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Financial infidelity??


datura_noir

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I would just like to know how many people's partners commited this?

 

Did your spouse hide assets/funds from you?

 

I found out after my H's affair that he had been hiding small sums of cash, and making cash withdrawals, loaning money to OP and just generally being irresponsible.

 

This is not to say that I was not a spendthrift; but the difference here is, I had no access to our bank account, yet my pay was direct deposited. All I had was a debit card, which really shouldn't have been given to me at the time, since I was not married and not a family member (according to our bank).

 

When I would buy something using our card, it was limited. Like an allowance. If I ran out, I had to call him to add funds so I could pay.

 

I received a bonus of sorts from work, in the amount of $1,800. I found out after the A, that he immediately withdrew this and loaned it to his OW for her living and court expenses.

 

About 2 months after we decided to reconcile, he finally (under duress), gave me full access to the account. I saw so many withdrawals and expenditures. I also found a stash of about $300 in his office.

 

He admitted to control issues, esp. with money, and seems to have taken on a more equal footing in our finances.

 

Nothing he does with our money is secret now; he does have a corporate CC (which he used to pay for his sweet goodbye with the OW), I have no access to, but if there is a payment to it, it has to be posted to our account. So far none.

 

I just feel like this is such a common, yet overlooked aspect of an affair. His OW required great sums of cash from family and friends, and it seems he was only too willing to give give give.

 

What steps have you all taken to rectify this situation???

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bentnotbroken

Assets were hidden, money was moved, passwords to accounts were changed so I did not have access, OW got gifts and trips...I got a great lawyer:D.

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I am grateful to hear that in some way, you got out of him what was rightfully yours!!

 

I decided to reconcile. What is your advice to those who have, and want the same tokens of "love" spent on them??

 

I don't include bills, household expenses and such. I did have $200 worth of highlights put in my hair about a year later, only to dye them out at home after 3 months:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

He never mentions any spending I do now, could this be his retribution???

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XMM lied to his wife when he was caught about several suspicious transactions. She found several unexplained withdrawals, some quite large. He told her that he gave the money to me........NOT. One of the most disgusting lies he told and I hate to even say it, was he told her that he bought drugs for me and I am NOT a drug user.

He bought me dinner and oh yeah one small present and sometimes paid for a hotel if we stayed there, but I never got one cent handed to me.

I found all this out when her and I started talking and the biggie.......was he was not separated at all, well until about the last 3 months of our relationship.

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XMM lied to his wife when he was caught about several suspicious transactions. She found several unexplained withdrawals, some quite large. He told her that he gave the money to me........NOT. One of the most disgusting lies he told and I hate to even say it, was he told her that he bought drugs for me and I am NOT a drug user.

He bought me dinner and oh yeah one small present and sometimes paid for a hotel if we stayed there, but I never got one cent handed to me.

I found all this out when her and I started talking and the biggie.......was he was not separated at all, well until about the last 3 months of our relationship.

 

 

So, where do you think that money went?? What is your honest opinion??

I would love to know where my H's went-he did have an AFF account, and a porn site account, but the cash withdrawals??

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bentnotbroken
I am grateful to hear that in some way, you got out of him what was rightfully yours!!

 

I decided to reconcile. What is your advice to those who have, and want the same tokens of "love" spent on them??

 

I don't include bills, household expenses and such. I did have $200 worth of highlights put in my hair about a year later, only to dye them out at home after 3 months:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

He never mentions any spending I do now, could this be his retribution???

 

 

I wish I had something helpful that you could use. Have you and he had the discussion about what you need with him?

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My exW appeared to be quite flush with cash after we separated and I got her into her new house, that after perennially crying poverty during the last few years of our M. As I wasn't privy to her business records other than the gross numbers she provided for tax purposes and she processed a lot of cash, I'll assume she had been working on a Plan B for awhile. Women don't take a dump without a plan ;)

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I decided to reconcile. What is your advice to those who have, and want the same tokens of "love" spent on them??

 

I think you should freely spend as much on yourself as you wish. Like to get your nails done? Do it! Want to check out that expensive spa everyone is raving about? Do it! As a matter of fact, ask him for the corporate CC so you can take yourself on a nice shopping spree.

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So, where do you think that money went?? What is your honest opinion??

