Wifes Affair

[BigCat123]

About 3 months (March) ago, my wife of 6 years confessed to me that she had sexual intercourse on 3 occassions (July Sept & Nov) with a guy that was a mutual friend of ours. We would regularly go out with this guy and his wife. His wife decided to divorce him because she suspected him of being sexually involved with about 8 other women (they were married for 3 years). She had no proof but but his behavior was similar to that of a cheater. (My wife was closer friends to both of them than I was). Originally my wife told me that the other couple was getting a divorce. I asked why, and she said he was cheting on her. She then casually mentioned that there were "rumors" that my wife was having sex with this guy. I aksed are the rumors true and she denied them. I immediately began researching phone records and bank statements and reached out to this guys soon to be ex-wife. This guys ex said that she had no proof of sexual activity between the two but she was deeply suspicious. Bank account revealed nothing. Text messages were a different story. She would trade about 150 messages a month, all during the work day. For 2 days my wife denied everything (even after I showed her the messages). The 3rd day she finally came clean. She went to her pastor and confessed everything to him 1st and asked how to confess to me so that she could try to salvage our marriage. That evening I was shellshocked. Our marriage was very solid up until this happened. We had great communication. We had a great sex life. She catered to my every need and I hers. However, I couldn't believe that she would do this. She said that she was deeply ashamed and embarrassed by her actions and would do anything I asked to keep the marriage. She insists the sex was meaningless and that she never established an emotional connection with him. We have seen a counselor 5x. The counselor seems to think that this guy is a predator and a narcissist (i did some digging on the internet and found that twice he has been accused of inappropriate contact with a 15 & 16 year old - got off both times). She also seems to think that my wife has a codependent personalty and is easily influenced and manipulated. (This is my 1st marriage and my wifes 2nd). (Her 1st husband was very narcissistic and abusive as well - she was married to him for 6 years). My wife grew up in an alcoholic home with a somewhat abusive father. This all seems so unusal, my wife has a great personality and an awesome sales job where she earns a great income. My wife has answered every question I have asked except for 1) Why did you do this? She says she can't provide an explanation and does not know. She says that she has never cheated before and only been with 3 people (me her ex and now him - prior to our marriage she told me only 2 and I believed her then). Last night during one of our discussions, my wife told me that there really were no rumors floating around but that she felt guilty and was trying to subconsciencely make me aware of what happened. In May, her parents found out we were having issues, I let them know exactly what happened, my wife had a nervous breakdown and is now on a anti-depressant. All my wife says that she wants is my forgiveness. She says that she will begin feeling better when I feel better. Now about me. I have lost 22lbs (172 to 150). I was drinking heavily every night for the 1st month but have stopped all together until we are better. I still feel sad. I love my wife immensely but we now have trust issues (I now check phone records, miles driven, and websites like this). We have been checked for STD's and were ok. This guy and his ex are divorced. He never admitted anything to her - . I confronted him and he tearfully admitted it to me (how pathetic). It feels good to write some of this out but this has been the worst 3 months of my life. I have come to realize that I have 4 options:

1) Stay and forgive

2) Leave and forgive

3) Stay and not forgive

4) Leave and not forgive

I have children with her and I love her and this is the first time that she has hurt me - but it is in a big way. I get the feeling that she loves me for she has severed all contact with this guy and done everything I have asked. However I am struggling to forgive and understand how and why all of this happened.

[John Michael Kane]

