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Do emotional affairs usually lead to physical ones?


Lauriebell82

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Lauriebell82

First off, this is NOT about me. I love my husband more than anything. :love:

 

My best friend is married to an alcoholic and their marriage is deteriorating. She is friends with a 20 year old guy (she is 28) and she has started to have romantic feelings for him. She lies to her husband to spend time with him. It hasn't turned physical and she "swears" that it won't.

 

So what does everyone think? Is this going to lead to a physical affair? Do you think emotional affairs always lead to one?

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ladydesigner
First off, this is NOT about me. I love my husband more than anything. :love:

 

My best friend is married to an alcoholic and their marriage is deteriorating. She is friends with a 20 year old guy (she is 28) and she has started to have romantic feelings for him. She lies to her husband to spend time with him. It hasn't turned physical and she "swears" that it won't.

 

So what does everyone think? Is this going to lead to a physical affair? Do you think emotional affairs always lead to one?

 

I do, it happened to me. That is exactly how mine began. For a woman to feel safe sexually with a man, I believe she has to emotionally have a bond with him first. I know there are the few out there that can have NSA sex, but most women need that emotional connection first. Your friend is indeed falling down the slippery slope.

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Depends on boundaries. I've had many 'friendships' which LS calls emotional affairs but never have had sex with those people because they were obviously attached. One key boundary is not talking about sex or sexual intimacy and, concurrently, confining affection to non-sexual actions. IMO, the relationships are still inappropriate, but offer one datapoint that very involved emotional attachments don't have to become sexual.

 

Specifically, what's inappropriate is the sharing of private marital business, sharing ILY's and lack of disclosure and transparency. In some cases, the women did not concur with the inappropriateness, as they felt I was no different than a girlfriend and their perception that there was no 'romantic' involvement made it OK. In reality, they could experience the intimacy, validation and male interest that they would not get from a girlfriend. Perhaps not coincidentally, a number of them didn't have close female friendships.

 

All that said, I would opine that, in most 'normal' situations, sexually active men do not 'get involved' with women they don't want to have sex with, so 'emotional' involvement from a man is almost certainly going to lead to sexual propositions.

 

OP, in the case of your friend, one potential is that she will decide that she and her alcoholic husband are 'separated' and this will be her 'reason' for any activities she participates in. This happened to me on a couple of occasions; 'situational separation'. Then, if she and H 'make up', her conscience is clear, since they 'weren't together' when she did what she did.

 

OTOH, nothing may ever happen sexually. Each case is different. As a friend, I would suggest marriage counseling, and have to a few female friends who've 'come on' to me while married. Better they work their stuff out, together :)

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Yes they can, my wife's certainly did. ladydesigner is quite correct in her assessment, almost precisely what happened in her case.

 

Talk to your friend, if she is your friend talk to her. It might be tough and be prepared to potentially damage your friendship over this.

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Lauriebell82

Thanks for the responses! I think their relationship is very unhealthy and there are very poor boundaries there. They "wrestle" and he touched her stomach. So it's starting to get a little "physical" already.

 

I advised her not to do it, to at least seperate from her husband first. Ultimately though, I can't control what she does, but I sure hope she does the right thing. She said that she would never make the first move, but admitted that she wasn't sure she would resist if he made the first move. I told her how dangerous that is.

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whichwayisup
First off, this is NOT about me. I love my husband more than anything. :love:

 

My best friend is married to an alcoholic and their marriage is deteriorating. She is friends with a 20 year old guy (she is 28) and she has started to have romantic feelings for him. She lies to her husband to spend time with him. It hasn't turned physical and she "swears" that it won't.

 

So what does everyone think? Is this going to lead to a physical affair? Do you think emotional affairs always lead to one?

 

The ground work for an affair has been laid out...It's only a matter of time. She may think it won't lead to anything physical, but the more time they are alone, feelings grow, converations happen, it CAN happen..Even more so since she's sneaking around behind her H's back, lying to him already.

 

This guy also knows she's having marital issues and probably knows details too, so yeah, it's only a matter of time before something happens.

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Lauriebell82
The ground work for an affair has been laid out...It's only a matter of time. She may think it won't lead to anything physical, but the more time they are alone, feelings grow, converations happen, it CAN happen..Even more so since she's sneaking around behind her H's back, lying to him already.

 

This guy also knows she's having marital issues and probably knows details too, so yeah, it's only a matter of time before something happens.

