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My husband wants to date other women


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Old 14th April 2011, 4:38 AM   #1
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My husband wants to date other women

Hello! I need help. I was browsing the net and found this site. I am so heartbroken right now. My husband and I have been having problems this past 4 months. Our sex life is dead. I have asked him if there was something wrong but he said it's just pressure from work. But there are times when he disappears for a couple of hours. Some nights he would walk our dog and be gone for more than two hours-when a month ago, I had to beg him to walk the dog. Recently, even at 11 at night he would walk the dog!

I thought something is a bit off...I can't really pinpoint it. Earlier tonight I found him slump asleep on his desk in his office with the computer on and on the screen I saw the site Plenty of Fish and on another window, AdultFriendFinder. I am devastated. I woke him up and asked him what he was doing on those sites. He said he was just "checking it out"-except that on the POF site he actually has a profile and on it he wrote that he was "looking for a relationship".

I was so distraught and upset and I kept asking him if he wanted to leave me and if he is looking for someone to be with on those sites. He replied..no, that I was overreacting and that he just wanted to (again) check it out-just for fun. I do not believe him. So I told him that he can just tell me the truth about what he wants so I can choose what I want to do. He finally said he wanted to stay married but also be free to "come and go as he please". Then I asked,"you mean,stay married but see other women, too?"..he replied "yes".

Please....I am drowning here. I have been with this man for 20 years. I need help. I do not know how to navigate this. He told me he does not want a divorce because he loves me and would not know how to live without me by his side-BUT,he said he feels his life is mundane and routine and that he is unhappy even though he loves me.

Sorry for rambling on, I am typing this in tears Thank you everyone.
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Old 14th April 2011, 5:22 AM   #2
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Hi there welcome to the site, sorry for your situation

So he wants an open marriage and you don't. He cannot have his cake and eat it. If you both want the marriage to work then you need to get to counselling ASAP, BUT you need to get the full truth first otherwise he will just lie, lie, lie. I would bet good money that he is already seeing other woman.

Getting the truth may involve snooping and some detective work. Check his phone. Check the computer. But do not alert him that you are onto him, because all evidence will mysteriously disappear. Personally what I would do is wait for him to go "walking the dog" late at night, and discretely follow him. I would bet good money that he isn't just going 10 times round the park. Just observe and gather evidence... don't go bashing any doors down.
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Old 14th April 2011, 5:56 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bellaluna View Post
Hello! I need help......

So I told him that he can just tell me the truth about what he wants so I can choose what I want to do. He finally said he wanted to stay married but also be free to "come and go as he please". Then I asked,"you mean,stay married but see other women, too?"..he replied "yes".

Please....I am drowning here. I have been with this man for 20 years. I need help. I do not know how to navigate this. He told me he does not want a divorce because he loves me and would not know how to live without me by his side-BUT,he said he feels his life is mundane and routine and that he is unhappy even though he loves me.

Sorry for rambling on, I am typing this in tears Thank you everyone.
The guy's a piece of work.
but you did push him, and you did ask him to tell you "so you can choose what to do".

Think about this carefully.
You now have the information you asked him for.

You now have to choose what you want to do. That's what you told him you wanted the information for.
So now, he's put the ball in your court.

Choices?

Three.

ONE: Comply with his wishes, suck it up and deal with it (but you never want to know when he does it, where, with who and how. EVER. he has to be completely discreet and sensitive to your needs in this.

TWO (PegNosePete's ideal solution): Absolutely put your foot down, refuse point-blank, and tell him you insist you both go to counselling (together AND individually) to try to find a solution to this, together, to build on what you have lived on for the past 20 years (This would be the best solution).

THREE: Fine, sure, see other women. But you divorce first. You will never tolerate being in a marriage with a person who cheats on you and cannot remain faithful for better or for worse, so he can go screw everything in a skirt that moves, for all you care - but not while he's married to you, he can't,
(this would be your second best option).

let us know how things develop.
We're here for you.
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Old 14th April 2011, 5:58 AM   #4
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Leave him and then he can date all the women he wants.
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Old 14th April 2011, 6:41 AM   #5
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What an awful situation. I am guessing that hios lack of sex with you the last 4 months has been due to him giving it to someone else, elsewhere?

You should ask him, I am just not sure he will be honest about it. I think he is willing to be honest up to a point. I think if he feels it is in his best interest to hide any sex he has already been having on the side, that he will.
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Old 14th April 2011, 8:46 AM   #6
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It sounds to me like he has already laid the groundwork for a fling, if he hasn't already indulged. Now he is just wanting your blessing to go ahead with it.

