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My wife told me she had an affair - with a friend.


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Old 16th November 2010, 10:11 AM   #1
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My wife told me she had an affair - with a friend.

To put in words at this stage how I feel is difficult. Confused, angry, upset, repulsed.

My wife of 5 years admitted that during a difficult stage in our marriage she had a sexual affair with a close friend.

Our marriage had been going through a difficult period but I was always willing to work on it. Even agreed to counselling. I don't know if the affair happened before or after. I am too sick to even talk to my wife in detail about it yet.

She is really, really sorry and she admitted this to me without me accusing her or catching her. The last 12 months we have turned around our marriage and possibly love each other more than we ever did but then out of nowhere comes this...

I desperately love this woman who has betrayed me. Who has looked in my eyes and deceived me for months. This "friend" who she was involved with was invited into our home, I cooked meals for him, went out together. He only visited in the last couple of weeks!! I shook his hand and welcomed him in to my home. I just feel so naive and stupid. I did have my concerns months ago and I thought they were too close. I thought I was just being jealous and pushed it to the back of my mind.

So here I am. Trying to understand why the woman who apparently "loves me" so deeply could betray me. Not just once but on multiple occasions... I just feel sick at the thought of it.

Yesterday I just drove in the darkness... Trying to figure it out. Trying to escape the horrible emptiness... I have to accept this but its killing me.
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Old 16th November 2010, 10:16 AM   #2
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I am so sorry you find yourself here. I remember those drives into darkness hoping to drive off a bridge in the process...not good. There is one thing that I see that may offer a bit of hope. She came to you. You said you two were working on your marriage. This speaks of her commitment to that IMO. It is going to be a hard road and I don't know if you will make it, but don't make any decisions yet. This isn't something I usually say to posters...but there is something different in your post. God help you with the pain.
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Old 16th November 2010, 10:22 AM   #3
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Sorry for your situation dude. After the shock wears off you will need to find out what happened, and whether you can repair your marriage or not. Obviously you will not be speaking to your "friend" again, that goes without saying. Or rather it would go without saying if I hadn't just said it...

If you want to fix your marriage then you have to insist on a few rules for your wife to follow. It is a positive sign that she confessed to you, it is better than continuing to lie and get caught. You should tell her the following rules:

1) She has to be 100% committed to your marriage, and do everything you ask of her. She must be 100% honest. She will tell you what happened with this guy, when it started, and how many times. (If you want further detail then ask, but you might not want to know more)
2) She will NOT have ANY CONTACT this guy ever again, and nor will you. He is gone from your lives forever. If the affair is ongoing then she will call him right now, in your presence, to tell him it is over.
3) You will go to marriage counselling to explore the reasons why she chose to cheat on you, and to ensure it doesn't happen again.
4) She has no privacy any more. Every communication she makes, phone calls, texts, emails, are open to your eyes. This will continue until you can trust her again, however long that may take.

If she can't accept that then it's divorce time. For me it would be over anyway, cheating is inexcusable. Some people can get over it, but if she's not prepared to put in the necessary work then time to see a lawyer.

I would not recommend driving in the darkness while upset though, you might be putting innocent lives at risk.
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Last edited by PegNosePete; 16th November 2010 at 10:25 AM..
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Old 16th November 2010, 10:30 AM   #4
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I am so sorry for you. What a horrible betrayal. Your wife not only had sex multiple times with a friend (?) putting your health at risk for STD's but she allowed you to bring him to your home and you entertain him. I bet they were getting a good laugh behind your back on that one. I am sorry but there is something very perverse about a wife screwing a guy who the husband cooks dinner for and all going out together. It would seems that she clearly was getting off on this. In addition, it sounds like she had the opportunity to being screwing this guy in your home. How do you think she would be acting in the roles were reversed? She engaged in massive humiliation and totally disrespect having a sexual affair right under your nose while you entertain her lover.

I think you need to be tested for STD's. I think you may wish to have a polygraph on your wife. I doubt that she told you the whole story. I think you should seriously question whether or not you want to remain married to a woman who could engage in such massive humiliation toward your spouse. The fact that she could have done this multiple times with this man and had no problem hiding this from you says a great deal. I would seek an attorney to understand your options. Why in the world would you wish to remain with her? If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would wish to remain with you. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever which her sadistic actions toward you clearly show. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She played you for a total fool.
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Old 16th November 2010, 10:31 AM   #5
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Welcome to LS. My sympathies....

