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Article About the Dangers of Contacting Old Flames


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 23rd December 2010, 12:54 PM   #16
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UFT~~~

good for you for having the foresight, and wisdom to not water the seeds.
Your wife is a lucky woman.

You, 2, 2Long.

One thing I've observed since I've been on LS~~~there's new stories about infidelity every week, sometimes every day.

Either someone is suspicious, and trying to make sense of erratic behavior from their partner, or D-day has happened, and the rollercoaster is in full swing.Or reconciliation has happened, and suspicions are renewed....

What I haven't seen--- is very many discussions about preventing affairs in the first place...........discussing the dynamics, and really looking at how easily they can start.


Alexandria--you hit an important point:

"just a couple of people playing into a fantasy"

"If I was more needy or more vulnerable I might have totally got carried away with the romantic notion of reconnecting with my long lost love. Instead I was kind of annoyed that this guy expected me to be the same lovestruck dummy for him that I had been years ago. "

Unless we haven't grown or evolved at all in the years/decades since we were with a former love--we are NOT the same person NOW who felt those feelings in the past.I look back at who I was in my twenties, shake my head, and chuckle.........

I think what might be happening in a lot of these rekindled romances, is that the warm fuzzy feelings resurfacing from nostalgia, are mistaken for love.......
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Old 23rd December 2010, 1:04 PM   #17
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Reuniting with people I knew from high school makes me feel old.

It just emphasizes the passage of time since then.
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Old 23rd December 2010, 1:51 PM   #18
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[/B]Unless we haven't grown or evolved at all in the years/decades since we were with a former love--we are NOT the same person NOW who felt those feelings in the past.I look back at who I was in my twenties, shake my head, and chuckle.........

I think what might be happening in a lot of these rekindled romances, is that the warm fuzzy feelings resurfacing from nostalgia, are mistaken for love.......[/QUOTE]


Freestyle. I laugh at my indiscretions and mistakes too. No doubt that a tremendous amount of learning takes place - or should over so many years. I think what stays the same to a much larger degree is character. When raising children, my wife always said the majority of a person's character is formed by the time they're around 12 years old (I think).

I think there is real love and it can last forever. It's her character that started to draw me in, and at the same time mine keeping me in check. I was always like that - monogamous. I date so many women and had so many sexual and emotional relationships, I can't come up with a number - but while in the relationship I was true. There was none other like this old flame - not even my wife. My wife who has so many other different and wonderful qualities. She's what became my anchor.

Last edited by UnifiedFieldTheory; 23rd December 2010 at 1:53 PM.. Reason: clarification
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Old 20th January 2011, 2:58 PM   #19
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Eeyore you are so right, and smart

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eeyore79 View Post
In my experience, when an old flame contacts you the outcome depends on whether you were in love with them. If someone I didn't love contacts me, we just have a nice catch-up chat... but if someone I deeply loved contacts me, all the old feelings resurface again and we start reminiscing about things which would be entirely inappropriate if I was in a relationship. For this reason I stay away from my significant ex who I loved, though I am happy to be friends with other exes for whom I had/have no feelings.
Both my husband and I were contacted by old flames within the same month. The outcome was very different for both of us. He was traveling though her state and she saw that on FB. They made arrangements to meet. They had a nice catch-up chat and went their separate ways.

I had a very different experience. I was contacted under false pretenses. I should have known better, but at the time it really did seem innocent to me. This person had been carrying a torch for me for 25 years, but I had no idea that was the case. What ensued almost ended my marriage, but it didn't, thankfully.

There is a psychologist that has done a lot of research on this subject - Dr. Nancy Kalish. I wish I had knowledge of it beforehand. However, knowing about the phenomenon now helps me to understand exactly how and why it happened. The bottom line is: if you are married and want to stay that way, don't respond to contacts from old flames no matter how innocent it seems.
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