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Married Man / friend of mine pursued me but then ended it


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Old 14th April 2011, 2:00 PM   #1
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Married Man / friend of mine pursued me but then ended it

Hi all

I have been acquaintances with a guy for over 10 years... we were never great friends, but very respectful of each other because of some social groups in which we were both members.

Recently, my long-time boyfriend and I broke up... we're on-again, off-again.
I changed my status on facebook to single and decided to enable my chat.

BOY, was that an eye opener.

Suddenly guys started sending me messages -- many of whom were married -- flirting with me, telling me how pretty I am, etc.

Well one my married friends started chatting with me a few months ago and it was all innocent -- at first! (Isn't that how this ALWAYS happens).
We were both talking about work problems, the social scene, the groups to which we belong, etc.
He's very easy to chat with and he wrote that same thing about me.
He was different from the other perverts who kept chatting with me.

One night, I went to a place where he was. He was busy doing some volunteer work there and I was with a girlfriend, having fun and drinking. I was upset over my ex. I drank too much and left early.
He texted my phone after the event asking where I was.

The next night, he showed up at an event I was hosting but didn't stay long. He rarely if ever shows up to any of my events so it intrigued me in a good way. Afterward, we went to get something to eat.
Nothing happened but a hug, but we talked for two hours and had a great time.

Turns out, his wife and kids were out of town. I haven't "seen" him since.

Since then, we've been chatting 4 to 5 nights a week usually after his wife and kids go to bed. Again, just chatting. But occasionally we talk about what would happen if we meet up. We actually planned to very soon, but... he since told me he can't meet up with me because he's afraid we'll go too fast too soon and because he needs to think of his kids.
I totally respect that but have to admit I was disappointed. We stopped chatting for days. I told him we need to cool it, it's not fair to his wife, his kids or to me and my feelings (playing games with them).

Now, I am also hurting a little because I guess somewhere in the last few months I started to have feelings for him. We never kissed, slept together or anything... just chatted about EVERYTHING.
I miss chatting with him.

How could I be so stupid? I knew this wasn't going anywhere. I don't know his wife but he told me they have a great marriage, just lacking the sex part. He likes me but thinks if we start an affair it will be hard to end it. And he has to think of his kids and be a good dad, he keeps writing.

But isn't texting and chatting about intimate things he'd like to do with me for the past month an affair of sorts?

I am not sure what I am asking for here, but I miss chatting with him. I just wonder if I am ever going to hear from him again and if I should still go see him at his events or just stay away?

Last edited by FriendOrMore; 14th April 2011 at 2:10 PM..
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Old 14th April 2011, 2:13 PM   #2
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Are you married? This post seems to be a better fit on the OW/OM forum.

Ooops edit I see you are broken up. This post will be better on the OW/OM forum.
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Old 14th April 2011, 3:42 PM   #3
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With all due respect ladydesigner, this area of the forum is just fine for this post. She might draw a little more harsh criticism in this area, but maybe that is what's necessary. If the post were really in the wrong area then the moderator could easily move it.

Now, FriendOrMore, you obviously realize what you are doing is wrong, otherwise you would not be here in the first place. It might have started innocently enough, there is little doubt of that, but it has progressed beyond that.

You cannot control what your "friend" does, not one single bit. You can only control what you do. This is already an EA (emotional affair); now there are all sorts of definitions of an emotional affair, but I can break it down simply, has anything been said by either person involved that they would not want their significant other to see? In this case though that is obvious.

Only you know what you want to do. I suspect though that this has as much to do with you not properly getting over your EX and this is likely a rebound scenario. It just so happens your rebound is married and with children.

To answer your bottom line question I suggest you role play yourself into his wife. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? Think long and hard about that.

As for your "friend", my honest opinion of him, is that he is a scumbag. Sorry, but I really believe that. He knows what he is doing, he's not innocent. Also don't be so sure this isn't the first such occurence for him.

