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Husband of 20 years cheated and is leaving


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I am new here. I am using my niece's account because she suggested I talk to some people about my situation. I tried to register but I am so flustered I don't think I did it right. Here is my story and I'm crying as I type this.

 

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. No kids. I have been with him since I was 16 years old. We were high school sweethearts. I thought our marriage was good. Not too long ago I was telling someone I work with that I KNOW my husband would never cheat on me and that I am very lucky. Well guess what? About a month ago I found out I was dead wrong. My husband has been having an affair for the past four months. The girl is ten years younger than me and I am devastated. I found a picture of her on his computer and found some emails (I started snooping after I found the picture) In the emails they tell eachother how much they love eachother and he calls her beautiful (something he's never called me) and they talk dirty too. I confronted him (I was screaming) and at first he denied it and then he confessed. He told me he is in love with her and that they just connected and are very attached to eachother. He didn't act the least bit sorry. I found her number on his phone and called her. She was more sorry than my own husband was!!! She told me they do have sex and how long they have been seeing eachother. I wa crying the entire time I was talking to her. She just kept saying she was sorry.

I asked her if she loved my husband and she said yes.

 

I feel like my entire life is gone. I have NO ONE. My husband left and went to be with her the night I found out and she sent him back and he told me he knew I was devastated and afraid I would do something stupid. Told me he would try to work things out. That lasted ONE day. All he did was sit around and cry and mope over the OTHER WOMAN!! He said she left him and he couldn't lose her. He didn't even seem to care that he'd hurt me so badly. He told me he loves me but its a friendship kind of love and that he will do anything to help me through this. But that he DOES NOT want to work things out. He tells me that he loves this girl and I keep asking how he can throw 20 years of marriage away over four months? He also kept seeing her. Instead of behind my back he would do it basically in front of me. He'd never tell me where he was going but I knew and he didn't deny it. I checked his phone records and up until 3 days ago they talked for HOURS every day. And when they are not talking I'm afraid its because they are seeing eachother.

 

the first week all I did was cry. And all he did was look at me and sometimes yell at me. I BEG him to hold me, to kiss me to tell me he loves me and he said he can't do this that he feels like he would be cheating on HER!! I want to hate him. But I can't. ALl I can think of is that my life is over. That I have no idea how I will survive without him. Its not financial-I have a good job and he said he will let me stay at our house and pay the mortgage, that I can stay on his insurance, that he will find me an apartment. He just wants rid of me.

 

at first when he came back he slept in the bed. But if I would so much as accidently bump him with my foot he would cringe and move away. He won't even TOUCH me. I told him and begged him to make love to me, to hold me, to let me kiss him and he refuses. He just tells me to eat something and that he's worried about me. I've told him I forgive him for cheating. Wrote him notes telling him how great our life can be if he tries to work this out. Promised him all the things he's ever wanted. But it is almost like he is addicted to this girl. He has told me (and it kills me) that he loves her and he can't stop. That nothing is my fault, it is all him and he just wants out but he can't leave me in this "condition". I go through periods mostly of not wanting to live. I just don't want to wake up in the morning. I go through bouts of BEGGING him to give me a chance. I have threatened his girlfriend (that is what I call her and he doesn't correct me) and when I did that he told me not to hurt her. That I will lose my job or get arrested and I told him I honestly don't care. After I threatened his girlfriend he told me he would stay for good and we'd try to work things out. I was so HAPPY for an entire day even though he still would not touch me. Then I found out he only said that to protect his girlfriend. That he did not want to see anything happen to her.

 

I was furious again. But now I am just defeated. I can't eat, I shake all the time, I can't sleep. My own husband is at our house but its not really "Him" He doesn't want anything to do with me, wont' comfort me. He isn't talking to the girl (I check the cell phone records) but he still says as soon as I can function he is leaving. I yell and scream that I don't want him there if he is leaving. I want him to give US a chance and work things out. I am willing to forgive him for anything. His girlfriend told me this isn't the first time he's cheated. I don't know what to believe but at this point I don't even care. It has been almost a month since I found out and I can't stop crying. I do go to work but every time I come home and he is there we fight or all I can do is sit and stare into space. the other night he fell asleep in a chair and I wrapped my arms around him and held him and felt so much peace. But he woke up and shoved me away and told me I can't do that and he can't hold me because it would give me hope.

 

He says he is staying at the house and we are living separately until I can function. And then he will be a phone call away. He said we will be friends. I don't want to be friends!!! I want my husband back. He even suggested I will feel better as soon as I meet another man and that is what I should do to get over him. How in the hell can MY husband even think about me being with another man? He says this was a long time coming and that he's sorry to hurt me but that he wants to be happy and that our problems were long before this girl. He tells me he doesn't even know if she still wants him but i suspect they are still talking and seeing eachother because he hasn't changed toward me.

