My husband cheated while I was pregnant - can't get over it...

[redlady]

My husband cheated on me while I was 7 1/2 months pregnant in August (August 8th to be exact) and I just had the baby and still cannot get over it. All I do is think about it - think about him with her and why he did what he did to me - to us, to our family. It was someone from his past who contacted him on facebook b/c she was in the area visiting family and they had a one night stand. My heart is broken, everything I thought my world to be has changed and I cannot get over it. And here I sit with a 1 week old baby relying on me to make decisions for him. Do I break up his family? Do I stay and hope I can get past this? My husband seems genuinely sorry, but is it enough? He's ruined everything I thought our marriage was - how can I get past that?!?!?

[BB07]

I'm sorry for your pain and sorry that such a joyous occasion was blighted.

 

Some of the wise people here will be along soon to post on your thread. I'm sure one thing they will advise you on is you do not need to be making any big decisions right now.

[porter218]

Aww. I am so sorry Redlady. That is one of the worst times to find out your H cheated on you. I've been in your shoes and the the hurt does always stay but it will get better in years to come. I highly recommend counseling. If this is the first time he has cheated then you should see if it is possible to stay together. You don't hae to promise him anything right now because it will take you some time to decide what you want to do. First things first...he needs to be absolutely transparent with you from now on. Honesty to a fault! No exception. Is this our first baby with him? I read up on these things and I found that studies show this is a reaction to a fear of commitment. Not that it excuses his behavior...just helps to start understanding why. Turns out that right before marriage and right around the birth of their baby a man is a little more likely to cheat:mad:. How is everything else? Other then this A is the M okay? Did you talk to the OW?

[tinktronik]

I'm sorry for your pain and sorry that such a joyous occasion was blighted.

 

Some of the wise people here will be along soon to post on your thread. I'm sure one thing they will advise you on is you do not need to be making any big decisions right now.

 

You are correct. Just do your best to relax and focus on your newborn right now. My exH cheated on me while I was pregnant too and I would do anything to go back and just unravel myself from the drama of it and focus on what was most important, the earliest days with my child.

 

If I were you I would seek out some counsel, either in the form of a pastor or counselor, in your area and get advice there. Find a few mother's groups to spend baby and mom time with as soon as you are ready. Reach out for support as right after giving birth you tend to be quite secluded and you don't want to exist within your husband's world right now as it has proven untrustworthy and shaky ground.

[ilovelife75]

I am so sorry redlady. What a horrific thing! I am a few months into working on saving my marriage, my husband had an affair 3 years ago and I just found out this spring. We have a little girl. Right now, focus on you and your new little bundle of precious joy, the greatest gift in the world. I remind myself on a daily basis, if I had found out about my husbands' affair during or right after it, I would not have my daughter right now, and she is worth everything to me, she is worth all the pain and heartache in the world that I would ever have to bear. I would not give her up for anything. So spend some time to focus on you and baby. Tell your husband how you feel. There are some really great books, How to Survive an Affair, Torn Asunder and many many more.

 

Your husband needs to be completely honest and answer any questions you have. He needs to be proactive about everything he does, and he needs to make sure you have the time to grieve, feel, and cry, and he needs to give you space when you need it and hold you when you need it. I know for me, even now, its hard for me sometimes to feel connected to him physically. You should have complete access to all of his passwords, cell phone, computer, everything. There will come a time when that needs to end, but only after trust is beginning to be re-established and you have made a choice to forgive and move on and create a better life together. You have the right to leave, and so many people would tell you to just leave. But I understand about the pull to stay, especially with a new baby. You take the time you need for you, whether that means he moves out of your bedroom for a while, move out of your home, or just sleeps on the couch occasionally. You get to make the call right now.

 

He needs to show remorse, sorrow, and anything else that you might need. But take your time, baby steps. Every day gets a little better, but there will be days that seem worse than others. There might even be a time where you think you are doing so much better, and then for no reason, you feel like you are back to square one and feel like giving up. But its all part of the process. This is like a death, you have to go through all of the grief stages to finally get to acceptance, and there is no rhyme or reason for the transition between the stages and the bouncing back and forth between them. The difference between this and death, is that the person who has caused the trauma of adultery is still alive and still much a part of our everyday life.

