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Cheated on husband for first time...now what?


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Old 13th November 2010, 3:56 PM   #1
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Cheated on husband for first time...now what?

I just discovered this website a few days ago and thought I would share my story for some advice. I know I will be judged but I'm hoping to also get some good advice.

Here's my story. I've been with my husband for 11 years and married to him for 8. For most of our marriage my husband has been in school pursuing his bachelor's degree (I was the breadwinner while he went to school full-time) and now pursuing his master's degree. We had about a one year break in between the two. I obviously am proud that he wants to pursue his education but this has severely effected our marriage. My husband basically devotes his time to school work and work and has little to no time for me. He was hell bent on getting a 4.0 (which he did) for his bachelor's degree but this meant he had no time for anything but school. I endured this for about 3 years knowing that it would be over eventually but then he decided to start on his master's degree quickly...which I did not agree with. He has 4 more classes left which gives me little comfort. Needless to say we have probably had sex 10 times in the last 8 years...and I have initiated every time and he can't cum anymore. I am so embarrased. He says I put too much pressure on him. I am an attractive woman and so is he and he makes me feel very undesirable. I have no doubt in my mind that he has been faithful to me.

Well during this whole time I never once had the urge to cheat. I judged people who did and thought they were horrible people. I didn't let myself even give any man any sort of hint that I would even entertain the notion of cheating. Well for some reason when I turned 35 I think I freaked. I started flirting with men but nothing too crazy. Well in April of this year I found out a co-worker was basically infatuated with me. I don't want to sound like I'm stuck-up or bragging but he even admitted to it freely. I barely noticed this man before or even gave him the time of day and I was definitely not attracted to him. Well we started IMing at work. At first it was only a little and I didn't talk to him much. Then for some reason a few months later i started chatting more...I liked the attention. He slyly gave me his cell number to make it look like no big deal and we exchanged personal emails. Still pretty tame. I texted him once and that was it. He would email me when I was away on business pretty much every day and tried to keep in contact. I ignored most of it. Then I don't know what happened. We started getting a little dirtier with our IMing at work and then he went away on a business trip and things changed. We had phone sex. Well a few weeks later we agreed to meet at a hotel and have sex. I have never done anything like this before. I don't know what I was thinking. Well we met and it was awkward at first. We had never even kissed before. We eventually did have sex several times and I felt like total crap afterwards on the drive home. It was good to finally have sex again but I felt so guilty and decided to not do it again. Well this was not what happened. We've been meeting at least once a week since August and now I've developed feelings for him and he the same. I am scared I am experiencing the so-called fog that u experience while cheating but I truly have strong feelings for him and he tells me the same. He is not married but in a relationship with 2 kids. He also has one child from a previous marriage. This is supposedly what is holding him back from leaving her. I know that a lot of you will say if he truly loves me he will leave her no matter if he has kids or not. I know what I'm doing is wrong to my husband and at first I didn't feel guilt because I felt i deserved this after all the years of neglect but now I am feeling the guilt. I almost left him a few months ago (right after I started the affair) but he begged me to stay. We have been going to marriage counseling but it is not helping me at all. My husband thinks it is.

I have tried numerous times to try to end things with this man but I have given in to him each time. From previous posts I know that NC would be best but I truly want to be with him. I have never had a man tell me the things he does. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm being duped because of some of the things he writes me. What kills me the most is he is someone I never thought I would even consider. Where do I go from here? I don't want to be in the same situation a year from now wondering if he will leave his woman. Is it too soon for me to even expect him to leave her?
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Old 13th November 2010, 4:45 PM   #2
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Sounds like you intended for him to be a boy toy and that was it. I would just break it off with this other guy. Sounds like he has a lot of baggage on top of the fact that he was willing to sleep with a married woman. I have seen too many times, people leave there spouse for the cheatee and it doesn't work. It doesn't work because it takes a certain type of person to sleep with someone who is married. As for your husband, I would let him know that he needs to crap or get off the pot. Let him know that the marriage will not survive if he does not start getting his priorities straight.
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Old 13th November 2010, 4:49 PM   #3
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- Well during this whole time I never once had the urge to cheat. I judged people who did and thought they were horrible people.
eventualy you've become one, unfortunate

-We had phone sex. Well a few weeks later we agreed to meet at a hotel and have sex. I have never done anything like this before. I don't know what I was thinking.
You knew exactly what you were thinking and doing. You also know you planned this thing.

