Is this remorse?

[analystfromhell]

After a lie about where she was and who she was with, I confronted my wife after a few weeks on what I thought was building up to full-blown emotional, if not physical affair. She did end up sending something (below) to him (he's married supposedly with kids but they are out of the country till sometime in August) but it wasn't a no-contact thing which I was involved in, just the following.

 

In my haze of distrust and anger, I only read that she is advertising her openness to a relationship, placing me outside of both that relationship and the marriage she wants. He of course jumps on that, comforting her and reassuring her. As I said though, I'm angry and full of distrust so I turn to you, gentle readers, what would you take from this?

 

Yes, we're starting MC in a few days and yes, she's agreed to go and stop texting him though she works with him so there will be contact and of course I am not foolish enough to think I can monitor everything so I only have intuition and insight to guide me at this stage. Actually, there's the collection intuition and insight as well, so what is your take and advice on this:

 

Her: The other thing on my mind, and it's taking me a few to compose my thoughts, is that (my name) has told me my enthusiasm for talking with you and dinner on Thurs are making him uncomfortable. He says the obvious affection I have for you bothers him comparative to our marriage-it's been a little rough. I apologize for way oversharing.it's just that I want to let you know what's going on because I perhaps should be checking myself better. 7:01 PM

 

Her: Bottom line I have a tendency towards impulsiveness. I like you and I very clearly know where the line is. 7:03 PM

 

Him : I honestly thought that some other team members were coming on Thurs. I don't want to upset anyone. 7:06 PM

 

Her: I know... I apologizefor even bringing it up. It's my problem not yours. 7:07 PM

 

Him : I don't want any problems, Holly. The way I see it, it's a friendly relationship. Nothing else. 7:08 PM

 

Her: Never thought any diff. realize I unnecessarily turned the crazy on. Again, I apologize. See you Monday... 7:36 PM

 

Him: No need to apologize...I don't intend to upset anyone. I'm friendly to everyone alike. Talk to you later. 7:40 PM

 

Her: I'm trying to overcome my urge to have the last word, but I can'tbecause this will be impossible to get out tomorrow. It's_not_you, it's me. You're a straightforward, open, person who is what you see and hear is what you get, and who's refreshingly easy to get along with. I should have kept what I brought up to myself. I'm embarrassed and stressed and just want to sleep until next week if it was possible. 9:30 PM

 

Him: Well, don't be embarrassed or anything. I understand what you mean and nothing wrong was done or said. Please, no worries at all. I don't want your husband or anyone else mad at me for no reason. My wife goes out with guy friends all the time overseas, and it's no real issue for me. Again, no worries at all. Take care. 9:35 PM

 

 

Is she at all contrite and what's your read on their intentions?

Edited July 18, 2011 by analystfromhell

[David Cain]

After a lie about where she was and who she was with, I confronted my wife after a few weeks on what I thought was building up to full-blown emotional, if not physical affair. She did end up sending something (below) to him (he's married supposedly with kids but they are out of the country till sometime in August) but it wasn't a no-contact thing which I was involved in, just the following.

 

In my haze of distrust and anger, I only read that she is advertising her openness to a relationship, placing me outside of both that relationship and the marriage she wants. He of course jumps on that, comforting her and reassuring her. As I said though, I'm angry and full of distrust so I turn to you, gentle readers, what would you take from this?

 

Yes, we're starting MC in a few days and yes, she's agreed to go and stop texting him though she works with him so there will be contact and of course I am not foolish enough to think I can monitor everything so I only have intuition and insight to guide me at this stage. Actually, there's the collection intuition and insight as well, so what is your take and advice on this:

 

Her: The other thing on my mind, and it's taking me a few to compose my thoughts, is that (my name) has told me my enthusiasm for talking with you and dinner on Thurs are making him uncomfortable. He says the obvious affection I have for you bothers him comparative to our marriage-it's been a little rough. I apologize for way oversharing.it's just that I want to let you know what's going on because I perhaps should be checking myself better. 7:01 PM

 

Her: Bottom line I have a tendency towards impulsiveness. I like you and I very clearly know where the line is. 7:03 PM

 