 

Talk to a counselor, it will help more than you know. Hugs sweetheart. And hugs to that baby!

Edited October 29, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry to break it to you but getting past this may take a VERY Long time to get past. My husband did the same thing and I found out at 8 months pregnant. It really shatters everything when you realize what your husband is capable of doing and when. Pregnancy is supposed to be the time when you bond the most and it rips it all away when you find out how little regard your spouse has for you at the most important and vulnerable time.

 

It is hard to do after being traumatized so much, but you do need to focus on your child (which I am sure you are doing anyways). I had tremendous trouble doing so (my husband is a sex addict that continued to act out, go on benders, etc.) for the first year of her life and I feel like it was stolen from me.

 

I don't know what comfort to offer you, but I hope he hurts, badly.

[Angel1111]

That is SO sad. I am so sorry this happened to you. This should be the happiest time of your life and your husband ruined it by doing this heartless thing. I don't have any advice for you really, just to say that there's no law that says you have to get past it. He's the one who has shattered your family. If you do choose to get past it, take your time and see if you actually can heal from this. Congrats on your baby. Give him lots of hugs and love.

 

The only good thing that is probably happening in terms of this situation is that your husband must be feeling like such an idiot, and you're probably a saint in his eyes right now -- someone who loved him, trusted him, had his child, and loves her family. You're beautiful and pure and he's a cad. There is something a little redeeming about that.

Edited October 18, 2010 by Angel1111

[Untouchable_Fire]

My husband cheated on me while I was 7 1/2 months pregnant in August (August 8th to be exact) and I just had the baby and still cannot get over it. All I do is think about it - think about him with her and why he did what he did to me - to us, to our family. It was someone from his past who contacted him on facebook b/c she was in the area visiting family and they had a one night stand. My heart is broken, everything I thought my world to be has changed and I cannot get over it. And here I sit with a 1 week old baby relying on me to make decisions for him. Do I break up his family? Do I stay and hope I can get past this? My husband seems genuinely sorry, but is it enough? He's ruined everything I thought our marriage was - how can I get past that?!?!?

 

Why did he cheat?

 

How frequent was your sex life at the time?

 

What makes you think he wouldn't do it again?

[greengoddess]

Why did he cheat?

 

How frequent was your sex life at the time?

 

What makes you think he wouldn't do it again?

 

 

Are you really asking how frequent was her sex life at the time? Do you feel men are animals or something and can not go a certain amount of time without sex so they have to cheat? I really hope you are not blaming a women who was pregnant when her husband cheated for his cheating because he did not get enough sex. It sure sounds like you are insinuating that. It's sad to me that women would make themselves available to men who have pregnant wives at home. I can not imagine having sex with a man with a pregnant wife. I would just feel horrible about myself. I could not even do it with a married man let alone one with a pregnant wife.

 

redlady how did you find out? Is he very remorseful? Did he confess?

[YellowShark]

So sorry to hear about your husband's affair redlady.

 

My EX cheated on me with a married man who's wife was pregnant. I can't wrap my head around that kind of betrayal - (it just crosses so many moral and ethical red lines) - therefore I can only imagine how the pregnant wife must feel.

 

A man who can cheat on his pregnant wife is sick, and so utterly broken that he could do that at such an emotional and physically vulnerable time in a woman's life.

 

And that my EX was a mother and she participated in her affair with a married man with a pregnant wife convinced me she was completely toxic as well. So I left her in 4 days flat after 7 years together. It breaks my heart.

[FanFan]

My husband cheated on me while I was 7 1/2 months pregnant in August (August 8th to be exact) and I just had the baby and still cannot get over it. All I do is think about it - think about him with her and why he did what he did to me - to us, to our family. It was someone from his past who contacted him on facebook b/c she was in the area visiting family and they had a one night stand. My heart is broken, everything I thought my world to be has changed and I cannot get over it. And here I sit with a 1 week old baby relying on me to make decisions for him. Do I break up his family? Do I stay and hope I can get past this? My husband seems genuinely sorry, but is it enough? He's ruined everything I thought our marriage was - how can I get past that?!?!?

