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just been betrayed ,totally in pieces


08roadrunner

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08roadrunner

hi everyone ,glad i found this site ,need a bit of advise ,

i have been with the same girl for 25 years ,married for last 3 years,

we have an 18 son , last year my wife went on a degree course which was to do with her work ,she started staying out with the girls on the course evey time they had finished uni , then would ring at 2 in the morning to say she was staying at one of the girls houses which i had no reason to doubt ,arround the end of last year she started getting cold on me and finding fault in everything i did , she started putting on some weight and said she was depressed due to the pressure of the course plus work and was always out with work mates at all hours drinking ,she became more distant and i week after our sons 18 birthday she told me she was not happy ,that since going out with the peaple on her course it had opened her eyes to what she was missing and would prefer to be single , well i was shocked and deverstated ,she said there was no one else it was just she had got to a point in her life that she needed something else ( she is 41 i am 51 ) she stayed at the house i ended up on her mothers sofa , we were sepperated for arround a month then she said she would give it another go

and we aggreed we would have to go out more together and do things we could both enjoy ,so we had some good breaks together ,went on holiday to spain with my best man and his wife ( her best friend ) all seemed fine

then about one week after the trip she said she was going out for a drink with work mates as someone was leaving ,she stayed out that night ,the next day she went to her mothers and stayed there that night ,the next day i came home from work and she was distant again ,i said lets go out tonight for a meal ,she said she was not feeling to good ,so i thought we would just enjoy the evening together with a bottle of wine and a movie,

my son was going out that night so i droped him off and when i came in she was looking nervous ,i asked her what was wrong ,then she dropped the bombshell ,she was lewaving me for good ,she couldent bury her head in the sand anymore ,she loved me ,but not in that way anymore ?

i was tottally shocked ,i asked why and she said she had been seeing someone when at university , but it had stoped but they had recently been seeing each other again , she left , i have been in a depresion since ,this was 5 weeks ago ,i have had one text from her in that timed saying how this was the hardest thing she had ever had to do ,she was really sorry ,she hoped time can mend ,i was a good man and deseverd better , i have been to the doctor who has given me sleeping pills as i could not sleep for the first two weeks , i dont know what to do , it has just ripped my world appart , in have not contacted her as i dont know vwhat to say ,and to be honest im probally putting it off as i dread what she has to say ,whats next ,divorce ? she has told my son it is something that happens everyday , she told him he had met the guy a couple of times whilst out at uni ,she told him he was one of her lectures at uni who had been in pieces as his wife had cheated on him and they were going through a messy divorce , which they confided in each other and then it just happend ( ironicly now i have his pain and suffering ! ) i really dont want to loose my wife , i still love her with all my heart but looks like she has fallen for this divorcee ,she is staying at her mothers house at the momment , but i have been told she still gos out and stays out a couple of times a week, i feel like everything is just spiraling out of control , really any advise would be appriciated

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I'm very sorry for your pain.

 

I'm sure other posters who are married and have been in your situation would be more fit to offer you good advice.

 

But all I can tell you is don't beg her to stay, don't plead and guilt her, don't do any of that, because it comes off as neediness and weakness.

 

Its much better to show that you value yourself and that what she's done to you is unacceptable, and just let her go - From what I hear, a lot of them come back when that's done and THEY plead for a 2nd chance. Then its up to YOU to decide if you want to work things out.

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Looks like she has made your decision for you----get a good atty, and put all marital finances in your name---cut off all her CC's

 

Contact the University, tell them you intend to pursue action agst, them, and the lover---teachers, are NOT SPOSE TO BE MESSING WITH STUDENTS, when they are actually teaching them.

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Woman In Blue

I'm so sorry Roadrunner. I can feel your pain in each word you typed. You don't deserve what happened to you and it's not your fault that any of it happened.

