Affairs aren't worth the pain or trouble

[weedsandposies]

It's been a long, tiring road but I have finally grown up. Although still in pain.

 

A couple of months ago I put up a post in this forum and got a very unexpected response. You guys were harsh, borderline cruel. But if it wasn't for the responses I may be in a very ugly position right now.

 

Two weeks ago I officially ended an 8 month affair with my ex from a decade ago, however I haven't seen him for almost 2 months. The affair was a terribly emotional ride for me. One that I needed to mature. And learn to appreciate my husband and the life I have with him.

 

lesson learned. If I ever feel like ending my marriage, I will be honest with my husband first. I still cry every day. I miss OM but mostly guilt. There was a night when I had to sleep in a different room so my husband doesn't hear my sobbing. Infidelity is an immature, selfish, evil act that makes you MISERABLE. People who do it have no conscience and might be masochists.

 

Not one day I spent with OM was worth either the sex or company.

 

So thanks.

[Bigsmoke]

Have you informed your husband?

[weedsandposies]

Have you informed your husband?

 

I'm not insane, so no I haven't. Besides we were seperated when it started.

[SoulStorm]

I'm not insane

 

That will be determined when he finds out on his own. Be prepared to answer for what you will claim insanity for ( the affair)..since you say you are not insane.

You will say.."he won't find out" How do you know? You are not the only one who knows.

Maybe OM will get vindictive..maybe some evidence will turn up down the road.

Maybe it will slip from you when you put down your guard of keeping it a secret.

No matter though..your marriage will be doomed. Doomed because you will carry this secret that over time will make you miserable..unless you are a sociopath.

 

Your BH will never be able to know the real you because you will have this secret. Then he will not know who you are once the secret gets out.

There have been people on here married for 20 years or more, but found out their spouse cheated within the first 5 years of the marriage. Everything after the cheating not being revealed has made the marriage a lie to the betrayed one. 20 yrs with 15 plus of it being a lie.

 

You may be successful and keep it a secret to your grave...but that will only prove how selfish you are. You would rather die than let your BH know what kind of marriage he is in.

 

That is not only selfish...but reeks of insanity.

Good luck with that

[TMCM]

You really dont love your husband as you profess to do.

 

Sure your guity conscience is tormenting you but in a couple of years you'll again have another affair.

 

You are a fraud who passes herself as a faithful wife to her husband. Ironically your OM knows more about the real you than your husband ever will.

 

Manipulating a spouse to stay via lies and secrets IS EVIL.

[What_Next]

Wow, absolutely amazing. Your seflishness and cake eating behavior knows little bounds it seems. Absolutely amazing .

 

Please, please, please divorce your husband or at least give him the oppurtunity to divorce you like you so deserve.

 

TMCM, you've nailed it.

 

Gobsmacked!

[wheelwright]

It's been a long, tiring road but I have finally grown up. Although still in pain.

 

A couple of months ago I put up a post in this forum and got a very unexpected response. You guys were harsh, borderline cruel. But if it wasn't for the responses I may be in a very ugly position right now.

 

Two weeks ago I officially ended an 8 month affair with my ex from a decade ago, however I haven't seen him for almost 2 months. The affair was a terribly emotional ride for me. One that I needed to mature. And learn to appreciate my husband and the life I have with him.

 

lesson learned. If I ever feel like ending my marriage, I will be honest with my husband first. I still cry every day. I miss OM but mostly guilt. There was a night when I had to sleep in a different room so my husband doesn't hear my sobbing. Infidelity is an immature, selfish, evil act that makes you MISERABLE. People who do it have no conscience and might be masochists.

 

Not one day I spent with OM was worth either the sex or company.

 

So thanks.

 

I'm sorry you made this kind of mistake with your A. I hope better things are to come.

 

Occasionally I feel like that about xMOM. Probably about 200 seconds out of the week. Usually when I'm getting p**sed off that I'm still thinking about him after two years.

 

I think a mixture of love and guilt is heady. I hope you take on something better in the way you think about it in the future. Like you learnt something deep about why you were a masochist. Or why you want to say you are one.

 

If you really think you were a masochist, it may be that your current self-doubt and hatred is more of the same?

 

I don't think hating yourself after an A is good.

 

I think it is OK to feel what you felt and what you feel. But if you are examining self-hatred, don't stop short at the A. And start thinking about ways to make sense of what you feel, instead of feeling bad.

[coffeeaddict]

I agree with the previous three posters before the last one.