 

How did you find out? Did he confess without you asking anything?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Are you really asking how frequent was her sex life at the time? Do you feel men are animals or something and can not go a certain amount of time without sex so they have to cheat? I really hope you are not blaming a women who was pregnant when her husband cheated for his cheating because he did not get enough sex. It sure sounds like you are insinuating that. It's sad to me that women would make themselves available to men who have pregnant wives at home. I can not imagine having sex with a man with a pregnant wife. I would just feel horrible about myself. I could not even do it with a married man let alone one with a pregnant wife.

redlady how did you find out? Is he very remorseful? Did he confess?

 

I'm trying to figure out what his goal was in seeking the affair not assign blame.

 

Affairs are always the fault of the cheater, but it does matter sometimes when deciding to reconcile what the cheater was looking for.

 

And yes... if you neglect your husband for a length of time he may find someone else... JUST like if you work too much your wife will do the same. Actually, I think it's probably worse for men, because every single friend I have in the military has been cheated on while on deployment. Every single guy I know.

 

Does that make women animals to you? Most will help a guy cheat on a pregnant wife without hesitation or a second thought if they find the guy attractive enough. Maybe that's just an American thing though.

[redlady]

Okay, I typed a LONG response and my session timed out!!! I'll try again to answer all questions in this one posting...

 

1. Everything else seems okay. Yes, I have spoken with the OW who said they both made a mistake, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. She's trash with no morals in my opinion. I blame my H 100% because he's the one who made the commitment to me, but she knew I/we (the baby and I) existed, yet she persisted in her contact with my husband (even texting him pictures of herself).

 

2. From what I can tell, my H has provided me with every login/password and has been completely honest since the affair. He accounts for every minute he's away from me - but don't worry, I realize it's possible that he could still hide things...

 

3. He seems completely remorseful and we have seeked counseling, but that's stalled since the baby has been born (we live far from family and don't readily have sitters available - plus at just 11 days old, I feel it's too soon to leave him with someone!).

 

4. Although he didn't just outright confess without prompting, I told him the ONLY possibility that we were going to continue with marriage was if he was 100% honest with me and went to counseling. He agreed and that day (just a week after the affair) we went to the counselor and he confessed and apologized while shaking and sweating. He said he never thought he would ever do such a thing to me...The days leading up to our appointment, he told me he was terrified because he knew whatever he said I was going to leave him, which, I still might...

 

5. His answer about why he cheated was that he really didn't know other than it was like a "time warp" (apparently, they had feelings for each other in high school that they never acted on) where things were like they were before he "screwed up" his life (in his parents eyes, which is true - they've never thought of him the same after he got into a relationship with a girl and they got arrested together). He said he didn't know why, but whenever things are good in his life, he goes and screws them up.

 

6. While I don't think there's ANY excuse for infidelity (I think telling your spouse you want a divorce is the way to handle such feelings, NOT cheating) I understand sexual needs...our sex life was quite active and fulfilling (even according to him when I asked if that was the reason) so that is not the issue. Although it doesn't make me feel any better in the sense that my self esteem has taken SUCH a hit because of this. I even thought maybe he didn't like seeing me pregnant, but he said that didn't turn him off at all...

 

7. I DON'T know that he won't do it again - that's part of the problem. Right now I feel like every and any man could/would cheat and kinda feel like I don't want to be with anyone because of that...I can say that he SWEARS he'll never hurt me again and he hates to see what he's done when I cry and break down like I do, but really, that doesn't hold much water with me because he swore in front of everyone at our wedding to be honest and faithful and well, we know how THAT turned out.

 

When I say part of the problem, I mean the other part is that I feel SO very broken right now and my heart hurts so much that I don't know if/how I can/should continue in this relationship.

 

There are a few things that I think affect how terrible this is for me and also, could possibly lend themselves to a reason for him...

 

We experienced infertility for 3 years and I went through 5 rounds of less-invasive therapies without success and then 2 rounds of IVF to conceive our little boy. The fact that I put my body through hell and we went through SUCH an emotional time together getting to this point, I can NOT believe that he would do such a thing.