Good luck.
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Old 14th April 2011, 4:49 PM   #4
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I told him we need to cool it, it's not fair to his wife, his kids or to me and my feelings (playing games with them).
No s**t!

Ask yourself: Have you said or done anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying or doing in front of his wife? I know the answer already.

What you're in is called an emotional affair. And it's about 2 go physical. You've said that's his intention after all. Slowing down will do no good whatsoever. You need 2 stop al2gether. Block his phone number. If he persists (or even if he doesn't), tell his wife. She deserves the chance 2 make decisions for herself and her kids about her marriage and their fu2re.

I hope you think about this.

-ol' 2long
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Old 14th April 2011, 5:18 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by FriendOrMore View Post
Now, I am also hurting a little because I guess somewhere in the last few months I started to have feelings for him.
why would you have feelings for a guy that would cheat on his wife and disrespect her and his kids behind their backs?


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We never kissed, slept together or anything
but you would have if the conditions were right, and he didn't chicken out.


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How could I be so stupid? I knew this wasn't going anywhere. I don't know his wife but he told me they have a great marriage, just lacking the sex part.
its not the lacking in the sex part that he more than likely has a problem with. he has a lacking sex with someone new thing that he is missing.
he's married, having sex with the same person gets dull to some people, and he wanted the thrill of the chase and being with someone new.


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But isn't texting and chatting about intimate things he'd like to do with me for the past month an affair of sorts?
yup, its an emotional affair, and I guarantee if his wife finds out, she aint gonna say, "oh thats ok, long as you don't touch her".


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I am not sure what I am asking for here, but I miss chatting with him. I just wonder if I am ever going to hear from him again and if I should still go see him at his events or just stay away?
what is it about guys that are unfaithful in one way or another that just gets women weak in the knees?

if you stay in contact with him, then realize, men like this exist because they have women who are willing to let them do what they do.

unless you have a full blown physical affair with him, and he ends up leaving his wife for you, you are enabling him, and disrespecting a fellow female(and his kids). so unless you see that happening, or want that to happen, you walk away. find someone single.

of course a married man is going to sweep you off your feet. they tell women what they want to hear and are all peaches and cream because your relationship with him is fresh and exciting.

if you were to have married him, you'd be in no different position than his wife is in right now. you'd be the same old same old that he has been with and would be out there on facebook looking to chat up new women for excitement.

walk away.
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Old 14th April 2011, 5:57 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by What_Next View Post
With all due respect ladydesigner, this area of the forum is just fine for this post. She might draw a little more harsh criticism in this area, but maybe that is what's necessary. If the post were really in the wrong area then the moderator could easily move it.

Now, FriendOrMore, you obviously realize what you are doing is wrong, otherwise you would not be here in the first place. It might have started innocently enough, there is little doubt of that, but it has progressed beyond that.

You cannot control what your "friend" does, not one single bit. You can only control what you do. This is already an EA (emotional affair); now there are all sorts of definitions of an emotional affair, but I can break it down simply, has anything been said by either person involved that they would not want their significant other to see? In this case though that is obvious.

Only you know what you want to do. I suspect though that this has as much to do with you not properly getting over your EX and this is likely a rebound scenario. It just so happens your rebound is married and with children.

To answer your bottom line question I suggest you role play yourself into his wife. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? Think long and hard about that.

As for your "friend", my honest opinion of him, is that he is a scumbag. Sorry, but I really believe that. He knows what he is doing, he's not innocent. Also don't be so sure this isn't the first such occurence for him.

Good luck.
No offense taken What_Next, but I agree with everything you have said especially the bolded, which is a big red flag for a single gal.

Welcome to LS FriendOrMore I hope you get the support you need. You have received some great advice.
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Old 14th April 2011, 6:09 PM   #7
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Hi OP, welcome to LS

Sounds like a textbook hook to me. Bait, hook in person, hoover via electrons. I've had more than a few MW's do this to me, both while single and while married.

