When is an affair considered an overlapping relationship?

[Sharon1961]

I was talking with a friend about someone we know. I mentioned that she got divorced and then started seeing someone right away. My friend commented that she was probably seeing him before she got divorced.

 

This woman wanted out of her marriage but I guess was either waiting for someone else or looking before she left.

 

It seems that a lot of people, when faced with failing marriages, line someone else up so they don't have to be single.

 

I know people on this board have talked about these being "exit affairs" but it seems like maybe they're more like overlapping relationships. Or lining someone up?

 

Is there a distinction?

Edited February 21, 2011 by Sharon1961

[Spark1111]

Hmmm....good question!

 

I think exit affairs are characterized by quick and decisive actions to initiate divorce.

 

The marriage was over waaaay before the MM/MW crashed into someone new. They marry each other fairly quickly. Generally, people are happy and supportive of the "new" relationship as they realized how miserable both parties were in the former marriage. Proven by longevity.

 

Overlapping relationships? Harder to tell on that one. Some people need the confidence of attracting a new person before they leave a bad marriage.

 

But the new person may be a stepping stone, or a crutch against loneliness, not necessarily the next long-term partner.

[Sharon1961]

Hmmm....good question!

 

I think exit affairs are characterized by quick and decisive actions to initiate divorce.

 

The marriage was over waaaay before the MM/MW crashed into someone new. They marry each other fairly quickly. Generally, people are happy and supportive of the "new" relationship as they realized how miserable both parties were in the former marriage. Proven by longevity.

 

Overlapping relationships? Harder to tell on that one. Some people need the confidence of attracting a new person before they leave a bad marriage.

 

But the new person may be a stepping stone, or a crutch against loneliness, not necessarily the next long-term partner.

 

Thanks Spark. I'm thinking that perhaps a difference between exit affair and overlapping relationship might be the degree to which the parties are involved.

 

Somehow an exit affair seems like the two are more invested. While an overlapping relationship might not have gotten as far along with intimacy.

 

Either way, it seems they are both done quite a lot. Like you said they are probably characterized by quick and decisive action. It might still be messy and hurtful but there is moving forward and closure and not the longterm deception.

[Spark1111]

Maybe it could be how committed the two parties leaving a marriage are.

 

An exit affair, pretty committed I would venture.

 

Overlapping relationship? Not as much so, I would think. It could be that dreaded rebound relationship, which if you haven't figured out your contribution to marital caput, you are just bringing it along with you to the next relationship.

 

How many times do we hear of someone leaving a marriage and being quickly with a new partner and then a year or two goes by and THAT relationship goes caput? I think often.

 

Then, they up and marry the NEXT person and ride off into the sunset. I sense overlapping is often, NOT ALWAYS, a bridge out of a bad situtation but not THE ONE, KWIM?

[Sharon1961]

Maybe it could be how committed the two parties leaving a marriage are.

 

An exit affair, pretty committed I would venture.

 

Overlapping relationship? Not as much so, I would think. It could be that dreaded rebound relationship, which if you haven't figured out your contribution to marital caput, you are just bringing it along with you to the next relationship.

 

How many times do we hear of someone leaving a marriage and being quickly with a new partner and then a year or two goes by and THAT relationship goes caput? I think often.

 

Then, they up and marry the NEXT person and ride off into the sunset. I sense overlapping is often, NOT ALWAYS, a bridge out of a bad situtation but not THE ONE, KWIM?

 

From what I've seen, that sounds pretty accurate. It seems like an exit affair might imply more of a connection and depth while an overlapping relationship is the preliminary stage of getting to know one another. A bridge sounds right.

[Spark1111]

From what I've seen, that sounds pretty accurate. It seems like an exit affair might imply more of a connection and depth while an overlapping relationship is the preliminary stage of getting to know one another. A bridge sounds right.

 

The only problem I see? Is if the bridge doesn't know that is what they are; if they have serious emotions for the one divorcing, but the one divorcing is thinking that the new partner is "good enough for now," or "at least I am not alone."

 

Yikes! A collapsibile bridge, otherwise known as the Plan B default choice.

 

And who, in their right mind, would sign up for that heartbreak?

[neveragain1]

just like monkeys

 

gotta grab on to one vine before letting go of the other.

[20Seconds]

Hmmm....good question!

 

I think exit affairs are characterized by quick and decisive actions to initiate divorce.

 

 

I had an exit A and altogether there were 3 weeks between the start of the A and D-Day. After my H discovered the A we agreed to divorce immediately.

 

My M was "over" in my head and heart at least 2 years prior, so it was no knee-jerk reaction and although I regret not being able to be honest with my exH before the A, it was the right decision to separate.

 

I've never otherwise had any kind of overlapping relationship and I don't think I lined someone else up to avoid ending up alone because my AP was also married and 18 months later, still is.

 

Although after a while I hoped for more with my AP, I certainly had no fantasies about us being together at the beginning, since we had only just met.

[Spark1111]

I had an exit A and altogether there were 3 weeks between the start of the A and D-Day. After my H discovered the A we agreed to divorce immediately.

 

My M was "over" in my head and heart at least 2 years prior, so it was no knee-jerk reaction and although I regret not being able to be honest with my exH before the A, it was the right decision to separate.

 

I've never otherwise had any kind of overlapping relationship and I don't think I lined someone else up to avoid ending up alone because my AP was also married and 18 months later, still is.

 

Although after a while I hoped for more with my AP, I certainly had no fantasies about us being together at the beginning, since we had only just met.

 

I think you prove my point 20second: You had no expectation of your AP committing to you, but still, you ended the marriage without regret immediately upon discovery and have not looked back (so it seems to me).

 

That is an exit affair. And if not your AP, then someone new will appear on the horizon.

 

But you knew your marriage was over, and the affair was your catalyst to end it.

 

Exit affair=no flip-flopping between spouse and AP, IMO, sometimes for years!