Divorce and leaving with OW now, or staying in loveless marriage and leaving later

[Stuck in Vertigo]

Okay everyone, here's my story...

 

About 3 years ago my wife told me she was having an affair with her boss. As you can imagine, I went through hell for the next few months. I was always loyal and trusting of her throughout the marriage. I really did love her.

 

The wife did show me that she was willing to try and work on our marriage by quitting her job, going to MC, and being completely open and honest. She was willing to do anything for my forgiveness, and we both wanted the marriage to survive. I thought that we were able to work everything out and that I able to move on from this situation. For quite a few reasons, I doubt she is still having an affair in the present.

 

So a year ago I had a bit of an epiphany. I hadn't forgiven my wife, I doubt that I could ever forgive her, and I didn't love her anymore. To be honest, I don't really see her as my wife anymore. I haven't told her this yet. As far as I am aware, she thinks that everything is normal. All the hugs and kisses, and "I love you"s are artificial on my part.

 

I have been considering divorce for a while now, but there are a few things that are stopping me. I have an 11 year old son that I really don't want to put in that situation. I've been reading up on some books and articles, and talking to a few friends about this subject and it seems like I would be placing a lot of stress and hurt on his shoulders that could wait until he is older. For more selfish reasons, I despise the idea of becoming a weekend Dad, which my divorce lawyer tells me is likely. I think it would kill me, if my son started calling another man "Dad". I know that if I divorced my wife, I would end up hemorrhaging money, and losing the house. Maybe I'm just procrastinating.

 

I've also gotten into what I guess is an exit affair over the past few months. I've been close friends with a female co-worker for around 14 years. Out of respect and love for my wife, I never would have crossed any lines with the co-worker. Now that the respect and love is gone, things are different. We haven't done anything physical yet but I do care about the OW more than my own wife.

 

I have every intention of leaving my wife for the OW. My dilemma is whether I should just bite the bullet and get a divorce now or wait until my son is older and more independent, which could take 7 or 8 years.

 

I feel incredibly lost right now, and could really use some advice.

[whichwayisup]

You don't want another man to be step"daddy" to your child, yet you plan on leaving your wife for the OW..The OW who WILL be step "mommy" to your child. It's okay for another woman to step in, but not another man?

 

Look, either go back to MC and fix this or divorce now. Don't leave your wife for someone else. Chances are, once the novelity of the OW wears off, you become single you wont' want to be tied down and into something so serious. What if the OW wants to marry you immediately and is expecting you to have more kids?

[Silly_Girl]

I don't think 'waiting it out' works. I know someone who tried that and it got messy as hell.

 

WWIU is right. You need to commit FULLY to a path. A foot in each camp will do you no good. Have you tried professional help and support with your marriage? Sounds like things weren't half bad before... Worth a good try... If you're thinking of messing around for 7 or 8 years, what would devoting a year to marriage counselling and family life hurt?

 

Your son may be affected by a split, but being around parents who don't love and respect one another is not the healthiest option either...

[bloppy]

Tell your wife the truth & end it.

 

Why is it so hard for people to truth?

[bentnotbroken]

Okay everyone, here's my story...

 

About 3 years ago my wife told me she was having an affair with her boss. As you can imagine, I went through hell for the next few months. I was always loyal and trusting of her throughout the marriage. I really did love her.

 

The wife did show me that she was willing to try and work on our marriage by quitting her job, going to MC, and being completely open and honest. She was willing to do anything for my forgiveness, and we both wanted the marriage to survive. I thought that we were able to work everything out and that I able to move on from this situation. For quite a few reasons, I doubt she is still having an affair in the present.

 

So a year ago I had a bit of an epiphany. I hadn't forgiven my wife, I doubt that I could ever forgive her, and I didn't love her anymore. To be honest, I don't really see her as my wife anymore. I haven't told her this yet. As far as I am aware, she thinks that everything is normal. All the hugs and kisses, and "I love you"s are artificial on my part.

 

I have been considering divorce for a while now, but there are a few things that are stopping me. I have an 11 year old son that I really don't want to put in that situation. I've been reading up on some books and articles, and talking to a few friends about this subject and it seems like I would be placing a lot of stress and hurt on his shoulders that could wait until he is older. For more selfish reasons, I despise the idea of becoming a weekend Dad, which my divorce lawyer tells me is likely. I think it would kill me, if my son started calling another man "Dad". I know that if I divorced my wife, I would end up hemorrhaging money, and losing the house. Maybe I'm just procrastinating.