Him : I honestly thought that some other team members were coming on Thurs. I don't want to upset anyone. 7:06 PM

 

Her: I know... I apologizefor even bringing it up. It's my problem not yours. 7:07 PM

 

Him : I don't want any problems, Holly. The way I see it, it's a friendly relationship. Nothing else. 7:08 PM

 

Her: Never thought any diff. realize I unnecessarily turned the crazy on. Again, I apologize. See you Monday... 7:36 PM

 

Him: No need to apologize...I don't intend to upset anyone. I'm friendly to everyone alike. Talk to you later. 7:40 PM

 

Her: I'm trying to overcome my urge to have the last word, but I can'tbecause this will be impossible to get out tomorrow. It's_not_you, it's me. You're a straightforward, open, person who is what you see and hear is what you get, and who's refreshingly easy to get along with. I should have kept what I brought up to myself. I'm embarrassed and stressed and just want to sleep until next week if it was possible. 9:30 PM

 

Him: Well, don't be embarrassed or anything. I understand what you mean and nothing wrong was done or said. Please, no worries at all. I don't want your husband or anyone else mad at me for no reason. My wife goes out with guy friends all the time overseas, and it's no real issue for me. Again, no worries at all. Take care. 9:35 PM

 

 

Is she at all contrite and what's your read on their intentions?

 

Your wife is still working with him, correct? She's still cheating and those texts says it all.

[bentnotbroken]

It seems she was still fishing for some sign of him being interested. Seems like your wife is the one with the problem, not him.

[Frogwife]

It seems she was still fishing for some sign of him being interested. Seems like your wife is the one with the problem, not him.

 

I agree with this - when I read this, it didn't appear he is interested at all.

[analystfromhell]

Thanks much- I thought about the same but then maybe, well, if he's smooth then perhaps he'd say the same so as not to be too obvious. Maybe he's not interested per se if it affects his wife but he has gone off the reservation with her a few times (dinners together when they were allegedly someplace else, etc). Yeah- she's pursuing. Ahh, the tangled web.

[ver13]

I concur with all the above she is on the hunt my friend.

[Memphis Raines]

Yes, we're starting MC in a few days and yes, she's agreed to go and stop texting him though she works with him so there will be contact

 

then she needs to start sending out applications and resumes to other places of employment. it is inappropriate for her to stay in a job with him in it.

 

she needs to start looking for work elsewhere. keep what she has for now, but never stop looking for other employment.

 

and if you don't insist on this, then you are enabling her and making excuses for her to stay in contact with this guy, not matter if it is just for work.

 

 

Her: The other thing on my mind, and it's taking me a few to compose my thoughts, is that (my name) has told me my enthusiasm for talking with you and dinner on Thurs are making him uncomfortable. He says the obvious affection I have for you bothers him comparative to our marriage-it's been a little rough. I apologize for way oversharing.it's just that I want to let you know what's going on because I perhaps should be checking myself better. 7:01 PM

 

Her: Bottom line I have a tendency towards impulsiveness. I like you and I very clearly know where the line is. 7:03 PM

 

that line should include engaging in an emotional affair and chatting with him at all.

 

 

Him : I honestly thought that some other team members were coming on Thurs. I don't want to upset anyone. 7:06 PM

 

Her: I know... I apologizefor even bringing it up. It's my problem not yours. 7:07 PM

 

Him : I don't want any problems, Holly. The way I see it, it's a friendly relationship. Nothing else. 7:08 PM

 

ya right. he isn't in your shoes here.

 

 

Her: Never thought any diff. realize I unnecessarily turned the crazy on. Again, I apologize. See you Monday... 7:36 PM

 

she never though any different, but turned the "crazy on"? Apparently she DID think differently, but now that he is laying it out for her and she has been caught, NOW she "never thought any diff":rolleyes:

 

 

Him: No need to apologize...I don't intend to upset anyone. I'm friendly to everyone alike. Talk to you later. 7:40 PM

 

Her: I'm trying to overcome my urge to have the last word, but I can'tbecause this will be impossible to get out tomorrow. It's_not_you, it's me. You're a straightforward, open, person who is what you see and hear is what you get, and who's refreshingly easy to get along with. I should have kept what I brought up to myself. I'm embarrassed and stressed and just want to sleep until next week if it was possible. 9:30 PM

 

this right here shows that she DID see it differently than just a friendly relationship.

