Is it normal to relapse after husband's EA with coworker?

[mv6458]

I have posted previously about my situation under Husband's EA with coworker. But for those of you who do not know my story I discovered in Feburary that my husband was having an EA with a coworker. I left him for a brief period but we are currently trying to reconcile. Things have been really good the last few weeks as far as I can tell. He has become transparent in his electronic communications, more affectionate toward me and our children, home more frequently, spending quality time with us and just seems much more committed to our marriage. His verbal communications with me have changed for the better too; he's not so angry and doesn't say things to hurt me like he did after the discovery of his EA. However, this past week I have noticed a slight change in him and he is not showing as much affection toward me. So I asked if something were bothering him and explained my concern to him. And it was as if we were right back in Feburary when I discovered the EA. He got angry and said to me that I am pushing him away by questionning him. I told him that I am not threatened by that at all. And if he wants to have her bc he is unhappy then go get her. I can't control his actions and I won't be a doormat. I made it clear if he makes that choice there will not be another chance to reconcile with me. But the part that makes me angry is I have really been trying not to bring up the EA or question him about details. I do expect him to be honest with me now about his communications and have told him transparency is the only way I will start to rebuild trust and he says he understands that. So why when I have a concern does he get angry like this? Anyone have experience in this area that can say if this is normal or not?

[analystfromhell]

My wife VERY much gets the same way- she's very sensitive and not forthcoming about what's going on with the OH and pushes off questions about him. I have been reserving this events for further discussion at the MC and hope to get some answers there.

 

In the meanwhile I've come to the conclusion that part of it is me- I've been enabling her by working way to hard at reconciliation when it seems to me that the wayward spouse should be the one doing the majority of the work.

 

In my experience what you've experienced is "normal" and I find it disturbing to deal with. It's definitely not helping reconciliation.

[reboot]

It's pretty common for the WS to just want to sweep everything under the rug. Don't let him.

[John Michael Kane]

It's pretty common for the WS to just want to sweep everything under the rug. Don't let him.

 

It's not just common, it's in all cheaters.

[reboot]

It's not just common, it's in all cheaters.

 

Sweeping generalizations are so helpful after all.

[John Michael Kane]

Sweeping generalizations are so helpful after all.

 

That's not a sweeping generalization.

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually I have a different idea. Instead of questioning etc. Pull back for a week or so. Spend time with yourself and be unavailable for a bit.

 

Fold up some clothes into boxes or put some decorations away. Say nothing. At all.

 

Be friendly, cheerful and so forth.

 

Just do this for a week and see what happens.

 

Don't push him for an answer or to talk about the relationship. Just do what he is not expecting (and will be slow to pick up on).

 

Guys that are not upfront tend to get the idea.

 

From reading your OP, you seemed to be experiencing (right from the first t

couple of sentences btw), the same thing I had, you know that they aren't as present with you. Whatever he is doing to distract himself, you are an easy target to blameshift too.

 

Men in general are very sensitive to shaming and can emotionally "short-circuit" rather quickly. You won't get anything out of him at that point and questioning him in any form is only going to bring aggravation.

 

I am not saying that it is right or that he shouldn't answer questions. What is being said is that right now he is going to dodge them and feed you bullcrap about how you are nagging him or whatever. Give him no excuse. He'll get the clue. 90% chance he will.

[Owl]

So has he told you point blank that he regrets his EA with OW, and that he wants to rebuild and reconcile the marriage?

 

If so...then set the situation straight with him. He discloses EVERYTHING...with no anger or issue. If he can't do that...then he can see his way the heck out.

 

Make it clear that you will NOT accept him trying to dodge a question or deflect you by being angry when asked a question.

 

Set a boundary...and be prepared to enforce it as needed.

[mv6458]

In the meanwhile I've come to the conclusion that part of it is me- I've been enabling her by working way to hard at reconciliation when it seems to me that the wayward spouse should be the one doing the majority of the work.

 

In my experience what you've experienced is "normal" and I find it disturbing to deal with. It's definitely not helping reconciliation.

 

I feel the same way about enabling him. I feel sometimes as though I work at it constantly and he only does part time. And you are so right about feeling like he should be the one doing a majority of the work. But it is very disturbing to me that he does get angry about the whole thing. Shouldn't I be the angry one and he be reassuring instead? It just makes me angry at him when he reacts that way! And I truly don't want to resent him. If I did I already have enough reason to do so! But it does help to hear from experience that his behavior is somewhat normal. Thanks for sharing!

[reboot]

I feel the same way about enabling him. I feel sometimes as though I work at it constantly and he only does part time. And you are so right about feeling like he should be the one doing a majority of the work. But it is very disturbing to me that he does get angry about the whole thing. Shouldn't I be the angry one and he be reassuring instead? It just makes me angry at him when he reacts that way! And I truly don't want to resent him. If I did I already have enough reason to do so! But it does help to hear from experience that his behavior is somewhat normal. Thanks for sharing!