 

What is wrong with him?

Why doesn't he want to work things out or at least try? HE is the one who cheated and I forgive him, I don't care as long as he stays with me. but I feel like I'm the one who did something wrong!

How long does this horrible pain last? I can't eat I can't sleep, I don't care if I would die tomorrow.

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I am so, so sorry this happened to you :(

 

First, know that you are strong. Tell yourself that. YOU ARE STRONG. You CAN handle this. You WILL handle this. You will do what needs to be done and no matter what happens you will be better for it.

 

He is in what is called 'the fog' and you need to do what is called 'the 180' on him. Do a search for those terms and some reading.

 

You will go through the five stages of grief for the marriage you had, whether it continues or not.

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

YOU ARE STRONG.

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Lexi....

 

This one is gone...its over....he doesnt want to stay with you.

 

If I were you I would put my energy into thinking about how I'm going to move on rather then why he is doing this.

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WorldIsYours
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. No kids. I have been with him since I was 16 years old. We were high school sweethearts. I thought our marriage was good. Not too long ago I was telling someone I work with that I KNOW my husband would never cheat on me and that I am very lucky. Well guess what? About a month ago I found out I was dead wrong. My husband has been having an affair for the past four months. The girl is ten years younger than me and I am devastated. I found a picture of her on his computer and found some emails (I started snooping after I found the picture) In the emails they tell eachother how much they love eachother and he calls her beautiful (something he's never called me) and they talk dirty too. I confronted him (I was screaming) and at first he denied it and then he confessed.

 

He's a jerk.

 

He told me he is in love with her and that they just connected and are very attached to eachother.

 

What he feels is not love. It's lust and selfishness. He's saying that because he has some new booty. I know those words hurt but really he's just being an idiot.

 

 

 

He didn't act the least bit sorry.

 

That's how ALL cheaters are. He got caught so he's trying to relieve his guilt by blaming you. Classic tactic.

 

I found her number on his phone and called her. She was more sorry than my own husband was!!! She told me they do have sex and how long they have been seeing eachother. I wa crying the entire time I was talking to her. She just kept saying she was sorry.

I asked her if she loved my husband and she said yes.

 

Someone who messes with a married person is not sorry. You think she gives a damn about your feelings????? She hates you. He probably told her some stuff he made up to put you in a bad light. She doesn't love him.

 

I feel like my entire life is gone. I have NO ONE. My husband left and went to be with her the night I found out and she sent him back and he told me he knew I was devastated and afraid I would do something stupid. Told me he would try to work things out. That lasted ONE day. All he did was sit around and cry and mope over the OTHER WOMAN!! He said she left him and he couldn't lose her. He didn't even seem to care that he'd hurt me so badly. He told me he loves me but its a friendship kind of love and that he will do anything to help me through this. But that he DOES NOT want to work things out. He tells me that he loves this girl and I keep asking how he can throw 20 years of marriage away over four months? He also kept seeing her. Instead of behind my back he would do it basically in front of me. He'd never tell me where he was going but I knew and he didn't deny it. I checked his phone records and up until 3 days ago they talked for HOURS every day. And when they are not talking I'm afraid its because they are seeing eachother.

 

The guy is a loser. What you're dealing with here is someone who is comepletely unremorseful. You should've NEVER let him disrespect you by talking about that woman he broke his vows with. You should've cut him off so he can realize that you won't put up with his mess.

 

the first week all I did was cry. And all he did was look at me and sometimes yell at me. I BEG him to hold me, to kiss me to tell me he loves me and he said he can't do this that he feels like he would be cheating on HER!! I want to hate him. But I can't. ALl I can think of is that my life is over. That I have no idea how I will survive without him. Its not financial-I have a good job and he said he will let me stay at our house and pay the mortgage, that I can stay on his insurance, that he will find me an apartment. He just wants rid of me.

 

That was one bad mistake on your part, honey. Giving in is what you should've never done. You let that man walk all over you and even yell at you for what he's done? You WILL SURVIVE without this man. You're in shock right now but you will survive and when this is over he's going to wish he had you. He will pay for this one way or another.

 

After I threatened his girlfriend he told me he would stay for good and we'd try to work things out. I was so HAPPY for an entire day even though he still would not touch me. Then I found out he only said that to protect his girlfriend. That he did not want to see anything happen to her.

 

^^^

He only said that because you were pissed. He doesn't care.

