Jump to content

I met a reconciled affair veteran today


Recommended Posts

in the workplace.

 

We have known each other professionally for a while and he is always dropping comments about having put his marriage back together.

 

Today I asked him how he did that and the story was eerily familiar.

 

His wife had a full-blown mid-life crisis over 5 years ago. They were high school sweethearts. She met someone and wanted to separate, leaving him to raise their children and work a more than full-time job.

 

She then insisted she did not start dating the OM until after the separation, but he never believed that.

 

He filed for divorce, they sold their home, the kids stayed with him.

 

The affair burnt out within two years, a bi-polar diagnosis was made,; she has/had a horrible relationship with one parent. She begged to have dinner, and they started talking again.

 

He loves her, thought long and hard about what he wanted, and they reconciled under his terms and conditions.

 

He still has bad days and triggers when alone too long with his thoughts, but not half as bad as when he first found out the reason for her abrupt change in behavior; a OM. He was suicidal for awhile after that but the idea of leaving his children kept him on the planet and away from driving into the pole for the insurance money.

 

His oldest son has an estranged relationship with his mother till this day; a lack of trust keeps his son very guarded around his mother. He saw too much of his father's pain.

 

The advice he received from male family members was incredibly negative when he decided to reconcile with his WW. It strained many of his relationships with them.

 

He is happy he made the choice he did. But every now and then, resentment comes knocking on his door in "Why me?"

 

And he bemoans the fact that there aren't many people to talk to who understand his choices.

 

It was profound....

Link to post
Share on other sites

So he pretty much waited two years in misery, while she was fooling around. Sucky situation.

 

Proves the point that you should rack up some experience during younger years.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Afishwithabike

 

He loves her, thought long and hard about what he wanted, and they reconciled under his terms and conditions.

 

I'm curious. Did he say what his terms and conditions are?

 

 

His oldest son has an estranged relationship with his mother till this day; a lack of trust keeps his son very guarded around his mother. He saw too much of his father's pain.

 

 

I don't have any personal experience with infidelity, but I've seen something like this young man's reaction from someone in my husband's family. The parents divorced and are back on good terms with each other, but the damage was done to the parent-child relationship. Their son is very guarded. He is polite to the mom if he sees her at family gatherings. He'll hug her if she tries to hug him. However, he doesn't talk to her at all unless she initiates it. He doesn't share much of himself with her at all. He doesn't give her the silent treatment, but he is distant and detached. This has been going on for about 10 years now. I don't see anything changing. There's a rift there thought it may not be obvious to outsiders, it's very clear to those of us who know the circumstances. I know she's hurt, but then I'm not very sorry for her either. She brought a lot of it on herself. :o

Link to post
Share on other sites
i

 

And he bemoans the fact that there aren't many people to talk to who understand his choices.

 

It was profound....

 

Yup, there are few people IRL who will just up and talk about reconciling after infidelity (myself included :)).

 

I wonder what I would do or say if someone I knew came out with such a revelation.

 

Spark, did you share your own experience with him or did he know somehow?

 

 

Proves the point that you should rack up some experience during younger years.

 

I agree wholehearedly! Some of these infidelity situations could be avoided if people really knew themselves first and lived a little before marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Memphis Raines

He is happy he made the choice he did. But every now and then, resentment comes knocking on his door in "Why me?"

 

he pretty much negated that he is happy with his choice. I think he is at peace with his choice, but happy? Apparently not.

 

The latter bolded is the precise reason I advise NOT to stay or get back together. I know this guy would be happier with a better woman and one that isn't the cause of any triggers.

 

 

And he bemoans the fact that there aren't many people to talk to who understand his choices.

 

thats probably because his words, and his behavior don't coincide with each other.

 

"I'm happy" and "why me?" don't go hand in hand.

Link to post
Share on other sites
he pretty much negated that he is happy with his choice. I think he is at peace with his choice, but happy? Apparently not.

 

The latter bolded is the precise reason I advise NOT to stay or get back together. I know this guy would be happier with a better woman and one that isn't the cause of any triggers.

 

 

 

 

thats probably because his words, and his behavior don't coincide with each other.

 

"I'm happy" and "why me?" don't go hand in hand.

 

Yup, clearly the guy is not happy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Memphis Raines
Yup, clearly the guy is not happy.

 

why get back with someone only to get the triggers that come with it and wonder what the hell you just got yourself BACK into?

Link to post
Share on other sites
why get back with someone only to get the triggers that come with it and wonder what the hell you just got yourself BACK into?