I would love to know where my H's went-he did have an AFF account, and a porn site account, but the cash withdrawals??

 

 

My theory is.......one of three things or a combo of them all. He stashed it back, so she wouldn't get it or he spent it on his 1st wife/who maybe he had been still carrying on with from the moment he married#2 or he gave it to his daughter. (This man bought his daughter a boob job, after he and #2 got married and she knew nothing about it until after d day.) He never discussed it with his wife, never told her, just gave his 20 something daughter the money to have a boob job. Is that not a bit twisted??

All I know for sure is that he sure as hell didn't give it to me. When the BS and I first started talking, I told her the truth about everything she asked me and I felt as if she knew I was telling her the truth, but one thing she kept asking and asking and it was about money. I feel pretty sure that she ended up believing me that I didn't get any of it when it was over, because she found out about the boob job he bought his daughter.

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I think you should freely spend as much on yourself as you wish. Like to get your nails done? Do it! Want to check out that expensive spa everyone is raving about? Do it! As a matter of fact, ask him for the corporate CC so you can take yourself on a nice shopping spree.

 

 

He is very stingy (now) with that CC..

 

I don't know what prompted me THREE YEARS after all of this to write it out; I feel used and humiliated, while the OW got such great vacations, dinners, gifts...

 

My spending usually goes towards stuff for the house. My clothing has always been from consignment...I love unique stuff

 

It is a double-edged sword, I can spend on things to satisfy me, but:

 

It's ME spending, not him

 

WE pay for it, not him

 

He has never made elaborate plans to whisk me away or to buy me something nice. We got married a YEAR after the DDay; We spent the first night of our honeymoon in a FREE (it was a friend of his) condo; the friend said not to sleep in his bed, to use the twin beds in the guest room. So our honeymoon night consisted of us "doing the deed" in a crappy twin bed in a free room. While his OW got an oceanside resort room paid out of his corporate CC.

 

I am so sick...I want to dump his ass and move on...after three years of him being a great guy, I am finally beginning to see what a "great guy" he really is.

 

I'm venting on here, I don't know if I can corral it, but I really am interested in any responses to my original post......

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He is very stingy (now) with that CC..

 

I don't know what prompted me THREE YEARS after all of this to write it out; I feel used and humiliated, while the OW got such great vacations, dinners, gifts...

 

My spending usually goes towards stuff for the house. My clothing has always been from consignment...I love unique stuff

 

It is a double-edged sword, I can spend on things to satisfy me, but:

 

It's ME spending, not him

 

WE pay for it, not him

 

He has never made elaborate plans to whisk me away or to buy me something nice. We got married a YEAR after the DDay; We spent the first night of our honeymoon in a FREE (it was a friend of his) condo; the friend said not to sleep in his bed, to use the twin beds in the guest room. So our honeymoon night consisted of us "doing the deed" in a crappy twin bed in a free room. While his OW got an oceanside resort room paid out of his corporate CC.

 

I am so sick...I want to dump his ass and move on...after three years of him being a great guy, I am finally beginning to see what a "great guy" he really is.

 

I'm venting on here, I don't know if I can corral it, but I really am interested in any responses to my original post......

 

Sorry for asking, but you were the OW and married your MM?

 

I know I dodged a bullet by finding out the truth of who my xmm was, but stuff like this makes it even more obvious. I'm sorry you are going through this crap.

FYI........my xmm and #2 started much the same way as he and I started. There was an EA going on before he was out of his 1st marriage and he lied to her about being separated. She saw evidence that he wasn't really separated but she stuck her head in the sand, much the same as me. I don't think she even realized that what was going on with him and her when he was still married to #1 as being an affair since it wasn't physical, until her and I started comparing notes. Things were so similar between him and I and her and him in how it started, it was scary. He had the script down pat........almost perfected. :eek::eek:

 

Karma.........bites hard or you can say what goes around, comes around. It sure did in my case.

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Here's some stats..

 

http://consumerist.com/2011/01/survey-says-financial-infidelity-is-a-big-deal-for-many-couples.html

 

Survey: 31% Of Married People Commit Financial Infidelity

 

An online poll commissioned by ForbesWoman and the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) and conducted by Harris Interactive, surveyed 2,019 U.S. adults from December 17 to 21 and found that 31% of those who combined finances had admitted to lying to spouses about money. Another third of those admitted they themselves had been deceived about money.