About 3 months (March) ago, my wife of 6 years confessed to me that she had sexual intercourse on 3 occassions (July Sept & Nov) with a guy that was a mutual friend of ours. We would regularly go out with this guy and his wife. His wife decided to divorce him because she suspected him of being sexually involved with about 8 other women (they were married for 3 years). She had no proof but but his behavior was similar to that of a cheater. (My wife was closer friends to both of them than I was). Originally my wife told me that the other couple was getting a divorce. I asked why, and she said he was cheting on her. She then casually mentioned that there were "rumors" that my wife was having sex with this guy. I aksed are the rumors true and she denied them. I immediately began researching phone records and bank statements and reached out to this guys soon to be ex-wife. This guys ex said that she had no proof of sexual activity between the two but she was deeply suspicious. Bank account revealed nothing. Text messages were a different story. She would trade about 150 messages a month, all during the work day. For 2 days my wife denied everything (even after I showed her the messages). The 3rd day she finally came clean. She went to her pastor and confessed everything to him 1st and asked how to confess to me so that she could try to salvage our marriage. That evening I was shellshocked. Our marriage was very solid up until this happened. We had great communication. We had a great sex life. She catered to my every need and I hers. However, I couldn't believe that she would do this. She said that she was deeply ashamed and embarrassed by her actions and would do anything I asked to keep the marriage. She insists the sex was meaningless and that she never established an emotional connection with him. We have seen a counselor 5x. The counselor seems to think that this guy is a predator and a narcissist (i did some digging on the internet and found that twice he has been accused of inappropriate contact with a 15 & 16 year old - got off both times). She also seems to think that my wife has a codependent personalty and is easily influenced and manipulated. (This is my 1st marriage and my wifes 2nd). (Her 1st husband was very narcissistic and abusive as well - she was married to him for 6 years). My wife grew up in an alcoholic home with a somewhat abusive father. This all seems so unusal, my wife has a great personality and an awesome sales job where she earns a great income. My wife has answered every question I have asked except for 1) Why did you do this? She says she can't provide an explanation and does not know. She says that she has never cheated before and only been with 3 people (me her ex and now him - prior to our marriage she told me only 2 and I believed her then). Last night during one of our discussions, my wife told me that there really were no rumors floating around but that she felt guilty and was trying to subconsciencely make me aware of what happened. In May, her parents found out we were having issues, I let them know exactly what happened, my wife had a nervous breakdown and is now on a anti-depressant. All my wife says that she wants is my forgiveness. She says that she will begin feeling better when I feel better. Now about me. I have lost 22lbs (172 to 150). I was drinking heavily every night for the 1st month but have stopped all together until we are better. I still feel sad. I love my wife immensely but we now have trust issues (I now check phone records, miles driven, and websites like this). We have been checked for STD's and were ok. This guy and his ex are divorced. He never admitted anything to her - . I confronted him and he tearfully admitted it to me (how pathetic). It feels good to write some of this out but this has been the worst 3 months of my life. I have come to realize that I have 4 options:

1) Stay and forgive

2) Leave and forgive

3) Stay and not forgive

4) Leave and not forgive

I have children with her and I love her and this is the first time that she has hurt me - but it is in a big way. I get the feeling that she loves me for she has severed all contact with this guy and done everything I have asked. However I am struggling to forgive and understand how and why all of this happened.

 

She's a serial cheater and a pathological liar. Get your area tested and file for divorce. Kick her out and close all bank accounts.

[Steadfast]

About 3 months (March) ago, my wife of 6 years confessed to me that she had sexual intercourse on 3 occassions (July Sept & Nov) with a guy that was a mutual friend of ours.

 

I'm not sure what is worse; having your spouse cheat on you with someone you know, or someone you don't. My ex vigorously hid the identity of her affair partner(s), and I finally got her to admit it was because they (her lovers) feared the information could affect their careers. She met them at work, and the management apparently has strict rules about interaction.

 

Maybe there is no pain scale. Being betrayed is being betrayed. It all hurts.

 

...our marriage was very solid up until this happened.

Are you sure? My hunch is the problems are deeper than you realize.

 

She said that she was deeply ashamed and embarrassed by her actions and would do anything I asked to keep the marriage.

Your wife was unfaithful, but to be fair this is exactly what the straying spouse must say if there is to be any chance of repairing the relationship. Add in that she confessed (in a round-about way) and you are in a much different place than most men who face this issue. There are several wives on this forum who have successfully reconciled. They will have better information to offer on what your wife might be facing than I can give.

 

The counselor seems to think that this guy is a predator and a narcissist....my wife has answered every question I have asked except for 1) Why did you do this? She says she can't provide an explanation and does not know.

Respectfully, that is a lie. In my opinion, she's afraid to tell you the real reason she had sex with him; because she wanted to. It's that simple. Her fear is based on the fact that if you knew what she felt and how/what she really thought about you'd lose respect for her as a person and as a wife. Factor in more fear of damaging your ego if the hot, steamy details were released, and the following divorce would leave her with a lifetime of guilt and regret knowing she is something or someone she doesn't want to be.

 

As for your pastor's view, my take is while this slime's power of suggestion might have broken your wife's barriers down, the fact is, she decided to do it. She wanted it. No one talked her into it, instead, he simply said all the right things to meet her desires. This was a decision; not a 'mistake.'

 

In this way she is human. That's not justifying it, it's understanding it.

 

I have children with her and I love her and this is the first time that she has hurt me - but it is in a big way. I get the feeling that she loves me for she has severed all contact with this guy and done everything I have asked. However I am struggling to forgive and understand how and why all of this happened.