 

He had a TERRIBLE childhood and has parents, neither of which ever really wanted him (often shuffling him back and forth to each other when they would tire of him) and in my opinion, was never really loved. I almost think in some way, he's looking for the love that was lacking from his mother, which he'll never get from any woman. It's terrible to think that he grew up like that, but it's true - I've seen it with my own eyes. One thing the counselor said was that he will get to see a mothers love when he sees me with our little boy and I think that's true, it's clear he sees the love I have for my little man and recognizes how different it is from what he got from his mom (or actually, didn't get).

 

I really, truly don't know what to make of everything. I believe he does love me/us, I believe he is sorry and is trying to make things better, but I don't know how to stop thinking about them together just that one day, him touching her, him kissing her and everything else they did. I just can't stop thinking about it. It's also tough because she's unattractive, which makes me feel even LESS desirable becaues I think "God, he'd rather be with HER?!?!?!". I'm no super model by ANY means, but really, if she were SUPER hot, I could almost see that as an excuse or something (you know, a cause for weakness on his part) but she's UNATTRACTIVE (I want to say ugly, but don't want it to seem that I'm just attacking her because I'm not). I hate her and what she did, I hate him and what he did. What he took from me is beyond what our marriage was. He took what was really, truly a miracle in my life, something I thought was NEVER going to happen for so long and ruined the last few months of it. I even thought of everything not long after delivering my little boy because it then became very real that I had someone else to make decisions for, not just me.

 

I feel crazy sometimes, really I do. I can't stop thinking about it and I just cry and cry. I just hate that I can't go back and change things and I don't know what the answer is. Either way, I'm crushed. If I stay, I don't know how long it will take for me to get past it (is it even possible?!?!) and if I go, I force my son to grow up from a broken home and honestly, I'll still be crushed. Crushed that his actions made me leave and live my life so differently than I had imagined it. To me, this is a lose/lose situation no matter WHICH way I look at it and it kills me.

[FanFan]

How did you find out?

 

Were you suspicious?

 

By the way, has he been tested for STD and HIV yet? I bet they didn't use condoms.

[redlady]

I found out because he told me about this "friend" from high school that had contacted him on facebook (hate that site - did I mention that?!?!?) and that they were good friends in high school. I got suspicious - had a gut feeling and started checking the cell phone bill for activity and there was a LOT of texts back and forth. I only suspected the actual affair, but like I said, told him he had to be honest if there was ANY chance it could work between us, so he told me he slept with her.

 

He swears they used a condom, but I don't believe anything. I got tested and he hasn't yet, but I told him he has to if he wants to be with me...

[lbm74]

Redlady, so sorry this has happened to you. My advice is for you both to get individual counselling as well as marriage counselling. About 1 year ago I discovered my husband's emotinal affair of 4 months when I was 8 months pregnant as well. Although they never had sex, he had plenty of intimacy in other ways, and was seriously contemplating leaving me for her. I was devastated, but had to hold it together as it was our 3rd child. Our other children at the time were 4 and 1 1/2. We had serious discussions as the pregnancy progressed, and after the birth I was home on maternity leave, and soooo lost. I ended up seeing a woman who specialized in psychotherapy related to women's health/ reproductive health. I never had trouble with postpartum depression, and she wasn't going to let that change! Her focus was on me and our children, and keeping us healthy from one day to the next. I looked forward to the sessions as I brought my newborn with me, and he just slept so beautifully, and often I would go out shopping or to luch with him after. I was able to bond with him in a totally different way, and at almost 1 year old now, he is the most laid back and happy boy!

 

My husband also went to counselling on is own, and once we were ready we attended sessions together with his therapist. It has been a difficult year, but since his decision to end the EA and move on with his family he has become the man I originally married.

 

We still have a lot of work to do, but I am so grateful for our therapists help. If your husband truly feels remorse, I feel that is the first step in recovery. Most importantly, though, take care of yourself and your baby.

 

One day at a time.