 

Your husband has a right to know, and that's the bottom line. You speak much of how you feel, but what about how your husband feels, what about his rights? Marriage is a two way street, you're not the only one who's important. He doesn't even have the opportunity to feel emotion about it, he's just walking around playing your husband as though nothing happened, playing the fool for you.

 

The foundation of marriage is two people committing to each other, and by having sex with another man you betrayed that commitment, you weren't faithful to him. By refusing to reveal to him that this occurred, you're forcing him to live a lie. Assuming that he's never cheated himself, the lie is that he's being faithful to you on the basis that you were faithful to him, unbeknownst to the fact that you weren't, because you control that information.

 

You can create a lot of reasons for it like, "I love him too much to hurt him" or "It's best for him because he's happy," but it's just self deception. We all tell ourselves things to make ourselves feel better about bad situations, it's Human. The real reason you don't tell him is because it makes things more difficult for you. It makes you look bad, and it makes your life get much rockier. You stand to benefit from concealing it, and you stand to lose from revealing it. Thus you make a calculated decision, an intellectual decision, not an emotional one based on love.

 

In essence, you have no respect for him. You can claim to have respect for him, but your actions demonstrate that you don't. By denying him the right to know that his wife was unfaithful to him, because it makes your life more difficult, you are disrespecting him, and this is not an expression of love, it's an expression of selfishness. You are saying "He doesn't have a right to know! He will remain oblivious to this because I'm in control!" and that is disrespectful of him, both as a man, as a Human being, and as your husband.

 

It's basically an extension of the same behavior that caused the cheating (In my opinion). Not telling someone that you betrayed him or her because you don't think they have a right to know, is as disrespectful if not more disrespectful than betraying them in the first place. You say that people who commit infidelity don't have a conscience. Well, here's the definition of the word:

 

con·science

noun \ˈkän(t)-shən(t)s\

Definition of CONSCIENCE

1

a : the sense or consciousness of the moral goodness or blameworthiness of one's own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good b : a faculty, power, or principle enjoining good acts c : the part of the superego in psychoanalysis that transmits commands and admonitions to the ego

2

archaic : consciousness

3

: conformity to what one considers to be correct, right, or morally good : conscientiousness

 

"together with a feeling of obligation to do right"

 

"Conformity to what one considers to be correct, right, or morally good."

 

Is refusing to tell your husband that you had sex with another man right and morally good. Or is it wrong and morally bad?

 

You'll probably call that harsh, but I think it's simply the truth. There's that old saying, "The truth is a bitter pill to swallow."

 

If you tell him all the things you told us, how affairs are foolish and meaningless and empty and how your marriage is so much more valuable, perhaps he'll forgive you. If he doesn't forgive you and leaves you, you'll have learned an important lesson and you can go to sleep with the knowledge that you're an honest person. But if you don't tell him, then you'll always be that cheater, you'll always be that person you so despise, and I think that's the hardest path of all. You say you've "grown up," I think that remains to be seen.

Edited April 26, 2011 by coffeeaddict

[TMCM]

Besides we were seperated when it started.

 

The purpose of a separation is for a married couple to be temporarily apart from one another in order to evaluate the continuation or dissolution of their marriage, NOT to live like single people engaging in sexual or romantic relationships with others as they please. Under a separation, you are STILL a married woman.

 

I can understand a married person feeling lonely under a separation, and even falling for a ONS, but what you did was to engage in a continuous PA (physical affair). You tried to minimize the seriousness of your affair by making it clear that the OM was nothing more than a sex toy that was "helping your marriage" implying that your husband was unable to satisfy your sexual needs. All of this while having reconciliation talks with your husband.

 

You have unresolved sexual needs/issues that your husband is totally unaware of and unless you totally confess your affair, it's only a matter of time before you will engage in another affair(s).

 

If you truly love your husband you will hide nothing from him. YOU KNOW that he has as much right, as you, to decide whether or not to continue with the marriage.

 

As it stands right now, your marriage is nothing more than a cesspool of secrecy.

[Memphis Raines]

lesson learned. If I ever feel like ending my marriage, I will be honest with my husband first.

 

but you just don't feel the need to be honest with him now.

 

and hey, did ya ever think any more of that idea you had to start another affair to get away from the one with your X?

 

Sorry, you haven't learned a thing, and your husband still deserves much better.

[John Michael Kane]

It's been a long, tiring road but I have finally grown up. Although still in pain.

