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My wifes' 15 year affair


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Old 15th August 2011, 10:47 PM   #1
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My wifes' 15 year affair

Like many of the posters here I have just found out my wife has been having an on/off affair with the local mechanic for about the last 15 years. I am 57 she is now 51. Our kids are grown and left but we have a grandchild we are raising as her mother is incapable due to a severe heroin problem.
I have had suspicions over the course of our 30 years together but was convinced by her that they were groundless. About 15 years back I was in a bar and my wife came in arm and arm with this lad D. but was told he was just a friend and I let it go, but it gnawed a bit and the fact that her behavior was a wee bit off the wall at the time ( wearing no underwear and mini skirts should have been a clue). But we had three young kids at the time so I sucked it up.
Unfortunately I became very ill shortly after this ( no surprise there then ) and for a period of 2 years was incapable of functioning properly in any capacity. She did tell me that D. had been a great help at the time which I sorta forgot as it was touch and go for me and I was was on substantial doses of morphine.( couldn't have given a rats ass to tell you the truth).
I made a fullish recovery after that and got back to working our business.
for about 5 years. All quiet on the home front.
About 4 years back my daughter saw them kissing in a bar and went into meltdown . That reminded me of one evening when my wife came home late one evening ( very drunk ) screaming at me that we were finished. So I checked the phone bills for that day and found several calls and texts between their cells that day.( and many more days besides ) Just two old friends out for an evening according to my nearest and dearest .
I let it go again and my reward was to be ejected from the bedroom ( as the symptoms of her menopause and my snoring were not compatible with her achieving a good nights sleep ). All sex apparently was out of the question while she endured this affliction.
So having a fairly normal sex drive and no particular desire for an affair I used the porn sites for the last three years ( mea culpa ,I am not an addict ,I hope, but it kept me sort of sane).
Recently I went to the airport ( at short notice I admit ) to collect her and found the irrepressible D. there before me. This led me back to her phone bills that night and found over 150 calls and texts from her phone alone in the previous 12 months. Several days later she upped and burned the entire phone bill collection ( you cannot be too careful of identity theft these days apparently) . Okay a rat was definitely being smelled and a few weeks later after a night out she just came out with the phrase that she could not understand what I was so upset about something that happened 15 years ago ( with little or no reason apart from a few too many drinks).
I did go ballistic ( believe me there is a world of difference between suspecting and KNOWING). I think she forgot for a second that I did not KNOW. The next few days I alternated between suicidal and homicidal but mostly just severely depressed and eventually ( drunkenly ) she attacked verbally and gave me the heads up on how much better D. was in bed than me and how could any woman be attracted to a fat slob like me ( I'm not that fat, but I was getting there ). So the second time that I had suspicions was admitted to if not gloried in.
I can definitely recommend your partners infidelity as a surefire alternative to a calorie controlled weight loss program ( 22 pounds in 28 days, beat that Pilates). My head was and is a complete mess and I cannot turn it off as every suspicious act ,word and situation over the course of my marriage is turned over and examined minutely.
The fatherhood of my 1st child was always a bit iffy and the next 2 are now coming under the microscope ( paranoia unbound). Several interesting conversations on that front if you can imagine.
Still the line is being maintained of the 2 occasions ( mistakes both ) only. The intake of drink ( usually fairly substantial) is being strictly controlled. No access to the bedroom though. ( let's take it slowly and see after your appointment next week with your oncologist). What the sweet ninny does an appointment with an oncologist have to do with anything unless.........
I have been cancer free for about 10 years but am going in for the full battery of tests soon as my wife is a bit worried about me ( and we can see how we get on from there ). I must add that my dear wife has never worked in the last 30 years and would find it difficult to maintain her standard of living should we split .I have some fairly hefty insurance policies should I shuffle off. I did mention to her that I was thinking of cashing in one to cover some liquidity problems but that caused a bit of a shock to my beloved ( you had to be there and see her little face ). Apparently these should not be touched as I would need the money to support our grandchild should anything happen to HER ..... It was a bit naughty of me I know but all's fair in..........
I am of the opinion that she is thinking of splitting but would prefer to do it with a greater wedge than us splitting our present assets would provide for her . She is a caring person to most people ( even me at the moment) but I cannot help but think that she is unsure of the future actions of her intended ( who will be leaving an even larger meal ticket should he fall in with her/their plans.
I was tempted to terminate the insurance policies but am worried for the grandchild's future should I depart. She insists that little or nothing is/was going on and we can get over this after the tests which leads me to believe that she is slightly deranged or considers me to be one of the biggest eejits on the planet. ( on the evidence of the last few decades maybe she has a point).
I realize that this has been a bit of a novel but you should see the stuff I left out and I thank you for reading this far down. I used to love her but once the trust is gone and I fear that although I still like her , the clouds of suspicion are blocking the path ahead.
Thanks again for reading the paranoid ramblings of the recently battered ego.
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Old 15th August 2011, 11:23 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ludoergosum View Post