My advice would be; stop looking at this woman as your wife or (perhaps) your possession, and start seeing at her as a woman. Better yet, as a human being. No doubt she's messed up, willing to shift blame or cop a plea of insanity, but the key to her issues is getting to the root of not only why she cheated, but (more important to me) why she wanted to.

 

Marriages have survived this, but not many. The odds are against you. There is absolutely no chance healing this relationship if she doesn't come clean with the motive, cause and decision. The rest is yours to decide.

[Untouchable_Fire]

1) Stay and forgive

2) Leave and forgive

3) Stay and not forgive

4) Leave and not forgive

 

Which of these choices do you plan to make?

 

Once you pick the posters here can begin to provide solid advice.

[Kidd]

If you're considering reconciliation, get the book, "Surviving An Affair." and get it yesterday. You'll get the "why" very quickly.

[fltc]

I vote for option 5) Leave and *try* to forgive.

[Bryanp]

There is something not quite right about her story. Before you even consider trying again I would strongly suggest that you get her to take a polygraph. I think there may be more to this story than she has given you. Good luck.

[OldOnTheInside]

There is something not quite right about her story.

I concur...

 

Now since you don't know exactly what you should do, I would recommend that you create some space between you and your wife, so that you can clear your head and decide on how you wish to proceed. Essentially, you need to focus on your own mental and physical health first then focus on the marriage. If you are unsure of divorce or reconciliation, it is usually recommended that you wait at least six to eight months before making a decision. It's entirely up to you though. Nobody would blame you if you went with a divorce ASAP.

 

I do find it curious that you are seemingly victimising your wife. She did make the conscious decision to sleep with this other man on her own afterall.

[bigmomma1974]

only you know if you want to stay and save this marriage. Everyone is so quick to say once they cheat they always will. this isn't always the case but most times it is but not always. you want to know why she cheated and she should respect you enough to tell you. I do not agree with someone cheating on someone but I also cant tell someone that they would be better off leaving cause she is a cheater and she always will be. i don't know this and neither does anyone else. If you love your wife with everything you have and you want it to work then stay and try to make it work. If not then leave. is there ever any good reason someone cheats? no i do not think so but i dont hold all the answers either. If you think you can forgive your wife and make things work then I say go for it. However you have to learn how to forgive and regain her trust because once trust is lost its so hard to gain it back. reguardless of what you decide best luck to ya.

[OldOnTheInside]

Everyone is so quick to say once they cheat they always will. this isn't always the case but most times it is but not always.

 

Point is, if the OP doesn't want to find out, he shouldn't have to.

 

It's his life, not his wife's life.

[BigCat123]

At this time I am going to stay and try to work on my marriage and forgiveness. We have alredy read Surving an Affair. I am very hurt by what happened but I am still in love with her and we do have kids together. We are continuing to work at rebuilding our relationship and she is obviously wanting to move on. I dont want her to suffer or want any kind of revenge, I just want to feel better about myself, her and our relationship. I do believe that she is sorry (who wouldnt be) but that alone doesnt make me feel better.

[Steadfast]

I just want to feel better about myself, her and our relationship.

 

Who doesn't? That's the motivation for 99% of the people who visit this forum. Seeking answers, insight and advice that'll help them feel better.

 

I'm guessing what you read here didn't make you feel better. That's good, because the correct, long term cure for what's ailing your relationship isn't easy. Forgiving can only be done if she asks. Forgetting is impossible. No amount of sweeping it under the rug or warm fuzzy feelings will dig down to the cancerous root of your marriage. Cheating isn't only vaporizing someone's trust and stealing their peace of mind, it's downright abuse.

 

That why so many advise an exit.

 

It was 'feelings' that got you into this mess. They won't get you out. True love is a decision, not an emotion. The kind of love that sticks around...like the love and devotion you have for your children. In my opinion, no one who truly loves their spouse could ever cheat on them. That isn't top say people can't mature, recognize and correct behavior. They can...and have.

 

If you're a book reader, crack open Michelle Langley's 'Women's Infidelity'. It's a harsh read but (again, IMO) the best of its kind for understanding the modern woman and the issues they face. Most women I've noticed don't like the book, as it exposes many 'female' secrets and fears. It helped me.

 

Good luck to you, and here's hoping you won't ever need to visit again-

[Untouchable_Fire]

At this time I am going to stay and try to work on my marriage and forgiveness. We have alredy read Surving an Affair. I am very hurt by what happened but I am still in love with her and we do have kids together. We are continuing to work at rebuilding our relationship and she is obviously wanting to move on. I dont want her to suffer or want any kind of revenge, I just want to feel better about myself, her and our relationship. I do believe that she is sorry (who wouldnt be) but that alone doesnt make me feel better.