 

You haven't changed one bit from your actions and you're refusing to because you know you're wrong. The only who's in pain is your husband. He just doesn't know it yet.

 

A couple of months ago I put up a post in this forum and got a very unexpected response. You guys were harsh, borderline cruel. But if it wasn't for the responses I may be in a very ugly position right now.

 

Those people weren't harsh and you know it. They spoke the truth to your lies.

 

Two weeks ago I officially ended an 8 month affair with my ex from a decade ago, however I haven't seen him for almost 2 months. The affair was a terribly emotional ride for me. One that I needed to mature. And learn to appreciate my husband and the life I have with him.

 

It obviously was a good ride to you if you kept riding the OM for 8 months. If you honestly appreciated not only you're husband, but everything you have, you would've divorced him before cheating.

 

lesson learned.

 

The real lesson will be learned when your husband finds out or if you actually grow a conscience, tell him ASAP.

 

 

If I ever feel like ending my marriage, I will be honest with my husband first.

 

Your marriage ended the day you decided to have an affair with your ex. If you still want to be honest, you'd do something good for a change and tell your husband so he can decide whether he wants to stay with a cheater or find a real woman.

 

I still cry every day. I miss OM but mostly guilt. There was a night when I had to sleep in a different room so my husband doesn't hear my sobbing.

 

Aww isn't that sweet.

 

Infidelity is an immature, selfish, evil act that makes you MISERABLE. People who do it have no conscience and might be masochists.

 

You are quite right about yourself.

 

Not one day I spent with OM was worth either the sex or company.

 

You haven't learned your lesson yet, honey.

[John Michael Kane]

I'm not insane, so no I haven't. Besides we were seperated when it started.

 

That doesn't excuse you destroying your marriage.

[martini-mae]

Why if you were separated do you consider dating someone an Affair?

I know of separated people that date all the time. Being apart from your significant other even if the word is separation, is still just that.

Some may go on to divorce, others may work it out. You were still separated at the time. I don't see any reason why you should tell your husband - or - for him to tell you anything he did during the separation.

[dreamingoftigers]

You know what?

 

Are you ever going to do it again? No. Good.

 

As a BS at this point in the road I think that it isn't worth putting your husband through the misery and the sobbing and the puking just to ease your conscience. Live with your mistake. Suck it up.

 

Own your decision to either hide it or disclose it but just don't ever trickle-truth him. EVER.

 

Let it be a beacon to your character and if he ever asks tell the damn truth.

[OldOnTheInside]

What have you really learnt from this experience? There's all that stuff from your first post that suggests that you're a stronger and smarter person for the experience, than there is that second post...

 

So...

 

"Once a cheater always a cheater." Is it true? Not necessarily. But reading stories like this is a good way to strengthen your inner pessimist.

[TurboGirl]

It's been a long, tiring road but I have finally grown up. Although still in pain.

 

A couple of months ago I put up a post in this forum and got a very unexpected response. You guys were harsh, borderline cruel. But if it wasn't for the responses I may be in a very ugly position right now.

 

Two weeks ago I officially ended an 8 month affair with my ex from a decade ago, however I haven't seen him for almost 2 months. The affair was a terribly emotional ride for me. One that I needed to mature. And learn to appreciate my husband and the life I have with him.

 

lesson learned. If I ever feel like ending my marriage, I will be honest with my husband first. I still cry every day. I miss OM but mostly guilt. There was a night when I had to sleep in a different room so my husband doesn't hear my sobbing. Infidelity is an immature, selfish, evil act that makes you MISERABLE. People who do it have no conscience and might be masochists.

 

Not one day I spent with OM was worth either the sex or company.

 

So thanks.

 

Please do not tell your H. If you are back together and sincerely want to work things through, why add even more pain by telling you H - think you have problems now? That will compound it. I was advised by a therapist not to tell my H, just to make myself guilt free. Especially since you have decided to give your 100% to your marriage. Put the A behind you and work hard on your relationship with your H. Ignore the hateful remarks.

[SoulStorm]

Please do not tell your H. If you are back together and sincerely want to work things through, why add even more pain by telling you H - think you have problems now? That will compound it. I was advised by a therapist not to tell my H, just to make myself guilt free. Especially since you have decided to give your 100% to your marriage. Put the A behind you and work hard on your relationship with your H. Ignore the hateful remarks.

That's really smart TurboGirl..How many marriages have you saved this way?