Assuming this is not acceptable to you, like TaraMaiden mentioned you really only have 3 options. I would recommend starting with option 2, then moving to option 3. You MUST demand transparency, however - he has to give you access to all his emails, his phone, everything. Even if he agrees to that, get a keylogger (which will show you if he is logging into an email account he didn't tell you about), and double-check bank statements (see if he is transferring money to another account you don't know about, or is purchasing things like disposable phones or memberships to any of these adult sites).

If he is back on track with the marriage, nothing will crop up. If he's not, you have the knowledge that you can move to option 3 without getting gaslit by him - you will have the evidence in hand to make the most informed decision.
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Old 14th April 2011, 9:07 AM   #7
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Though you are in extreme pain you are actually in a very good position. You are in control of what you want to do with the information he has provided. Some of us never got that choice. I can't tell you what to do, I know I would give him his freedom to date whomever he pleased. I don't know what your belief system is, but I know for me that wouldn't be a marriage.

Tara, laid out the options you face. Think carefully about what you want, what you expect of yourself and your standards for marriage and life. Don't be pushed, but be aware.
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Old 14th April 2011, 10:20 AM   #8
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Oh man .... how selfish of him. would u be willing to see other ppl? Maybe u need to space up ur romantic life a bit
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Old 14th April 2011, 4:20 PM   #9
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Sounds like midlife crisis to me. I'm actually impressed, though, that he articulated so precisely (inasmuch as that's possible, considering they are actually usually pretty confused about what they want). Believe it or not, that is promising - the way the OP told it, he didn't seem to do it with malice or anger (e.g., "you are boring, etc." or "I don't love you the same way anymore") and did not dump all over the marriage as having been a mistake or indicate that it lacked any value to him. He actually clearly stated that he wants to stay married - that is good. You and the marriage are of value to him. Many wives in your position don't get that lucky. I know I didn't.

As others have said, it's also pretty helpful that he articulated his position - he's bored, is probably afraid that he will never have any more sexual variety in his life, is feeling like life is passing him by and he wants what probably feels to him might be a last breath of fresh air. I didn't totally understand this when my husband decided he wanted "off the leash" three years ago. All I could see was that he didn't value me and all we had, I was still "in love" with him the way I thought I always had been - I did not realize that the man I was "in love with" was no longer the same person I thought he was.

It's ridiculously hard, but if I were the OP, and had to do it over again, I would have done my best to keep my husband talking. (Although, in my case, my husband wasn't a talker. I wish he had been.) I wouldn't have drawn immediate lines in the sand. It only forces someone to take action who already isn't thinking clearly. Your husband clearly is not sure what he wants, so my personal opinion is that it's not the ideal time to force him into a major decision. It's not like you've actually discovered he's been having an affair with the neighbor.

So far it's just suspicions, you don't know that anything has happened. Although, personally, if he's been walking the dog at all hours, I think there's something to that.

From my perspective, which might not be yours, if you want to keep your marriage, don't force any decisions until you have better information. If you are the type that won't stand for any crap, period, and have the guts to follow through with it, by all means toss him out. The 180 has worked for many a poster on these boards. Eventually it also worked for me, but by the time I was putting it into action, they weren't behaviors that revolved around getting my husband to do anything. They were about putting my own life back on track and making my life about me, no longer about him.

My advice would be to keep him talking, sit back, gather yourself as much as you can (although ridiculously difficult, hardest thing I have ever done), and get a better picture of what you are actually dealing with. Right now there are too many possibilities, running the range from his having 2 hour conversations with the dog to actually having a girlfriend out there that you don't know about. Your husband could just be at a very confusing time in his life, or he could be lying his tail off to you. You can't know what's going on yet just based on what's happened so far.

Just my thoughts.
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Old 14th April 2011, 4:31 PM   #10
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The more I think about your situation, bellaluna, the more I think it might be salvageable. Your H is being open with you even if it was he is telling you is very painful.

Many spouses are not given this opportunity. I'm not saying it is a good thing necessarily because his behavior is putting your marriage in jeopardy.

I do agree with some of the other responses (based on what you wrote) that he still values you and your marriage and just as importantly, is using you as a confidante as he works through his confusion.