 

I do believe, however, that your wife's divorcing "boyfriend" is in NO condition to take on another fulltime, committed relationship and this thing is going to blow up in your wife's face. Obviously, the guy was distraught about losing his wife and your wife decided to be an 'angel' and make it all go away for him. Boy, is this cliche and boy, is she going to have a long, far fall from grace when the guy gets his wits about him and comes back to reality.

 

I hope at that point you slam the door in her face when she comes sniffing around hoping you'll take her back. Don't be her "Plan B." Get your financial ducks in a row and lawyer up NOW.

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With all the sympathy I have for your and I know this is hurting very much I am going to tell you that you have to let her go, I know you may not want to hear this right now and you are still emotionally connected to her but the only way that you can heal from something like that is by letting her go.

 

She is in fantasy land at the moment, as much as it will hurt to hear what I say, you cannot compete with a fantasy, you have no chance, you will never measure up to the new "excitement" that she is having at this moment and IMHO there is no chance for her to stay no matter what you are going to do as she is in the affair "Fog" or LA LA Land

 

Read this

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t294064/

 

it will make sense to you

 

This IMHO is the only way that you may have a remote chance to get her back but with all honesty you need to do that for yourself and not for getting her back

 

Stay strong

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Hi Roadrunner, This is such a common thing, I have seen and heard of countless people who do something new and want change. I remember some years ago doing my degree course and having a whole new world open up for me and meeting new people, my H felt shut out and I hadn't meant to shut him out it was just that I was doing something for me and discovering a part of me I hadn't discovered before. I realised that I was only able to do my degree because my H had supported me to do so, it was incredibly selfish of me, no I didn't have an A or anything, but the distancing I understand, but don't condone. I say this to try and help you to realise that this is nothing to do with what you could or chould have done, it is about your W. It doesn't lessen the pain, hurt or confusion any the less, but I hope you aren't thinking what if I had done ......

 

TBH, if it were me, I would say, OK, what next, I would mention the possibility of divorce, even though your heart rails against it, to not do so just makes it comfortable for her to carry on. I would also let her know that seeing someone else while married to you is obviously not on and that you both now need to look at what next. Try being calm, try to not beg or any of that, it will only help her to harden her heart, it doesn't work, what does work is for her to see that her actions have consequences and that you are a person who too can have the chance to move on, even though it isn't what you want at this moment. I would also, if this is what you want and it is possible, work out what you both need to do to reconcile your marriage.

 

I am so sorry for your hurt, I remember so well the physical pain of finding out about an A, the early weeks are sheer hell and I imagine you are picking yourself apart, this stops at some point and the practicalities kick in. This allows you to take control over what next, because this will have to be thought about. Have a plan, then ask to meet her and try (tis hard) to not go over the why's but on the what next, it can often give a huge dose of clarity to someone, or it can be the end of your marriage, either way, you are in charge of your future. I wish you well xx

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Roadrunner, so sorry for your hurt and pain. Like others, I think it would be good to move towards divorce, even though you really want your W back. As long as your W has any idea you are just hurting and maybe waiting, she can still think of you as a fallback. Your W may already be gone and there may not be anything you can do, but by moving to divorce, she at least then has to recognize the consequences and that she is losing you, and if some part of her is not completely gone, that could get her to think some more. If not, I think she is gone anyway.

 

It is ironic that she says she fell in love after supporting another man through a painful betrayal and here you are, suffering the same fate because of her actions. Life can be so unfair and people who cheat can hurt those who love them so deeply. Take care of yourself and I hope you can take some action toward getting out of this waiting position and either have your W rethink or start to really heal.