 

Denial........

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So he pretty much waited two years in misery, while she was fooling around. Sucky situation.

 

Proves the point that you should rack up some experience during younger years.

 

He drank too much, yes, in misery, and had no desire to date. Loved being married and being a family man until the rug was pulled out from under his feet.

 

Yes! I agree. People DO marry for the wrong reasons. People. raised too strictly or with great parental disapproval, do not have enough adolescence. My experience is these are often the people to mid-life crises: They seek the adolescence they were never allowed to have. Unfortunately, if they already have spouses and families, the devastation to others is so much greater.

 

Better to rebel and sow some wild oats between the ages of 16 and 25, then between the ages of 35-50, IMO. Counselors agree, BTW.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm curious. Did he say what his terms and conditions are?

 

 

 

 

 

I don't have any personal experience with infidelity, but I've seen something like this young man's reaction from someone in my husband's family. The parents divorced and are back on good terms with each other, but the damage was done to the parent-child relationship. Their son is very guarded. He is polite to the mom if he sees her at family gatherings. He'll hug her if she tries to hug him. However, he doesn't talk to her at all unless she initiates it. He doesn't share much of himself with her at all. He doesn't give her the silent treatment, but he is distant and detached. This has been going on for about 10 years now. I don't see anything changing. There's a rift there thought it may not be obvious to outsiders, it's very clear to those of us who know the circumstances. I know she's hurt, but then I'm not very sorry for her either. She brought a lot of it on herself. :o

 

As for conditions, she wanted to test the waters by moving in together to "see" if it would work out again. She wanted to be able to bolt if there was more angst than she could handle. Very tentative.

 

He flat out said "no". He said if you do not re-commit to me fully, as in remarriage, we do not do this. She did.

 

As for their son's estrangement; while it causes them pain, he will not force the issue. Afterall, they were divorced for three years and the son, age 18 at the time, knew why.

 

He hopes the relationship will improve someday, but his wife's relationship with their son is her responsibility. He enjoys an excellent relationship with his son. He never badmouthed his wife ever to his children, but children know and judge like everyone else. She left.....for another man.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Yup, there are few people IRL who will just up and talk about reconciling after infidelity (myself included :)).

 

I wonder what I would do or say if someone I knew came out with such a revelation.

 

Spark, did you share your own experience with him or did he know somehow?

 

 

 

I agree wholehearedly! Some of these infidelity situations could be avoided if people really knew themselves first and lived a little before marriage.

 

Yes, I did. My heart broke for him and I realized there are so few people to talk to about it; people who actually lived through it.

 

It was an instant rapport.

 

He said he still fantasizes about bumping into the OM one day and just leveling him with a punch.

 

I told him that was normal. I also told him my experience of finally speaking to the OW, how she was NOTHING like me, how he may be disappointed to learn the person he would love to punch deserves some sympathy as in NOT A THREAT, but a person as equally needy and vulnerable and insecure as his wife at the time.

 

I sensed he took some comfort in that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
he pretty much negated that he is happy with his choice. I think he is at peace with his choice, but happy? Apparently not.

 

The latter bolded is the precise reason I advise NOT to stay or get back together. I know this guy would be happier with a better woman and one that isn't the cause of any triggers.

 

 

 

 

thats probably because his words, and his behavior don't coincide with each other.

 

"I'm happy" and "why me?" don't go hand in hand.

 

MR, I disagree. I think he came to his conclusion the hard way and he owns his choice. They were divorced and he had carte blanch to date all others.

 

Didn't work for him. Plus, he thought of his kids and their love for their mom. When it ended, and she seemed truly remorseful, he made his decision and stands by it.

 

But, there will always be days when feelings of resentment are triggered. I think that is normal too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
why get back with someone only to get the triggers that come with it and wonder what the hell you just got yourself BACK into?

 

This differs, IMO. He moved quickly to divorce. He had every opportunity to find a better woman. He did not want that. He wanted the woman he had, the one before she went kookoo. They divorced and split everything. It was OVER.

 

When THAT woman came knocking, he decided to have dinner with her. Many, many months later, he agreed to dinner. Many, many months later, he agreed to try.

 

She pursued the relationship with him. He was very, very, guarded until he saw a semblance of the woman he had loved his whole life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This differs, IMO. He moved quickly to divorce. He had every opportunity to find a better woman. He did not want that. He wanted the woman he had, the one before she went kookoo. They divorced and split everything. It was OVER.