 

Let me give you a rundown

 

Benefits of not telling

 

1. You get to deceive your spouse

 

2. Your spouse thinks they are in a relationship of trust and integrity when they are actually being lied to

 

3. You have committed one of the worse crimes ever to a relationship and you choose to disrespect your spouse further by keeping them in the dark.

 

4. You are robbing your spouse to make a decision that directly affects their life of whether they want to stay with a cheater or not.

5. you are keeping them in the dark about whether or not they have been exposed to an STD

 

6. Ultimately the guilt will get to you and you will express this in some form. You will have to always keep some sort of guard up..therefore your spouse will never know the real you.

 

7. You have to constantly make sure your affair partner doesn't tell his or her friends they have been sleeping with a married person whose spouse is unaware of the situation.

8. You live in fear that you may be caught or exposed

9. You have little integrity as a human being which shows you have flawed character when you wish to deceive someone you claim to love

10.You are showing the ultimate disrespect to someone who is working to make a better life(if they are) for you and your family.

 

 

Benefits of telling

 

1. Your spouse gets to make an informed decision about their life.

 

2. You can get to the root cause of why the cheating ocurred

 

3. Your spouse hears the truth from you and doesn't have to discover it on their own or from someone else..which lessens the chance for any reconciliation.

 

4. You gain some respect for finally coming clean...however your spouse will be angry beyond belief.

5. You give back to your betrayed spouse their respect after you have cuckholded and undermined them.

 

6. You prove that you can have some integrity instead of being a lying, cheating enemy of your relationship.

7. You had enough courage to cheat..prove you have the same amount of courage by being honorable.

8.Your spouse will look back on your confession and although they are hurt..they will respect you for the courage to tell the truth..which improves your chance at reconciling.

 

9. You are not alleviating guilt..you are doing what your body is telling you is right to do. If you have guilt..it is because you know you are wrong and your body and soul is making you feel it.

10. If reconciliation is on the table after confession..whatever caused the cheating..whether a flaw in the cheater or the condition of the marriage, it can be dealt with and make a stronger relationship. It has happened.

 

 

If you have the fortitude to cheat..be brave enough to face the consequences.

Otherwise you are just a coward who would rather cheat and lie to their loved one than have a fulfilling relationship.

 

By the way..i've been married 25 years and I've saved marriages too.

[OldOnTheInside]

By the way..i've been married 25 years and I've saved marriages too.

 

I presume that includes your own one, right Soul?

 

To OP. You screwed up. You know you screwed up or else you wouldn't bother posting here. Tell him or don't. Whatever you do, you'll have to face the consequences of your actions eventually, whatever those consequences may be.

[nyrias]

That's really smart TurboGirl..How many marriages have you saved this way?

 

Let me give you a rundown

 

Benefits of not telling

 

1. You get to deceive your spouse

 

2. Your spouse thinks they are in a relationship of trust and integrity when they are actually being lied to

 

3. You have committed one of the worse crimes ever to a relationship and you choose to disrespect your spouse further by keeping them in the dark.

 

4. You are robbing your spouse to make a decision that directly affects their life of whether they want to stay with a cheater or not.

5. you are keeping them in the dark about whether or not they have been exposed to an STD

 

6. Ultimately the guilt will get to you and you will express this in some form. You will have to always keep some sort of guard up..therefore your spouse will never know the real you.

 

7. You have to constantly make sure your affair partner doesn't tell his or her friends they have been sleeping with a married person whose spouse is unaware of the situation.

8. You live in fear that you may be caught or exposed

9. You have little integrity as a human being which shows you have flawed character when you wish to deceive someone you claim to love

10.You are showing the ultimate disrespect to someone who is working to make a better life(if they are) for you and your family.

 

 

Benefits of telling

 

1. Your spouse gets to make an informed decision about their life.

 

2. You can get to the root cause of why the cheating ocurred

 

3. Your spouse hears the truth from you and doesn't have to discover it on their own or from someone else..which lessens the chance for any reconciliation.

 

4. You gain some respect for finally coming clean...however your spouse will be angry beyond belief.

5. You give back to your betrayed spouse their respect after you have cuckholded and undermined them.

 

6. You prove that you can have some integrity instead of being a lying, cheating enemy of your relationship.

7. You had enough courage to cheat..prove you have the same amount of courage by being honorable.

8.Your spouse will look back on your confession and although they are hurt..they will respect you for the courage to tell the truth..which improves your chance at reconciling.

 

9. You are not alleviating guilt..you are doing what your body is telling you is right to do. If you have guilt..it is because you know you are wrong and your body and soul is making you feel it.