 

The technical term for this is deflection. If he can make you feel bad for asking (typically by getting angry), there's less stress on him.

[mv6458]

So has he told you point blank that he regrets his EA with OW, and that he wants to rebuild and reconcile the marriage?

 

If so...then set the situation straight with him. He discloses EVERYTHING...with no anger or issue. If he can't do that...then he can see his way the heck out.

 

Make it clear that you will NOT accept him trying to dodge a question or deflect you by being angry when asked a question.

 

Set a boundary...and be prepared to enforce it as needed.

Owl he has never said he regrets it. He has never come clean with me about any details either. Each time I have approached the subject with him he reacts the same way- with anger. He did admit that the contact was excessive but tries to maintain that nothing happened between them and all of their electronic communications were just silly jokes and the like. Typical explanation, I know. And for the record I don't buy it and he knows that! I know there are alot of details that he doesn't want to disclose to me because he is embarassed and I accept that. I'm not going to interrogate him for all the details. His pride is hurt too because it made him look like a fool to his family, friends and coworkers. But I am confused as to why he can't swallow his pride at this point and say he regrets the whole thing and just try to understand where I am coming from sometimes. I try to put myself in his shoes all the time to try and understand how he must be feeling. I just want that same respect! Anyway I have set boundaries as far as NC with her, access to all of his accounts, etc. Guess I need to make it clear that I won't accept him acting that way anymore and see what he does. I am prepared to walk away from our marriage and I have made that clear to him as well. I already consulted an attorney just in case. I love him but I am not going to be treated unfairly. I would rather be single then to have to deal with a disrespectful H.

[mv6458]

The technical term for this is deflection. If he can make you feel bad for asking (typically by getting angry), there's less stress on him.

That is exactly what he does and I end up getting angry at him for it. Why can't he just look at things from my perspective and avoid an arguement? I don't get it!!!

[reboot]

It will take time (and longer than you'll think it should) to get him to open up. It sounds like you're doing all the right things though. You'll have to have a little patience with him, but that doesn't include anything you decide is a deal breaker, like NC with the OW for instance.

[reboot]

That is exactly what he does and I end up getting angry at him for it. Why can't he just look at things from my perspective and avoid an arguement? I don't get it!!!

 

I know how frustrating it is, but they don't see it from the same perspective that we do. It's basically a coping mechanism on their part. Even if they are 100% committed to reconciliation, they just want to forget it ever happened, they don't really want to rehash it, face how much they hurt you, realize what a terrible ass they were. One of the biggest problems is, they KNOW everything that happened, and they don't have hundreds of questions that need answers like we do.

[nyrias]

That's not a sweeping generalization.

 

You don't seem to understand what the English word "general" means.

 

You said "It's not just common, it's in all cheaters." ... since it applies to ALL cheaters, as you have claimed, it is a GENERAL statement.

 

Gosh, i would recommend you go back to elementary school. May be that will help your logic and reasoning.

[John Michael Kane]

You don't seem to understand what the English word "general" means.

 

You said "It's not just common, it's in all cheaters." ... since it applies to ALL cheaters, as you have claimed, it is a GENERAL statement.

 

Gosh, i would recommend you go back to elementary school. May be that will help your logic and reasoning.

 

That's not a sweeping generalization if it is a fact.

[nyrias]

That's not a sweeping generalization if it is a fact.

 

LOL .. since you don't know what a fact is, and cannot back up any of your "facts" with evidence, I would just laugh.

 

Oh, may be some high school education (like research and stuff .. do look up the word "evidence") .. may do you some good.

 

I wonder if you DID have some ability to reason, and only lost it because you were betrayed, or you did not have any to begin with. Do enlighten me on this burning question.

[John Michael Kane]

LOL .. since you don't know what a fact is,

 

Unlike you I know what a fact is. It's just you refuse to see otherwise.

 

and cannot back up any of your "facts" with evidence, I would just laugh.

The evidence is right on this site.

 

Oh, may be some high school education (like research and stuff .. do look up the word "evidence") .. may do you some good.

Nah I'm past high school.

 

I wonder if you DID have some ability to reason, and only lost it because you were betrayed, or you did not have any to begin with. Do enlighten me on this burning question.

Lame and childish. Doesn't even make sense.

[Woman In Blue]

MV, having access to his email account and cell phone bill means squat. Free web-based email accounts are free, and are there for the taking. In the time that it takes me to type this reply, someone could open 2 or 3 different email accounts on GMail or Hotmail or Yahoo, etc. Of course he's not going to use his 'known' email account (that you now have access to) to stay in touch with his OW. But a secret email account that he only accesses from work is a whole other ballgame.