 

For those couples experiencing financial infidelity, 67% said the deception led to an argument and 42% said it caused less trust in the relationship. A further 16% indicated the problem had led to divorce, and 11% reported a separation.

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No hiding of money etc that I ever found. However, as a part of our reconciliation our finances are 100% seperate. They will stay that way for quite some time.

 

It was a requirement of me giving her a second chance. I am more comfortable this way and even if we EVER re-join our finances there will be controls placed up on it and I will monitor spending habits. That's to say that she will need my permission, I will keep a close eye on it.

 

She does have a choice though, keep the finances seperated and never have to answer queries from me ;)

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He is very stingy (now) with that CC..

 

I don't know what prompted me THREE YEARS after all of this to write it out; I feel used and humiliated, while the OW got such great vacations, dinners, gifts...

 

My spending usually goes towards stuff for the house. My clothing has always been from consignment...I love unique stuff

 

It is a double-edged sword, I can spend on things to satisfy me, but:

 

It's ME spending, not him

 

WE pay for it, not him

 

He has never made elaborate plans to whisk me away or to buy me something nice. We got married a YEAR after the DDay; We spent the first night of our honeymoon in a FREE (it was a friend of his) condo; the friend said not to sleep in his bed, to use the twin beds in the guest room. So our honeymoon night consisted of us "doing the deed" in a crappy twin bed in a free room. While his OW got an oceanside resort room paid out of his corporate CC.

 

I am so sick...I want to dump his ass and move on...after three years of him being a great guy, I am finally beginning to see what a "great guy" he really is.

 

I'm venting on here, I don't know if I can corral it, but I really am interested in any responses to my original post......

 

Datura...yes, in addition to all the other humiliations I experienced after DDAY, I also went sleuthing and found his business account papers and discovered tons of money I knew nothing about.

 

It was used to wine and dine and impress the OW...trips, gifts, dinners...all under the guise of "business."

 

Like you, my money was our money and it went to pay bills.

 

The frequent cash withdrawals were for alcohol, groceries (for her and her son), some lesser dinners and lunches (places not plush enough for clients) and of course, sadly....hotel and motel rooms.

 

This, unfortunately, is not unusual behavior for someone in an affair. Anything to fuel the fantasy and, as in my H's case, the need for her to admire him as a big player. (Low, low self-esteem.)

 

You do have the right to be really, really angry to discover this three years after DDAY. For three years he had an opportunity to tell you and he did not. Of course he is ashamed of his out-of-control behavior.....BUT STILL.

 

Look him dead in they eye and ask him: Am I not WORTH a luxury resort weekend away????????????????

 

Why soooooo generous with her? And soooooo cheap with me????????

 

Get it on the table and demand answers to those questions!

 

You want what she had: Trips, dinners, flowers, cards, phone calls, romance, compliments and sex.

 

Hopefully from him, but if not.......

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PS: Treat yourself!

 

I bought myself fresh flowers every week, until he started to.

 

Joined a gym. Improved my wardrobe, went out to dinner with friends. Hair and nails done now. I began to decide HOW I wanted to contribute my paycheck to the household. Built up a savings account in my name only, until I felt he could be trusted again financially.

 

Our finances are today totally transparent.

 

And he today treats me like a queen.

 

But I was once where you are now. The money.....killed me and my resentment was huge for a very long time!

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DN,

He gave your bonus from work to OW? That's really really awful. No wonder you are upset.

 

In my A, MM paid for hotels, weekend trips to the beach, expensive gifts and such because that was supposed to be his lame substitute for his presence while he was still living with his XW. Some of the money he gave me was actually for work I did for him, and I used it to do renovations on my home. He also started a new account at a new bank before moving out to hide money because he wanted to make sure he had some money for living expenses after he moved out. His XW found out about some of it after Dday, but no where near all. I can say that he never used any of her money, and for him it was chump change. I didn't like the feeling that it was being used to substitute for dealing with the situation and making a choice.

 

Still, when xW found out, she got really upset, threatened to report me to the IRS, and acted like food was being removed from the children's mouths. Money was always really important to her, and she had a tendency to do a lot of hidden spending of her own. Either way, I can understand her being really pissed. If it were me, I'd have been pissed too.

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