 

He says he is staying at the house and we are living separately until I can function. And then he will be a phone call away. He said we will be friends. I don't want to be friends!!! I want my husband back. He even suggested I will feel better as soon as I meet another man and that is what I should do to get over him. How in the hell can MY husband even think about me being with another man? He says this was a long time coming and that he's sorry to hurt me but that he wants to be happy and that our problems were long before this girl. He tells me he doesn't even know if she still wants him but i suspect they are still talking and seeing eachother because he hasn't changed toward me.

 

Kick him out and throw his **** in the front yard. He wants out then give it to him. You don't need someone like this who's so disrespectful and flaunting the other woman in your face.

 

What is wrong with him?

Why doesn't he want to work things out or at least try? HE is the one who cheated and I forgive him, I don't care as long as he stays with me. but I feel like I'm the one who did something wrong!

How long does this horrible pain last? I can't eat I can't sleep, I don't care if I would die tomorrow.

 

He's doing this because he doesn't care about his marriage, and you letting him walk over you is doing no better. You gotta get your emotions in check for a while, and kick this guy out of the house. Tell him to go over and sleep with his other woman. And you need to file for divorce.

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I'm sorry you are in so much pain and I'm sure some good folks will come along and give you some good advice soon. In the meantime do as the other poster suggested and read up on the 180. Crying and begging him to come back to you or comfort you will only drive him further away.

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I have been where you are now. I met my ex-husband at 17...and never thought he would cheat.

 

In any case, you need to stop begging, stop crying, LEAVE the house (or better yet, kick him out), and start doing good things for yourself. By crying, not eating, moping around, etc you are making yourself very unattractive to your husband.

 

I suggest going to marriage builders website and reading about overcoming infidelity. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

 

Not all stories end well and not all marriages are restored. In my case, it was ultimately my decision to move on after my ex refused to end his 3-year affair (he wanted us both). They are now married (not what you want to hear, I'm sure). But I am also remarried to a wonderful man and am having the best time of my life, which I never thought could have been the case a few years ago.

 

You will be okay. But please take care of yourself, stop crying, start eating again, and go out and have some fun with your friends. Let your husband see the attractive side of you and let him know (or at least think) you're able to have some fun without him. He'll wonder what you're up to and maybe the company of his gf won't be as great as he thinks it is anymore.

 

Good luck to you, sweetie.

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Oh Lexi, I am so sorry you are going through this. Your pain comes shouting out thru your words. I think the biggest challenge you have and will continue to have is him being under the same roof. Since you are still in love with him, you're going to want to hold him and kiss him and pray that he returns the action.

 

Unfortunately, he has totally checked out. He is gone. The sooner you go through the necessary emotions, the faster you'll be able to accept. You're in denial right now. You first went through shock. Next will be anger. Then you'll go on a rollercoaster ride. You'll feel shock, denial and anger all in the same hour or minute. This is when he'll accuse you of being crazy. It's a very difficult period. Next you'll plead. You'll offer everything you can think of to win him back. Cook more, clean more, have sex more, whatever. When that doesn't work, you'll let go. Once you hit the "letting go" stage, you'll begin to heal. You're pain won't be gone, but the pain will finally start to shrink.

 

My Wife had an Emotional Affair in October and told me in November she was no longer in love with me. The difference between your H and my W, is she still treats me like her husband. We still have sex and get along great. But guess what, she is still moving out next week. Talk about confusing. Your H is being very clear and not sending you mixed signals.

 

Allow yourself to go through the proper emotions when you're alone. Try the best you can to start showing signs of recovery when you're with him. Keep us posted on your progress.

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I have nothing additionally to offer to the great advice you have already received. I just wanted to throw out a cyber (((hug))) to you and say, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now.

 

As the others have suggested you will get over this, it just takes time.

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My heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry you are going through this. Reading your post made me cry. I am getting ready to run out the door, so I will give my advice quickly...

 

He seems to be in the "affair fog" as it is often called here. I think to get him back to reality, you need to file for divorce. Right now. Just tell him you are not tolerating this anymore, if he wants to be with her, go be with her, just get out of your house. One of two things will happen: He will leave and not come back. But I highly doubt that. I suspect he will be shocked out of his mind that you actually filed - he might leave for a week or two but once the reality sinks in I think he will come back crawling. No once can guarantee the outcome, but in most of the situations seen here that is generally what happens.

 

Once again, I am so sorry. I second whoever recommended reading up on the 180. It REALLY works - I did it after being cheated on. I do not have the link right now but hopefully someone can come along and direct you to it.