10. If reconciliation is on the table after confession..whatever caused the cheating..whether a flaw in the cheater or the condition of the marriage, it can be dealt with and make a stronger relationship. It has happened.

 

 

If you have the fortitude to cheat..be brave enough to face the consequences.

Otherwise you are just a coward who would rather cheat and lie to their loved one than have a fulfilling relationship.

 

By the way..i've been married 25 years and I've saved marriages too.

 

I don't believe the run-down is very logical. There are THREE cases, not two.

 

a) Telling

- hurt spouse & make him angry beyond believe

- gain some respect by coming clean (using your words). Now how often the anger and hurt makes this respect insignificant.

- give spouse the opportunity to make decision about your relationship

 

b) NOT telling and never get discovered

- No hurting spouse. No anger

- From the spouse point of view, you still have integrity so you still have his respect, although it is based on a lie. So you do NOT lose respect, only gain guilt.

- spouse don't have full information and prob will stay in relationship

- depending on how discreet you & your OM is, you may live in some fear of discovery.

 

c) NOT telling and got discovered

- MORE hurt & anger compared to (a)

- No respect from spouse, the guilt is probably still going to be there.

- spouse has full information to make decision about your relationship.

 

It is not clear to me that (b) is worse than (a). You spare your spouse a lot of pain, and you keep him around. It is not honest, and prob will result in more guilt, but is it really worse than making him angry, hurt and has a much higher chance of leaving?

 

If (b) is a BETTER outcome than (a), from YOUR perspective, (and obviously c is much worse than anything), then the decision depends on if there is a high chance that he will discover on his own.

 

And *that* obviously is situation dependent. Furthermore, telling and not-telling are NOT the only option. You can observe your spouse and only tell if there is a high chance that he will discover the indiscretion.

[SoulStorm]

I don't believe the run-down is very logical. There are THREE cases, not two.

 

a) Telling

- hurt spouse & make him angry beyond believe

- gain some respect by coming clean (using your words). Now how often the anger and hurt makes this respect insignificant.

- give spouse the opportunity to make decision about your relationship

 

b) NOT telling and never get discovered

- No hurting spouse. No anger

- From the spouse point of view, you still have integrity so you still have his respect, although it is based on a lie. So you do NOT lose respect, only gain guilt.

- spouse don't have full information and prob will stay in relationship

- depending on how discreet you & your OM is, you may live in some fear of discovery.

 

c) NOT telling and got discovered

- MORE hurt & anger compared to (a)

- No respect from spouse, the guilt is probably still going to be there.

- spouse has full information to make decision about your relationship.

 

It is not clear to me that (b) is worse than (a). You spare your spouse a lot of pain, and you keep him around. It is not honest, and prob will result in more guilt, but is it really worse than making him angry, hurt and has a much higher chance of leaving?

 

If (b) is a BETTER outcome than (a), from YOUR perspective, (and obviously c is much worse than anything), then the decision depends on if there is a high chance that he will discover on his own.

 

And *that* obviously is situation dependent. Furthermore, telling and not-telling are NOT the only option. You can observe your spouse and only tell if there is a high chance that he will discover the indiscretion.

 

Third option? I do see your point. However anything less than the truth will have just as dire consequences if discovered. Infidelity has consequences. You decide to take on those consequences the moment you cross the line.

Either you can be a coward and run from them or be honorable and face them.

Edited May 2, 2011 by SoulStorm

[nyrias]

Your run down isn't very logical either. It's based on deceit.

 

You think by not telling it will prevent hurt and anger.

If hurt and anger are to be prevented..then how about not being unfaithful??

 

You base your theory on relieving hurt by deceit and deception. Relationships are not based on that.

You would rather keep someone around based on a lie?

That is extremely selfish and self serving.

If that is what you think..that explains a lot about you.

 

I've been married 25 years..how long have you been married nyrias or are you even married????

 

Let's go to the experts, shall we? You are not a psychologist, nor a therapist, are you?

 

Here is an academic paper on the issue of disclosure.

 

http://tfj.sagepub.com/content/16/4/328.full.pdf+html

 

And I quote (obviously the authors are also quote another paper):

 

Spring (1996) addressed four situations in which spousal

disclosure of the affair is unwise. These situations are when

(a) one believes the revelation will crush one’s partner’s

spirit irremediably; (b) one believes the revelation will create

an obsessional focus on the affair and keep those in the

relationship from examining the problems that caused it; ©

one’s partner is physically disabled and unable to provide

sexual companionship, and those in the relationship choose

to stay together to provide medical and emotional support;

and (d) one believes one’s partner will physically harm one.