-He is not married but in a relationship with 2 kids.
So he is a cheater as well

-I know what I'm doing is wrong to my husband and at first I didn't feel guilt because I felt i deserved this after all the years of neglect but now I am feeling the guilt.
if you thought he's neglecting you, then you should have had strong conversations with him regarding this. I do not know how it gives you the right to cheat against your spouse??? Have you ever told him that you will be having sex outside your marriage if he keeps on neglecting you. You made a selfish choice. May be your H had physical or mental issues, have you tried to help him find medical care? I guess not ..

-I almost left him a few months ago (right after I started the affair) but he begged me to stay.
Did you tell him, you ve been cheating on him?? Well I must say you made a good decision there trying to leave him, it would have set your H free. I dont think he deserves a cheating spouse, even if he's not been sexually active. It is no reason to get betrayed. He made a bad decision by not letting you go.

-Where do I go from here? I don't want to be in the same situation a year from now wondering if he will leave his woman. Is it too soon for me to even expect him to leave her?
So obviously you and the OM are cheaters. I think you both need to talk to your partners and just leave them. Him leaving his partner depends on if he really wants a relationship with you. I am sure he wont leave her if he only wanted to sleep around with you. Yes men who try to take advantage of troubled married women tell all sorts of things and worse... women believe those..

Anyway your H or OM gf/W dont deserve cheating spouses. I hope you and the OM leave them.

btw.. since you and the OM have a history of cheating. Suppose if you two get married I wonder if you both could trust each other
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Old 13th November 2010, 5:04 PM   #4
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Wicar does have some good points there. My grandmother spent her whole life cheating on her husbands when there would be a problem. She would then leave the marriage for the cheatee. Needless to say she was married 5 times and she died of cancer in the hospital while her last husband was already shacked up with a new woman. Like I said, it takes a certain type of person to sleep with someone who is married.
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Old 13th November 2010, 5:13 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dramaofmylife View Post
Wicar does have some good points there. My grandmother spent her whole life cheating on her husbands when there would be a problem. She would then leave the marriage for the cheatee. Needless to say she was married 5 times and she died of cancer in the hospital while her last husband was already shacked up with a new woman. Like I said, it takes a certain type of person to sleep with someone who is married.
It does but the actual married is always the worst one. They are the ones who choose to betray a person that trusted them.

As for the OP I would just leave your husband and set him free. In this world the more education the better and you can't blame him for trying to better himself.
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Old 13th November 2010, 5:26 PM   #6
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Look you decided to cheat on your husband when you sought out this guy simply because he likes you. You should have had a serious conversation with your husband about YOU feeling neglected before cheating.

Your H is proving that he is a good husband by trying to work on your marriage, but unfortunately he doesn't know what the real problem is. The problem is your cheating. It has clouded your mind and made you think that you like a guy that before you didn't even think about


You need to be honest with him and you need to be honest now. Don't drag this out. Just come out and tell him everything INCLUDING THE CHEATING