 

Once again, I am so sorry. Keep posting here and asking questions when you feel like you are going to do something irrational or weird - we have all walked in your shoes, it's not weird to us and we know all about the thoughts going through your head right now ;) Good luck, my prayers are with you.

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Thank you all. I seriously feel as though I am drowning. I am so humiliated and embarassed on top of this because I feel like he flaunted his affair. that he was so proud to have a "hot" girlfriend that he told his friends and now people know and I hate that. Why does he still not want to work things out if SHE is out of the picture? Why can't he touch me (he visibly flinches)? Why won't he just hold me when I cry? this is NOT the man I married. I told him it can be like when we first got married. that he can have everything he's always wanted. And he still says no. But he hasn't moved out. WHY? I have gotten mad a few times. Everytime I tell him to leave he does (and probably spend the night at her house) so I stopped doing that. Once I told him I was leaving, that I was going to find an apartment and that I was going to my sister's house for the night. I thought he would talk me out of it if he saw I was serious. Do you know what he did instead? He went and bought a bucket of chicken and ate that and then went to see his girlfriend. I came back home and he was irritated that I'd returned.

 

He tells me he will support me financially for awhile if I need it, that he will always be a phone call away. How in the hell can he dismiss me so easily? HOW? After 20 years. He HATES to see me cry. Sometimes he gets upset other times he yells at me. Lately there has been anger on his part. I don't get it!! I thought that by threatening his girlfriend she would leave him alone and he would come back to me. I've been with him since I was 17! He wasn't my first but he was my first love and I can't imagine loving anyone else. He says he takes all the blame but I feel like it is MY fault and that I should somehow be able to fix it. LIke this is a nightmare and I will wake up and all will be well.

 

I wish I could leave. I always said to him if he ever cheated I would leave. But I just can't. I am not strong enough and I don't want anyone but HIM. I wish I could throw him out. But I want him there. I keep thinking as long as he's still home he might change his mind. WHy is he staying there? Is he really concerned for me? Or does he just not know what he wants. Why is he not remorseful. Why in the hell is he talking about me dating other men being a good idea???? My head is spinning. I want to act like I dont' care, like I am strong, but I am devastated. I dont' know what to do. All I want is my husband back. Will he ever come back? He says it would never work out. That once I get over the fear of being abandoned, I will be angry for what he did. He's been my rock all these years and yes I realize I've taken him for granted but I don't want to lose him. He says even if I tried to make everything better and do all he's always wanted it would be "fake" because I never wanted to do any of that stuff before and its only now that I've lost him that I'm willing to try.

 

How can he walk away from 20 years of marriage for some girl he's been with for four months? And how can he walk away even if she's not with him anymore????

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I agree that begging is not going to be effective. I know this may be hard, but I would call his bluff and ask him to leave. Say that you've reconsidered, and you want him to be happy. If he thinks he is happiest with her, that's where he should be.

 

They've only been "seeing" each other for four months. Many times, when people finally get what they can't have, they find that they don't want it so much after all. If he does indeed leave, then it most likely would have happened anyway, but before he would have taken the affair underground and gaslighted you.

 

You are under 40. Heck, even if you were 70, it doesn't matter! Your life isn't over! You will feel hurt and distrust for a long time, but you can recover and find someone who will love you, will put you and your feelings first, and will be faithful to you.

 

But please stop begging, sweetheart. You simply can't beg someone to love you.

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You have GOT to pull yourself together here. Seriously - you can do it. Go and do a search for the terms mentioned before and do some reading. Wallowing is not going to help you right now. Take a deep breath in and out a few times. He knows perfectly well you won't follow through with your threats to leave, that's why he doesn't care. Until you do it and stick to your guns he will continue to act this way. My guess is that it will take a long time for it to get though to him that you mean it.

 

Read up on the FOG. That will tell you why he is doing these things.

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180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. 180 makes you look and feel strong.

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available, for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

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WorldIsYours
Thank you all. I seriously feel as though I am drowning. I am so humiliated and embarassed on top of this because I feel like he flaunted his affair. that he was so proud to have a "hot" girlfriend that he told his friends and now people know and I hate that. Why does he still not want to work things out if SHE is out of the picture? Why can't he touch me (he visibly flinches)? Why won't he just hold me when I cry? this is NOT the man I married. I told him it can be like when we first got married. that he can have everything he's always wanted. And he still says no. But he hasn't moved out. WHY? I have gotten mad a few times. Everytime I tell him to leave he does (and probably spend the night at her house) so I stopped doing that. Once I told him I was leaving, that I was going to find an apartment and that I was going to my sister's house for the night. I thought he would talk me out of it if he saw I was serious. Do you know what he did instead? He went and bought a bucket of chicken and ate that and then went to see his girlfriend. I came back home and he was irritated that I'd returned.