 

I've also gotten into what I guess is an exit affair over the past few months. I've been close friends with a female co-worker for around 14 years. Out of respect and love for my wife, I never would have crossed any lines with the co-worker. Now that the respect and love is gone, things are different. We haven't done anything physical yet but I do care about the OW more than my own wife.

 

I have every intention of leaving my wife for the OW. My dilemma is whether I should just bite the bullet and get a divorce now or wait until my son is older and more independent, which could take 7 or 8 years.

 

I feel incredibly lost right now, and could really use some advice.

 

 

Leave now before your child can figure out that you decided that your life was more important than his and his mother's. The martyr syndrome does not breed respect but something akin to disgust.

[SidLyon]

Okay everyone, here's my story...

 

About 3 years ago my wife told me she was having an affair with her boss. As you can imagine, I went through hell for the next few months. I was always loyal and trusting of her throughout the marriage. I really did love her.

 

The wife did show me that she was willing to try and work on our marriage by quitting her job, going to MC, and being completely open and honest. She was willing to do anything for my forgiveness, and we both wanted the marriage to survive. I thought that we were able to work everything out and that I able to move on from this situation. For quite a few reasons, I doubt she is still having an affair in the present.

 

So a year ago I had a bit of an epiphany. I hadn't forgiven my wife, I doubt that I could ever forgive her, and I didn't love her anymore. To be honest, I don't really see her as my wife anymore. I haven't told her this yet. As far as I am aware, she thinks that everything is normal. All the hugs and kisses, and "I love you"s are artificial on my part.

 

I have been considering divorce for a while now, but there are a few things that are stopping me. I have an 11 year old son that I really don't want to put in that situation. I've been reading up on some books and articles, and talking to a few friends about this subject and it seems like I would be placing a lot of stress and hurt on his shoulders that could wait until he is older. For more selfish reasons, I despise the idea of becoming a weekend Dad, which my divorce lawyer tells me is likely. I think it would kill me, if my son started calling another man "Dad". I know that if I divorced my wife, I would end up hemorrhaging money, and losing the house. Maybe I'm just procrastinating.

 

I've also gotten into what I guess is an exit affair over the past few months. I've been close friends with a female co-worker for around 14 years. Out of respect and love for my wife, I never would have crossed any lines with the co-worker. Now that the respect and love is gone, things are different. We haven't done anything physical yet but I do care about the OW more than my own wife.

 

I have every intention of leaving my wife for the OW. My dilemma is whether I should just bite the bullet and get a divorce now or wait until my son is older and more independent, which could take 7 or 8 years.

 

I feel incredibly lost right now, and could really use some advice.

 

I'm sorry to hear you wife was unfaithful. I know how hard this is.

 

I always advocate honesty with the other parties involved in the triangle, no matter on which point of the triangle you are. You are both a BH and now a WH (and MM).

 

I have been on 2 sides of the triangle but I still don't really understand why people cannot just be honest.

Edited May 14, 2011 by SidLyon

[whichwayisup]

About 3 years ago my wife told me she was having an affair with her boss

 

Suggesting you come clean, confess your A with the OW, like your wife confessed to you in the past about her affair.

[D-Lish]

That's an awful situation for everyone to be in.

 

I don't blame you for not being able to recover after the affair- that's a hard pill to swallow, and I couldn't imagine myself ever being able to reconcile with being cheated on.

 

I'd bite the bullet and leave. Do you really want to invest yourself in another 11 years of being unhappy and unsatisfied? That's quite a ridiculous endeavour if you ask me.

[John Michael Kane]

Leave now before your child can figure out that you decided that your life was more important than his and his mother's.

 

She decided her life was more important than her son and husband also. They're both in the wrong.

[bentnotbroken]

She decided her life was more important than her son and husband also. They're both in the wrong.

 

 

We agree on that. He stayed and played the "I can get over it game". He was the one trying to be the stan up parent. NOW he is adding to the mess and confusion that child will feel. Everyone assumes older kids do better...they do not. Ask a psychologist, a pediatrician or the kid themselves. My kids were older. I went to a parenting class to help them deal with the divorce. The stats show older kids really do have a harder time adjusting and act out more in destructive ways to deal with the mess. Step up and move out. Don't sink to the level of the wife.