Like many of the posters here I have just found out my wife has been having an on/off affair with the local mechanic for about the last 15 years. I am 57 she is now 51. Our kids are grown and left but we have a grandchild we are raising as her mother is incapable due to a severe heroin problem.
I have had suspicions over the course of our 30 years together but was convinced by her that they were groundless. About 15 years back I was in a bar and my wife came in arm and arm with this lad D. but was told he was just a friend and I let it go, but it gnawed a bit and the fact that her behavior was a wee bit off the wall at the time ( wearing no underwear and mini skirts should have been a clue). But we had three young kids at the time so I sucked it up.
Unfortunately I became very ill shortly after this ( no surprise there then ) and for a period of 2 years was incapable of functioning properly in any capacity. She did tell me that D. had been a great help at the time which I sorta forgot as it was touch and go for me and I was was on substantial doses of morphine.( couldn't have given a rats ass to tell you the truth).
I made a fullish recovery after that and got back to working our business.
for about 5 years. All quiet on the home front.
About 4 years back my daughter saw them kissing in a bar and went into meltdown . That reminded me of one evening when my wife came home late one evening ( very drunk ) screaming at me that we were finished. So I checked the phone bills for that day and found several calls and texts between their cells that day.( and many more days besides ) Just two old friends out for an evening according to my nearest and dearest .
I let it go again and my reward was to be ejected from the bedroom ( as the symptoms of her menopause and my snoring were not compatible with her achieving a good nights sleep ). All sex apparently was out of the question while she endured this affliction.
So having a fairly normal sex drive and no particular desire for an affair I used the porn sites for the last three years ( mea culpa ,I am not an addict ,I hope, but it kept me sort of sane).
Recently I went to the airport ( at short notice I admit ) to collect her and found the irrepressible D. there before me. This led me back to her phone bills that night and found over 150 calls and texts from her phone alone in the previous 12 months. Several days later she upped and burned the entire phone bill collection ( you cannot be too careful of identity theft these days apparently) . Okay a rat was definitely being smelled and a few weeks later after a night out she just came out with the phrase that she could not understand what I was so upset about something that happened 15 years ago ( with little or no reason apart from a few too many drinks).
I did go ballistic ( believe me there is a world of difference between suspecting and KNOWING). I think she forgot for a second that I did not KNOW. The next few days I alternated between suicidal and homicidal but mostly just severely depressed and eventually ( drunkenly ) she attacked verbally and gave me the heads up on how much better D. was in bed than me and how could any woman be attracted to a fat slob like me ( I'm not that fat, but I was getting there ). So the second time that I had suspicions was admitted to if not gloried in.
I can definitely recommend your partners infidelity as a surefire alternative to a calorie controlled weight loss program ( 22 pounds in 28 days, beat that Pilates). My head was and is a complete mess and I cannot turn it off as every suspicious act ,word and situation over the course of my marriage is turned over and examined minutely.
The fatherhood of my 1st child was always a bit iffy and the next 2 are now coming under the microscope ( paranoia unbound). Several interesting conversations on that front if you can imagine.
Still the line is being maintained of the 2 occasions ( mistakes both ) only. The intake of drink ( usually fairly substantial) is being strictly controlled. No access to the bedroom though. ( let's take it slowly and see after your appointment next week with your oncologist). What the sweet ninny does an appointment with an oncologist have to do with anything unless.........
I have been cancer free for about 10 years but am going in for the full battery of tests soon as my wife is a bit worried about me ( and we can see how we get on from there ). I must add that my dear wife has never worked in the last 30 years and would find it difficult to maintain her standard of living should we split .I have some fairly hefty insurance policies should I shuffle off. I did mention to her that I was thinking of cashing in one to cover some liquidity problems but that caused a bit of a shock to my beloved ( you had to be there and see her little face ). Apparently these should not be touched as I would need the money to support our grandchild should anything happen to HER ..... It was a bit naughty of me I know but all's fair in..........
I am of the opinion that she is thinking of splitting but would prefer to do it with a greater wedge than us splitting our present assets would provide for her . She is a caring person to most people ( even me at the moment) but I cannot help but think that she is unsure of the future actions of her intended ( who will be leaving an even larger meal ticket should he fall in with her/their plans.
I was tempted to terminate the insurance policies but am worried for the grandchild's future should I depart. She insists that little or nothing is/was going on and we can get over this after the tests which leads me to believe that she is slightly deranged or considers me to be one of the biggest eejits on the planet. ( on the evidence of the last few decades maybe she has a point).
I realize that this has been a bit of a novel but you should see the stuff I left out and I thank you for reading this far down. I used to love her but once the trust is gone and I fear that although I still like her , the clouds of suspicion are blocking the path ahead.
Thanks again for reading the paranoid ramblings of the recently battered ego.
Find a new woman, you may be thinking that you're too old, but there are very attractive women that would go for a man your age. Don't keep making the same stupid decisions that was your first mistake. Protect yourself financially and then leave her.
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Old 15th August 2011, 11:42 PM   #3
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If you are worried about her gettting the insurance proceeds but dont want to hang your grandchild out to dry...

