So Lost

[so_over_it]

I can't believe I'm posting on a forum about this, but I have nobody else to talk to and I need to get this out.

 

I've been with my husband for 19 years(married for 13), have 2 kids. We rarely fight unless it's about the sneaky things he does. It started about 10 years ago when I found he was looking at porn pictures online, ok, no biggie, at the time I was more upset about the fact he was being sneaky about when we had always watched and looked at stuff together, and more upset because when all of a sudden these pictures he had saved on our computer came up I had my then 2 year old sitting on my lap asking about all the "tummies".

 

The next big time was a couple of years later when I found out he "almost" had an affair, was as close as sitting with someone when he backed out. Not long after that I found he had an email account he set up and he was meeting women on websites and chatting with them, planning to meet them. He was advertising on websites looking for women as an "unhappily married man", while I thought everything was fine, we weren't having as much sex because I was still having pain from my last childbirth and was suffering from PPD, but other than that everything was normal in our lives. When I confronted him with what I found he cried and swore the kids and I were his whole life and he'd do anything for us and he would never really meet someone else etc etc.

 

After that last time I requested that he no longer look at any sort of porn(something I only demanded because of the things he had done and I feel I was completely justified in doing so) or do any sort of chatting whatsoever with any women online. The next several years consisted of me finding magazines he bought and hid(made the claim numerous times that he didn't think I meant no more magazines, or claiming that he bought them for "us" even though he bought them and hid them), and plenty of still looking at stuff online. Each time he'd insist he was sorry and say there must be something wrong with him and blah blah blah.

 

This weekend while using the laptop he used before passing it down to the kids I found his login for a dating site where he was looking for nsa encounters. He claimed he had not been on it in a very long time, even though I know based on when the last clearing of everything on the computer was done it could not have been all that long ago. I asked him for his login and he said he couldn't remember it, I asked him for the email address he used to sign up for it and he lied again saying just his regular one because he didn't have another one, I know he lied because I have access to his regular email because I spend more time on the computer than him and he has me check it for him all the time, if he had used that address there would have been emails from this website.

 

Yesterday morning I went onto the website and very easily found what his password was and found the registered email address, also found out he's been registered on this site since 2006. I also very easily was able to figure out his password to this email address and there I found sent messages going back to 2005, messages galore from him responding to Craigslist ads, messages between him and a woman he met when I sent him for groceries, and messages between him and some of his female coworkers from a job he just left....the most recent of the messages was from last week. All of them were him looking for sex, telling women what he wanted to do to them, asking to meet them. Messages between him and his coworkers were him telling them they were sexy and beautiful and he was attracted to them and he wanted to hook up with them.

 

When I confronted him with the emails that he had just said the night before didn't exist he proceeded to cry and say he's sorry and he's sick and he doesn't really want anyone else, he never wants to be with anyone but me, he loves me more than anything. Now he says that he thinks it has just taken this long to hit him what he could lose etc etc etc. I told him if I had a place to go and they money to go the kids and I would be gone. I let him watch me try to get my wedding rings off, unfortunately I can't get them off.

 

He spent the day swearing to me that he's a new man as of now and nothing like that will ever happen again, and swears he didn't actually do anything with anyone, even though one email with a coworker they talk about him feeling her up and she not yet reciprocating, he claims that's not even what that meant. He was away for a period of time for job training and he was responding to Craigslist ads and giving them his hotel room number and he claims nobody came and nothing happened. He says he is going to do whatever it takes to earn back my trust and give me the life I deserve.

 

I am not an ugly woman, I'm not a stupid woman(though clearly stupid enough for this to go on), I'm not a bi***, I take care of my kids, I take care of my house, he never has to worry about finding a clean shirt to wear, I always have his laundry nicely washed and put away, I'm a good cook and make him what he wants. My weight has gone badly over the years since childbirth, but so has his and he claims he likes me this way and sabotages when I do try to lose weight because he wants me to stay curvy. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't have many friends so all my time is spent catering to my family, I'm a cheapskate so I'm not out blowing the money he earns by shopping all the time. I take care of myself and I take care of my family, I'm the type of wife he wanted, he still says I'm exactly what he wants.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, I cannot speak the words "I love you" to him, I honestly don't think I do anymore, but he's the only man I've ever loved, so how do I know, he says he understands. I don't want to sleep next to him, I don't want to go anywhere with him, I don't want to get dressed in the same room as him. I don't know what to do because I don't think I can ever get over this, how does someone just forget about all this stuff? I knew there was stuff off and on, but now I realize that he was basically spent our entire marriage having sex chats with and trying to meet other women for sex. I don't know that I can believe him that nothing ever actually happened with anyone, I don't think I can believe him that he's all of a sudden after doing this stuff for a dozen years behind my back that he's actually never going to do it again.