The operative solution IMO is to assign no significant emotion to it. Think of it as an interesting wildflower on the side of the highway in spring. Looks nice as you drive by. It will wither and go to seed soon enough.

Is this your first EA? After awhile, they all begin to look the same. IMO, better to spend some alone time to process your breakup and then begin dating single men again. Much healthier.
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Old 14th April 2011, 6:55 PM   #8
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A great book which explains the dynamic of what you're experiencing is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass..I can't recommend it enough.

What you've described is actually fairly common. Even though you didn't enter into this friendship with any other motives, the continued contact has lead to deeper feelings...it really is a slippery slope, as Dr. Glass describes it.

Continuing on that slope can lead to a lot of pain for all parties involved....not just pain, but utter emotional devastation.
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Old 17th April 2011, 3:06 PM   #9
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If he is willing to cheat with you FriendOrMore, he will end up cheating on you as well. That is the character of most cheaters. They *need* validation to stroke their twisted egos.

So don't be surprised if you hook up with him and find out you're not the only woman he is flirting with and baiting.

The best advice I can give you is tell him you are not interested and run as fast as you can. Dump him. Stay away. Otherwise you're just dropping yourself into a meatgrinder. (There are 1000 threads here you can read that will only prove what I say to you.)

Best of luck.

Last edited by YellowShark; 17th April 2011 at 3:09 PM..
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Old 18th April 2011, 12:13 AM   #10
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To 29c, I am not screwing any wife's husband, we were chatting and flirting.
Also, I didn't intent to have feelings for him, it just happened.

Anyway, I'm sure all you judgmental types will be happy to know we decided to cool the chatting and just be friends.
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Old 18th April 2011, 12:16 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by FriendOrMore View Post
Anyway, I'm sure all you judgmental types will be happy to know we decided to cool the chatting and just be friends.
judgemental? why does everyone who is doing wrong to someone else cry about people being judgemental?

how would you like a woman snogging up to your man? if it ever happens, remember, don't be judgemental.

and if the husband thinks its ok to be friends with a woman that has mutual feelings for him, then he will be continuing the disrespect of his wife.

The "friendship" needs to cease completely. Would you want any husband of yours being "friends" with a woman he wants to get in bed?
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Old 18th April 2011, 12:32 PM   #12
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You asked if what the two of you had been doing was an "affair of sorts".

It was...look up the term "emotional affair".

You were both started down that path. You were totally right for putting a stop to it.

I understand that you're hurting...the end of any relationship hurts, regardless.

Focus on moving on, and taking care of yourself.

Keep yourself in NC (no contact) with this guy...because if you continue ANY kind of contact with him...it'll turn into a bad situation for everyone.
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Old 18th April 2011, 2:58 PM   #13
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judgemental? why does everyone who is doing wrong to someone else cry about people being judgemental?

how would you like a woman snogging up to your man? if it ever happens, remember, don't be judgemental.

and if the husband thinks its ok to be friends with a woman that has mutual feelings for him, then he will be continuing the disrespect of his wife.

The "friendship" needs to cease completely. Would you want any husband of yours being "friends" with a woman he wants to get in bed?
First off, I am not the married one. Never have been and don't know that I will. So I can't say how I would feel if my imaginary husband would be friends with a woman he wants to get into bed. I would hope to be able to take care of my man so he doesn't think of those other women...

Furthermore, most of your post is subjective.
What is right and what is wrong? Are you religious? If you are, then you know from the bible that while adultery is wrong that also you should not cast stones unless you, too, are somehow remarkably without sin.

I didn't ASK for any of this to happen. And nothing really happened but flirting in texts. But we've been friends for over 10 years and this all just started recently. I am not going to stop being friends with him. I actually wound up seeing him this past weekend and we were fine. Nothing happened. We talked, hugged, and said goodbye. I actually met some of his friends and who knows, maybe he'll fix me up with one of them. But I actually enjoy chatting with him online about life stuff, work, and all that. It's not always sexual chat. He said he doesn't want to have a physical affair and I agreed that it's not a good idea.... we're dealing with it.