I don't know if you can save your marriage but your H has the right to know. If you cant be honest than leave him.
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Old 13th November 2010, 5:27 PM   #7
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In addition, cheating will not solve the problems with your husband. Only more problems will be created. The only way to deal with the issues at hand is by addressing them directly with your husband. And I do think that this other guy = more problems and is only deterring you from working with your husband.
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Old 13th November 2010, 5:48 PM   #8
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Ok I guess I deserve some of the comments that have been made. I did forget to include that I have been telling my husband for a long time how I felt neglected.. Not just because of lack of sex. He did not take me seriously until I told him I wanted a divorce. He refused counseling until now. So yes it may seem like I'm a heartless person to some of you but I never ever thought I would break my wedding vows. I never cheated on anyone in the past. I don't know how I got here.
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Old 13th November 2010, 6:00 PM   #9
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You are cheating with a man who:
1. Has no problem having sex with a married woman.
2. Has no problem cheating on his live in girl friend.
3. Has no problem cheating on his live in girl friend and the two children he has had with her.
4. If he will cheat with you then he will cheat on it.
5. He sounds like quite a player and probably has put your health at risk for STD's.
6. He has no intention of leaving his live in girlfriend and enjoys having you on the side.
Does this sound like you caught quite a prize. Don't you feel very special?

Marriage counseling is worthless if you are having an affair at the same time. You need to come clean with your husband and then both of you decide how you wish to continue or not continue your marriage. Honesty v. deceit. The ironic thing is that there is probably a strong possibility that your husband will become quite successful in the future.
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Old 13th November 2010, 6:08 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by MT24 View Post
Ok I guess I deserve some of the comments that have been made. I did forget to include that I have been telling my husband for a long time how I felt neglected.. Not just because of lack of sex. He did not take me seriously until I told him I wanted a divorce. He refused counseling until now. So yes it may seem like I'm a heartless person to some of you but I never ever thought I would break my wedding vows. I never cheated on anyone in the past. I don't know how I got here.

did you tell him you have been cheating on him for half a year....what were you doing while planning for cheating..were you thinking about how to solve your M issues....anyways if you are not interested in M then why put up a show at MC and why waste his time/money...
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Old 13th November 2010, 6:15 PM   #11
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Drugs, cheating, child & foreign country

My situation would be a lot easier if I could just leave!
My boyfriend has been on drugs and cheated on me but that was two years ago. Since then he has improved his career, we had a baby (a girl) and he cheated on me AGAIN, WITH A FRIEND WHO WE BOTH WORK WITH!!!!
I am originally from another country and seriously considering leaving and taking my daughter with me forever! (more than 10,000 miles away!).
I hate him and I hate the life that he has created for our daughter!
How do I leave and reconcile the legal, moral and emotional issues I am facing?
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Old 13th November 2010, 6:19 PM   #12
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Autumn - You need to start a new post of your very own.
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Old 13th November 2010, 7:11 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by MT24 View Post
Is it too soon for me to even expect him to leave her?
MT24, this question is the least of your worries.

I can relate to your situation, even down to the "sex 10 times in the last 8 years" (and we were probably way less than that).

You are most definitely in an affair fog. The first thing you need to do is break it off with the OM...like Bryanp pointed out, he's obviously no catch with his own choices and drama, no matter how much you guys "care" about each other. He is only telling you what you want to hear.

You CANNOT make a clear choice about your marriage while you are involved with the OM. He needs to be completely out of the picture, he is just clouding your thoughts about your H and your marriage and even your self.

That's great that you're in MC, but I wonder if it's not working for you because you haven't laid all the cards on the table (the affair). My MM ditched me, and my H didn't know I'd been with him. I wasn't going to tell him, but he found out a few months later (these things always surface). The news was devastating to him but I think it may have been slightly, smidgenly, marginally better ("better" probably not even being the right word) if I'd come clean on my own. It's your choice whether to tell all, but I would advise if you do, hold nothing back. Trickle-truthing (holding back parts of the story at a time) just undermines any progress made between a WS and the BS in the future. I've BTDT too, didn't share it all at first, and that was a huge mistake. I thought I'd hurt him by telling him, but the hurt was much more through the fact I didn't tell him. On top of all the hurt he had already.

Finally, one thing about your story that bothers me (and this is my own opinion of it only) is that there doesn't seem to be any ownership that you chose to be in an affair, something that's done by "horrible people."