 

Other than this we have had a great marriage, the rest of our life has had the kind of relationship most people wish they could find. I have no money to go elsewhere, I'm too embarrassed to tell any family what is going on and go to them. I've been with him since I was 16 years old, but how do you be with someone so long and find out they're someone different than you thought they were all those years. He says he thinks he's got a mental issue and he needs help, I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years but use every ounce of strength I have to keep it's affect on my family minimal, any time I have tried to say I think I need help with my depression he thinks it's ridiculous and doesn't think it's a problem, but he wants me to believe that him being a creep like this is something he needs help for?

 

Sorry this is so long, like I said, I have nobody to talk to and really needed to get it off my chest even if it doesn't result in anything, getting it out helps.

[BB07]

I'm so sorry for all your pain So over it. Your husband clearly has huge issues and he is sick. I'm sorry but I wouldn't believe for one minute that he has never actually had a physical affair, a man does not spend all that time and effort and all those years chasing women just to get a online fix.

You really need to talk to your family and friends and get support and love from them. There is no shame in doing that, YOU are NOT the one who has done wrong, he is.

[Spark1111]

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

Your husband sounds like he has a real problem, maybe even a sexual addiction.

 

He needs intensive help, therapy, with someone who specializes in this. You need help and support too...whether you remain married to him or not!

 

Please, please, please do not beat yourself up about his problem because it has nothing to do with you: the way you look, parent, cook, clean or keep house....NOTHING! A man making passes at co-workers, a man who would jeopardize his livelihood and being able to provide for his family, for a sexual thrill with a stranger....is on a path to self-destruction.

 

You have EVERY right to sit back and examine your feelings towards him and to reassess your marriage and what you want in a relationship.

 

I hope you seek professional help for yourself!

[so_over_it]

I'm going to add to this, not trying to defend him or anything, just more trying to figure things out for myself and having somewhere to do it I think will help me. While any input is appreciated, don't feel the need to answer my specific questions, just stuff going on in my head that I need to get out.

 

I have read through all the emails in his account and not a single one confirms a meeting with any of the women in which he responded to ads(more than 3/4 of them never get a reply, and all but a few of the rest don't go beyond 3 or 4 messages back and forth). So if he did actually do anything with anyone my guess is it would be one of the coworkers, I emailed them feeling the need to tell them I take no blame off of him, but how could they encourage the emails and flirting when they know he has a wife and kids at home, and asking if anything happened. I have heard back from one with apologies and she said that's why she didn't respond after the last email he sent because she knew it was wrong but says absolutely nothing ever happened. So far the other 2 have not responded, though I also emailed a woman from Craigslist that he had been emailing for quite some time(though not recent) and she assures me they never met and she had no idea that he was married or she never would have continued emailing him....I assured her I didn't blame her, she had no way of knowing, I just wanted to know if they met or not because she is the only one that there was a lot of communication back and forth between.

 

So if all it is (with the exception of these few coworkers) is emails and even he never responds further to actually meet then why?? He likes the thought that he could but then his guilt sets in and he doesn't? I just don't understand, I know I'm no beauty Queen like maybe I was when we met, but I also know that I would have no problem finding men interested in me, I don't need a bunch of anonymous people on a trashy site to tell me that.

 

I did well yesterday and hardly cried(other times I can hardly talk for crying) and told him I hope he noticed that I wasn't and what he had done, that me, and extremely emotional person couldn't even cry over it anymore, that's what how far he's gone this time has affected me. Though today I haven't been so strong and keep having to fight tears, I couldn't fall asleep last night and just finally had an appetite and ate something for the first time in 2 days, so I'm sure that hasn't helped my emotional state.

 

He called the kids from playing yesterday and told them that he's hurt me really bad and he doesn't like the person he is(he's a yeller and the kids are at a very frustrating age which only makes it worse) and he is going to start being a better person and change from here on and that he has a lot to do to prove himself to all of us. So then I wonder, does he actually bring the kids into this(without telling them the details) as something to make him accountable and not have a choice but to change, or is it all an act?