Once she verifiably and proactively excises the AP from your lives, then you and she can go to work on the M.

Accept the fact that it's entirely possible that this affair helped her in her role of 'turning this marriage' around, as she was getting needs met and validation outside the M which translated into a more positive perspective for her on the home front.

How many months of MC have you had? You said 'she agreed to counseling'. Everything takes time. Did she lie to the MC? Good question to ask.

Do you have any children?
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Old 16th November 2010, 10:46 AM   #6
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Oh hun! I am so sorry this is happening. I know there are a lot of people here on LS that can help you out. I had this same dark feeling months ago and they really helped me.

I donít have any sort of deep advice for you other than, talk to your wife. She went to you with the feeling of guilt. She obviously loves you so very much and couldnít stand to see you blinded by what she had done.

I donít know your situation, I donít know you or your wife so I canít and wonít tell you to leave or to stay. You have some very hard weeks/months ahead of you.

My suggestion to you is to think. Take a couple of days off from work and just think. Think about both of you, your future, your past, what you want and where you want to go in life.

I know everything happens for a reason. It hurts, but everything will be ok. We are all here for you to talk to.
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Old 16th November 2010, 10:51 AM   #7
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Thanks for all the replies thus far.

I don't know much details about the affair. When she told me I was just like in an altered state of reality it didn't make sense. I haven't talked to her much and have told her I need time to get my head around it.

The doing it with a friend that I considered close under my roof. Maybe in our bed. That does seem f*cked up. Especially given that I was actually welcoming the dude who was screwing my wife...

I wouldn't put anyones life in danger when driving at night and if I feel I am getting emotional I pull in. Sad as it is I would have considered this guy to be one of my closest friends. My wife being my best friend. I feel royally f*cked.

I can't verbalise to her at the moment how I feel. It's just anger. Sadness.... All I can tell her is I don't want to talk to her. She has been emailing me, texting me. I can't deal with "I love you so much and with so much passion"...

She genuinely is in bits about it and was literally choking/hyperventalating last night, I got close to phoning an ambulance at one stage. I think she realises exactly what is at stake and how badly she f*cked up. But now the damage is done. I don't know at this stage if we will survive. In our relationship I have always been the positive one, the "we can overcome anything and come out stronger the other side...", I never ever despite difficulties in the past considered a divorce...

We did goto marriage counselling for a couple of months and it did help. (or maybe not depending on when she f*cked my "friend")...

I couldn't sleep last night I was tormented. I hit the head board so many times with my fist that it aches (obviously didn't sleep with her...).

Should I call my friend and tear him a new one??? Does that help??? I just can't believe he would do this to me and then have the audacity to come into my house...........

Jeez
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Old 16th November 2010, 11:02 AM   #8
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I am sorry my friend but that is the major deal breaker. She screwed this guy in your home and in your bed multiple times. Your wife is in damage control. It is a major symbolic act to screw your best friend in your home and in your bed. She totally defecated on your marriage and on you. I would talk to this guy to compare notes. Really how much humiliation are you willing to accept? I doubt your wife would accept this if the roles were reversed.
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Old 16th November 2010, 11:06 AM   #9
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Divorce this woman.
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Old 16th November 2010, 11:48 AM   #10
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Went thru the exact same thing. Affairs are bad enough but when it occurs with a close friend it destoys alot more than had it happened with a stranger. My wife's affair permanently damaged our friendship circle. People took sides...I effectively lost several friends (the wives in the group sided with the other wife...funny how women tend to have more sympathy for the betrayed woman. My feelings were never given consideration). Bottom line, she continued the behavior with OTHER friends until I finally had enough and kicked her ass to the curb. Best decision I ever made. I agree with a previous poster...your only chance at fixing this is to rid him from your life for good. Act as if he's dead. But (and this is a BIG but) her willingness to sleep with someone so close to you is a huge red flag. It screams that her relationship with you has little or no value. You have a long hard road ahead of you. I spent YEARS thinking about her tryst. I didn't spend a single day not thinking about it. It became a cancer that ate away at me every f***ing day! I became utterly misearable. Only my divorce finally exorcised my demons. I'm so much happier now. Remarried to a wonderful woman that I don't have to fret over. IMHO...move on now and save yourself the upcoming misery!
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Old 16th November 2010, 12:09 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artificial View Post
The doing it with a friend that I considered close under my roof. Maybe in our bed. That does seem f*cked up. Especially given that I was actually welcoming the dude who was screwing my wife...
I have soooooo been there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by artificial View Post
Sad as it is I would have considered this guy to be one of my closest friends. My wife being my best friend. I feel royally f*cked.
Same here. I helped MM who was cheating with my EX with his business often, we socialized weekly, went camping together, dinners on the town, my son even cut his lawn. We were next-door neighbors! And then I catch him and my EX on my own deck in my own home necking after a dinner party at his house that very night. Her phone was full of sexts between him and her. And to top it all off his wife was pregnant with their first child and my EX was slated to host the baby shower! How sick is that?