 

He tells me he will support me financially for awhile if I need it, that he will always be a phone call away. How in the hell can he dismiss me so easily? HOW? After 20 years. He HATES to see me cry. Sometimes he gets upset other times he yells at me. Lately there has been anger on his part. I don't get it!! I thought that by threatening his girlfriend she would leave him alone and he would come back to me. I've been with him since I was 17! He wasn't my first but he was my first love and I can't imagine loving anyone else. He says he takes all the blame but I feel like it is MY fault and that I should somehow be able to fix it. LIke this is a nightmare and I will wake up and all will be well.

 

I wish I could leave. I always said to him if he ever cheated I would leave. But I just can't. I am not strong enough and I don't want anyone but HIM. I wish I could throw him out. But I want him there. I keep thinking as long as he's still home he might change his mind. WHy is he staying there? Is he really concerned for me? Or does he just not know what he wants. Why is he not remorseful. Why in the hell is he talking about me dating other men being a good idea???? My head is spinning. I want to act like I dont' care, like I am strong, but I am devastated. I dont' know what to do. All I want is my husband back. Will he ever come back? He says it would never work out. That once I get over the fear of being abandoned, I will be angry for what he did. He's been my rock all these years and yes I realize I've taken him for granted but I don't want to lose him. He says even if I tried to make everything better and do all he's always wanted it would be "fake" because I never wanted to do any of that stuff before and its only now that I've lost him that I'm willing to try.

 

How can he walk away from 20 years of marriage for some girl he's been with for four months? And how can he walk away even if she's not with him anymore????

 

Because that's how cheaters are. They will throw away everything in their lives for some fling. He easily did that because he wanted to. Because he didn't care for your feelings or the 20-year-marriage. The sooner you realize that the better. I know you're in shock but that's why he's done all of this cheating, lying and disrespect. Because he wanted to. And he feels guilt, so that's why he's blameshifting. You ARE NOT at fault for his immaturity, no matter what that lying bastard says. He's the one with the problems. What you must focus on is to start healing once you let it all out. Vent here if you must. Very sorry for the pain you're going through. But you will survive this and when you do you'll be stronger than you've ever felt.

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GorillaTheater

I'm very sorry, Lexi. The first order of business may be to mobilize a support network among family and friends. We'll support you any way we can, but it can't quite match up to support offered by people in real life. Don't be ashamed of what happened, you did nothing to cause your situation. It was your H's choice to cheat and destroy the marriage; what's going on is entirely on him. So reach out to people in your life and let them know what's going on. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support.

 

Find your footing. Here's a way to start (the "180 list" you'll be hearing about if you haven't already):

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for intervention from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

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Are your husband's parents still living? Do you have a relationship with them? I ask because I'm not so sure I agree with the 180 part about not enlisting relatives.

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GorillaTheater
Are your husband's parents still living? Do you have a relationship with them? I ask because I'm not so sure I agree with the 180 part about not enlisting relatives.

 

I agree with this, and wish I'd seen your 180 list before I reposted it ...

 

I think the family, including his family, needs to be told. Blood is often thicker than water, but support can certainly come from unexpected places. Right now, support is crucial for you Lexi. Don't walk this alone.

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PhoenixRise

First of all, this story as recounted in the OP is posted (in some areas nearly verbatim) in the OW forum from the OW's point of view.

 

OP do you have any support from friends or family? Is it possible for you to see a counselor to help you through this?

 

Because your husband has outright told you he doesn't want to be married to you. He is flaunting his affair in your face. According to what I remember from the other thread, he just wants to eventually push you to rage so he can leave with his conscious somewhat clean.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is accept that the ground underneath your feet has shifted. Accept the facts on the ground.

 

I get it that you want your husband to stay. You want him to WANT to stay. But right now he doesn't. Accept it.

 

Because ain't nothing even remotely appealing or sexy about a weeping, begging, clinging woman. Nothing. The more you show him this, the more he will continue to hold you in contempt.

 

The more you cling. The more determined he will be to get away from you.

 

Take a deep breath. Know that it is going to hurt like hell...and let him go. In fact pack his crap and change the locks. He offered to move out and pay the mortgage...let him. See an attorney get the info you need to move forward.

 

Then nurse your broken heart with the help of people who love and respect you. Talk to your family. Talk to your friends. Talk to a counselor. Post here if it helps. BUT DO NOT allow your husband to see you broken and begging even one more time.

 

You are stronger than you think.

You can do this.