 

Him: Well, don't be embarrassed or anything. I understand what you mean and nothing wrong was done or said.

 

maybe not on his end, but she did bring out the "crazy", whatever that means, but I think we can pretty much guess it was a come on of sorts.

 

 

Is she at all contrite and what's your read on their intentions?

 

her intentions are that she would like more, but he won't have any of it.

 

contrite? to who? him?

 

what is her behavior towards YOU in all this?

 

either way, I wouldn't trust her out at all from now on if I were you. she has proven she can't handle social settings when you aren't around.

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks much- I thought about the same but then maybe, well, if he's smooth then perhaps he'd say the same so as not to be too obvious. Maybe he's not interested per se if it affects his wife but he has gone off the reservation with her a few times (dinners together when they were allegedly someplace else, etc). Yeah- she's pursuing. Ahh, the tangled web.

 

Sorry hun but I agree with the others. Your W kept trying and he was quite gently but honestly trying to stop her. I think if you go with your notion of him being smooth all you're doing is taking the responsibility off her.

[PhoenixRise]

It seems she was still fishing for some sign of him being interested. Seems like your wife is the one with the problem, not him.

 

 

I agree. It doesn't look like he is interested in anything other than a professionally friendly relationship with your wife. I don't think he is being smooth or anything like that.

 

I think your wife is attracted to him and she took his normal friendly demeanor to mean he was attracted to her too.

 

The problem is with your wife.

[David Cain]

Sorry hun but I agree with the others. Your W kept trying and he was quite gently but honestly trying to stop her. I think if you go with your notion of him being smooth all you're doing is taking the responsibility off her.

 

Ahh no he wasn't. If he wanted it to stop he would've stopped replying to her responses, whether they were texts or calls. He's just as guilty as she is.

Edited July 18, 2011 by David Cain

[analystfromhell]

I like the way you break apart and analyze these things. His responding to the texts especially in the degree (up to 100 a night and ALL night, like 2am.) was odd and kinda thinks maybe he was thinking she might be a good lay while the wife is out of town sort of interested. Crass I know but I mean, if he's doing those things they I would suspect he's having those thoughts. Terribly cynical, I apologize.

 

I am glad there are a few women in this thread and thank them for their insight. I hope is was my getting involved which had some influence in his change of heart. I think during MC I'd like to find out what the "crazy" was though it's doubtful I'll hear.

 

She's been alternately agree and friendly since we had another discussion (3rd one) where I made my thoughts clear and blunt. So far, no obvious com but of course they are in work all day and it's pretty impossible to monitor everything. I'm sure she's still thinking about it and will likely grow to resent me over it unless the MC can help bring that out. I need to find if it's an aspect of me which is leading towards this- I've decided to get a counselor of my own at least till I can get my involvement sorted out.

 

I wonder if this desire will leave her? I had a high school girlfriend call up my first wedding (in Europe none the less) so I'm wondering. Some people are so normal and accomplished on the surface then something just comes out of them, or needs to. I'm thinking there's something like this in my current wife; just not sure how to get it out since I don't think she'd take separate counseling that seriously. Will have to talk over with her.

 

Her behavior towards me got weirder in the last month- she blew off a gym date where she had to DRIVE BY the gym on the way to the restaurant she was going to (he was there though I was blissfully unaware at this stage) and didn't text me until 45min the time with a "guess you left" BS text as if I was supposed to say I had already left and she finally made it there. So I got suspicious and watched her in latitude- the next week she blew off a group work dinner, texted him and they met up at a bar in his town. "Best two hours I've had in a long time" was her thing and they texted during her hr drive back home. He did ask her if I'd be worried. which was smooth but she said she's a "big girl". I hope my tone doesn't seem agree but the next day she acted as though she'd gone to the group thing even when I confronted her. I got all pissed and the above was the result though not the end of the texting, etc. No meet ups I'm aware of since.