 

So you are going to stay? Good.

 

Can you forgive? Can SHE forgive?

 

Being sorry or remorseful is pointless. As you point out, "who wouldn't be?"... it didn't stop this from happening nor will that stop it from happening again.

 

You have a long hard road, best of luck to you!

[drifter777]

At this time I am going to stay and try to work on my marriage and forgiveness. We have alredy read Surving an Affair. I am very hurt by what happened but I am still in love with her and we do have kids together. We are continuing to work at rebuilding our relationship and she is obviously wanting to move on. I dont want her to suffer or want any kind of revenge, I just want to feel better about myself, her and our relationship. I do believe that she is sorry (who wouldnt be) but that alone doesnt make me feel better.

 

BC: I commend you for your determination to stay and work on your marriage. You already have a good start in that you are dealing openly with your emotions and not just compartmentalizing them and trying to seal them away. The education you are getting from books and forums like LS can be invaluable in helping guide you through the process. You haven't said whether you are seeing a counselor so I'll assume you are not. This is the first thing I always recommend a BS do for themselves because the feeling of being all alone to deal with something you don't understand can be overwhelming. A counselor can be of great help to you in dealing with the flood of emotions you are feeling as well as the practical side of things such as where to start with rebuilding trust.

 

The questions you ask and the confusion you demonstrate remind me very much of my reactions when my wife told me about her cheating. I chose to stay for the sake of my child, and I truly believed that if I could compartmentalize my feelings and stuff them way down in my mind that I could stay with her until the child was of college age and then I could walk away. Horrible plan; no chance this could work and caused me much more pain than if I had faced it head on and made a decision to stay and work on the marriage or walk away and start a new life.

 

Something else you need to accept, and that's just how hard reconciliation really is. Some of the common pitfalls are the complete lack of trust that you now have in your wife, the metal images of her and the OM, and your wife's desire to get this behind her that comes out in the form of "hey, get over it already". Any of these things can end up being a deal-breaker and make reconciliation impossible. If I had to name the single, most important factor in a successful reconciliation it would be that the WS takes full responsibility for the incident. And that means they don't say things like "yes, I cheated BUT..." - and then fill in some excuse that makes them feel better. I think this is so difficult because it is not possible to forgive someone who is not sorry, and a conditional apology is simply not an apology.

[2sure]

The options you listed are perfectly true and valid.

 

To me, you need to do a lot of self reflection and decide which option you want to go with. All are a risk, all require action and change.

 

Pick one and run with it.

 

My exH was the Predator in my experience with infidelity. Even so, leaving was not my first chosen option. He could not be fixed, he could not change, so I had to leave. But he was a serial cheater.

 

I dont know, it seems to me that someone who is at a vulnerable point in their lives - be it middle age, a disconnection of some kind, boredom...they sometimes make huge, hurtful, selfish, and damaging mistakes ...and for no good reason and sometimes for reasons they cant even figure out.

 

Its bad, its wrong...but nobody died.

 

If you choose to stay, you have to forgive her.

Because if you dont...you wont move on anyway.

[2sure]

[QUOTE=dale_gribble;3472075]"Its bad, its wrong...but nobody died." Not true... there have been cases where BS commits suicide- what about them.

 

In those cases somebody died obviously.

I was not speaking to anything but the original poster of the thread, who is clearly alive. Sorry I wasnt clear.

[whammy]

I think you need to see her as a human and know the truth about the nature of her sexual desires. I think the old school of thought about being a good husband is wrong. Being a understanding, dish doing, meal cooking, cuddly wuddly hubby doesnt make you a good husband. Being the man that your wife wants to get f*cked by makes you a good husband.

I can see by how easy it was for you to forgive/ make excuses for your wife as a clue that you are the beta provider type. Countless beta provider types are on message boards with stories like your own. How many alpha husbands get cheated on? not many. Your wife saw a man that gave out alpha vibes and she desired it.She wanted it and NOTHING matter more to her then f*cking him at the time. Hes cheated a bunch so it is obvious that many women wanted him. How many women want you? I think you need to read books and blogs on marriage game.

 

Here are some good places to start. Dont let anyone tell you different. They might say that the whole beta provider/ Alpha husband stuff it bullsh*t but it isnt. and this story will repeat its self over and over. How many men have found themselves crying into a bottle saying "but I gave her everything and this is how she repays me"

 

and part of being an alpha husband is making her earn you back. She needs to go. I dont mean you should leave her but she needs to be out of the house while you work on your self and see if she tries to earn you back. Im serious... you need to tell her you need space and SHE NEEDS TO GO! atleast for right now.

