Originally Posted by MT24
Is it too soon for me to even expect him to leave her?
MT24, this question is the least of your worries.
I can relate to your situation, even down to the "sex 10 times in the last 8 years" (and we were probably way less than that).
You are most definitely in an affair fog. The first thing you need to do is break it off with the OM...like Bryanp pointed out, he's obviously no catch with his own choices and drama, no matter how much you guys "care" about each other. He is only telling you what you want to hear.
You CANNOT make a clear choice about your marriage while you are involved with the OM. He needs to be completely out of the picture, he is just clouding your thoughts about your H and your marriage and even your self.
That's great that you're in MC, but I wonder if it's not working for you because you haven't laid all the cards on the table (the affair). My MM ditched me, and my H didn't know I'd been with him. I wasn't going to tell him, but he found out a few months later (these things always surface). The news was devastating to him but I think it may have been slightly, smidgenly, marginally better ("better" probably not even being the right word) if I'd come clean on my own. It's your choice whether to tell all, but I would advise if you do, hold nothing back. Trickle-truthing (holding back parts of the story at a time) just undermines any progress made between a WS and the BS in the future. I've BTDT too, didn't share it all at first, and that was a huge mistake. I thought I'd hurt him by telling him, but the hurt was much more through the fact I didn't tell him. On top of all the hurt he had already.
Finally, one thing about your story that bothers me (and this is my own opinion of it only) is that there doesn't seem to be any ownership that you chose to be in an affair, something that's done by "horrible people."
Originally Posted by MT24
Then I don't know what happened.
I have never done anything like this before.
There is a reason you made this choice, to cheat, and it's not because your H was working too much (like mine) or not engaging in enough sexy time (like mine). Saying things like that is passing the buck.
YOU made the choice, and YOU need to figure out why. Individual counseling can help with this, and some deep introspection, facing the fact that you did something that you used to judge others about. It won't be easy but it has to be done or you (and possibly your H, or whoever you end up with) will walk down this painful, horrible path again.
I hope I haven't come across too harsh...just reading your story made me cringe because I saw parts of myself in it. Hope this helps slightly.