But seriously, the wife needs to wake up. I guess if his wife would have sex with him more often, he wouldn't be even looking for it elsewhere because he said his marriage is practically perfect. Sex is an important part of a relationship, especially for men, and for any of you married women out there who think otherwise, then you may find yourself in a tough situation. If you don't want sex, just be friends with a guy and don't marry him.

And again he and I are NOT sleeping together. I happen to believe him that he has never cheated on his wife. Not all guys cheat ALL the time. Just like not ALL women do. Do you?

Last edited by FriendOrMore; 18th April 2011 at 3:04 PM..
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Old 18th April 2011, 5:19 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by FriendOrMore View Post
First off, I am not the married one. Never have been and don't know that I will. So I can't say how I would feel if my imaginary husband would be friends with a woman he wants to get into bed. I would hope to be able to take care of my man so he doesn't think of those other women...
ah, so only neglected men and women cheat eh? how old are you?


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Furthermore, most of your post is subjective.
What is right and what is wrong?
are you really wanting to get into a debate that what you are doing is not wrong?



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Are you religious?
nope


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If you are, then you know from the bible that while adultery is wrong that also you should not cast stones unless you, too, are somehow remarkably without sin.
they were talking about actual stones. now you can interpret it as you want. the way i see it, I do not sin in the manner in which is being discussed. So no hypocrisy here.



Quote:
I didn't ASK for any of this to happen. And nothing really happened but flirting in texts. But we've been friends for over 10 years and this all just started recently. I am not going to stop being friends with him.
then whether she knows it or not, I guess his wife will just have to be a victim of the disrespect both him and you show her.


Quote:
I actually wound up seeing him this past weekend and we were fine. Nothing happened.
doesn't matter


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But seriously, the wife needs to wake up. I guess if his wife would have sex with him more often, he wouldn't be even looking for it elsewhere because he said his marriage is practically perfect.
so this is the wife's fault eh? did it ever occur to you that married life simply isn't for everyone? Doesn't sound like its for her husband. And you know they don't have alot of sex because? Oh, lemme guess, he told you this. Well geez, if he wanted to have sex with you, before chickening out, I'm sure he wouldn't get you in bed if he told you he had sex with her quite a bit.

And got a newsflash for ya, if you were married to him, you wouldn't be any different. things calm down in a marriage, and some people can handle having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives. Some can't. her husband is the latter.


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Sex is an important part of a relationship, especially for men, and for any of you married women out there who think otherwise, then you may find yourself in a tough situation. If you don't want sex, just be friends with a guy and don't marry him.

so basically you are going to come into a section of a forum where people come, for the most part, to deal with the pain of being cheated on, and you are going to insult them?

Here is an idea. Trot on over to the OW/OM section of this site. they will cater to the likes of you.


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And again he and I are NOT sleeping together.
doesn't matter. you would have if he didn't chicken out. therefore this isn't SIMPLY a friendship, and the wife shouldn't be expected to put up with it. If she knew that is.

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I happen to believe him that he has never cheated on his wife.
he already did, emotionally, with you. But really, it would be doing the wife a favor if you and he did hook up. he is unfaithful, in one way or another, and if thats a catch to you, then you deserve him.

His wife deserves better.


Quote:
Not all guys cheat ALL the time. Just like not ALL women do. Do you?
nope, never have, never will. and NEVER will I have an affair with a married woman.

Last edited by Memphis Raines; 18th April 2011 at 5:23 PM..
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Old 19th April 2011, 1:59 AM   #15
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nope, never have, never will. and NEVER will I have an affair with a married woman.
Well good for you, then ... perhaps someday you should be canonized for Sainthood.
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