The last of these, domestic violence, is consistently the one

situation when nondisclosure is consistently recommended.

 

So there *are* special circumstances that disclosure is "unwise". And situation (a) is very much the idea of not hurting the other person .. depending on how serious their response would be.

 

Furthermore, TABLE 1 shows that THERAPISTS (so they are professional, unlike people giving advice here) do NOT always council disclosure. And it is situation dependent. It ranges from 75+% agrees on disclosure when there is an active and ongoing affair, with no minor children, to 57% DISAGREE for "past and terminated affair".

 

These experts, obviously, think that at least *sometimes* (not always) relationship *can* base on deception, depends on the situation.

[nyrias]

Third option? I do see your point. However anything less than the truth will have just as dire consequences if discovered. Infidelity has consequences. You decide to take on those consequences the moment you cross the line.

Either you can be a coward and run from them or be honorable and face them.

 

The OP is already a cheater, i do not think the label of a "coward" will add significant amount of guilt. But you are right .. IF discovered, the consequences will be dire, exactly scenario © in my analysis, which is designated as the least desirable.

[thebody]

It's been a long, tiring road but I have finally grown up. Although still in pain.

 

A couple of months ago I put up a post in this forum and got a very unexpected response. You guys were harsh, borderline cruel. But if it wasn't for the responses I may be in a very ugly position right now.

 

Two weeks ago I officially ended an 8 month affair with my ex from a decade ago, however I haven't seen him for almost 2 months. The affair was a terribly emotional ride for me. One that I needed to mature. And learn to appreciate my husband and the life I have with him.

 

lesson learned. If I ever feel like ending my marriage, I will be honest with my husband first. I still cry every day. I miss OM but mostly guilt. There was a night when I had to sleep in a different room so my husband doesn't hear my sobbing. Infidelity is an immature, selfish, evil act that makes you MISERABLE. People who do it have no conscience and might be masochists.

 

Not one day I spent with OM was worth either the sex or company.

 

So thanks.

 

Don't listen to these sycophants, weedsandposies. Don't friggin tell him. You would be a fool to do it. It would end your marriage then and there and you know it. Look... I've been with a few married women in my day and I URGED them not to tell their hubby. Divorce them mutually, but NEVER EVER EVER admit adultery. It's like stumbling out of a bar drunk and calling the cops to tell them you're about to get into the car and drive.

[SoulStorm]

Let's go to the experts, shall we? You are not a psychologist, nor a therapist, are you?

 

Here is an academic paper on the issue of disclosure.

 

http://tfj.sagepub.com/content/16/4/328.full.pdf+html

 

And I quote (obviously the authors are also quote another paper):

 

Spring (1996) addressed four situations in which spousal

disclosure of the affair is unwise. These situations are when

(a) one believes the revelation will crush one’s partner’s

spirit irremediably; (b) one believes the revelation will create

an obsessional focus on the affair and keep those in the

relationship from examining the problems that caused it; ©

one’s partner is physically disabled and unable to provide

sexual companionship, and those in the relationship choose

to stay together to provide medical and emotional support;

and (d) one believes one’s partner will physically harm one.

The last of these, domestic violence, is consistently the one

situation when nondisclosure is consistently recommended.

 

So there *are* special circumstances that disclosure is "unwise". And situation (a) is very much the idea of not hurting the other person .. depending on how serious their response would be.

 

Furthermore, TABLE 1 shows that THERAPISTS (so they are professional, unlike people giving advice here) do NOT always council disclosure. And it is situation dependent. It ranges from 75+% agrees on disclosure when there is an active and ongoing affair, with no minor children, to 57% DISAGREE for "past and terminated affair".

 

These experts, obviously, think that at least *sometimes* (not always) relationship *can* base on deception, depends on the situation.

 

Most therapist do not have a clue how to handle infidelity.

Having a degree does not constitute you having the moral ability to tell someone that lying to their spouse is the right thing to do.

My marriage did not thrive by deception..only by honesty. if you believe lying to your partner is productive..I sure feel sorry for your partner.

 

Also if "one" believes that they will cause their partner harm by being truthful. "one" shouldn't cheat.

Edited May 2, 2011 by SoulStorm

[SoulStorm]

Looks like people from OM/OW have come to justify their behavior over here.