 

I'm still so confused because we have been together for almost 19 years, when he is not working he is with us, we do everything together, neither of us go out with other friends, if we want to go somewhere we go together. Our relationship has always been like that, not just husband and wife, but best friends, always together because that's the way we want it. I know everything about him and he about me, we have a great sex life, we've lived the crazy hectic life before and recently have opted for the quiet relaxed life and have loved our decision to do so. How does someone that I know so well and that has so very little time when I'm not by his side end up being someone with a complete side of him that I could never imagine being him.

 

I'm the type that always says too many people get divorced, it's just an easy way out(no intent to insult anyone there for their choice, some cases are extreme and there is no other choice, it's just the way I've always felt in general), but how much can a person take? If I found out he actually has been with any of these women is that an automatic that's it, I'm done? But if he hasn't these are all still extremely horrible things he's done and finding out he's done them almost our entire marriage leaves me broken....is it enough to say that's it, once a liar always a liar, I'm done?

 

The emotions going through me right now are killing me, unfortunately seeing someone to talk to right now isn't an option(money and transportation) which is why when I saw this forum I thought maybe talking things out on here would help.

[2sunny]

demand that HE move out now! he has shown so much EVIDENCE that nothing will ever change.

 

this will be the life you continue to live because he never has any consequences. saying sorry and crying doesn't cut it. he hasn't changed a thing.

 

when nothing changes = nothing changes.

 

since he's never going to change a thing- what are you planning to change?

 

yes, you DO have choices... i'd recommend you consider what's in YOUR best interest first - because he is only capable of thinking of himself. that is not enough to sustain a marriage.

 

he lies, he cheats, he steals your peace of mind = that isn't a marriage.

[2sunny]

I'm still so confused because we have been together for almost 19 years, when he is not working he is with us, we do everything together, neither of us go out with other friends, if we want to go somewhere we go together. Our relationship has always been like that, not just husband and wife, but best friends, always together because that's the way we want it. I know everything about him and he about me, we have a great sex life, we've lived the crazy hectic life before and recently have opted for the quiet relaxed life and have loved our decision to do so. How does someone that I know so well and that has so very little time when I'm not by his side end up being someone with a complete side of him that I could never imagine being him.

 

please stop with the delusion/illusion.

 

he is not and never has been the man you thought he COULD be.

 

you can talk yourself into it though... as the evidence you provide to yourself here has justified his bad behavior. you can live with it if you choose... and always wonder and check up on him... he will tell you MORE lies - then do exactly whatever he pleases behind your back... over and over.

 

is that the life you intend to live? if not, make drastic changes. to wait on him may take 10, 20, 30 years... only to end up with the same results.

 

his apologies and tears are simply not enough. the man will need a complete and utter overhaul to morph into a different man with action - consistent action the earns your trust for years. you can wait. are you willing to wait?

[whichwayisup]

He needs help. Counselling has to happen, make that a must! He cannot say he's changed. In his mind, at that moment while telling you he's changed he believes it to be true, but can't follow through on it because what he's been doing for so many years has become a habit. An obsession with that next thrill, and the kicker is, it's all ego and fantasy. I doubt he would actually "have sex" with any of them, it's the 'thought of it' that probably gets him going.

 

Either way, he needs to change, and the only way to change is to suffer consquences, deal with the fallout.

 

Sorry that you're hurting. You're an amazing person, all that you do, so don't let him ruin who you are. He is the one who messed up, didn't appreciate all that you do.

[lbm74]

So over it-

Your husband sounds like a sex addict- lots of red flags. Check out the book "Is it love or is is addiction?" by Brenda Schaeffer, and it will help determine his possible addiction. You can read excerpts online as well. I have been with my husband for 18 years, married for 8, and 3 kids, and come to find out he has had these kinds of chats for 9 years under an alias. He had plenty of private chat sex sessions, but never met up with anyone. He ultimately fell "in love" with one of these women, leading to a full blown EA (no PA), and I believe he was scared into telling me because it was the 1st time he truly wanted to meet up with one of these women. The discovery was about 1 year ago. We are still together, but both in counselling. He has quit all of this nonsense, along with the help of his sex therapist, who has called him a mild sex addict, and has urged him to attend sex addicts anonymous meetings. Just like any recovering addict, he will battle this to some degree every day. Like you, I had NO idea he was capable of such things- I really thought I knew him inside and out. It's pretty scary how easily people can lead such a double life...