[crazycatlady]

I think what the OP is doing is rather scummy. I doubt he had his epiphany until the OW showed up. Funny, he is doing the exact thing his wife did...only his is worse IMO because he KNOWS how much it hurts. And his is worse because he is considering lying to everyone for the next 7 or 8 years so he doesn't have to think about his wife finding someone new (jealous much?). I don't believe for an instant that he's worried about his kid calling some other man daddy. Sorry, kids of that age will not call a new step parent mom or dad. Actually, I can't think of a single step kid that I know who calls their step parent mom or dad except for the occassional brownie points calls (but then I call my mother in law Mom because I know it makes her feel good, but she doesn't replace my mom)

 

Do everyone a favor and divorce your wife. Stop lying to her, stop lying to yourself, stop lying to the kid.

[Irishlove]

I stayed in a loveless marriage for the sake of a marriage and I was miserable and the children knew it. Don't leave because of the OW. Leave because it's sincerely over.

 

If you date the other woman that find. The younger your children the better they will adjust.

 

I wish you luck my friend Good luck:love:

[love4me2c]

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT develop anything further with this woman. All you would do is be unfaithful like your wife if you go any further. Two wrongs do not make a right. Take my advice on this. I have been where you are and made the mistake you are about to make. You can read my previous posts on this subject. It is the biggest regret of my life and I mean that wholeheartedly.

 

You already know how wrong what you are doing is and how you felt when it happened to you. Personally, I think you are using this woman, subconsciously, to get back at your wife for what she did to you. I understand not being able to accept continuing your marriage. Some people can overcome it and others can't. I also could not.

 

PLEASE, PLEASE do not continue down this road without separating first. Sometimes, a separation away from those things that trigger your anger - like your wife or your environment with your wife- is needed to recover your sanity and move past the anger. There is nothing wrong with that. I know it helped me tremendously to remove myself from the environment where all of the pain occurred. It was just a constant memory I couldn't handle.

 

Also, since you've weighed some of the options available to you, there appears to be more PROS to stay in your marriage versus leaving it. For you, separation while continuing marriage counseling with your wife, leaving the STBOW behind for now is probably your best option. Leaving behind = limited contact with this other woman. Since you work together, it sounds like you can't go "no contact" which would be the ideal situation.

[LilyBart]

Also, since you've weighed some of the options available to you, there appears to be more PROS to stay in your marriage versus leaving it. For you, separation while continuing marriage counseling with your wife, leaving the STBOW behind for now is probably your best option. Leaving behind = limited contact with this other woman. Since you work together, it sounds like you can't go "no contact" which would be the ideal situation.

 

Stuck - I will tell you this much. If you don't make a decision now (ie. stay M or get D) one will be made for you.

 

I don't know if your OW is single but if she is, she's going to want things to move along. Relationships need to expand or contract. If it contracts, it means it's over.

 

I can pretty much guarantee you that she WILL NOT stick around for 7-8 years, "waiting" for your son to grow up. She has a life to lead and wants a man to share it with.

 

And don't even bother giving her the line "money, kid, etc" as to why you can't divorce because you will automatically fall into the cliche of parroting out of the mythical MM handbook.

 

If you really mean what you say, "I do care about the OW more than my own wife. I have every intention of leaving my wife for the OW." you will have to PROVE IT to her.

 

While I agree with separating, I DO NOT agree that "leaving behind your OW" is the best course of action. Your OW will see this as you not being sure and waffling about your decision. I doubt you want this.

 

If you truly love this woman, think you can have a phenomenal life with her, YOU BITE THE BULLET, get divorced and get on with your happy life!

 

Money is just money. Children are resilient. Happiness on the other hand? You should grab it when it's in front of you and never let go.

[TMCM]

Why is your marriage sexless?

[Woman In Blue]

I think what the OP is doing is rather scummy. I doubt he had his epiphany until the OW showed up.

LOL...yup. Funny how these epiphanies don't happen until you need to justify something, ain't it?

 

How pitiful - you're going to leave "for" the OW? She's a friend from work with whom you haven't even been intimate, and you're going to "leave" for her?

 

I think you should go do some digging in the linen closet until you find your testicals. Once you locate them, blow the dust off them, slap them back on, and start acting like a man instead of a weasel. Tell your wife you're leaving because you've had an "epiphany" long AFTER she did all the hard work of reconciling with you after her affair. Not being able to get over infidelity is a fair reason to leave a marriage.