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PortuguesePrincess80
Thank you all. I seriously feel as though I am drowning. I am so humiliated and embarassed on top of this because I feel like he flaunted his affair. that he was so proud to have a "hot" girlfriend that he told his friends and now people know and I hate that.

YOu think his friends are looking up to him for being a coward? Believe me girl...they are feeling sorry for YOU..and not proud of him. Why does he still not want to work things out if SHE is out of the picture? Why can't he touch me (he visibly flinches)? Why won't he just hold me when I cry? this is NOT the man I married. Seriously girl..do you really want to be held by this guy at this point? Do you think what he does or says to you at this point will make up for having an affair?

I told him it can be like when we first got married. that he can have everything he's always wanted. And he still says no. But he hasn't moved out. WHY? I have gotten mad a few times. Everytime I tell him to leave he does (and probably spend the night at her house) so I stopped doing that. Once I told him I was leaving, that I was going to find an apartment and that I was going to my sister's house for the night. I thought he would talk me out of it if he saw I was serious. Do you know what he did instead? He went and bought a bucket of chicken and ate that and then went to see his girlfriend. I came back home and he was irritated that I'd returned. Why did you return? Why are you letting him treat you like this on top of everything he's putting you through? You are being completely vulnerable..and you seriously need to get MAD!!! LIKE SUPER FURIOUS MAD!! He's done you wrong and that is NOT your fault..how can you want things to go back to the way they were so quickly? He's being a coward and is stuck in this lil fog right now. Tell him to pack his crap and go be with her..believe me..he'll regret it in due time..but not if your acting all needy!

 

He tells me he will support me financially for awhile if I need it, that he will always be a phone call away. How in the hell can he dismiss me so easily? HOW? After 20 years. He HATES to see me cry. Sometimes he gets upset other times he yells at me. Lately there has been anger on his part. I don't get it!! I thought that by threatening his girlfriend she would leave him alone and he would come back to me. I've been with him since I was 17! He wasn't my first but he was my first love and I can't imagine loving anyone else. He says he takes all the blame but I feel like it is MY fault and that I should somehow be able to fix it. LIke this is a nightmare and I will wake up and all will be well.

 

I wish I could leave. I always said to him if he ever cheated I would leave. But I just can't. I am not strong enough and I don't want anyone but HIM. I wish I could throw him out. But I want him there. I keep thinking as long as he's still home he might change his mind. WHy is he staying there? Is he really concerned for me? Or does he just not know what he wants. Why is he not remorseful. Why in the hell is he talking about me dating other men being a good idea???? My head is spinning. I want to act like I dont' care, like I am strong, but I am devastated. I dont' know what to do. All I want is my husband back. Will he ever come back? He says it would never work out. That once I get over the fear of being abandoned, I will be angry for what he did. He's been my rock all these years and yes I realize I've taken him for granted but I don't want to lose him. He says even if I tried to make everything better and do all he's always wanted it would be "fake" because I never wanted to do any of that stuff before and its only now that I've lost him that I'm willing to try.

 

How can he walk away from 20 years of marriage for some girl he's been with for four months? And how can he walk away even if she's not with him anymore????

 

Because he's stuck in this lust/affair fog whatever you want to call it. You really have to be strong..not for him but for yourself!!! He's not the only man on this earth...and you are making him out to be this awesome guy...when all he's doing is putting you down? HOnestly..I know what your going through..but in no way would I stand around while he bounces back and forth hoing and humming about this other broad.

 

Can you not just get away for a few weeks??? Like you really really really need to get away from him for awhile. Your life will NOT end because of him. You need to do some soul-searching girl..you are devasted and hurt..I get that..I've been there..but please do NOT lower yourself to him. Stand with pride and dignity and tell him to f off and go be with his b!tch and to never bother contacting you again.

 

Things will fall into place believe me. Whether its with him or without him. You just need to worry about you right now..and screw him. (NOT LITERALLY) :sick: Sheesh.

He's only looking out for himself at this point..so why can't you? YOu know you don't need him...show and prove that to him. He doesnt want a woman throwing herself at his feet..he wants someone whose confident and sure of herself. Go out..join a gym.,..stay with a friend...and dress and pamper yourself like you never have! You will learn a lot about yourself in the process.

 

Good luck and just be strong! Don't feed his ego anymore than it has already been fed! PLEASE!!!

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First of all, I exposed it. You should too. You did not do anything wrong.

 

But guess what YOU are doing by crying and pleading and begging. You ARE already adding to the drama of their affair.....and drama fuels affairs.