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08roadrunner

:(thank you all for your advise and suport ,everything you all have to say makes kinda sense one way or the other ,i quess my problem is faceing up to the inevertable ,we have had no contact in 5 weeks , i suppose she is hopepig i will just come arrou nd to her way of thinking , if only i could , if incoul only just become cold and indiverant , how much easier my life would be ,but hello ,before all this sxxxt hit the fan there was no fights ,arguments any crap that that would make someone want to leave,only the usely things like we need to spend more time together,which we were doing ,thought things were getting better in the right direction ,but then bam ,now its like i never exited ,it hurts so much ,i feel now i am just a sad old man ,and this is the fucxxn end of my family life, i am self employerd ,my brother works with me but dont drive ,so if i dont work he dont work ,i feel like just runninig of of and hiding awaybfrom thev whole load of shxt ,but i know it will still be there when iget back so wont make much differce , ( i am a virgo ) i am really in a bad place at the m0mment ,cant see the wood from the trees, work and all else is being affected , thank god for my brother ,has only been home 3 days in the last 5 weeks k,he is away this weekend so i need to sort out somthing to do , isit just me but you know before this happens your so self convident ,but when it all gos tits up every thinkg seems so much much more harder4 ,moere difficult ,but youb are tottallyb aware of it ,but cant change how you feel even though you know its a reaction to a shock ,there gos my virgo mind again , to every one who has posted messages to my post ,thank you ,so much appriciated , love to you all ,and sorry about my spelling mistakes ,yes ive had a few beers, but i know when things arent right ,( ok im crap at spelling! )

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im very sorry for your pain. i do understand you. I understand because i also am experiencing pian. Not the same as yours because mine has cheated on me several times. just cronic. i know the marriage of 13 yrs (anniversery was two days ago, ouch) has died but i am not running to the judge just yet.....and i dnt think you should run there soon as well.

 

your not in any mental state to play the divorce game. you know she is there, you know what she is doing. whats the rush? i think instead of running to end your marriage you need to seek counceling. FOR YOURSELF...NOT THE MARRIAGE. once you get your feet back on the ground and u see the light of day and are able to think clearly, then u can (with the help of your theripist) figure out whats best for you. but you are in no way ready to put divorce papers in her hands. your a mental mess right now and you need to seek help for it. talking to someone helps. they will guide you. if u cant afford one there are places who offer discounts.

 

as for your wife, she is a rebound girfriend. and they never last. also he is new and this newness is exciting for her. as my husband said about his last affair (lol he had manny girls just this one turned into an affair with him proposing to her within two weeks! lol and promising her he would divorce me) ...he said about this affair it was INTENSE....he had such intense feeling for her in the start of the relationship. he was wrapped up in it. he felt loved and reborn. .......once she agreed to marry him a few months later that intense feeling had stopped and he felt bad about backing out of the so called engagment and strung her along. he did end it after a time but i learned of it.

 

my point is she is a rebound girlfriend and she feels very strong feelings because it is new. once reality hits she may well want to come home......and i have a feeling you may want this. but if and when she does...........dont just take her back. make sure u make changes and talk about this. dont do what i did. i at first just wanted things back to normal. i took him back and just went on with life. and he ended up doing it again.........and again........and again.....and again.........lol till i look back and question why was i so weak?

remember this is a huge IF. she may not come home so dont go n with your life waiting. seek help in counceling to help you get your feet back on the ground. good luck

Edited by teacher1994
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Roadrunner, I see you are in the UK and don't think that for many of us brits the first thought would be for counselling and therapy, but Relate have a confidential telephone service if you don't feel you can talk to anyone face to face. Although, talking to a stranger might really help - suppose LS is also an outlet. I would also speak to your GP, I took anti depressants to help me get over the first few weeks after H's affair , try to lay off the booze. Can you not go on the sick with stress for a few weeks while you get your head together? Although being busy does help. Keep posting, write in a journal all that you are thinking, it helps to get it out but put it aside afterwards. Get out to the gym, take the dog for a walk anything than sitting in the house thinking. Take care x

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sadcalifornian

It sounds like she is gone for good. You must try to detach and move on. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Some women are brutal to leave H as soon as their children grow old enough. They are just selfish not caring what this does to their H at such late age where you find it difficult to find another relationship.

