Why are people having affairs so selfish?

[why45]

Hello, I am new and would like to share and get comments from people who have experienced similar trauma to their family as I have. To cut a very long story short my married son recently had a 3 month affair with a co worker who is also married with young children. My daughter in law is very close to me, she is the daughter I never had. They have been together 10 years married for 3. My son proclaims he made a huge mistake and wants his marraige, my daughter in law want's to believe him but she is devastated, they are together for now anyway. I have tried to be equally supportive to both of them, it is very hard. We are a close family. Now there is more devasting news for our family, my daughter in law discovered she was pregnant with their first child shortly after my son announced his affair, they have been trying to start a family so it was a planned pregnancy. My daughter in law is going to have a termination, she says they need to work on their marraige and themselves before they can bring a child into it. My son says they have to do what she wants. I know on the face of it this sounds logical but this is my grandchild I will never see grow up and I have grieved for it. I love my son but his actions in having an affair has cost him dearly, he is going to loose his first child, he may yet loose his wife not to mention the havoc that he is half responsible for to the other womans family. Why oh why do people in affairs think only of themselves? It never seems to occur to them that they are causing so much devastation to their wider families.

[alexandria35]

Hello why. It's true that affairs are very very selfish acts. You have a sad situation on your hands. Terminating the pregnancy sounds like kind of a drastic step, especially since it was a planned pregnancy, but on the other hand I can understand why she is leery of bringing a child into the marriage right now. How far along is she in the pregnancy? If the pregnancy is very new then she can take a week or two to really think things through and perhaps she will have a change of heart.

 

As to why are people having affairs so selfish? Don't know really. I think they have convinced themselves that they are entitled to what they want no matter who gets hurt. When they feel guilty they just work that much harder to rationalize the affair and eventually they start to believe the bull**** they tell themselves. Hopefully your son will take this as an opportunity to grow and mature. I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. People can choose to be better individuals.

[why45]

Hello why. It's true that affairs are very very selfish acts. You have a sad situation on your hands. Terminating the pregnancy sounds like kind of a drastic step, especially since it was a planned pregnancy, but on the other hand I can understand why she is leery of bringing a child into the marriage right now. How far along is she in the pregnancy? If the pregnancy is very new then she can take a week or two to really think things through and perhaps she will have a change of heart.

 

As to why are people having affairs so selfish? Don't know really. I think they have convinced themselves that they are entitled to what they want no matter who gets hurt. When they feel guilty they just work that much harder to rationalize the affair and eventually they start to believe the bull**** they tell themselves. Hopefully your son will take this as an opportunity to grow and mature. I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. People can choose to be better individuals.

 

She won't change her mind about the termination, she is 10 weeks now and I'm pretty sure it is happening this week. She told me the day she found out, we have talked about it and I haved asked her a few times to really think about it but she is adamant it is the best thing in the circumstances. I wish she had never told me she was pregnant.

 

As for my son I could happily kill him for all the misery he has caused but I know he is going thru his own private hell. I do hope he does choose to be a better person.

[wicar1]

Hello, I am new and would like to share and get comments from people who have experienced similar trauma to their family as I have. To cut a very long story short my married son recently had a 3 month affair with a co worker who is also married with young children. My daughter in law is very close to me, she is the daughter I never had. They have been together 10 years married for 3. My son proclaims he made a huge mistake and wants his marraige, my daughter in law want's to believe him but she is devastated, they are together for now anyway. I have tried to be equally supportive to both of them, it is very hard. We are a close family. Now there is more devasting news for our family, my daughter in law discovered she was pregnant with their first child shortly after my son announced his affair, they have been trying to start a family so it was a planned pregnancy. My daughter in law is going to have a termination, she says they need to work on their marraige and themselves before they can bring a child into it. My son says they have to do what she wants. I know on the face of it this sounds logical but this is my grandchild I will never see grow up and I have grieved for it. I love my son but his actions in having an affair has cost him dearly, he is going to loose his first child, he may yet loose his wife not to mention the havoc that he is half responsible for to the other womans family. Why oh why do people in affairs think only of themselves? It never seems to occur to them that they are causing so much devastation to their wider families.

 

Sorry for yor situation.

 

Yes only selfish people have affairs.

 

First of all your son did not do a mistake. He chose to have an affair. It might sound harsh but the moment he chose to have an affair he lost his rights to have a family and to have a child. Your daughter in law is doing the right thing. Why put a child in a messy family.

 

You are one of the victims of your son's affair and it seems the victims list is huge.

-You

-Your daughter in law

-daughter in laws parents

-Your grandchild

-Your son's affair partner's husband

-Her kids

-Her in laws

-Her parents

 

This is all your son's and OW fault. The best thing you could do for your daughter in law ( as you say she is the daughter you never had) is to help her leave your son. She deserves a better person... dont you think so ?

 

I hope OW's husband will leave her too.

 

Anyway hope you will have the strength to face the future events...

 

good luck

 

 

p.s Cheaters do not deserve a family nor kids. They are meant to die alone. Trust me, this is nothing compared to the pain you get when your partner cheats you.