 

Oh- we haven't had sex in years. She says she isn't interested but it's clearly in "me" since when we met it was completely different. She may get bored lately or maybe it's an esteem issue. I know I have that so I guess it's natural I'd fall for someone else who does. Maybe it's kids she wants but that's never the answer.

 

Our counseling appointment is Wed am, am interested to see how it goes.

[OldOnTheInside]

Here is a question for you Anal (tee hee):

 

After all you have been through, do you genuinely believe that MC will be worth it? Or even work?

[David Cain]

I like the way you break apart and analyze these things. His responding to the texts especially in the degree (up to 100 a night and ALL night, like 2am.) was odd and kinda thinks maybe he was thinking she might be a good lay while the wife is out of town sort of interested. Crass I know but I mean, if he's doing those things they I would suspect he's having those thoughts. Terribly cynical, I apologize.

 

I am glad there are a few women in this thread and thank them for their insight. I hope is was my getting involved which had some influence in his change of heart. I think during MC I'd like to find out what the "crazy" was though it's doubtful I'll hear.

 

She's been alternately agree and friendly since we had another discussion (3rd one) where I made my thoughts clear and blunt. So far, no obvious com but of course they are in work all day and it's pretty impossible to monitor everything. I'm sure she's still thinking about it and will likely grow to resent me over it unless the MC can help bring that out. I need to find if it's an aspect of me which is leading towards this- I've decided to get a counselor of my own at least till I can get my involvement sorted out.

 

I wonder if this desire will leave her? I had a high school girlfriend call up my first wedding (in Europe none the less) so I'm wondering. Some people are so normal and accomplished on the surface then something just comes out of them, or needs to. I'm thinking there's something like this in my current wife; just not sure how to get it out since I don't think she'd take separate counseling that seriously. Will have to talk over with her.

 

Her behavior towards me got weirder in the last month- she blew off a gym date where she had to DRIVE BY the gym on the way to the restaurant she was going to (he was there though I was blissfully unaware at this stage) and didn't text me until 45min the time with a "guess you left" BS text as if I was supposed to say I had already left and she finally made it there. So I got suspicious and watched her in latitude- the next week she blew off a group work dinner, texted him and they met up at a bar in his town. "Best two hours I've had in a long time" was her thing and they texted during her hr drive back home. He did ask her if I'd be worried. which was smooth but she said she's a "big girl". I hope my tone doesn't seem agree but the next day she acted as though she'd gone to the group thing even when I confronted her. I got all pissed and the above was the result though not the end of the texting, etc. No meet ups I'm aware of since.

 

Oh- we haven't had sex in years. She says she isn't interested but it's clearly in "me" since when we met it was completely different. She may get bored lately or maybe it's an esteem issue. I know I have that so I guess it's natural I'd fall for someone else who does. Maybe it's kids she wants but that's never the answer.

 

Our counseling appointment is Wed am, am interested to see how it goes.

 

You're wasting your time and money on MC.

[analystfromhell]

After my rather too long thing, I got several universal "don't bothers". Can you help me understand what drove you to that and what you mean by it? Well I get what you literally mean (and thanks for being forthright and helpful) but what led you to that and where do you think she is on this? It won't get any better?

[David Cain]

After my rather too long thing, I got several universal "don't bothers". Can you help me understand what drove you to that and what you mean by it? Well I get what you literally mean (and thanks for being forthright and helpful) but what led you to that and where do you think she is on this? It won't get any better?

 

Come on, dude. Look at how she's treating you. The shady behavior, no sex in years, fooling around with her coworker....

 

I don't see anything that shows she's remorseful.

[analystfromhell]

I don't know if a MC works or not- for me the goal is a GREAT marriage- happy, sexy, fun and so on. Yeah right of course but it's a goal... I don't know what her goal is honestly; that will be something I ask. It could be she doesn't care but she hasn't said she wants out yet- figured the dude was an escape route in her mind. We actually met in such a circumstance. Yeah, things get weirder I guess the more you pull back the onion but we met in an affair. I was separated from my ex, she was living with some dude. She stuck with me through a really ****ty divorce and sex was good at least for me at first and she definitely seemed to enjoy it. Not sure when it stopped but it was a while ago. She doesn't like birth control (another topic I want to bring up at the MC) so that kind of holds me back as well. She sort of wants a kid but I'm late 40s (she's late 30s) and I have two kids in college so she was aware of what I was up to when we met eight years ago and I thought I knew what she was about but I guess we could communicate better.