 

Secondly, all that money he was spending on food every day for his office tramp could now very easily be being spent on a pay-as-you-go phone. They're a dime a dozen and available at pretty much every retail outlet you can walk into (Walmart, QuikChek, etc. etc. etc.). Many a betrayed wife has found a hidden 'bat' phone in her husband's toolbox in his garage, in the spare tire or trunk area of his car, the possibilities are endless. I would highly advise you place a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Don't bother tapping the home phone since you're there every night. But I'd sure reconsider placing a VAR in his car if I were you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Owl he has never said he regrets it. He has never come clean with me about any details either. Each time I have approached the subject with him he reacts the same way- with anger. He did admit that the contact was excessive but tries to maintain that nothing happened between them and all of their electronic communications were just silly jokes and the like. Typical explanation, I know. And for the record I don't buy it and he knows that! I know there are alot of details that he doesn't want to disclose to me because he is embarassed and I accept that. I'm not going to interrogate him for all the details. His pride is hurt too because it made him look like a fool to his family, friends and coworkers. But I am confused as to why he can't swallow his pride at this point and say he regrets the whole thing and just try to understand where I am coming from sometimes. I try to put myself in his shoes all the time to try and understand how he must be feeling. I just want that same respect! Anyway I have set boundaries as far as NC with her, access to all of his accounts, etc. Guess I need to make it clear that I won't accept

him acting that way anymore and see what he does. I am prepared to walk away from our marriage and I have made that clear to him as well. I already consulted an attorney just in case. I love him but I am not going to be treated unfairly. I would rather be single then to have to deal with a disrespectful H.

 

I recant my previous post, I assumed something innaccurate.

 

I do believe that you should pull back though. Either ask him to leave or move until he is ready to discuss the situation and sort through the obvious communication garbage in the marriage. Don't make it about a punishment. Simply put: "I will not live in a marriage where I believe there to have been an EA and a massive breach of trust that cannot be honestly discussed. Do what you wish with that information, but I am (or you are) going for now."

 

Then if he wakes the Hell up, work on the marriage through MC from the outside in.

 

Men tend to impulsively leave sometimes and assume that they can return home. Often when women leave, it is the end. Try a man break-up instead of a woman break-up so that he registers the pain of the disconnect. Do not assign blame, you are trying to get clarification on an exceedingly important event in your marriage and he is stonewalling you. Make it about the event and depersonalize it. Do not list off feelings about it. They will only look like blame.

[dreamingoftigers]

MV, having access to his email account and cell phone bill means squat. Free web-based email accounts are free, and are there for the taking. In the time that it takes me to type this reply, someone could open 2 or 3 different email accounts on GMail or Hotmail or Yahoo, etc. Of course he's not going to use his 'known' email account (that you now have access to) to stay in touch with his OW. But a secret email account that he only accesses from work is a whole other ballgame.

 

Secondly, all that money he was spending on food every day for his office tramp could now very easily be being spent on a pay-as-you-go phone. They're a dime a dozen and available at pretty much every retail outlet you can walk into (Walmart, QuikChek, etc. etc. etc.). Many a betrayed wife has found a hidden 'bat' phone in her husband's toolbox in his garage, in the spare tire or trunk area of his car, the possibilities are endless. I would highly advise you place a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Don't bother tapping the

home phone since you're there every night. But I'd sure reconsider placing a VAR in his car if I were you.

 

You can also GPS his car and sew a 3x3 GPS into one of his suits or jackets. It will not give real-time info but you can remove it and download the info.

 

As well any smartphone with Internet can be GPSed and mircophoned in real time. His phone will literally act like a microphone. Getting his phone might be hard though.

[Tayla]

Or maybe he is just having a bad week on other matters. No offense to the OP but sometimes as a Lady I tend to OVer Think someones actions if they dont FIT the Form entirely. I personally would get tired of someone constantly urging me to "express" myself and "share" EVERYTHING. Every adult has some area in life that they keep for themselves, its called being an individual. Back off from him and give him his space, just as you desire space to think thru things. Only use an ultimatum if you are willing to see it thru.

I get that the "trust" issue has been damaged and needs repaired. IT takes time and it doesnt happen fast enough for some....its a life process. If you have factual evidence that he is back to his old ways then indeed come forth and get clear on it, otherwise speculating is unhealthy.

[nyrias]

Unlike you I know what a fact is. It's just you refuse to see otherwise.

 

The evidence is right on this site.

 

Nah I'm past high school.

 

Lame and childish. Doesn't even make sense.

 

What evidence? Your posts are not evidence.

 

You certainly don't seem like you are past high school. I would rate you roughly between kindergarten and first grade.

[John Michael Kane]

What evidence? Your posts are not evidence.

 

Never directly said my posts were facts.

 

You certainly don't seem like you are past high school. I would rate you roughly between kindergarten and first grade.

 

Good for you.

[Owl]

Never directly said my posts were facts.

 

 

 

Good for you.

 

Actually, you have. On more occasions than j can count.