 

I hope this helps! Good luck!

[TerryW]

I feel like I could have written your post. So many things are the same. I'm a year and a half out. I so feel your pain and I hate that you are having to go through this. I can't seem to find any advise to give you. I still just don't know. So I'll just offer support. Someone out here understands what you are going through and sometimes that's enough. I hope it is for you.

[sammyd]

Hi,

Really sorry to hear your story, and i'm afraid i'm inclined to agree with 2sunny on this one. You need to be strong, and start making decisions for YOU. He's just wrecking your self esteem, and you sound like such a wonderful person.

If you want to try and work this out, i'd suggest counselling for you both.

He's got to stop the cycle, whether he's cheated or not (it sounds like you have no concrete evidence, but if he had the chance he would).

He's doing this to feed his ego, and get attention from other women.

Don't let him grind you down with him:(

[so_over_it]

First of all thank you all for your input! Whether I agree or not with your advice I very much appreciate it all the same, it gives me all aspects to think about and I need that!

 

I know kicking him out now might seem like an ideal solution, but I honestly don't believe that will help me for many reasons even though part of me would love to do it. Making ME happy is my #1 priority right now, I have always put my husband and kids first and look where it got me, from now on it is my sole goal to make sure I'm happy regardless of anything, nothing will happen unless I want it to. If I decide the marriage is over for good then that's the way it's going to be, if I decide it's not then it's not but only on my terms and I will settle for no less.

 

lbm74, I think yours is the type of response I was hoping for the most, not necessarily what you said, but to hear from someone else who has been through the exact thing. I wish I could PM you, but I guess I would have to be on here long term before I'm allowed. What I would really like to know is how do you know that your husband has stopped all the nonsense? I mean I thought mine had, but he stopped emailing people from home and was emailing from work and obviously turned into someone who was going after coworkers, I don't believe that ever happened before this past job, but then again most of the places he worked before didn't have many women, this one seemed to have a lot more. So is there something that makes you totally believe your husband is not doing it anymore, or have you just managed to reach a point where you think you can trust him again? Is that even possible? At this point I wonder how I could ever trust him at all again. Have you, and if so how long did it take, reached a point where you can actually have fun as a couple again? Sit and enjoy each others company? Be intimate again? I mean I love sex as much as he does, but right now the thought of having sex with him makes feel like throwing up, will that ever change? Did you still love him all along through this, or were you like me and not sure anymore? I honestly do not believe he has any love whatsoever for any of these women, it's all about sex, in his messages to them everything goes to sex, nothing about hey let's go for dinner or anything, even if the woman says something not about sex he turns it to something sexual. I don't have any doubt that it's just me he loves, but with the lack of respect he obviously has for me love isn't enough for me anymore.

 

He is eligible for benefits at his job very soon, so I'm hoping that will make it so he can go get help(there's no way we have the money for him to go, we live off only his income and money is very tight) and I will be giving him a time limit as to when he has to have started seeing someone by, but that will still be no guarantee that I won't decide I'm done for good. Any suggestions to what else I can make him do for help until we figure out how to afford a therapist?

 

I managed to get my wedding rings off last night, and after a very bad day it made me feel really good. It will be some time before they go back on, if ever, and I'm leaving them sitting right where he has to see them sitting there several times a day he will see them.

[TheLoveAdvisor]

Sorry to hear.. My wife never made issues of anything I did over our 19 year marriage...It was well established long before we met the issues I had already....

During our 26 years together, 25 of those I looked at porn, heck she would come with me and pick them out, although she never viewed it with me, she didn't like it but never imposed anything on me..

This last year has dawned on me to stop this, forever! I haven't viewed porn in almost a month!

For me, that is huge beings I am bi polar paranoid shcitzopranic....Does that give me excuse?? No, but understanding? Yes.

As far as looking for on line girls, or chatting with girls, or meeting people, no way I would do that, to me that is way out of bounds!

To view a singles ad just to look at faces is wrong, but its not cheating till you start sending emails.... I sometimes looked at single ads just to see the freaks, not to meet or email, thats just a perversion.