 

She is not worth your iota of thought at this point. Just find yourself a lawyer and move on. Also, expose this to everyone around you, so at least she cannot justify her action blaming you in all this. Protect your reputation and integrity at least. My XWW did exactly that. She badmouthed me to everyone she knows.

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File for a divorce dude. This just happened 5 weeks ago and I know you are hurting, believe me, I know. But, she's right, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! And I think that this professor is full of crap. He's "supposedly" divorced and yet when your wife left, she's sleeping on her mothers couch. Why wouldn't she be staying with him? The new love of her life? I mean, she left you to BE with him, so why isn't she WITH him. I would do some checking and see if he's ACTUALLY divorced.

 

I'm a college professor and I can tell you there are huge policies about professor's dating students. BIG NO NO!!! I would go to the University's HR department and inform them that Professor Douche Rocket has been having an inappropriate relationship with your wife that happens to be a student there.

 

What does your son think of all this, what about her mother?

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08roadrunner

got a text to say she had been arround and was walking rhe dogs ,she thought it was time we spoke and would that be ok or not ? i started shaking uncontrolably and didnt want to go home , text back and said was not ready even though i knew what was coming ,but hey ,i do forgive her fior what she had done ,text back was ,dont want/deserve ur forgivness ,wehen u feel the time is right let me know,just hope one day we can be friends , i reply ,25 years and now friends ?if u was feeling so bad why u still seeing him ?that says it all ,i knew when i woke up today it was going to be a bad day ,just feel **** every day , i really wish this would all end hope u get what u want in life ,sorry icouldent be a part of it , miss u loads , no reply , got back to house ,shes still out with dogs ,5 mins later she came back ,i start shaking uncontrollaly and walk out of house ,went down pub , 25 mins later saw her drive past ,looked straight on ,like i was not there ,brother came over 10 mins latewr and said she was still cold ,said we had drifted appert and she no longer loved me , he asked if she was bang loved up with this guy ,she would not answer , just left and said she would never se me on the steets , oh fxxk, my worst night mare has come true , thinking of checking out tonight ,thanks to you all for all your thoughts ,what do,s my son think of all this ,well she is buying him everything he wants ,cloths ,just bought him tickets for a 3 day festival so he is really unconserned from what i can see , oh god ,how did it ever come to this ? just want to get away from this pain ,one minite it was there ,now she is like4 a woman who has blinkers on ,she only can see what she wants ,i dont come inton it anymore , sad but true , love to u all , x

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dude, DO NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID!!!! Go see your doctor RIGHT NOW!!!!! She's not worth this kind of pain your going through! GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM NOW!!!!!

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08roadrunner
File for a divorce dude. This just happened 5 weeks ago and I know you are hurting, believe me, I know. But, she's right, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! And I think that this professor is full of crap. He's "supposedly" divorced and yet when your wife left, she's sleeping on her mothers couch. Why wouldn't she be staying with him? The new love of her life? I mean, she left you to BE with him, so why isn't she WITH him. I would do some checking and see if he's ACTUALLY divorced.

 

I'm a college professor and I can tell you there are huge policies about professor's dating students. BIG NO NO!!! I would go to the University's HR department and inform them that Professor Douche Rocket has been having an inappropriate relationship with your wife that happens to be a student there.

 

What does your son think of all this, what about her mother?

 

dont know his name ,just his age 47 , would only look like sour grapes and push them togheter more ,what do,s her moter think ? afent spoken to her but she is a close spanish family andr tightly so will always be there for her daughter ,god i hope so ,also for my son ,what he tinks is iys all **** but cant change how sge feels ,they are alltelling him its ok ,this sort of thingbhappens everydayb,dad will meet someine and we,ll all br friends ,wow ,i really dont see any option right now ,time to check out

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Dude, seriously. No girl is worth hurting yourself over. Please, please go get some help. Get someone to take you to the emergency room immediately!

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Find out who her boyfriend is roadrunner.

Find out if he is really divorced.

 

At the very least this will give you something to do, do you really just want to roll over after 25 years?