 

When THAT woman came knocking, he decided to have dinner with her. Many, many months later, he agreed to dinner. Many, many months later, he agreed to try.

 

She pursued the relationship with him. He was very, very, guarded until he saw a semblance of the woman he had loved his whole life.

 

The woman he thought he had was long gone when she cheated. He miscalculated, and now he's still miserable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed
he pretty much negated that he is happy with his choice. I think he is at peace with his choice, but happy? Apparently not.

 

The latter bolded is the precise reason I advise NOT to stay or get back together. I know this guy would be happier with a better woman and one that isn't the cause of any triggers.

 

 

 

 

thats probably because his words, and his behavior don't coincide with each other.

 

"I'm happy" and "why me?" don't go hand in hand.

 

Maybe it's still too soon for this guy to be happy or healed. Maybe he realizes he still has a ways to go. Reconciling doesn't mean old feelings (asking "why me") don't come up once in a while. That's why most people agree that adultry leaves a scar in the marriage. All can be forgiven, but not all is forgotten. As far as being happy, no matter what action a BS takes after an affair, it will take a long time to be happy (with or without the WS) if they had previously loved and cared for the WS.

Link to post
Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside
"I'm happy" and "why me?" don't go hand in hand.
Dunno what your personal experiences are in recon...but it happens to be a hodgepodge of contradictory emotions. But the roughest learning experiences often are.

 

As for whether it is worth it or not...can't say for everyone. But even though I reconciled successfully with my now ex-wife, and don't regret it at all, I don't really see it as worth the effort. IMO.

Link to post
Share on other sites
wheelwright

Let's hope the 'I'm happy' was a from the soul comment and the 'why me' was a shadow from the ego.

 

If the soul says 'why me' then the loss of faith is deep and the selfishness rampant.

 

If the ego says 'I'm happy' it just means you got what you superficially wanted.

 

The other way around, and I reckon things could be good for your friend.

 

I think if the soul is happy, the self will go along with that despite reservations. If the soul, the deep self, is insecure, then more healing is required.

 

She will need to be a very good woman from now, or he will need to be internally secure. Which is desirable anyway, I guess. IME :o

Link to post
Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside
She will need to be a very good woman from now, or he will need to be internally secure. Which is desirable anyway, I guess. IME :o

 

Hopefully she'll be a good woman (although when BP disorder gets involved, being a good woman isn't enough) and he'll be internally secure. He'll need to be.

 

Biggest risk to both of them is all the complications that her meds will bring.

 

Mental illness is a b*tch.

Link to post
Share on other sites
why get back with someone only to get the triggers that come with it and wonder what the hell you just got yourself BACK into?

 

Some people just aren't equipped with going and starting again. Some people view it as virtuous or heroic to stay and fix things. Some people play to the role of victim a little. Some people feel sure their spouse is 100% the right person for them and they believe the payoff will come and it appears sometimes it does.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Let's hope the 'I'm happy' was a from the soul comment and the 'why me' was a shadow from the ego.

 

If the soul says 'why me' then the loss of faith is deep and the selfishness rampant.

 

If the ego says 'I'm happy' it just means you got what you superficially wanted.

 

The other way around, and I reckon things could be good for your friend.

 

I think if the soul is happy, the self will go along with that despite reservations. If the soul, the deep self, is insecure, then more healing is required.

 

She will need to be a very good woman from now, or he will need to be internally secure. Which is desirable anyway, I guess. IME :o

 

I think an insecure ego asks what could I have done differently for my spouse to not have cheated on me with another?

 

Many counseling hours later, the correct answer is not much. There mmay be reasons for infidelity, but no excuses.

 

I think a healthy ego says whatever was wrong in the marriage, I did not deserve to be lied to and cheated on.

 

That doesn't go away after reconciliation. You reach a point of acceptance of it, but a BS's life, history and legacy is ALSO forever changed.

 

It is a bell that cannot be unrung. I get it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hopefully she'll be a good woman (although when BP disorder gets involved, being a good woman isn't enough) and he'll be internally secure. He'll need to be.

 

Biggest risk to both of them is all the complications that her meds will bring.

 

Mental illness is a b*tch.

 

Yes it is. Or one damn fine excuse.

 

But that too seems to be a recurring theme, don'tcha think?

 

Depression, boredom, mid-life crisis, lack of sex all projected onto the spouse; then the litany of criticisms and blame begins. Then the crashing into the affair partner with the standard "loveless" marriage complaint.

 

I know this is romanticized as "true love" and maybe in rare cases it is.