Porn is bad, and if this is a new habit, then you have every right to tell him to stop and what you think, but if it has been happening since you met, then you have to let him decide when to stop....

I would definitely put a stop to any emails, joining sites that to meet women... Thats out of line!

 

Its really sad what the Internet has done, but its the people also that are not mature enough to use it... You cannot control a person, but you can plant seeds.... With the kids, long marriage, things tend to go bland, and you end up in a rut....

You both somehow need to become friends again, take time away from the kids and do something fun. Spend an hour talking to each other every night...The kids will have to learn mom and dad come first, when mom and dad are happy then the kids will be happy...

 

Just stop him one day in the Kitchen, and say babe, we need to sit down and talk, be sure you have nobody around, get a babysitter.... Write down all of your wants, what you miss, what you would like to change or see happen... Don't overload him with demands, just make him aware.... Do the things you did in the beginning that made you 2 fall in love!

Go out on dates, stuff like that.... But trust me that the porn thing is very hard to change, and its something he will have to learn...Some men just don't get it no matter what you say or do, so be prepared...It sounds as if you are maturing and he is not...

Looking at any women or man while married with lust in your eyes is Adultery! Its not a man thing, its a bad thing!

Edited October 20, 2010 by TheLoveAdvisor

[lbm74]

I am so glad the words of repeating my story have actually comforted someone else! It has been an extremely difficult year, absolutely. I have kicked him out 3-4 times at least. Same issue here-money is tight, and our 3 kids are young (I was 8 months pregnant with our 3rd when I discovered his EA). With a newborn and two toddlers, I couldn't be alone-I needed his help, and my family was too far away. His mother is closer, but I couldn't bear to be around her either ( as much as I love her, he is her pride and joy.) He went to counselling fairly quickly. There is an entire different level to our issue as well- he apparently did all of this secretly because he was into Dominant/submissive (BDSM) stuff, and was too embarassed to tell me. He got all of his "interests" out online. None of his friends, family, or coworkers knew about this side of him. His online alias was what allowed him to discover his fantasies. I knew our sex life wasn't as great as he wanted ( he wanted sex every day at least), and with kids I was lucky if I was in the mood once per week. I kept telling him I would work on my libido once I was no longer pregnant/nursing, and our 3rd was an oops. We had just started focusing on ourselves again, only for the interruption. This is when he met the OW in an airport, and exchanged emails. They soon found their interests, and began the EA. He was "monogomous" with her in a text/cyber way, no other chat rooms and such. But she was the first "real" woman he met and had similar interests sexually, and knew the chemistry was there.

He continued to text her and respond to her texts for a very long time (for circumstances I won't go into here). But through it all, he saw his therapist, was totally open with their converations, and totally open with me if I asked for access to his personal phone/computer access.

 

He is my best friend, and always will be. I KNEW something was wrong last year, I just didn't realize how bad it was. The key for us has been telling it all- no holds barred (spelling?). I yell at him when I am in a bad way, and he accepts it- he talks me down, and asks what he can do. Sometimes it's just a vent session. We have had several 5,6, even 8 hour sessions of just talking!! ( Most of that occurred on my maternity leave). Our therapist can't believe how open we have been with everything. This is also because I am his best friend, and neither of us can imagine life without the other. That being said, there have been days when I hated him, and told him just that. Some days I still cry from the pain. But things have improved dramatically with time. Yes, time and therapy, and open communication does help heal.

As for the sex, We had random sex sessions at first ( after all, I was no longer pregnant, and thankfully physically feeling great). It was therapeutic, but sometimes I felt sick to my stomach after, for being so stupid. But, again, our therapist said it was only natural with how deeply we were communicating. Things now are much better, the ow is out of the picture, and we are focusing on US again. It is still a day to day process, however.

He works in computer security, so I get nervous, but he actually comes to bed every night, shuts down his work computer every evening (he works from home). He plays computer games a lot now, which often bothers me, but I'll take it over porn and chats, and he does this in the same room as me and the kids, so I know he is not hiding anything!!

 

Sorry this is long, but I hope it helps. Ask me anything you feel you need to know, as this is therapeutic for me too!

[lbm74]

You both somehow need to become friends again, take time away from the kids and do something fun. Spend an hour talking to each other every night...The kids will have to learn mom and dad come first, when mom and dad are happy then the kids will be happy...