 

Here are some good places to start.

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

http://roissy.wordpress.com/

Edited June 23, 2011 by whammy

[BigCat123]

He was definately an alpha male. The funny thing is that I have never seen an alpha male act so pathetic when he found out his wife was leaving. The crying, begging and pleading that he did to try to get his ex to stay was unbelievable. I know all of this because his ex began contacting me regularly making me aware of everything he did. I think she was looking for a little more than friendship, so after about a month I told her that we should not talk anymore. I have always considered myself an alpha male and feel like I could leave and find someone else (hell I probably could have had this guys wife) also I am not afraid of being alone. The truth is I still love my wife, I am just very disappointed in her actions and her judgment. I think the poster that said we have a long road ahead is correct. The obstacles that were mentioned in the post are the obstacles that we are encountering. We have seen a counselor about 5X (not sure that I am benefiting much). My wife is very remorseful and sheds tears over this several times a week. She says all of the right things (of course she said all of the right things while she was with OM). Trust is a huge issue I am sure it will take a long time to rebuild and I am not sure that I will ever have the same amount that I had before.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Trust is a huge issue I am sure it will take a long time to rebuild and I am not sure that I will ever have the same amount that I had before.

 

Isn't Trust the easy part? It just takes time and some effort to rebuild the trust... just like rebuilding a credit score.

 

To my mind the most difficult part will be the respect. Being cheated on is the most god awful slap in the face ever! Women do not cheat on men they respect. Am I right?

[Mz. Pixie]

"She insists the sex was meaningless and that she never established an emotional connection with him."- I don't understand... then why did she keep on going back? This is what I will never understand. If it wasn't fulfilling- then why continue?

 

I will give you the answer. For most women it is truly not about the sex. I know as a man you believe that it is because that is the level you feel it at but let me explain. For alot of women-it starts with the man giving you attention you are not getting at home- or different attention than what you are getting-you like it-you are sopping it up like gravy with a biscuit. With the OM-he is not going to continue to lay out the texts, phone calls and flirting without the payoff of sex-and you know it in your brain-so eventually you move to that next level to keep the part that you want-which is the part that is making you feel good to begin with. Then perhaps you keep that up to keep getting the gratification you want-the attention-the flirting-the fun part.

 

I am not saying that is it in every case but I think it is the case with most-it was for me.

[Entropy3000]

I find it a funny thing... the Alpha... the Beta. For me, its easy: either your a pussy; or your not- PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

 

Rather than say there are shades of gray it is probably more true to say that all men are some combination of Alpha and Beta. They show traits. That said one of the other is usually the dominant trait. In which case you can make that call.

 

Anyway, a true Alpha would never waste their time in getting married. So then it flows that all men who are married as pu$$ies.

 

It is considered Alpha for example to get as much sex as you can. But Beta to actually be able to please a woman. So in that way a pure Alpha is pretty inadequate and pretty much a pu$$y too. So if an Alpha male hooks up often AND can please a woman he actually has a great combination of Alpha and Beta skills.

Edited June 24, 2011 by Entropy3000

[whammy]

Women do not cheat on men they respect.

 

that is a universal truth

[whammy]

He was definately an alpha male. The funny thing is that I have never seen an alpha male act so pathetic when he found out his wife was leaving. The crying, begging and pleading that he did to try to get his ex to stay was unbelievable. I know all of this because his ex began contacting me regularly making me aware of everything he did. I think she was looking for a little more than friendship, so after about a month I told her that we should not talk anymore. I have always considered myself an alpha male and feel like I could leave and find someone else (hell I probably could have had this guys wife) also I am not afraid of being alone. The truth is I still love my wife, I am just very disappointed in her actions and her judgment. I think the poster that said we have a long road ahead is correct. The obstacles that were mentioned in the post are the obstacles that we are encountering. We have seen a counselor about 5X (not sure that I am benefiting much). My wife is very remorseful and sheds tears over this several times a week. She says all of the right things (of course she said all of the right things while she was with OM). Trust is a huge issue I am sure it will take a long time to rebuild and I am not sure that I will ever have the same amount that I had before.

 

 

To be honest if I was you, I would have f*cked that dudes wife. Probably a bunch of times. Even if I was trying to reconcile my marriage... that actually would have been part of my strategy...and it probably would have worked in your favor in terms of your wife seeing you as a desirable man again...