[TerryW]

This post has bothered me since I read it yesterday. If the affair was recent your dil may not realize that her actions to terminate the pregnancy may bring problems for the marriage in themselves. Your son may resent her in the future and she may resent him even more. Some for the affair and some for "making" her abort their baby. Plus if/when they get pregnant again, The triggers will be doubly worse. I realize you came here for help and that you have no control over the situation. It's sad that the truly innocent has to pay with his /her life. I offer you the only thing I can. Prayers!

[woinlove]

Hello, I am new and would like to share and get comments from people who have experienced similar trauma to their family as I have. To cut a very long story short my married son recently had a 3 month affair with a co worker who is also married with young children. My daughter in law is very close to me, she is the daughter I never had. They have been together 10 years married for 3. My son proclaims he made a huge mistake and wants his marraige, my daughter in law want's to believe him but she is devastated, they are together for now anyway. I have tried to be equally supportive to both of them, it is very hard. We are a close family. Now there is more devasting news for our family, my daughter in law discovered she was pregnant with their first child shortly after my son announced his affair, they have been trying to start a family so it was a planned pregnancy. My daughter in law is going to have a termination, she says they need to work on their marraige and themselves before they can bring a child into it. My son says they have to do what she wants. I know on the face of it this sounds logical but this is my grandchild I will never see grow up and I have grieved for it. I love my son but his actions in having an affair has cost him dearly, he is going to loose his first child, he may yet loose his wife not to mention the havoc that he is half responsible for to the other womans family. Why oh why do people in affairs think only of themselves? It never seems to occur to them that they are causing so much devastation to their wider families.

 

Good for you for trying to have compassion for both your son and daughter in law. It is very sad that this has such wide implications for your family, and your son will have to work hard for an extended time to understand himself and try to change if he doesn't want to repeat this behavior. For him to do this work and him and his wife to do the work over several years to build a new marriage (if they do stay married) and to become new parents at the same time sounds almost impossible. However, I am sure ending the pregnancy is a very sad decision for his wife too. Just having to make that decision must make it even more difficult to forgive your son.

 

It is likely too early to tell if their marriage will survive this crisis, but, in any case, I hope your son does come to understand himself better and learn to act more responsibly and honestly in the future, and I hope his wife is able to get over the hurt and betrayal. All you can do is offer them love and support and recognize that true change and healing is likely to take a couple years or more.

 

If your son and daughter in law are not already in counselling (both individual and marriage) I would advise them to start right away. They are dealing with such difficult issues involving both infidelity and terminating a pregnancy. Both of them have had their future plans for a family smashed and they should get professional help in trying to rebuild their lives.

Edited December 9, 2010 by woinlove

[xxoo]

What a painful situation

 

My heartfelt plea to my betrayed dil would be: dump my son and keep the baby. I'd offer any support she would accept in effort to help with the solo pregnancy, birth, etc.

 

Of course, the decision is completely hers, and I'd respect that. But I would put that option clearly on the table. Forget working on the marriage right now. Baby comes first--lousy husband can be cut loose.

[blueroses10]

Hello, I am new and would like to share and get comments from people who have experienced similar trauma to their family as I have. To cut a very long story short my married son recently had a 3 month affair with a co worker who is also married with young children. My daughter in law is very close to me, she is the daughter I never had. They have been together 10 years married for 3. My son proclaims he made a huge mistake and wants his marraige, my daughter in law want's to believe him but she is devastated, they are together for now anyway. I have tried to be equally supportive to both of them, it is very hard. We are a close family. Now there is more devasting news for our family, my daughter in law discovered she was pregnant with their first child shortly after my son announced his affair, they have been trying to start a family so it was a planned pregnancy. My daughter in law is going to have a termination, she says they need to work on their marraige and themselves before they can bring a child into it. My son says they have to do what she wants. I know on the face of it this sounds logical but this is my grandchild I will never see grow up and I have grieved for it. I love my son but his actions in having an affair has cost him dearly, he is going to loose his first child, he may yet loose his wife not to mention the havoc that he is half responsible for to the other womans family. Why oh why do people in affairs think only of themselves? It never seems to occur to them that they are causing so much devastation to their wider families.

 

Maybe your DIL could go for some very intense counseling before the final decision is made. If they were trying and she's now pregnant, it doesn't seem healthy mentally to just abort the baby. She also needs to take into consideration that she might not ever have another chance to have a baby. She can find a new husband if need be, but who knows what the future will bring concerning her fertility.

[kuma]

why45, his affair wasn't a mistake. He chose to have an affair while he and his wife were trying to have a baby. He needs to work on himself first. I can't imagine what your DIL is going through. The whole situation is very sad...

[2sure]

Since it sounds as though your daughter in law has made her decision regarding the pregnancy there isnt much to address there. Her reasons are her reasons and they are valid.

 

As to your son and their future, there is hope.

 

He really screwed up, he betrayed his wife, he was breathtakingly if not even maliciously selfish. Will his wife ever be able to trust him again?