 

Just stop him one day in the Kitchen, and say babe, we need to sit down and talk, be sure you have nobody around, get a babysitter.... Write down all of your wants, what you miss, what you would like to change or see happen... Don't overload him with demands, just make him aware.... Do the things you did in the beginning that made you 2 fall in love!

Go out on dates, stuff like that....

 

 

I agree. We went for a lot of walks together, the playground, etc. Just to be friends and joke around. We once walked by this house in our neighborhood (early on) and it had a sign "room for rent," and we joked that he should rent it while we separate (OK, I was 1/2 joking). But things like that helped to lighten the load, and keep us laughing. These days we are taking every chance we get to hire a babysitter and go out-even just to the bar down the road for a couple of drinks. When we are out of the house and alone together, it is completely different-no TV, computers, or interruptions. We are truly falling in love all over again.

But I still have my bad days, and we are still in counselling-and I don't know we will be able to stop going-it remains a critical component to our healing.

[so_over_it]

Well, last night he was off work so after the kids went to bed I made him read everything on this thread. It's hard for me to get words out because my emotions get the better of me, but on here I was able to just let everything flow and I felt he needed to not only read exactly everything I said, but see what other people's responses were to it. After he read it we talked for about 2 hours about this topic specifically before sitting back and relaxing and talking about other things.

 

I again stressed to him that going to get help is non-negotiable but at the same time not a guarantee that I will choose to stay with him. I layed out a lot of very detailed rules he has to follow, once again, him following them guarantees nothing though. He needs to work on more than just the sexual issue and I understand that some days he's going to be in a bad mood, that's only human, the occasional day of him not being extra thoughtful is allowed, but the sexual stuff there is no flexibility, one little slip and one of us leaves(it will be my choice who).

 

He thinks he needed the validation that women could want him because of low self esteem, I will leave it to whoever he goes to see for help to make the assessment as to whether or not that's it. He knows he could never get again what we have/had, we became adults together, we have been together for more than half of our lives. Never again could he find someone where they know each other so well they finish each others sentences like we do. Wives who do and take care of the things that I do are few and far between, he could probably never ever find that again. There's a lot of things about him that I won't go into that he would probably never find another woman who lets him be himself(he's very much a "dork" I guess you could say in many ways). He says he knows if he doesn't fix this he will never again have a life so good.

 

I think the biggest issue we are going to come up against is I cannot see how I can ever trust him, I don't know that it's possible and I don't know how he could prove it to me because even with him not going online unless I'm there in the same room, even with me having full access to his phone to make sure he's not texting anyone, even though he's going to email me numerous times from his work email that he could only be at work while using, and email me as soon as he's leaving so I know there's no time for stops on the way home....even with all that there are still things like him having access to a computer at work that I have no control over. I can only hope that drilling into him yesterday that all it takes is one person who maybe doesn't like him to see him on something on the computer that is not work and they can go file a complaint and then he will be checked up on, thus putting his job(which for the first time ever he has one he loves) in jeopardy.

[FructoseGrande]

He thinks he needed the validation that women could want him because of low self esteem

 

...and people sometimes rob convenience stores because they need the money.

 

His claim to now understand the psychological motivation behind his behavior is not the same thing as his fully accepting his moral and ethical responsibility for it.

[so_over_it]

Having a really hard time today. The past couple of days have been pretty good, lots of talking when he's been home from work(about the issue as well as just keeping up talking about anything and everything as we always have), he has being more considerate in general(asking if I need anything, getting me a drink while he's up, stuff that might seem simple, but things he doesn't always think to do), getting things done for me that he has been procrastinating for a while, and corresponding with me regularly while he's at work including calling as soon as he goes on his break and emails as soon as he's leaving work so I know he's definitely just leaving there.

 

Today has been really hard for me though because we always spend every minute of our weekend together, and normally we are very huggy and touchy feely with each other, but I still don't want him touching me. Weekends are also big for sex for us, and I want it so bad, but I know I can't. I know I can't because I can't make him think he's going to get off that easy, I've told him it will be some time before(if ever) I can have sex with him again, problem for me is it's "torture" for me not being able to have it. I also know as much as I want it I think if I allowed it to happen I would hate myself for doing it and make myself sick.

