relationship with a girl, he says, he does not love, but for technical reasons cannot leave. Whatever that may be...

I am trying my best to concentrate on my marriage and making it work, but how do I do it, if it feels that my heart is torn in two.

I am in no way blaming my husband for my doings. I am the person who made the choice and I am taking responsiblity. I just want to feel better! I am constantly depressed and have this mixed emotions.

 

What a difficult situation, and I realise how easily this could have happened to you, because I understand. I have a difficult relationship with my husband and long for just some understanding and interest. I am a bit angry with all the people who condemn you so easily because it is just so hard sometimes to not accept Love and care when you dont have it from anywhere, maybe you should just be really honest, or try counselling again I am my wits end having been unhappy for years...there is this lovely man in my life who I am trying to keep away from, but as I said before it is just so hard. And I am a Christian we all are, what do I do ? ?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can't you find a different outlet for your creative writing exercises?

 

There sure are a heckuva lot of 'aspiring writers' here, hey? *yawn*

Link to post
Share on other sites

What a difficult situation, and I realise how easily this could have happened to you, because I understand. I have a difficult relationship with my husband and long for just some understanding and interest. I am a bit angry with all the people who condemn you so easily because it is just so hard sometimes to not accept Love and care when you dont have it from anywhere, maybe you should just be really honest, or try counselling again I am my wits end having been unhappy for years...there is this lovely man in my life who I am trying to keep away from, but as I said before it is just so hard. And I am a Christian we all are, what do I do ? ?

 

Ummmm...why don't you leave your husband? Next, why don't you reevaluate your "lovely" man, who is so willing to mess with a married woman and 3rd, maybe you should talk to your pastor about what Christianity represents. It is not what you are doing. You have excuses for your behaviors, but the truth is, there is no excuse for betraying someone. YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE before that happens. Quit blaming him for YOUR behaviors. Now, tell me you have never been physical with this other man and tell me that because of that, it is OK. Cripes!!:sick:

Link to post
Share on other sites
You obviously don't love your H, as much as your lover, it comes out in every sentence you write----BUT------if nothing else, end this A. once and for all, FOR YOUR DAUGHTER---or do you think she is a POS, also, considering that is what you think of your H.

 

When you go outside a mge, and give yourself to another, what you are telling your family is, that you think they are less than nothing, for 11 yrs, your focus has been on a lover, and not on your mge.

 

If you can't stay away from your lover than D. your H.---but one way or the other get things right for your daughter, she doesn't deserve the crap you are putting/going to put, her thru.

 

I wish to challenge this motion a bit.

 

Her love life decisions (divorcing her husband to go with this other guy or staying with the husband while leaving the other guy for good) has very little to do with her daughter in my opinion.

 

In her whole story, no where did we learn if she's a bad parent or not. We learned that she's a bad wife, which is a completely different and distinct thing. Staying in a marriage "only for the sake of the children" is a bad idea, as that creates a frustration bomb in the house that's waiting to explode.

 

Children don't need miserable parents together. Children need happy parents to be there for them, regardless with whom each parent is with marriage/relationship wise. And if the parents (particularly the mother) is legitimately happy "love" wise, then more chances she'll be a happy, healthy, and more efficient mother. Of course this requires legit communication from the part of both parents to the child. That's the real test of a good parent........not the ability to stay in a marriage, but the ability to communicate to the children.

 

After reading her story, I'd say that she should divorce her husband ASAP. The man got cheated on. It's only fair to let the husband go and find a new woman who will love him like the way the OP obviously loves "AJ".

 

To the OP: Divorce your husband. It's the least you can do. Then fix yourself up for a while. If "AJ" loves you, he'll find you and sweep you off your feet. If not, then you may run into another man.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Agreed.

 

You've invested so much emotional energy into your OM. Like jnj said, it shows in almost every sentence. Give your loyal husband the divorce that he needs because you don't deserve him. He deserves to be married to a woman who loves him and only him.

 

I'll agree here. Very well said.

 

Then you can go off with your OM and see that he actually has faults after all and he's not so perfect as you made him out to be. See how he is raising a child that isn't his own.

 

What part of your vows "forsake all others" did you not understand?

 

What if this OM really is the love of her life and what if he really does make her happy???

 

To dismiss him right away is not good idea. She has feelings for him. We don't know if it'll go good or bad. Maybe you're right and he's a scumbag. Maybe you're wrong, and he's the man of her dreams after all. We have no way of finding out. It's not wise to conclude so quickly.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...