Set up a testamentary trust and change the beneficiary to the trust which is for the benefit of the grandchild. Put your family members in control of the trust (do you have a brother of sister you trust?) and have strict instructions in the will as to how monies are to be dispersed
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Old 16th August 2011, 12:03 AM   #4
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DAMN! Lately the stories get more and more gruesome. What is wrong with people?
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Old 16th August 2011, 3:37 AM   #5
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Hey LG----why exactly are you here, are you just venting, or do you want help

If you wand advice, I can only say this, your wife has been living as a bigamist for the last 15 yrs, cept she never made it official, and you have allowed it to happen

I think you have known from the beginning what has gone on, and you just refused to do anything, so she just kept on with her lover

So now what do you want??????

You don't need to wait till your tests are done, and your grandchild should not be an excuse for misery, and your insurance policies, who are they for---if your bigamist wife outlives you, they will end up with her lover----You are ostracized from the bedroom, you really don't have a mge., you have a roommate, who is the mother of your children, you certainly don't have a wife, her lover, has the wife, (that being your so called wife), you are unfortunately, not even sloppy seconds---WHAT DO YOU WANT??????
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Old 16th August 2011, 7:17 AM   #6
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For the last 15 years she wasn't your wife...she was the wife of OM and if you respect yourself as a person you should divorce her and protect yourself and the grandchild financialy...and believe me you have nothing to lose because you lost her,and her respect for you and your marriage 15 years ago...

Good luck
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Old 16th August 2011, 8:32 AM   #7
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Wow. You know you need to leave her.
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Old 16th August 2011, 9:37 AM   #8
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In my opinion, the longer the affair goes on (especially the the on/off ones) the harder it is for the respect/trust/love that the WS has lost for the BS to be returned.

I class your wife as a serial cheater - even though it is with the same person. For this type of cheater, you MUST protect your heart and finances. Do not expect the WS to remain faithful and you will not be disappointed when you find out that she hasn't. She has been getting her thrills from someone else for over a decade. That is not easy to give up. If it is not this OM it will be someone else until she is too oldor tired to attract a playmate.


Your wife has shown you by her actions that she comes first. Do you have the time to spend working out the whys of her behaviour. Or, is it better to start over. The future is uncertain, but how you feel about the your wife's LTA is a clear signpost for you as to what to do next.

THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT. Make the best decion for YOU as to whether to continue the marriage.
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Old 16th August 2011, 9:45 AM   #9
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Definition of a bigamist...anyone?

Where did it say in the opening post that the WS was married to the BS and OM at the same time?
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:01 AM   #10
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Divorce your wife, man. You deserve better.
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:12 AM   #11
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Where did it say in the opening post that the WS was married to the BS and OM at the same time?
She was only married to BS on the paper(only in law she was his wife), but she was in every other way OM wife...
She was living a double life for 15 years...
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Old 16th August 2011, 12:05 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Bugz Bunny View Post
She was only married to BS on the paper(only in law she was his wife), but she was in every other way OM wife...
She was living a double life for 15 years...
This is such an outlandish statement.
Using your logic, the WS in every LTA acquired another spouse!
An on/off relationship does not equate to a marriage in any shape or form so let's leave the dramatics out of this. It is not helpful.

Furthermore, some BS are able to put it all behind them so a LTA is not always a dealbreaker. There is even a forum on SI for those dealing with tHE aftermath of a LTA.
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Old 16th August 2011, 12:11 PM   #13
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LTA may not equal dual marriage(though I can see it being viewed that way),but it certainly doesn't equal a real marriage while lying for 15 years(this in my eyes = doesn't know the meaning of real if it jumped and slapped the piss out of you)the person you did say vows to.
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:10 PM   #14
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A couple of questions

Thanks for the input folks. JNJ , I think you are right , I was just venting in the first post , but , I also needed to clarify and distill many of the thoughts I have been having over the course of the last month. Her actions have been appalling, yet , from all I have been reading about the mind set of women who have affairs all to common. Jees there are an awful lot of us out there.
The OM is himself in a long term relationship and I have been toying with texting or emailing his missus with some of the more salient details. I know this will cause pain to her and she may choose to inflict some on him. ( only way to hit back I can think of ) . I could go down and hit him I suppose but he is a large chap and may choose to put me in the hospital. It may however cause her to throw him out and precipitate the re-ignition of the affair .
They live in a very large mansion type place ( impressed my wife no end) but I don't think my wife realizes that it is almost certainly belongs to the OMW a senior partner in a large law firm. I think the latest upsurge in affair activity may have caused by some money problems I have been having ( bloody recession). An exit strategy so to speak.
Should I or should I not. Hmmmmm
I don't think she can bear to touch me anymore but seems to be hanging on in the hope that we can work something out. How that is going to work I have no idea. I was interested in one of the other threads that suggested that loss of sexual appetite by both the husband ( subconsciously) and wife can be caused by the affair. Seems reasonable to me.
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:35 PM   #15
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Of course you need to tell the OM's wife. Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you instead of finding out 15 years later? By not saying anything to the OM's wife you are sending a clear message to him that you condone the affair. You are sending a message to him that him screwing your wife on and off for 15 years apparently is acceptable to you since there will be no consequences for his actions. Good grief - What is wrong with you?
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