I was devastated beyond belief. Two people that I cared for, helped and trusted died that night - figuratively. There is no feeling worse than having two people you cared for and trusted throwing you under a bus.

Six months later and I still have nightmares about it. Had one last night even. Literally. So f-ed up that two people who you were vulnerable to would cut your heart out and stomp on it.

All I can say is best of luck, I don't have any answers other than time to take a stand and decide what is best for you, not what is best for your wife or friend.

Good luck.

ETA

Quote:
Originally Posted by misternoname View Post
My wife's affair permanently damaged our friendship circle. People took sides...I effectively lost several friends (the wives in the group sided with the other wife...funny how women tend to have more sympathy for the betrayed woman. My feelings were never given consideration).
Same here. The close social circle has sided with the MM, my EX, and the BS who have gaslit everyone into believing I made it all up. The betrayed pregnant spouse has sided with "her man" who has gaslit her. The social circle has left me for dead on the side of the road. Here I am the faithful party in all this and that's how it works out? It's so frustrating and ****ty. Guess I know who my friends really are now..

Last edited by YellowShark; 16th November 2010 at 12:20 PM..
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Old 16th November 2010, 12:24 PM   #12
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I desperately love this woman who has betrayed me. Who has looked in my eyes and deceived me for months. This "friend" who she was involved with was invited into our home, I cooked meals for him, went out together. He only visited in the last couple of weeks!! I shook his hand and welcomed him in to my home. I just feel so naive and stupid. I did have my concerns months ago and I thought they were too close. I thought I was just being jealous and pushed it to the back of my mind.
I hate to tell you this, but chances are, the A is still on going..Atleast an emotional one is. She has this so-called friend in her life STILL! It IS possible he threatened to tell you the truth if she didn't. Ask yourself WHY she waited to tell you during an "altered state"... Makes you wonder, don't it??

Double betrayal and yes, they made a fool of you. I am sorry for your pain.. You did nothing wrong!
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Old 16th November 2010, 12:29 PM   #13
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Damn right you should call your friend and rip him a new one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He betrayed you as well! Supposed to have your back, be YOUR friend, yet instead he had an affair with your wife!

It doesn't matter who started it, point is, THEY let it happen...Over and over again. You have every right to tell him off.

One thing, as much as her tears are flowing and it may hurt you to see her suffering, seeing her at her lowest, remember SHE brought this on herself. Consquences are a beyotch but she has to OWN it all and start answering all that you need to know, details, etc and not hold back. She owes you that.
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Old 16th November 2010, 1:57 PM   #14
 
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At least tell us that the so-called "friend" is out of your lives. Or at the very least, that your wife is not in contact with him. If she still is, she damned well shouldn't be. Period.
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Old 16th November 2010, 3:25 PM   #15
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Your wife is in damage control. It is a major symbolic act to screw your best friend in your home and in your bed. She totally defecated on your marriage and on you. I would talk to this guy to compare notes.
Unfortunately, Bryanp may be very correct. Woman pay a lot of attention to little details that are usually meaningless to us men. For her to have sex with someone in the same bed where you sleep is a sign that she considers your status of no great significance (In fact, one of the worst things that may happen to a betrayed wife is to know that the husband had sex with OW on marital bed).

And before you go into a smash rampage and decide to re-arrange your friend's face, you should have a man-to-man talk with him. Perhaps you'll find a story much different that the one your wife told you.
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