[David Cain]

I don't know if a MC works or not- for me the goal is a GREAT marriage- happy, sexy, fun and so on. Yeah right of course but it's a goal... I don't know what her goal is honestly; that will be something I ask. It could be she doesn't care but she hasn't said she wants out yet- figured the dude was an escape route in her mind. We actually met in such a circumstance. Yeah, things get weirder I guess the more you pull back the onion but we met in an affair. I was separated from my ex, she was living with some dude. She stuck with me through a really ****ty divorce and sex was good at least for me at first and she definitely seemed to enjoy it. Not sure when it stopped but it was a while ago. She doesn't like birth control (another topic I want to bring up at the MC) so that kind of holds me back as well. She sort of wants a kid but I'm late 40s (she's late 30s) and I have two kids in college so she was aware of what I was up to when we met eight years ago and I thought I knew what she was about but I guess we could communicate better.

 

There it is....

 

Cheat with them they'll cheat on you.

[analystfromhell]

I don't think she is remorseful, no sign of it anyway but I was expecting that kind of- seems like the norm from posts on here- deny and no remorse at least for a while. She said she was sorry but that's not remorse to me. I assume she's still in contact with the guy or will be eventually though if they go out together again it's obviously over. I'm going to put out feelers as well as I can in her office to see if I can find out anymore- she has fired a few people who I am guessing are disgruntled and might be willing to let me know what's going on at work.

[analystfromhell]

I guess, I figured it was a bit different than that. I have never been between girlfriends really though I view marriage as a much different situation. Cheating doesn't really bother me- I mean it does but primarily it's the lies and deception.

[David Cain]

I guess, I figured it was a bit different than that. I have never been between girlfriends really though I view marriage as a much different situation. Cheating doesn't really bother me- I mean it does but primarily it's the lies and deception.

 

So if it doesn't really bother you then why be here? Do you want an open marriage?

[analystfromhell]

No, that would be heart breaking. Cheating does bother me clearly as it's a violation of trust from the person you are married to. My point was in an open marriage sex must be a purely mechanical action with no consequences physical or mental. Otherwise who could bear the jealousy and competition which came with it? That's not what I want- I want a marriage with consequences- good ones which come from trust, love and lust. She changed her passwords this evening so we'll have to see what the MC recommendation on that is.

Edited July 19, 2011 by analystfromhell

[Summer Breeze]

Ahh no he wasn't. If he wanted it to stop he would've stopped replying to her responses, whether they were texts or calls. He's just as guilty as she is.

 

Sorry I think he is handling it well. He's making it clear he's not interested and giving her the opportunity to stop. I'd be willing to guess if she were to continue he'd stop it completely and tell her to back off and that he was done. If he were interested even remotely in her he wouldn't be writing in this manner.

 

I'll agree to disagree with you because the 'right' you see is your opinion and mine is my opinion.

[Summer Breeze]

Come on, dude. Look at how she's treating you. The shady behavior, no sex in years, fooling around with her coworker....

 

I don't see anything that shows she's remorseful.

 

DC we agree!

 

Analyst there is nothing she's doing that whispers she's remorseful. Nothing. You're a sucker if you waste another breath on her.

[Summer Breeze]

No, that would be heart breaking. Cheating does bother me clearly as it's a violation of trust from the person you are married to. My point was in an open marriage sex must be a purely mechanical action with no consequences physical or mental. Otherwise who could bear the jealousy and competition which came with it? That's not what I want- I want a marriage with consequences- good ones which come from trust, love and lust. She changed her passwords this evening so we'll have to see what the MC recommendation on that is.

 

What you NEED is a M with consequences - bad ones and all for her. She's playing you and you're just following her along like a good little boy. Kick her backside and let her know it's done. You're the standby prom date buddy. Go find someone else and take her to the dance. Ditch this chick.

[Richard Friedman]

No sex in years? Why do you do this to yourself man? Wasting the last of your youth. Late 30s women are usually raring to go...