 

Stand up man because this could possibly end way better than it seems it will right now.

 

You have to get pro-active.

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Roadrunner, this is the number for Samaritans, 08457 90 90 90 ring them, talk and talk to them, get it all out, they will listen and be on the phone for as long as you need them to be. I suspect you are drinking and that, while numbing the pain, also stops you being able to think clearly, which is probably what you are looking for anyway. Right now, this very minute you have the opportunity to be in control of the rest of your life, you have a son, family who care about you and when you have processed all that is going on, you will be able to move on. it will not feel like that right now, but I promise you that you can get through this.

 

Tomorrow morning, make an appointment with your GP, speak to him or her, get help for you are obviously in a very dark place right now and may need some help to see that there is a solution to all this. There is nothing to be ashamed of when you are a BS, nothing at all. If your wife is not coming back then you will need to think about what next, yes it is painful and crap and not your fault, but if it is going to happen then make sure that you have control over what happens to you.

 

A's, all A's are crap and cause such godawful pain, but as you will see from LS we have all been where you are at some point, some of us stayed and were able to reconcile, but some of us divorced and began a new life. My point is, that at some point each of us BS have felt like we were sitting at the bottom of a deep, dark place with no light. The first step is to get up off the floor and resolve to not get back down there and begin the slow and often painful journey out of it. Samaritans, Relate, GP, you have choices, you have support and you can and will get through this.

 

Let us know you are OK, we will all try to support you while you go through this. Take very good care of you. Seren x

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got a text to say she had been arround and was walking rhe dogs ,she thought it was time we spoke and would that be ok or not ? i started shaking uncontrolably and didnt want to go home , text back and said was not ready even though i knew what was coming ,but hey ,i do forgive her fior what she had done ,text back was ,dont want/deserve ur forgivness ,wehen u feel the time is right let me know,just hope one day we can be friends , i reply ,25 years and now friends ?if u was feeling so bad why u still seeing him ?that says it all ,i knew when i woke up today it was going to be a bad day ,just feel **** every day , i really wish this would all end hope u get what u want in life ,sorry icouldent be a part of it , miss u loads , no reply , got back to house ,shes still out with dogs ,5 mins later she came back ,i start shaking uncontrollaly and walk out of house ,went down pub , 25 mins later saw her drive past ,looked straight on ,like i was not there ,brother came over 10 mins latewr and said she was still cold ,said we had drifted appert and she no longer loved me , he asked if she was bang loved up with this guy ,she would not answer , just left and said she would never se me on the steets , oh fxxk, my worst night mare has come true , thinking of checking out tonight ,thanks to you all for all your thoughts ,what do,s my son think of all this ,well she is buying him everything he wants ,cloths ,just bought him tickets for a 3 day festival so he is really unconserned from what i can see , oh god ,how did it ever come to this ? just want to get away from this pain ,one minite it was there ,now she is like4 a woman who has blinkers on ,she only can see what she wants ,i dont come inton it anymore , sad but true , love to u all , x

 

Ignore all of her f'ing texts!!!!

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dont know his name ,just his age 47 , would only look like sour grapes and push them togheter more ,what do,s her moter think ? afent spoken to her but she is a close spanish family andr tightly so will always be there for her daughter ,god i hope so ,also for my son ,what he tinks is iys all **** but cant change how sge feels ,they are alltelling him its ok ,this sort of thingbhappens everydayb,dad will meet someine and we,ll all br friends ,wow ,i really dont see any option right now ,time to check out

 

I think you need to expse this d*ck to his wife, all this divorcee stuff is just BS

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visualbasicide

the best thing you can do man is go see a doctor, and then go see a lawyer. I know what it feels like man, hurts to breath, hurts to do anything at all. It will pass. The early stages are the worst of it. Don't drink either, solves nothing.

 

If she cared more about her son than she did about herself she wouldn't be buying his attention away from what she's done. He's old enough to make his own mind up about things but just because people do things everyday doesn't make it right.