 

Susie from Accounting, however, is NOT.

[Woman In Blue]

If you truly love this woman, think you can have a phenomenal life with her, YOU BITE THE BULLET, get divorced and get on with your happy life!

 

Money is just money. Children are resilient. Happiness on the other hand? You should grab it when it's in front of you and never let go.

LOL.

 

I think these 2 paragraphs contain just about every justification an OW can spew for why she should get her 'man' in the end.

 

"Forget the money" and "the kid will bounce back" - because it's all about he and the OW's "happiness," right? Jesus.

[TMCM]

Grow a pair and inform your wife about your affair. Who knows? She may relieve you of that 'heavy burden' of deciding whether to divorce her or not, by she doing it for YOU.

[TMCM]

Don't tell your wife now. Wait until the kid is older. Why lose all your money, your house, and be stuck as a weekend dad, paying child support and alimony? You are going to wreck your life, all because your wife decided to cheat. Screw that.

 

Don't listen to the cackling hens on this board. They know nothing and do not care about your well being, or that telling your wife will wreck your life. They are not experts in anything but sitting around pretending to be experts on this board. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM!

 

Why should you think of her, because some dumb anonymous woman (or sissified man), pretending to be an expert on an internet message board, tells you to?

 

So what are your credentials that qualify you for giving advise?

[Spark1111]

Don't tell your wife now. Wait until the kid is older. Why lose all your money, your house, and be stuck as a weekend dad, paying child support and alimony? You are going to wreck your life, all because your wife decided to cheat. Screw that.

 

Don't listen to the cackling hens on this board. They know nothing and do not care about your well being, or that telling your wife will wreck your life. They are not experts in anything but sitting around pretending to be experts on this board. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM!

 

There is only one person who has your best interests at heart. YOU! Have some fun on the side (be very careful to not get caught) and when you son is older, get rid of the cheating wifey baggage. It will be better for your son, you will not become a distant weekend dad and hopefully you won't lose most of your money in the process.

 

Even if you do get caught, you will lose your house and money. Nothing will be made better by telling your wife now. The angry hens on this board think you owe your wife some kind of honesty. How honest was she when she was accepting man juice behind your back? She deserves and has earned nothing from you.

 

Go have some fun. You deserve it. Make some plans now to secretly stash some money away, in the next few years, so when you do leave, you have money she cannot find to steal.

 

Or, you could tell her now, move into some one bedroom shack of an apartment, pay alimony, pay lawyers thousands, become a weekend dad, and watch your son's life go through hell. Is it worth it to "do the right thing?" Your wife wasn't thinking of anyone, when she spread her filthy legs for another man. Why should you think of her, because some dumb anonymous woman (or sissified man), pretending to be an expert on an internet message board, tells you to?

 

Yes! Fix NOTHING! Have fun! Think only of yourself!

 

And then you too will be like your wife, unrespected and unloved.

 

But if nothing else, you will have a very clear idea on why your wife did as she did and perhaps you will find some forgiveness in your heart as you realize.....it may be dishonest and unfair and deceptive...but it sure feels good.

[Stuck in Vertigo]

Alright, I've contacted my divorce lawyer and he will see what he can do by the end of the week. I agree that staying with the wife for 8 or 9 years is not realistic.

 

Thanks.

[Spark1111]

Alright, I've contacted my divorce lawyer and he will see what he can do by the end of the week. I agree that staying with the wife for 8 or 9 years is not realistic.

 

Thanks.

 

 

And when do you intend to inform your wife so that she too can plan her future?

[Stuck in Vertigo]

And when do you intend to inform your wife so that she too can plan her future?

 

When all the legal bases have been covered for myself and my son. What can I say, I don't think it would be a good idea to walk over eggshells for my wife, after what she has done to me.

[Sazerac]

And when do you intend to inform your wife so that she too can plan her future?

 

I'm pretty sure she "planned her future" when she had the affair. He owes her nothing, other than a clean exit.

[crazycatlady]

When all the legal bases have been covered for myself and my son. What can I say, I don't think it would be a good idea to walk over eggshells for my wife, after what she has done to me.

 

She has attempted to recover the M with you in good faith while you have engaged in an EA and are lying to her on a regular basis. You are no better then she. You are still lying to her. And have been lying for over a year. So what about what you are doing to her? Pot meet Kettle.