Do keep posting if you find it helpful to you and, welcome to LS!
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Last edited by Snowflower; 14th April 2011 at 4:39 PM.. Reason: Grammar!
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Old 15th April 2011, 3:06 AM   #11
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You can't keep him from doing whatever he is gonna do---and I doubt if you wanna spend the rest of your life being a prison guard, and checking on his every move

Tell him he is free to do whatever he wishes in re: other women---but also tell him you will not SHARE him with anyone else---and if he persists---that D. is on the table immediately

You must take a hard line about this---don't go around whining, and feeling sorry for yourself---handle the situation

I am very sure when confronted with losing half of everything, and paying alimony, and child support if that factors in---he will wake up

You can read thousands of stories like yours, and almost every situation, nothing changed until the betrayed spouse took a very HARD line, and stood up to the cheating partner---letting them know in no uncertain terms---that they would not like the consequences of their cheating---taking a hard line and standing up for yourself is what you must do------you need to get right up in his face, and back him down---do not be afraid-----what is he really gonna do----his choices are to get back in line, and become your H, or to face a Divorce
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Old 15th April 2011, 11:44 PM   #12
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I am sorry I have not been back to respond to your posts. I have read them but was unable to string a complete sentence without being reduced to tears.

I am better today. Thank you so much for taking precious time out to respond to me. 'Will try and respond to all your posts:

PegNosePete: I am so humiliated that I might have to do some snooping to get to the truth. I checked his phone-even reviewed our account online and checked all the numbers and texts(what numbers the texts came or are going) and there is nothing there. I thought if following him but I am afraid someone would think it strange that I am walking alone at night ( I live in a gated community and we have security doing rounds). I am thinking he MUST have a pay-as-you go phone that is hidden somewhere but who knows? I want to call his office and talk to his secretary and ask if he has been out much an such but I do not really want to do that-it's embarrassing. I very rarely call his office and very rarely even go visit/or stop by. BUT I do really feel it in my heart that he is seeing somebody else. I just do not have proof.


TaraMaiden: My husband is in counseling, as a matter of fact, he told me last night during dinner that he was going to see his counselor(2nd visit) and that he has to list attributes that he thinks are positive and negative about him. He asked me what I think are his +/- attributes. I told him he is patient and hardworking and helpful ( he cleans the pool, the yard and oftentimes cooks-even though we have hired help to do these things), etc.etc.-then while I was telling him what was good about him I lost it! I just broke down crying- I want my sweet, loving husband back. I feel like this person I am dealing with now is an impostor!!!! Then he held me tight and said that he was too tired to "deal" with issues in our marriage "now" and that no matter what happens to us, he will always love me.

I did not like what he said...what does he mean "what happens to us?". I feel like he is saying goodbye!!!!

The 3 choices you presented are really sound and logical. BUT, I am a housewife. I have a college degree but I have never worked in my life. @ 40, I am not sure what I can do. I do not know anything but to be his wife and mother to my daughter. I am lost without him.

For sure a lot of things to think about. I DO know that I will survive this, I just do not know how well.

hoping2heal:I have asked him, pointblank if he is seeing somebody else, and he said NO, but he said that he does want to "venture out".

KikiW: As far as I can check, our accounts have no "strange" transactions. I am in charge of the bills. Unless he has an account that I do not know about. However, I just ordered credit reports under his name and all the credit cards that were listed were all under both our names. Nothing out of the ordinary.


yessy21: My H said that if I wanted to "see" other people he will have to be ok with it because it would be hypocritical of him to forbid me. But he also said he does not want to know about it. Not the answer I wanted to hear, he obviously do not care anymore.

Baroness67: I really cannot see what is "promising" about my situation-I want to see it though, desperately. I hope soon I will. By the way, what is 180?

Snowflower: I do hope with all my heart that my husband still values me and our marriage. I feel that he was just trying to lay it down on me "gently".


jnj express: No, I am not going to be a "prison guard"-just the thought is humiliating to me. I should not have to keep track of him. In re: about alimony, child support and other money matters: I know my husband is going to be generous to me. But definitely, my financial life as I know it will not be the same-he on the other hand, will continue to grow ( I believe) because he is very good in his field.
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Old 15th April 2011, 11:54 PM   #13
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Dinner tonight was pleasant, but he went out. He said he was going to the range to shoot. I think the range closes at 9, it is already almost 10 o'clock. I am going crazy thinking where he could be!!!!!! I want to call him but I am not going to. Before he left, he gave me a kiss (like usual) and said, "I love you, I do". I did not respond.

I think I am going to take something to make me sleep so I am not here thinking crazy thoughts!
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Old 16th April 2011, 12:12 AM   #14
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What about your children... do they know what is going on? Are they acting up at all?

I worry about them in a situation like this, they gotta see that dad's acting funny and mom's really upset
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Old 16th April 2011, 12:23 AM   #15
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Duckduckgoose: We only have one daughter. She is 20 years old and away from home. She is a junior in college. I have not told her anything. My husband was concerned about her, actually. He said he did not want to upset her since she has finals in a few weeks.
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