 

Thanks, I unfortunately would be inclined to agree. I'm really worried about her, I just wish there was something I could do. I keep telling her not to do it, but I guess she is going to do what she wants.

 

He has a girlfriend also who he lies to to spend time with my friend. So eventually I think he will make a move on her, even though she disagrees with me on that. He has told her he is "against cheating" but I think he may just be saying that. What does everyone think about that?

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misternoname

I am of the opinion that they almost always lead to sex. Let's face it, heterosexual men aren't (for the most part) interested in having women as an emotional "buddy."

 

Me ex lied about her affairs...always played the "we're just friends" card. It was all BS.

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I don't think your friend cheating on her husband is the major issue. It's that she has chosen to attach herself to an unavailable man (an alcoholic). Your friend has a lot of work to do on herself. This affair to be is one of the little dramas that she will go through before she seeks professional help.

 

I suggest you detach and evaluate whether she is a good friend to you. You can't rescue her from her own choices. You'll drive yourself crazy in the process.

 

Good luck.

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Guys say a lot of things to get laid. Well, so do gals, but their agenda is usually different.

 

'How do you think your husband would feel if he knew what you were doing? How would you feel if he was wrestling with another woman and telling her your 'business'? If you don't care anymore, divorce him.'

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UnsureinSeattle

They can.

 

I was scouring my computer a zillion years ago- killing off redundant files and the like. Found some chat logs that I didn't know were even archived- found one with my buddy and I- and read thru it, and enjoyed the conversation that we had. Then I found one with my SO and a mutual friend, glanced thru it, and thought it was cool that this stuff had been saved. Found another one.

 

You all see where this is going.

 

The next one I found was with my SO and someone I didn't know. Started off relatively innocent. I was about to click away, but something caught my eye.

 

The other man asked "So how's your sex life lately?"

 

My first thought was "Why the hell is this guy asking about that?" My second was "And, since he says 'lately,' they must have talked about it before, as well."

 

Stunned, I read on- she replied that it was fine (yay, I guess), but there "wasn't enough of it." And then some details- this from a woman who NEVER talks about sex.

 

His response was literally the following (and I've never forgot)-

 

"That's a shame. You know, you are so beautiful. I'm coming up to Seattle soon- we should make plans to get together."

 

I stumbled across this right before plans were going to be made. Would they have been made? Would she have gone thru with it? I guess I'll never know. But she absolutely bought into that line of horsesh*t.

 

This was before I knew what an "emotional affair" was. My SO doesn't have a lot of friends, and tends to make friends with men more easily than with women. If it bothered me, I never said anything because I didn't want to be that kind of jealous, controlling guy. In retrospect, I should have shut her down immediately when it was obvious too much time (and emotional energy) was spent chatting away with her friends online.

 

The other big one was in our office where she started spending a lot of, let's say "quality time" with some married creep. Rotten little nebbish. It wasn't physical, but if the guy would have made the move (she was too "chicken" to go thru with it) before I found out about it, it probably would've been.

 

So yeah, emotional affairs can absolutely "blossom" into physical ones.

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2.50 a gallon

Yes. Unless her H puts a stop to it

 

The steps that I followed when I pursued MS was to first become their friend and let them talk. I would show and interest in their lives, and thus we began an EA. Then they would begin to talk about their disatisfaction in their married life and how they wished they could have found a guy like me. From there it wouldn't be long after that we would be end up in bed, with her being the main pursuer. She would be afraid that the one man who listened to her was going to leave her, and to fill that void she would seduce me. Everytime

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EyesWideOpen
You shouldn't be having an emotional affair, LB.

 

Dude...

First, she said it wasn't her.

Second, that wasn't the question.

 

Don't be an *ss.

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EyesWideOpen

Personally, I think it is highly unlikely that an emotional affair can continue without it eventually turning physical.

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Lauriebell82
You shouldn't be having an emotional affair, LB.

 

I'm going to assume that you are just being humerous. This isn't one of those hypothetic "I'm talking about a 'friend' but really it's about me" threads. I love my husband and absolutely deplore cheating (emotional or otherwise). But you guys all knew/know that.

 

Yes. Unless her H puts a stop to it

 

The steps that I followed when I pursued MS was to first become their friend and let them talk. I would show and interest in their lives, and thus we began an EA. Then they would begin to talk about their disatisfaction in their married life and how they wished they could have found a guy like me. From there it wouldn't be long after that we would be end up in bed, with her being the main pursuer. She would be afraid that the one man who listened to her was going to leave her, and to fill that void she would seduce me. Everytime

 

So you think he is just playing her then? She says that she would never make the first move, but I warned her that it may happen if she has a weak moment, or if she is vulnerable.