 

For myself I have been going for a walk every night this week, part of my own process to start taking care of and thinking of me, he has come with me on 2 nights while he was not working. Usually we are holding hands and talking the whole time when we walk, it feels strange not to be holding his hand, the first walk we didn't really talk, tonight we talked a lot more while walking. We walked with the kids, but soon I think we are going to start leaving them at home while we walk alone, they are at the age where it's time to start leaving them for a time and letting them get used to it(most kids their age already are, I'm a little overprotective and haven't been ready to leave them yet).

 

Trying to find support groups here, so far no luck with one getting back to us for him, one that would be for me has but I want to make sure he's in something first. I don't even know how to go about finding an actual therapist, I'm assuming we would just go to our family Dr and ask her for a recommendation.

 

I go back and forth between thinking I'm doing the right thing by keeping communication good and letting him try to prove himself, but it's only been a week since finding out about all this latest stuff so part of me worries too that I'm getting too soft too fast. I still won't tell him I love him and even though just a few days ago I questioned if I still did or not, I know I do, you can't just stop loving someone you've been with for that many years, but I'm not returning the "I love you's" at this time. I don't let him touch me, he did do an automatic grabbing of my thigh in the car today when we joked about something because it's something he always does, I could feel him quickly pull away when he realized what he did though, and he has given me a kiss on the forehead once, that has been the only physical contact between us. I can tell he wants to touch me but he knows from when I let him read my posts on this thread that I don't want him touching me and it looks like he's trying to honor that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi there,

 

Our stories of discovery are VERY SIMILAR. You are going to hear a lot of garbage on this forum about "men need variety" and "it's because you are trying to control him/withhold sex." People can be very narrow minded when they don't live in the situation or understand the implications.

 

I have done a ton of reading and counselling over the very same issue. My husband a well has these issues and was caught chatting online as well. It went on for years without my knowledge. He is a sexual addict.I went through all of the lying, the "no I don't look at porn" "okay so I've been looking at porn but I have been on any dating websites" "No I didn't post that to that woman" "Okay I did but I never met up with anyone" "No I haven't done that in months" "okay I have been doing it again, but I won't anymore"

 

And on and on it goes.

 

You can't peronsal message yet inside loveshack. Please feel free to email me at [email protected] (no Anna Albert is not my real name) to get a few resources and a few things to avoid while trying to recover your marriage. No I am not a spammer, you can check out my other threads and see that I have been posting in here for awhile.

 

There are a ton of books, but there are a few that are pretty crucial to get to for information on how to deal with this issue. There is even a pornography/online treatment program over the internet. There is an open logger where your spouse knows that the computer is being tracked and there are open reports about what has been surfed. We keep in our our computer to keep both of us in check.

 

We have also been seeing an ATSA-trained professional who would probably be able to recommend someone (or at least recommend what qualifications a counselor would need to deal with something of this nature) in your area. It is beyond the scope of a regular marriage counselor (and yes a counselor is going to be crucial, sex addicts are notorious liars and I am betting you were as shocked as I was at the depth your husband could lie to).

 

I am sorry for your grief, it is going to be a rough ride, hopefully something good comes out of it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Having a really hard time today. The past couple of days have been pretty good, lots of talking when he's been home from work(about the issue as well as just keeping up talking about anything and everything as we always have), he has being more considerate in general(asking if I need anything, getting me a drink while he's up, stuff that might seem simple, but things he doesn't always think to do), getting things done for me that he has been procrastinating for a while, and corresponding with me regularly while he's at work including calling as soon as he goes on his break and emails as soon as he's leaving work so I know he's definitely just leaving there.

 

Today has been really hard for me though because we always spend every minute of our weekend together, and normally we are very huggy and touchy feely with each other, but I still don't want him touching me. Weekends are also big for sex for us, and I want it so bad, but I know I can't. I know I can't because I can't make him think he's going to get off that easy, I've told him it will be some time before(if ever) I can have sex with him again, problem for me is it's "torture" for me not being able to have it. I also know as much as I want it I think if I allowed it to happen I would hate myself for doing it and make myself sick.

 

For myself I have been going for a walk every night this week, part of my own process to start taking care of and thinking of me, he has come with me on 2 nights while he was not working. Usually we are holding hands and talking the whole time when we walk, it feels strange not to be holding his hand, the first walk we didn't really talk, tonight we talked a lot more while walking. We walked with the kids, but soon I think we are going to start leaving them at home while we walk alone, they are at the age where it's time to start leaving them for a time and letting them get used to it(most kids their age already are, I'm a little overprotective and haven't been ready to leave them yet).