 

Your actions are already helping to prolong it. Know why he is really home? Because she does not want to be a) the reason he leaves...too much grown up accountability there and b) she doesn't want to feel badly about what she has helped him do to you.

 

So HE is there only to a) make himself look better in her eyes and b) make both of them feel better about themselves.

 

Exposing the affair and doing the 180 takes you out of their drama. You are no longer the evil spouse keeping them apart from their love.

 

Let them have their love. Let them choke on it. But YOU? You have to remove yourself from their nonsense.....even as your heart is breaking.

 

And you need to get to a counselor, get some anti-depressents, pull yourself together, get to a gym, see old friends and plan for a future without him.

 

Because right now? He gets to go back to his OW and tell her all the wonderful things he is doing to stabilize you so she can still see him as a wonderful guy!

 

Kick him out. Call a therapist and a lawyer, in that order. Get prepared.

 

Because I have seen this scenario with its flip-flopping drag on for years. And you know what finally ended it? When he had left for the OW for the fifth time and she joined a singles group and met a man.

 

When she had truly moved on? His affair was over!

 

I am not saying this will be your outcome. But do NOT add anymore drama to the triangle. That is what the 180 is truly about.

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jnj express

Hey Lex---enuff of this feeling sorry for yourself---it's time you started to lay down the law---and you are to allow no discussion, argument or anything---you just say your piece and that's it----you lay out your demands in a very icy calm, and walk away

 

1. Your scumbag cheating H. goes NC immediately---this is done via E-Mail, with you reading the post and watching it go---this is the only way it is to be done

 

2. If your H. refuses any of your boundaries for staying in this mge, for that is what you are gonna do next---give him his boundaries----tell him, yes he can cheat and do whatever he wants, but you will not stand by and watch him take another woman in violation of his vows---so let him know you will be moving on w/out him---as in D. is on the table immediately

 

3. If your H. refuses any of this---tell him he has one week to get his belongings together and leave---he actually is entitled to be in the community home---but at this point he may not know this

 

4. Put all marital assets, in an acct. at the bank with your name on the account, ONLY---cancel all joint credit cards, and cancel all his credit cards---It doesn't matter if he is the only wage earner---he is not to waste any more marital assets on the other woman

 

You need to stand up on your own 2 feet---and do something about your life, and if you so wish your mge.

 

You MUST take an extremely hard line---for nothing else really works---go to all the infidelity websites, you can, and read all the stories, in almost EVERY SITUATION the cheater did not wake up until they were kicked in the pants HARD, and forced to look at reality

 

Right now your H., isn't thinking about you getting half or more of everything---he has no reality---all he has is fantasy---hot passion, whispered nothings, infatuation---If you want a mge---he must be taken out of his rapture, and brought back down to real life---if it doesn't happen, then you know where you stand , and you know what must be done

 

Its time you stood tall, and drew your line in the sand----good luck

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My dear,

I am so sorry for your loss. I think if he would have died it would have been better for you. I too have suffered through the rejection of someone I truly had cherished and thought my life was set with. Like you, I could not eat neither could I sleep through those first horrifying nights. You are not the lone ranger. For me the sun did start shining, my scar healed badly but others do better. My heart goes out to you.

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Thank you all for your support. Someone said my story was posted on another forum from HER point of view. It makes me sick that she might be using this web site as well. I am using my niece's account and she's in her mid twenties and the b*tch that slept with my husband is 30 I believe so she could be on here too. The thought makes me ill. This weekend was a nightmare. I had to work most of it but that didn't help. I just wondered if he was sneaking around with her. Every time he picks up his lap top I start crying because I think he is contacting her. There has been no phone activity between the two of them for a week. I don't know why he went from telling me there is no way I can stop them from talking to not talking to her. This gives me hope. But what kills that hope is that he STILL isn't acting any differently toward me. He will fix me something to eat (I don't want to eat) or things like that but he refuses to touch me or let me anywhere near him. I tell him I love him, that I will do anything to work this out. I try to bring up old memories of happy times and he just gets MAD.

 

I know everyone is saying to STOP crying and stop trying to win him back. But I'm terrified if I act disinterested that he will just run to HER and forget all about me. I can not comprehend how he can just throw 20 years away!!! I asked him if he thinks we will ever get back together, like we might meet up in the future and work things out and he just looked at me sadly and shook his head and said NO.

If he could have everything he's ever wanted with me, if I am willing to do anything he asks, I've already forgiven him for HER. I don't even care that he cheated. I just want him back. If I am willing to do ALL of that? Why in the world won't he give our marriage a chance?

 

If the sl*t that ruined my marriage was totally gone- wouldn't contact him at all anymore and he knew he couldn't have her- would he give me a chance? He told me he doesn't even know if she wants anything to do with him, but if that were the case I would think he would be upset. She tried to get him to come back to me and it lasted ONE day and all he did was mope around and when I asked him what was wrong he told me he missed HER. He isn't moping now. He seems normal, almost cheerful until I speak to him, then he gets mad or frustrated. I don't know how they could still be talking because it doesn't show up on his phone but he doesn't seem upset.

 

How can someone he's only known for 4 months be more important than our 20 years of history? He tells me that he was unhappy for years but he never talked to me about it. I told him I thought things were normal because thats just how "we" were. I told him I realized I took him for granted and never will again. I can't stop crying. I know I need to. But I just want my old life back. I don't know how to function without him.

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bentnotbroken

I felt all those feelings. :(. I wanted my old life back. I was terrified, but better yet, I was pissed off. It helped to move me from the tears and despair. :mad:How dare he throw away 20+ years for somebody else's wife? How dare he treat me and my children with such disrespect and arrogance. When it hit me that I am worth more than any part of his or her trifling nature...my thought process began to change. Did it hurt to get there...yes(still does on occasion) but you couldn't give me my old life back.

 

There is a freedom in realizing how much I am worth and I have learned to value that. The 180 isn't to shove someone toward another but it is to help you get to the point of seeing yourself for all you are worth. As long as you believe you can't live without him...you won't. Even if he comes back home...you won't live. You will be too consumed with his wants, needs, and thoughts. You will wonder if you are doing enough, doing it the right way and trying to make changes that aren't uplifting for you.

 

You will be suspicious and then you will bury your head in the sand if you suspect something, because you have decided you can't live without him and so you will ignore you needs, wants, desires. You will become a shell of the person you were. There will a smile plastered on your face will you heart and soul dies a little each day. Is any one worth your life? Your hopes and dreams? Your needs?

 

At one point I foolishly believed that Mr. Messy was worth my last breath. I decided he deserved to be happy at all costs, including my life...literally. You don't want to go there. I recognize the pain you are in and the fact that your scope of vision is limited right now. But if you can hang on to the advice of those who have been there and know where you are in the process, your vision will become clearer with each acknowledgement of reality.

 

I didn't read any other of the posts before writing this, so forgive me if the things I said have already been stated. Please....understand the value your life adds to so many, don't let him deprive you or those people that value.

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I am so sorry you are in such pain, your despair just comes through in your writing, you say you just want your husband back, your marriage back. The man you thought your husband was, isn't who he really is and your marriage too isn't what you thought. Most BS are from the It Will Never Happen to Me school of thought, hell, if we thought that we would have run for the hills the moment we saw them coming. That is what you need to do now, because the H you have lived with for 20 years is not the man you are appealing to or looking to for love. Everytime you show your pain, he will feel ashamed, angry at himself and project this onto being angry with and at you. No, it isn't right or fair or any of those things. When you cry in front of him, it just reinforces what an utter s*** he is.

 

You have a lot of anger toward the OW, call her a slut and threaten her. Stop! instead direct all that anger and negativity toward your H, he chose to do what he did, knowing it would hurt you. I am not condoning her actions in enabling him to have an A, but you tell him you love him, yet hate her, does that make any sense? Can you see that it prevents you from really looking at the man you have spent 20 years without shifting blame? The blame is his, the fault for your hurt lies with him. He sounds like a piece of work, could you ask yourself if he was the man he is now all those years ago that you would have chosen him? Because that is who he is, he shows no remorse or understanding of your pain, for shame on him.

 

The 180 sounds like sensible advice, I would act like he wasn't there, I would get myself all primped and preened, get on my gladrags and even if I had to go sit in my friends drinking coffee until the wee hours, would do so. If only to show that I too was entitled to a life. Hell I have done that on more than one occasions, it sure helps them to focus on you as a woman and not a wife. I know you are hurt, bleeding in pain, confused and all those horrible negative feelings. I am sorry to say, but it doesn't sound promising what he does. You cannot change what has happened, you cannot change how he reacts toward your distress, but you sure can change how you deal with it. Start taking charge of what is, not what was. Start by asking him to leave, give him a date to leave, but before that, get some time where he can realise that you intend to move forward to.

 

Please, please, no begging, pleading or any of that, I understand why, but if you feel desparate, come on here, vent, wail, whatever, but don't let him see your pain to the detriment of your dignity. You are worth more. No more slagging of the OW, put the blame firmly where it belongs, with him, it will help to see him for what he is, cold, unfeeling and not worth you.

 

I hope you can, come back and post, we will all be here for you.

Much much love Seren xx

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