Quote:
Originally Posted by MT24 View Post
Then I don't know what happened.
I have never done anything like this before.
There is a reason you made this choice, to cheat, and it's not because your H was working too much (like mine) or not engaging in enough sexy time (like mine). Saying things like that is passing the buck. YOU made the choice, and YOU need to figure out why. Individual counseling can help with this, and some deep introspection, facing the fact that you did something that you used to judge others about. It won't be easy but it has to be done or you (and possibly your H, or whoever you end up with) will walk down this painful, horrible path again.

I hope I haven't come across too harsh...just reading your story made me cringe because I saw parts of myself in it. Hope this helps slightly.
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Old 13th November 2010, 9:31 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by MT24 View Post
He is not married but in a relationship with 2 kids. He also has one child from a previous marriage. This is supposedly what is holding him back from leaving her. I know that a lot of you will say if he truly loves me he will leave her no matter if he has kids or not. I know what I'm doing is wrong to my husband and at first I didn't feel guilt because I felt i deserved this after all the years of neglect but now I am feeling the guilt. I almost left him a few months ago (right after I started the affair) but he begged me to stay. We have been going to marriage counseling but it is not helping me at all. My husband thinks it is.

I have tried numerous times to try to end things with this man but I have given in to him each time. From previous posts I know that NC would be best but I truly want to be with him. I have never had a man tell me the things he does. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm being duped because of some of the things he writes me. What kills me the most is he is someone I never thought I would even consider. Where do I go from here? I don't want to be in the same situation a year from now wondering if he will leave his woman. Is it too soon for me to even expect him to leave her?
So what is stopping YOU from leaving??? If you are so in love with this other dude, leave your marriage. Tell your H you have been cheating, because you deserve to because of all the years of neglect AND you know he has had an affair (and I am guessing you do have the proof right? I mean, if you are going to make that accusation, you would have proof). And I am guessing you are justifying the affair because "he cheated first"?

I am just really confused as to why HE needs to leave.....I don't see you leaving or being honest with your H about the state of your feelings and your marriage.

What do you mean you don't know how you got to where you are? Even I can see how you go there - you made the DECISION to cheat. You made a conscious decision to be unfaithful.

And sorry, but the "my H neglected me" excuse is just that - an excuse. Tell your H of the affair. Let him know you have been screwing someone else for months and you are in love. be HONEST. Neglected or not, he didn't deserve to be cheated on by you. He didn't deserve for you to lie to him and betray him.

OWN what you have done. Stop pretending (by going to marriage counseling - I mean really? Marriage counseling and you are continuing the affair??)

You chose to cheat. Tell your H so he can get tested for any STD's and so he can make a decision about HIS life.

Good luck to you and the OM.
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Old 13th November 2010, 11:39 PM   #15
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Why would expect this guy to leave his partner, mother of his child, when you aren't even leaving your husband? First off, divorce your husband REGUARDLESS of what the other man does or doesn't do. It isn't fair to your H.

Why not tell your husband the truth! Tell him that you have been feeling neglected and lonely so you reached out to another man, had sex, thought it was just going to be about sexual needs being met, but you let yourself fall for this guy and now you want to be that other guy IF he leaves his partner. See what your husband says and thinks about this.

Maybe he'll like the idea of having an open marriage, so both of you can have someone on the side. Or maybe he'll want a divorce.

Whatever feelings you have for your husband ARE STILL THERE!! You've let things get in the way, buried feelings and now resentments have built up and that is what made you decide and choose to go outside of marriage. Instead of continually working on yourself, finding things to make yourself happy (not cheating but finding hobbies, etc) keeping busy and working WITH your husband to make the marriage work. I get that he hasn't been sexual and that IS an issue, but it's not an excuse to go looking outside of the marriage. You two could have bought sex toys, still fooled around and all.

Anyway, sooner or later YOU need to make a choice. Fix your marriage or divorce. To continue to be selfish and cheat isn't fair at all. To your husband, or to your family unit.
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