 

Go see a doctor, seriously. Counselor, both? You can make it through this. Try to surround yourself with friends and family you trust right now too. Don't let her be the first to file. I went through a similar experience and all I could do was hold on until the worst had passed. You probably aren't going to feel like eating, pick up some vitamins to help keep your body in check.

 

Start writing down everything you feel when you get home. As long as it takes. 5 minutes or 5 hours. When I first started I would write pages and pages, now I only write a page or so a week.

 

Don't use your son as a spy. He will probably resent it. I know you have a million questions and zero answers and nothings makes sense, it is normal, it will pass.

 

Talking to a counselor will help, or if you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself go to the hospital right now, you don't have to face this alone, no one should.

 

Show your son what a real man is like and push on. I think he needs a positive example. When you can't be strong, you have to be brave. Come talk to us, we will listen and answer you as much as you need my friend.

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hi everyone

woke up this morning in casulty ,stupidly od on sleeping pills , cant remember much else , my brother found me and called the hostptal ,feel like a real fool now , i can remember the wife being there at some point , but she was trying to tell me it would all be ok when i found another woman and we could be friends ! my brother spoke to her but she was still cold and saying its over ,he needs to get that and we need to talk ,she said to him she would never see me on the steets ! she is so wraped up in this guy nothing else seems to matter ,she is a different person ,when i look at her its like there is just pity and i am just in her way for her future happness , sorry if a worried anyone with my posts yesterday ,just felt trapped ,like it was a last resort ,to be honest i probally hoped she would see what her actions at pushed me to ,but it was false hope ,won,t do that again , just had some guy come round from the hostptal to talk to me ,he wants me to go see someone at the mental healh dept tommorow ,

to start taking anti deppresants ,god has it come to this ? thanks everyone for being there ,it means a lot ,all my other friends seem to be avoiding my calls ,i suppose it is easier than getting into a converstion

about somthing they cant change ,i can understand that .

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sadcalifornian

You must detach your feeling to your W. She is not your W anymore, reglardless of whether you filed D or not. It's over. You must move on. Even if she comes back now, it will never be the same. She will never be the W she once was. Trust me.

 

When WW checks out of M, oftentimes they turn so cold and heartless, you wouldn't believe it. Honestly, even if you manages to end your life, she may shed a few tears, but after that, she would live on as if nothing happened. I have seen it with my own eyes, and also I hear similar horror stories again and again. My wife's boss shot himself in the head after finding out his W was seeing a young blond boy toy. You know what? As soon as the funeral is over, she sold the H's company and was seen driving around town in her red convertible with him, all happy and giggly. I am sure it was the same guy.

 

Stop being such a romanticist and try to live in the real world. Don't even try to hate her; she is not worth any space in your heart. Just erase her from your memory and move on. You are not the only one this happened to, but millions of others. Please get a grip on yourself.

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Hi RR, sorry you ended up taking an OD, glad you were found and are now going to have some support. Take it, take every bit of support you are offered and yes to anti depressants, they will act as an emotional crutch until you are strong enough to not need them. Think of it as a temporary band aid for the mind and soul. Why should your wife think you would be on the street? First off, do not leave your house, you need to make sure you are looking after you, boundaries will help that.

 

The mental health services will provide an outlet for you to talk and to have some support while you are in this dark place, it will pass, it might not seem like it at present, but it will. I know it is painful for you to think about this, but it seems like your wife has no intention of coming back to you, so now you need to begin to process that. What was, no longer is, but there can be a new start although the most important thing is to get strong mentally and emotionally. Little steps, protect your self RR, try not to lose yourself or to blame yourself for the A, no matter what has happened in your marriage, you did nothing to provoke her to have an A, that was her choice. To have no control over something that hurts so much is dammed hard, which is an understatement, but it is what it is. Now begin to take control over what is to come. I hope you continue to post and that you take all the help that is offered IRL. Take very good care and no more trips to the ER. Seren x

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