 

Who usually makes the first move into making an EA a physical one?

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Emotional Affairs are always wrong, and 100% cheating. An emotional affair that involves secretly hanging out and a person almost 10 years younger probably has a high likely hood of being physical. May already be physical even though you don’t think it is.

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ChocCheesecake

Mine didn't. But our in person contact was mostly@ work, and obviously we would not have done anything there. If your friend and her guy are wrestling and tickling then absolutely it will turn physical. If mm and I were alone somewhere where we were wrestling and tickling, something would've happened.

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Lauriebell82
Emotional Affairs are always wrong, and 100% cheating. An emotional affair that involves secretly hanging out and a person almost 10 years younger probably has a high likely hood of being physical. May already be physical even though you don’t think it is.

 

I think that it is getting to be physical, I feel that it's innapropriate to tickle and wrestle with a guy friend, so they are already blurring the boundaries a lot (physical boundaries that is).

 

As I said before, she claims that she will never initiate things, and doesn't think he will either because he told her that he didn't believe in cheating and thought it was wrong (he has a girlfriend also, don't know if I mentioned that or not). That sounds like a line though doesn't it?

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Lauriebell82
Whoever it is, LB, it's not worth it. You need to break it off before things get out of hand.

 

Please stay on topic and not try to turn my thread into a big drama fest. Thank you.

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hoping2heal
First off, this is NOT about me. I love my husband more than anything. :love:

 

My best friend is married to an alcoholic and their marriage is deteriorating. She is friends with a 20 year old guy (she is 28) and she has started to have romantic feelings for him. She lies to her husband to spend time with him. It hasn't turned physical and she "swears" that it won't.

 

So what does everyone think? Is this going to lead to a physical affair? Do you think emotional affairs always lead to one?

 

I think an emotional affair would be a definite gateway to a physical affair. If your friend is married to an alchoholic she must be absolutely exhausted and I am sure this OM is looking like a knight in shining armor right about now. Is there any reason you're aware of that your friend won't consider leaving her alchoholic husband?

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Lauriebell82
I think an emotional affair would be a definite gateway to a physical affair. If your friend is married to an alchoholic she must be absolutely exhausted and I am sure this OM is looking like a knight in shining armor right about now. Is there any reason you're aware of that your friend won't consider leaving her alchoholic husband?

 

Yeah, I mean he's 20, he lives with his mother, and he is still in college. Her husband is in the Air Force. I guess the OM isn't an alcoholic though and dotes on her!

 

She has admitted that she is falling out of love with her husband and has considered leaving, but I guess isn't quite ready yet. She is afraid of being broke and not being able to live in her own apartment. She also says she takes her vows seriously and that she married him and should be sticking by him. But if that were really true, why is she having an emotional affair and lying to her husband? That's certainly not in the vows!

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So what does everyone think? Is this going to lead to a physical affair? Do you think emotional affairs always lead to one?

 

I have no idea what will happen in the future between two people I don't know.

 

I know that sometimes they do, sometimes they fizzle out, sometimes they precede positive change in the original relationship. When we triangle in a third person into a relationship it provides relief from dealing with a situation that feels too difficult to cope with, and that's why we do it. It doesn't address the original problem.

 

There are other ways to deal with difficulties that can address the original issue and your friend might want to consider those also.

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First off, this is NOT about me. I love my husband more than anything. :love:

 

My best friend is married to an alcoholic and their marriage is deteriorating. She is friends with a 20 year old guy (she is 28) and she has started to have romantic feelings for him. She lies to her husband to spend time with him. It hasn't turned physical and she "swears" that it won't.

 

So what does everyone think? Is this going to lead to a physical affair? Do you think emotional affairs always lead to one?

 

Why does it matter? To me, the biggest problem in any affair is the dishonesty. An emotional affair (in my book) is as unforgivable as a physical one. Being unfaithful and lying IS infidelity. So while the progression to sex outside the marriage makes it that much worse, it's already a huge problem.

 

Yes, it's pretty likely that the affair will become physical. It doesn't always happen, but the odds are that it will if she's sneaking around behind her husband's back already and very unhappy in the deteriorating marriage.

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