 

Trying to find support groups here, so far no luck with one getting back to us for him, one that would be for me has but I want to make sure he's in something first. I don't even know how to go about finding an actual therapist, I'm assuming we would just go to our family Dr and ask her for a recommendation.

 

I go back and forth between thinking I'm doing the right thing by keeping communication good and letting him try to prove himself, but it's only been a week since finding out about all this latest stuff so part of me worries too that I'm getting too soft too fast. I still won't tell him I love him and even though just a few days ago I questioned if I still did or not, I know I do, you can't just stop loving someone you've been with for that many years, but I'm not returning the "I love you's" at this time. I don't let him touch me, he did do an automatic grabbing of my thigh in the car today when we joked about something because it's something he always does, I could feel him quickly pull away when he realized what he did though, and he has given me a kiss on the forehead once, that has been the only physical contact between us. I can tell he wants to touch me but he knows from when I let him read my posts on this thread that I don't want him touching me and it looks like he's trying to honor that.

 

S-Anon for you. SA for him: sa.org (hopefully I won't get flagged for this)

[so_over_it]

dreamingoftigers....sending you an email now, with a coincidence you're not going to believe too!

[so_over_it]

Hi there,

 

Our stories of discovery are VERY SIMILAR. You are going to hear a lot of garbage on this forum about "men need variety" and "it's because you are trying to control him/withhold sex." People can be very narrow minded when they don't live in the situation or understand the implications.

 

I have done a ton of reading and counselling over the very same issue. My husband a well has these issues and was caught chatting online as well. It went on for years without my knowledge. He is a sexual addict.I went through all of the lying, the "no I don't look at porn" "okay so I've been looking at porn but I have been on any dating websites" "No I didn't post that to that woman" "Okay I did but I never met up with anyone" "No I haven't done that in months" "okay I have been doing it again, but I won't anymore"

 

And on and on it goes.

 

You can't peronsal message yet inside loveshack. Please feel free to email me at [email protected] (no Anna Albert is not my real name) to get a few resources and a few things to avoid while trying to recover your marriage. No I am not a spammer, you can check out my other threads and see that I have been posting in here for awhile.

 

There are a ton of books, but there are a few that are pretty crucial to get to for information on how to deal with this issue. There is even a pornography/online treatment program over the internet. There is an open logger where your spouse knows that the computer is being tracked and there are open reports about what has been surfed. We keep in our our computer to keep both of us in check.

 

We have also been seeing an ATSA-trained professional who would probably be able to recommend someone (or at least recommend what qualifications a counselor would need to deal with something of this nature) in your area. It is beyond the scope of a regular marriage counselor (and yes a counselor is going to be crucial, sex addicts are notorious liars and I am betting you were as shocked as I was at the depth your husband could lie to).

 

I am sorry for your grief, it is going to be a rough ride, hopefully something good comes out of it.

 

I emailed you, but I will still reply on here to your post.

 

Oh yes, I totally disagree with the "men need variety" thing, how could men "need" it but not women? And the trying to control/withhold sex thing doesn't apply in our case, until now of course, other than a little while while I was having babies my sex drive has always been high too, I mean once in a while life gets busy and we're both too exhausted at the end of the day for sex, plus he works a shift that makes it tough, but other than that we have no shortage of sex....so it's not a matter of him looking for what he doesn't get in our case.

 

The online treatment program definitely sounds like something I would like to check more into! And while he is not going to go online at all anymore unless sitting next to me while doing so, I still think a logger program is not a bad idea. I remember years ago when I first caught him I had found a free one and that is how I caught some of his lies. I can't even remember what the program was or where I found it now though.

 

From what I have read elsewhere while I do believe we both need counseling, I don't think I want to see an actual marriage counselor. I've been reading on a variety of websites about similar situations(some physical cheating, some online) where some have actually recommended against the actual marriage counselor.

 

Like I said, I have email you, I would love to talk to you some more and find out more about what you have gone through and how you handled certain things....if you're up to it that is, I don't want to push you to share anything you're not comfortable with.

[dreamingoftigers]

Don't worry about it, I would love to help someone through this nightmare.