 

I personally do not think once a cheater, always a cheater. I believe that people can change. Cheating is a terrible way to solve a problem whether it is a problem in a marriage or a problem within yourself. Just like people who hurt others via crimes and addictions. The choices they make for themselves regardless of the reasons hurt other people.

 

Through crisis, people change. They have to hit rock bottom. If there is no loss they dont change.

 

This is rock bottom for him. This is his turning point. It has to happen.

[YellowShark]

Wow why45 that's quite a story. I can understand your daughter-in-law's thought process because who wants to bring a child into a marriage where the husband is A) cheating, and B) may not be there when the baby is born.

 

What a horrible decision she has had to make. And this decision to terminate is simply due to the fact that your son couldn't keep his dick in his pants.

 

So sad.

 

In answer to your question cheaters are selfish, my EX certainly was. She was so selfish that I caught her cheating in my own home with a MM who had a pregnant wife... while my son and I were home sleeping!

 

If that is not the very definition of cold and heartless I dunno what is.

 

Anyhow, best of luck, support the daughter-in-law, she has a very difficult time ahead of her.

[michelangelo]

She's being practical. Tragic, but practical.

 

Your DIL does not want a child in these circumstances.

 

Clearly your son is not ready to be a responsible person.

 

Seems to me she may be preparing herself to leave him.

[jennie-jennie]

why45, that is so sad. Speaking from experience, having been the betrayed spouse and also having had an abortion, you get over the affair but you never really get over having had an abortion. It must be so hard for you, just standing by unable to do anything about it.

[why45]

She's being practical. Tragic, but practical.

 

Your DIL does not want a child in these circumstances.

 

Clearly your son is not ready to be a responsible person.

 

Seems to me she may be preparing herself to leave him.

 

Yes, I understand she is being practical, that is her nature anyway. It's too late for any more 'thinking' she told me yesterday she has had the termination and feels relieved. I agree she may be preparing to leave him, it amazes me and my husband she still want's to stay in the marraige and work it out. How much can one person take?

[why45]

Good for you for trying to have compassion for both your son and daughter in law. It is very sad that this has such wide implications for your family, and your son will have to work hard for an extended time to understand himself and try to change if he doesn't want to repeat this behavior. For him to do this work and him and his wife to do the work over several years to build a new marriage (if they do stay married) and to become new parents at the same time sounds almost impossible. However, I am sure ending the pregnancy is a very sad decision for his wife too. Just having to make that decision must make it even more difficult to forgive your son.

 

It is likely too early to tell if their marriage will survive this crisis, but, in any case, I hope your son does come to understand himself better and learn to act more responsibly and honestly in the future, and I hope his wife is able to get over the hurt and betrayal. All you can do is offer them love and support and recognize that true change and healing is likely to take a couple years or more.

 

If your son and daughter in law are not already in counselling (both individual and marriage) I would advise them to start right away. They are dealing with such difficult issues involving both infidelity and terminating a pregnancy. Both of them have had their future plans for a family smashed and they should get professional help in trying to rebuild their lives.

 

Thank you for this post, some of the other posts say she should just get rid of him and part of me thinks the same however this is my son and I have seen and felt his pain also, he totally admits all this is his fault. I am amazed she still want's to work it out with him.

 

Both are in individual and marriage counselling, the pregnancy has been terminated, she told me yesterday. I am really doubtful at this point that they will work thru everything and be happy again together, how much pain can she and the marraige take? I guess time will tell, all me and my husband can do is support them both no matter the outcome. It hurts to think I may loose her because that is the reality when marraiges break down, people need to move on and make a new life.

[woinlove]

Thank you for this post, some of the other posts say she should just get rid of him and part of me thinks the same however this is my son and I have seen and felt his pain also, he totally admits all this is his fault. I am amazed she still want's to work it out with him.

 

Both are in individual and marriage counselling, the pregnancy has been terminated, she told me yesterday. I am really doubtful at this point that they will work thru everything and be happy again together, how much pain can she and the marraige take? I guess time will tell, all me and my husband can do is support them both no matter the outcome. It hurts to think I may loose her because that is the reality when marraiges break down, people need to move on and make a new life.

 

The fact that she wants to work on the marriage now means that her love for your son didn't die immediately even though he betrayed her and hurt her so much. Of course, this crisis may yet kill her love. I think marriages with children are more likely to survive infidelity because both parents realize how much is at stake for their children. Just continue to try to support them both. It is too bad your son destroyed his family to be because of his need to stroke his ego or whatever, but he is still your son, and he could yet live a long life that accomplishes many wonderful things, including building a loving family. But he will have to really change and learn how to make better decisions in the future for that to happen.

[whammy]

no real man would let a dead baby be the result of ANYTHING he does.

 

secondly, i know everyone has their reasons for cheating but it is the the most selfish and weak thing you can do. If my wife wanted something else the best thing she could for me, and us, is to divorce and separate herself from me the RIGHT way. It is the ONLY way to be a good person in that situation, it would show that she actually cares about me and my life. It would hard and yeh I would be sad and hurt...but she would be doing the right thing. and that goes for everyone.