 

But just in the deception and self-destruction of an affair, in many cases, it is not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside
Yes it is. Or one damn fine excuse.

 

But that too seems to be a recurring theme, don'tcha think?

 

Depression, boredom, mid-life crisis, lack of sex all projected onto the spouse; then the litany of criticisms and blame begins. Then the crashing into the affair partner with the standard "loveless" marriage complaint.

 

I know this is romanticized as "true love" and maybe in rare cases it is.

 

But just in the deception and self-destruction of an affair, in many cases, it is not.

 

Really depends on the severity of her BP disorder. If it's genuinely serious, than her actions are somewhat more understandable (at least to me). If not, she is manipulating her hubby like a jar lid. I suppose we would have to meet her personally, and see a medical report to be sure.

 

A very small number of the patients I'd met in my previous career path, were BPers. Usually, there was nothing too noticable. Then the hypomania hits and they'd be laughing endlessly and humping my leg. Or maybe a manic episode, and they would run around, talking non-stop and...hump my leg. Obviously, it's about as solid an excuse as murdering somebody and using the insanity plea. Buuuut...'tis still a factor to consider.

 

The BS in your story is taking a big risk by taking her back btw. If he is lucky, than her mental state will remain somewhat manageable over the years, and he'll get his happy ending. If not, he can expect her condition to deteriorate and bite him in the *ss later on.

 

Basically, this guy is in the same shoes as I was (although my ex-wife has MDD. And she never ran off).

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
YES! YES! YES! YES!

 

I went through a period of insecurity and wondering if I was the cause of my exH's cheating. The possibility that the man I loved so much could be so cruel was harder to bear than believing I was to blame, that there was something deeply wrong with me. Fortunately I have always had extremely good self-esteem and it took over before too long. :D

 

But however good the self-worth of any BS, I would be surprised (but pleased!) if insecurity hasn't touched them at some point post D Day.

 

Do you know it a normal part of the post DDAY process for a BS to suffer crippling insecurity and ask the "What if I had been a better spouse...maybe, it WAS me?"

 

It is similiar to the Stockholm Syndrome in that it protects the psyche from processing the information that the person we loved and trusted could be capable of such betrayal.

 

We love the abuser, so we, at least briefly, blame ourselves until rational thinking returns.;) Or we get stuck in blaming the OW/OM.

 

Getting to the anger phase is actually a step in the right direction. As long as we do not get stuck there for too long.:)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Really depends on the severity of her BP disorder. If it's genuinely serious, than her actions are somewhat more understandable (at least to me). If not, she is manipulating her hubby like a jar lid. I suppose we would have to meet her personally, and see a medical report to be sure.

 

A very small number of the patients I'd met in my previous career path, were BPers. Usually, there was nothing too noticable. Then the hypomania hits and they'd be laughing endlessly and humping my leg. Or maybe a manic episode, and they would run around, talking non-stop and...hump my leg. Obviously, it's about as solid an excuse as murdering somebody and using the insanity plea. Buuuut...'tis still a factor to consider.

 

The BS in your story is taking a big risk by taking her back btw. If he is lucky, than her mental state will remain somewhat manageable over the years, and he'll get his happy ending. If not, he can expect her condition to deteriorate and bite him in the *ss later on.

 

Basically, this guy is in the same shoes as I was (although my ex-wife has MDD. And she never ran off).

 

MDD?

 

I read that BP is woefully underdiagnosed and poorly treated.

 

BPs can have long periods of stasis where they function beautifully. Then the scales tip up or down, and it is in the up phases that all the lunacy exists; affairs, gamibling, porn, substance abuse, compulsive spending.

 

The down is depression, which is equally hard on spouses and families.

 

The latest research shows anti-depressents are a poor treatment. Actually, the newest success seems to be with anti-seizure meds. Years ago, only Lithium was prescribed rendering BPs into wallpaper.

 

I read on a site that supports BPs and their families that they can average 9 to 14 sexual partners in the course of a marriage during their hypomania episodes.

 

Needless to say, many are divorced, often, before a diagnosis is made, if ever.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Memphis Raines
As far as being happy, no matter what action a BS takes after an affair, it will take a long time to be happy (with or without the WS)

 

well, and this is my opinion applied to myself, it didn't take long to be happy after divorcing my wife. and I know I'd never be happy staying with someone and having triggers here and there.

 

so for myself I know happiness will come after getting rid of a cheater, but never if I had kept one.

 

 

 

if they had previously loved and cared for the WS.

 

I did love and care for my WS before I found out she was a WS.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...