locogurl Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 I'm trying to figuire out why my husband brings up little interactions he has with other women, that I don't know about, about a month afterwards. Usually it's not anything I should worry about... like tuning a guitar at the music store. The thing that bothers me is that he brings it up a month later - and why at all. I don't expect a run down of every minuite of his life. So what if some one whistled at him? Or he talked to a girl? It's that he doesn't tell me for a month that bugs me. He has had a real affair over the internet and I have felt like I couldn't trust him for a long time. But usually I try to give him the benefit of doubt now, years later. So why does he do this when he knows he's messed with my head like that? Especailly if he doesn't have any reason to tell me, if it was really nothing, then what's going on? He's always complaining I'm too insecure. However I don't see it. Maybe I am. He however keep this spark of mistrust alive when he does this. Before - He use to do this about his daughter, he'd endulge her, she's somewhat spoiled because of this, then a week/month later tell me about it. Like he'd take her to lunch after I told the other kids we weren't going to do that. Or he'd buy her an extra exspensive gift... Of course then if I thought he was being unfair to the other kids, I was a bad guy... But noe she's grown he does this new thing. It's got to be related. In all cases I try not to have any reaction anymore. I keep hope he'll get tired of this game if I don't give him any reaction... Maybe I'm not handling this right? I have tried to talk to him about this, but all he can do is blame me and my "insecurities" and says he can't be himself or have any interactions unless I approve them first, which is totally crap. Anyone got any ideas? Guys - Got any insight? Locogurl Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 There are trust issues in your relationship, and he isn't helping them at all. He doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt in my opinion, as he's victimizing you. Even if he's not cheating on you now, he's terrorizing you on purpose by messing with your head like that. I could tell when you said, "He's always complaining I'm too insecure." You have every right to be insecure with the way he's treating you. My advice is to talk to him directly, and don't take his crap about your insecurities--the issue is with him, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 In addition, it's not whether he's hiding something from you that's important, it's whether you feel that way, and it needs to be addressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author locogurl Posted December 12, 2003 Author Share Posted December 12, 2003 Thanks, I hadn't looked at it that way before. I was beginning to believe that I really had the problem & not him. I'll have to figuire out how to talk to him about it... again... Locogurl:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
ca Posted December 17, 2003 Share Posted December 17, 2003 Your husband seems to be of the type who enjoys his privacy and doenst want you to be really a part of it and worry about insecurity problems. In the same time, because of the past references to an affair online, he seems to be a little insecure himself about where he stands with u, however he isnt dealing it very well ! It would be so much better if he would start a dialogue with you, and you boith could get things cleared up. See, i know even my husband to a great extent is like him, though he "enjoys" talking about his interactions with pretty young women all the time ( does get to my nerve at times, esp.. if its in excess!!) , and then, whn they get the faint idea, you are not gonna handle it very well , they start being secretive, and start hiding things.. deleting calls. even though there may not be any good reason to do so! I wish such men could get more serious and real about their marraiges, and decide what they want !! transperancies in marraige, or a marraige filled with stress of hiding things and formal conversations.... Best to keep an alert eye, and encourage him , to have more dialogues wit you, in the best possible way.. that way someday he mite come out wit his own insecurites.. who knows!! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted December 17, 2003 Share Posted December 17, 2003 Sounds like he's boosting his ego at your expense. If these little incidents really happened a month in the past every time he tells you about one, it's like he knows no one remembers or cares or is impressed so he tells YOU about in order to relive it - because it boosted his ego at the time so he wants that little thrill again - AND because he knows he's bothering you, which is another ego boost. When he reminds you that you're insecure, he's just reinforcing it to himself so he can feel better about himself. Wanting to feel good about yourself is fine, but not when he has to hurt you to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 17, 2003 Share Posted December 17, 2003 You know Loco....I worked with a guy who was like that. He was always telling us at lunch how all the women around where he lived coming onto him. Then, come to find out, he told his wife about all the women at work who came onto him. The truth is....NO ONE was coming onto him. There was a time he was a fairly big deal in the music industry (in the 70's) and at that time....NO DOUBT he had some women after him. Now, he's close to retirement age and does not have a bevy of groupies...or anyone else after him. So, I never figured out if he was dilusional or if he just wanted to convince everyone he still had it. I wonder if your husband tells you things after the fact...(like his net affair)...just to convince you and himself that he still is sexy and women want him. Maybe the insecurity is all his. Just a thought...... Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 my husband used to do that and they only do that because they are very insecure....because the girls he would tell me about were extra nasty ugly...you know, the kind that when she passes by your male friends and other men they laugh saying "look at her ugly butt...and she got the nerve to think guys actually like her!" So it use to bother me because I was ashamed that such ugly women were talking to him.....so after a while I caught on and when ever he would open his mouth I would say "oh, that one....yeah, the ugly one, right? Okay, thats cool then...." and then I would laugh and change the conversation and act like I completely forgot that he even mentioned it....he stopped that REALLY QUICKLY! Just ignore him....works wonders to let him know that that kind of thing does not bother you one bit. Link to post Share on other sites
brenbren Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Look just recently i was really insecure with my relationship with hubby still am but what it is if a attractive, younger girl is paying alot of attention to him he is going to feel flattered and it makes him realise he still has sex appeal. My attention has been on my children under five. I love my hubby to death so bad I freaked out completely with rage and hit him once with a mop just thinking that he would possibly flirt with ANOTHER woman. I now think if he does anything more than he's in trouble with me and himself. I know in my heart that I am honest, loyal and would not betray. Just try and find your confidence and let him have his little fantasy. If he takes it further than thats life. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I love my hubby to death so bad I freaked out completely with rage and hit him once with a mop just thinking that he would possibly flirt with ANOTHER woman LMAO... a mop? -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Patterns, patterns, all relationships have them. With your husband, I suspect he is acting passive aggressively with you. The past affair and spoiling of your daughter are behaviors that he knows that you oppose. In spite of your wishes, he does them, conceals them and then tells you later. There's a triple insult: first, he does that which you told him not to do (or you both agreed); second, he conceals this misconduct; third, he throws it in your face much later. Sometimes a pattern of time -delayed confessions can be a form of hostility. I wonder if he still resents you for stopping his cyberaffair, and if this isn't a form of payback? Whatever, he has found a nerve and is pressing there. Tell him to stop being so damn passive aggressive and hostile. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts