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Husband of 20 years cheated and is leaving


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Old 11th March 2011, 4:06 PM   #1
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Husband of 20 years cheated and is leaving

I am new here. I am using my niece's account because she suggested I talk to some people about my situation. I tried to register but I am so flustered I don't think I did it right. Here is my story and I'm crying as I type this.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. No kids. I have been with him since I was 16 years old. We were high school sweethearts. I thought our marriage was good. Not too long ago I was telling someone I work with that I KNOW my husband would never cheat on me and that I am very lucky. Well guess what? About a month ago I found out I was dead wrong. My husband has been having an affair for the past four months. The girl is ten years younger than me and I am devastated. I found a picture of her on his computer and found some emails (I started snooping after I found the picture) In the emails they tell eachother how much they love eachother and he calls her beautiful (something he's never called me) and they talk dirty too. I confronted him (I was screaming) and at first he denied it and then he confessed. He told me he is in love with her and that they just connected and are very attached to eachother. He didn't act the least bit sorry. I found her number on his phone and called her. She was more sorry than my own husband was!!! She told me they do have sex and how long they have been seeing eachother. I wa crying the entire time I was talking to her. She just kept saying she was sorry.
I asked her if she loved my husband and she said yes.

I feel like my entire life is gone. I have NO ONE. My husband left and went to be with her the night I found out and she sent him back and he told me he knew I was devastated and afraid I would do something stupid. Told me he would try to work things out. That lasted ONE day. All he did was sit around and cry and mope over the OTHER WOMAN!! He said she left him and he couldn't lose her. He didn't even seem to care that he'd hurt me so badly. He told me he loves me but its a friendship kind of love and that he will do anything to help me through this. But that he DOES NOT want to work things out. He tells me that he loves this girl and I keep asking how he can throw 20 years of marriage away over four months? He also kept seeing her. Instead of behind my back he would do it basically in front of me. He'd never tell me where he was going but I knew and he didn't deny it. I checked his phone records and up until 3 days ago they talked for HOURS every day. And when they are not talking I'm afraid its because they are seeing eachother.

the first week all I did was cry. And all he did was look at me and sometimes yell at me. I BEG him to hold me, to kiss me to tell me he loves me and he said he can't do this that he feels like he would be cheating on HER!! I want to hate him. But I can't. ALl I can think of is that my life is over. That I have no idea how I will survive without him. Its not financial-I have a good job and he said he will let me stay at our house and pay the mortgage, that I can stay on his insurance, that he will find me an apartment. He just wants rid of me.

at first when he came back he slept in the bed. But if I would so much as accidently bump him with my foot he would cringe and move away. He won't even TOUCH me. I told him and begged him to make love to me, to hold me, to let me kiss him and he refuses. He just tells me to eat something and that he's worried about me. I've told him I forgive him for cheating. Wrote him notes telling him how great our life can be if he tries to work this out. Promised him all the things he's ever wanted. But it is almost like he is addicted to this girl. He has told me (and it kills me) that he loves her and he can't stop. That nothing is my fault, it is all him and he just wants out but he can't leave me in this "condition". I go through periods mostly of not wanting to live. I just don't want to wake up in the morning. I go through bouts of BEGGING him to give me a chance. I have threatened his girlfriend (that is what I call her and he doesn't correct me) and when I did that he told me not to hurt her. That I will lose my job or get arrested and I told him I honestly don't care. After I threatened his girlfriend he told me he would stay for good and we'd try to work things out. I was so HAPPY for an entire day even though he still would not touch me. Then I found out he only said that to protect his girlfriend. That he did not want to see anything happen to her.

I was furious again. But now I am just defeated. I can't eat, I shake all the time, I can't sleep. My own husband is at our house but its not really "Him" He doesn't want anything to do with me, wont' comfort me. He isn't talking to the girl (I check the cell phone records) but he still says as soon as I can function he is leaving. I yell and scream that I don't want him there if he is leaving. I want him to give US a chance and work things out. I am willing to forgive him for anything. His girlfriend told me this isn't the first time he's cheated. I don't know what to believe but at this point I don't even care. It has been almost a month since I found out and I can't stop crying. I do go to work but every time I come home and he is there we fight or all I can do is sit and stare into space. the other night he fell asleep in a chair and I wrapped my arms around him and held him and felt so much peace. But he woke up and shoved me away and told me I can't do that and he can't hold me because it would give me hope.

He says he is staying at the house and we are living separately until I can function. And then he will be a phone call away. He said we will be friends. I don't want to be friends!!! I want my husband back. He even suggested I will feel better as soon as I meet another man and that is what I should do to get over him. How in the hell can MY husband even think about me being with another man? He says this was a long time coming and that he's sorry to hurt me but that he wants to be happy and that our problems were long before this girl. He tells me he doesn't even know if she still wants him but i suspect they are still talking and seeing eachother because he hasn't changed toward me.

What is wrong with him?
Why doesn't he want to work things out or at least try? HE is the one who cheated and I forgive him, I don't care as long as he stays with me. but I feel like I'm the one who did something wrong!
How long does this horrible pain last? I can't eat I can't sleep, I don't care if I would die tomorrow.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:18 PM   #2
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I am so, so sorry this happened to you

First, know that you are strong. Tell yourself that. YOU ARE STRONG. You CAN handle this. You WILL handle this. You will do what needs to be done and no matter what happens you will be better for it.

He is in what is called 'the fog' and you need to do what is called 'the 180' on him. Do a search for those terms and some reading.

You will go through the five stages of grief for the marriage you had, whether it continues or not.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

YOU ARE STRONG.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:29 PM   #3
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Lexi....

This one is gone...its over....he doesnt want to stay with you.

If I were you I would put my energy into thinking about how I'm going to move on rather then why he is doing this.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:29 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lexi29 View Post
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. No kids. I have been with him since I was 16 years old. We were high school sweethearts. I thought our marriage was good. Not too long ago I was telling someone I work with that I KNOW my husband would never cheat on me and that I am very lucky. Well guess what? About a month ago I found out I was dead wrong. My husband has been having an affair for the past four months. The girl is ten years younger than me and I am devastated. I found a picture of her on his computer and found some emails (I started snooping after I found the picture) In the emails they tell eachother how much they love eachother and he calls her beautiful (something he's never called me) and they talk dirty too. I confronted him (I was screaming) and at first he denied it and then he confessed.
He's a jerk.

Quote:
He told me he is in love with her and that they just connected and are very attached to eachother.
What he feels is not love. It's lust and selfishness. He's saying that because he has some new booty. I know those words hurt but really he's just being an idiot.



Quote:
He didn't act the least bit sorry.
That's how ALL cheaters are. He got caught so he's trying to relieve his guilt by blaming you. Classic tactic.

Quote:
I found her number on his phone and called her. She was more sorry than my own husband was!!! She told me they do have sex and how long they have been seeing eachother. I wa crying the entire time I was talking to her. She just kept saying she was sorry.
I asked her if she loved my husband and she said yes.
Someone who messes with a married person is not sorry. You think she gives a damn about your feelings????? She hates you. He probably told her some stuff he made up to put you in a bad light. She doesn't love him.

Quote:
I feel like my entire life is gone. I have NO ONE. My husband left and went to be with her the night I found out and she sent him back and he told me he knew I was devastated and afraid I would do something stupid. Told me he would try to work things out. That lasted ONE day. All he did was sit around and cry and mope over the OTHER WOMAN!! He said she left him and he couldn't lose her. He didn't even seem to care that he'd hurt me so badly. He told me he loves me but its a friendship kind of love and that he will do anything to help me through this. But that he DOES NOT want to work things out. He tells me that he loves this girl and I keep asking how he can throw 20 years of marriage away over four months? He also kept seeing her. Instead of behind my back he would do it basically in front of me. He'd never tell me where he was going but I knew and he didn't deny it. I checked his phone records and up until 3 days ago they talked for HOURS every day. And when they are not talking I'm afraid its because they are seeing eachother.
The guy is a loser. What you're dealing with here is someone who is comepletely unremorseful. You should've NEVER let him disrespect you by talking about that woman he broke his vows with. You should've cut him off so he can realize that you won't put up with his mess.

Quote:
the first week all I did was cry. And all he did was look at me and sometimes yell at me. I BEG him to hold me, to kiss me to tell me he loves me and he said he can't do this that he feels like he would be cheating on HER!! I want to hate him. But I can't. ALl I can think of is that my life is over. That I have no idea how I will survive without him. Its not financial-I have a good job and he said he will let me stay at our house and pay the mortgage, that I can stay on his insurance, that he will find me an apartment. He just wants rid of me.
That was one bad mistake on your part, honey. Giving in is what you should've never done. You let that man walk all over you and even yell at you for what he's done? You WILL SURVIVE without this man. You're in shock right now but you will survive and when this is over he's going to wish he had you. He will pay for this one way or another.

Quote:
After I threatened his girlfriend he told me he would stay for good and we'd try to work things out. I was so HAPPY for an entire day even though he still would not touch me. Then I found out he only said that to protect his girlfriend. That he did not want to see anything happen to her.
^^^
He only said that because you were pissed. He doesn't care.

Quote:
He says he is staying at the house and we are living separately until I can function. And then he will be a phone call away. He said we will be friends. I don't want to be friends!!! I want my husband back. He even suggested I will feel better as soon as I meet another man and that is what I should do to get over him. How in the hell can MY husband even think about me being with another man? He says this was a long time coming and that he's sorry to hurt me but that he wants to be happy and that our problems were long before this girl. He tells me he doesn't even know if she still wants him but i suspect they are still talking and seeing eachother because he hasn't changed toward me.
Kick him out and throw his **** in the front yard. He wants out then give it to him. You don't need someone like this who's so disrespectful and flaunting the other woman in your face.

Quote:
What is wrong with him?
Why doesn't he want to work things out or at least try? HE is the one who cheated and I forgive him, I don't care as long as he stays with me. but I feel like I'm the one who did something wrong!
How long does this horrible pain last? I can't eat I can't sleep, I don't care if I would die tomorrow.
He's doing this because he doesn't care about his marriage, and you letting him walk over you is doing no better. You gotta get your emotions in check for a while, and kick this guy out of the house. Tell him to go over and sleep with his other woman. And you need to file for divorce.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:29 PM   #5
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I'm sorry you are in so much pain and I'm sure some good folks will come along and give you some good advice soon. In the meantime do as the other poster suggested and read up on the 180. Crying and begging him to come back to you or comfort you will only drive him further away.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:32 PM   #6
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I have been where you are now. I met my ex-husband at 17...and never thought he would cheat.

In any case, you need to stop begging, stop crying, LEAVE the house (or better yet, kick him out), and start doing good things for yourself. By crying, not eating, moping around, etc you are making yourself very unattractive to your husband.

I suggest going to marriage builders website and reading about overcoming infidelity. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Not all stories end well and not all marriages are restored. In my case, it was ultimately my decision to move on after my ex refused to end his 3-year affair (he wanted us both). They are now married (not what you want to hear, I'm sure). But I am also remarried to a wonderful man and am having the best time of my life, which I never thought could have been the case a few years ago.

You will be okay. But please take care of yourself, stop crying, start eating again, and go out and have some fun with your friends. Let your husband see the attractive side of you and let him know (or at least think) you're able to have some fun without him. He'll wonder what you're up to and maybe the company of his gf won't be as great as he thinks it is anymore.

Good luck to you, sweetie.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:33 PM   #7
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Oh Lexi, I am so sorry you are going through this. Your pain comes shouting out thru your words. I think the biggest challenge you have and will continue to have is him being under the same roof. Since you are still in love with him, you're going to want to hold him and kiss him and pray that he returns the action.

Unfortunately, he has totally checked out. He is gone. The sooner you go through the necessary emotions, the faster you'll be able to accept. You're in denial right now. You first went through shock. Next will be anger. Then you'll go on a rollercoaster ride. You'll feel shock, denial and anger all in the same hour or minute. This is when he'll accuse you of being crazy. It's a very difficult period. Next you'll plead. You'll offer everything you can think of to win him back. Cook more, clean more, have sex more, whatever. When that doesn't work, you'll let go. Once you hit the "letting go" stage, you'll begin to heal. You're pain won't be gone, but the pain will finally start to shrink.

My Wife had an Emotional Affair in October and told me in November she was no longer in love with me. The difference between your H and my W, is she still treats me like her husband. We still have sex and get along great. But guess what, she is still moving out next week. Talk about confusing. Your H is being very clear and not sending you mixed signals.

Allow yourself to go through the proper emotions when you're alone. Try the best you can to start showing signs of recovery when you're with him. Keep us posted on your progress.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:40 PM   #8
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I have nothing additionally to offer to the great advice you have already received. I just wanted to throw out a cyber (((hug))) to you and say, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now.

As the others have suggested you will get over this, it just takes time.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:41 PM   #9
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My heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry you are going through this. Reading your post made me cry. I am getting ready to run out the door, so I will give my advice quickly...

He seems to be in the "affair fog" as it is often called here. I think to get him back to reality, you need to file for divorce. Right now. Just tell him you are not tolerating this anymore, if he wants to be with her, go be with her, just get out of your house. One of two things will happen: He will leave and not come back. But I highly doubt that. I suspect he will be shocked out of his mind that you actually filed - he might leave for a week or two but once the reality sinks in I think he will come back crawling. No once can guarantee the outcome, but in most of the situations seen here that is generally what happens.

Once again, I am so sorry. I second whoever recommended reading up on the 180. It REALLY works - I did it after being cheated on. I do not have the link right now but hopefully someone can come along and direct you to it.

Once again, I am so sorry. Keep posting here and asking questions when you feel like you are going to do something irrational or weird - we have all walked in your shoes, it's not weird to us and we know all about the thoughts going through your head right now Good luck, my prayers are with you.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:45 PM   #10
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Thank you all. I seriously feel as though I am drowning. I am so humiliated and embarassed on top of this because I feel like he flaunted his affair. that he was so proud to have a "hot" girlfriend that he told his friends and now people know and I hate that. Why does he still not want to work things out if SHE is out of the picture? Why can't he touch me (he visibly flinches)? Why won't he just hold me when I cry? this is NOT the man I married. I told him it can be like when we first got married. that he can have everything he's always wanted. And he still says no. But he hasn't moved out. WHY? I have gotten mad a few times. Everytime I tell him to leave he does (and probably spend the night at her house) so I stopped doing that. Once I told him I was leaving, that I was going to find an apartment and that I was going to my sister's house for the night. I thought he would talk me out of it if he saw I was serious. Do you know what he did instead? He went and bought a bucket of chicken and ate that and then went to see his girlfriend. I came back home and he was irritated that I'd returned.

He tells me he will support me financially for awhile if I need it, that he will always be a phone call away. How in the hell can he dismiss me so easily? HOW? After 20 years. He HATES to see me cry. Sometimes he gets upset other times he yells at me. Lately there has been anger on his part. I don't get it!! I thought that by threatening his girlfriend she would leave him alone and he would come back to me. I've been with him since I was 17! He wasn't my first but he was my first love and I can't imagine loving anyone else. He says he takes all the blame but I feel like it is MY fault and that I should somehow be able to fix it. LIke this is a nightmare and I will wake up and all will be well.

I wish I could leave. I always said to him if he ever cheated I would leave. But I just can't. I am not strong enough and I don't want anyone but HIM. I wish I could throw him out. But I want him there. I keep thinking as long as he's still home he might change his mind. WHy is he staying there? Is he really concerned for me? Or does he just not know what he wants. Why is he not remorseful. Why in the hell is he talking about me dating other men being a good idea???? My head is spinning. I want to act like I dont' care, like I am strong, but I am devastated. I dont' know what to do. All I want is my husband back. Will he ever come back? He says it would never work out. That once I get over the fear of being abandoned, I will be angry for what he did. He's been my rock all these years and yes I realize I've taken him for granted but I don't want to lose him. He says even if I tried to make everything better and do all he's always wanted it would be "fake" because I never wanted to do any of that stuff before and its only now that I've lost him that I'm willing to try.

How can he walk away from 20 years of marriage for some girl he's been with for four months? And how can he walk away even if she's not with him anymore????
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:49 PM   #11
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I agree that begging is not going to be effective. I know this may be hard, but I would call his bluff and ask him to leave. Say that you've reconsidered, and you want him to be happy. If he thinks he is happiest with her, that's where he should be.

They've only been "seeing" each other for four months. Many times, when people finally get what they can't have, they find that they don't want it so much after all. If he does indeed leave, then it most likely would have happened anyway, but before he would have taken the affair underground and gaslighted you.

You are under 40. Heck, even if you were 70, it doesn't matter! Your life isn't over! You will feel hurt and distrust for a long time, but you can recover and find someone who will love you, will put you and your feelings first, and will be faithful to you.

But please stop begging, sweetheart. You simply can't beg someone to love you.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:53 PM   #12
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You have GOT to pull yourself together here. Seriously - you can do it. Go and do a search for the terms mentioned before and do some reading. Wallowing is not going to help you right now. Take a deep breath in and out a few times. He knows perfectly well you won't follow through with your threats to leave, that's why he doesn't care. Until you do it and stick to your guns he will continue to act this way. My guess is that it will take a long time for it to get though to him that you mean it.

Read up on the FOG. That will tell you why he is doing these things.
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:53 PM   #13
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180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. 180 makes you look and feel strong.
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available, for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
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Old 11th March 2011, 4:53 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lexi29 View Post
Thank you all. I seriously feel as though I am drowning. I am so humiliated and embarassed on top of this because I feel like he flaunted his affair. that he was so proud to have a "hot" girlfriend that he told his friends and now people know and I hate that. Why does he still not want to work things out if SHE is out of the picture? Why can't he touch me (he visibly flinches)? Why won't he just hold me when I cry? this is NOT the man I married. I told him it can be like when we first got married. that he can have everything he's always wanted. And he still says no. But he hasn't moved out. WHY? I have gotten mad a few times. Everytime I tell him to leave he does (and probably spend the night at her house) so I stopped doing that. Once I told him I was leaving, that I was going to find an apartment and that I was going to my sister's house for the night. I thought he would talk me out of it if he saw I was serious. Do you know what he did instead? He went and bought a bucket of chicken and ate that and then went to see his girlfriend. I came back home and he was irritated that I'd returned.

He tells me he will support me financially for awhile if I need it, that he will always be a phone call away. How in the hell can he dismiss me so easily? HOW? After 20 years. He HATES to see me cry. Sometimes he gets upset other times he yells at me. Lately there has been anger on his part. I don't get it!! I thought that by threatening his girlfriend she would leave him alone and he would come back to me. I've been with him since I was 17! He wasn't my first but he was my first love and I can't imagine loving anyone else. He says he takes all the blame but I feel like it is MY fault and that I should somehow be able to fix it. LIke this is a nightmare and I will wake up and all will be well.

I wish I could leave. I always said to him if he ever cheated I would leave. But I just can't. I am not strong enough and I don't want anyone but HIM. I wish I could throw him out. But I want him there. I keep thinking as long as he's still home he might change his mind. WHy is he staying there? Is he really concerned for me? Or does he just not know what he wants. Why is he not remorseful. Why in the hell is he talking about me dating other men being a good idea???? My head is spinning. I want to act like I dont' care, like I am strong, but I am devastated. I dont' know what to do. All I want is my husband back. Will he ever come back? He says it would never work out. That once I get over the fear of being abandoned, I will be angry for what he did. He's been my rock all these years and yes I realize I've taken him for granted but I don't want to lose him. He says even if I tried to make everything better and do all he's always wanted it would be "fake" because I never wanted to do any of that stuff before and its only now that I've lost him that I'm willing to try.

How can he walk away from 20 years of marriage for some girl he's been with for four months? And how can he walk away even if she's not with him anymore????
Because that's how cheaters are. They will throw away everything in their lives for some fling. He easily did that because he wanted to. Because he didn't care for your feelings or the 20-year-marriage. The sooner you realize that the better. I know you're in shock but that's why he's done all of this cheating, lying and disrespect. Because he wanted to. And he feels guilt, so that's why he's blameshifting. You ARE NOT at fault for his immaturity, no matter what that lying bastard says. He's the one with the problems. What you must focus on is to start healing once you let it all out. Vent here if you must. Very sorry for the pain you're going through. But you will survive this and when you do you'll be stronger than you've ever felt.
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Old 11th March 2011, 5:00 PM   #15
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I'm very sorry, Lexi. The first order of business may be to mobilize a support network among family and friends. We'll support you any way we can, but it can't quite match up to support offered by people in real life. Don't be ashamed of what happened, you did nothing to cause your situation. It was your H's choice to cheat and destroy the marriage; what's going on is entirely on him. So reach out to people in your life and let them know what's going on. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support.

Find your footing. Here's a way to start (the "180 list" you'll be hearing about if you haven't already):

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for intervention from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
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