Good luck

[redlady]

Are you really asking how frequent was her sex life at the time? Do you feel men are animals or something and can not go a certain amount of time without sex so they have to cheat? I really hope you are not blaming a women who was pregnant when her husband cheated for his cheating because he did not get enough sex. It sure sounds like you are insinuating that. It's sad to me that women would make themselves available to men who have pregnant wives at home. I can not imagine having sex with a man with a pregnant wife. I would just feel horrible about myself. I could not even do it with a married man let alone one with a pregnant wife.

 

redlady how did you find out? Is he very remorseful? Did he confess?

 

I agree greengoddess. I think the woman is a vile piece of trash to do such a thing (she even has 2 kids of her own and supposedly is going through a divorce b/c HER husband cheated, so it's not like she doesn't know what it's like to be pregnant or cheated on). Again, I blame my husband 100% for breaking his vow to me, but seriously, the woman has NO MORALS (and I told her so) to do such a thing...

[Holding-On]

Well many hugs to you. That sounds very rough.

 

Some thoughts

First you are just through labor and healing. Hormonal imbalances or even PostPartumDepression, especially with such an emotional shock, is highly likely. So avoid making any big decision about divorce for at least a year.

 

Second if your husband's home life is as you describe it is possible that he was/is likely terrified about being a parent. So the continued counselling sounds like an excellent suggestion.

 

Third, I don't know if this was addressed, but Facebook seems to be causing you both nothing but grief. As a show of goodwill can he agree not to have a social network account (or if you feel that is too much, not to have an account like that for 3 or 4 or x years).

[on a learning curve]

I agree greengoddess. I think the woman is a vile piece of trash to do such a thing (she even has 2 kids of her own and supposedly is going through a divorce b/c HER husband cheated, so it's not like she doesn't know what it's like to be pregnant or cheated on). Again, I blame my husband 100% for breaking his vow to me, but seriously, the woman has NO MORALS (and I told her so) to do such a thing...

 

Oh my. she is a vile piece of trash? With no morals?

 

Yet, you forgive your husband? Nice.

 

Glass houses and such.

[porter218]

Oh my. she is a vile piece of trash? With no morals?

 

Yet, you forgive your husband? Nice.

 

Glass houses and such.

 

ummm... No she said "I blame my husband 100%" as you quoted there.

She didn't say she has forgiven him. She states very clearly here that she doesn't know if she can forgive him. She is trying to work things out with him but she is far from forgiving him.

[on a learning curve]

ummm... No she said "I blame my husband 100%" as you quoted there.

She didn't say she has forgiven him. She states very clearly here that she doesn't know if she can forgive him. She is trying to work things out with him but she is far from forgiving him.

 

Well, I guess she will have to forgive him for the marriage to have a chance.

 

Just don't go calling the OW a "vile piece of trash". How disgusting is that?

[redlady]

Well, I guess she will have to forgive him for the marriage to have a chance.

 

Just don't go calling the OW a "vile piece of trash". How disgusting is that?

 

It's my perogative to call her what I want. The woman flat out told me days before sleeping with my husband "i assure you I am no threat to your family" yet she continued sending him photos of herself. I must admit u insinuating that I'm trash is hurtful & incorrect. Im here for advice, not criticism so please keep your comments to yourself if you have nothing nice to say. I never said i forgave my husband - please read my posts again. I blame BOTH of them, especially since shes a mother going through divorce bc of her husbands cheating.

[on a learning curve]

It's my perogative to call her what I want. The woman flat out told me days before sleeping with my husband "i assure you I am no threat to your family" yet she continued sending him photos of herself. I must admit u insinuating that I'm trash is hurtful & incorrect. Im here for advice, not criticism so please keep your comments to yourself if you have nothing nice to say. I never said i forgave my husband - please read my posts again. I blame BOTH of them, especially since shes a mother going through divorce bc of her husbands cheating.

 

It is your perogative...so be it.

 

I didn't insinuate you were trash; you called the OW trash. I simply argued that you may be wrong.

 

I am sorry for your pain -this woman is mean, and no friend of yours. Talk to your husband.

 

I wish you the best

[redlady]

It is your perogative...so be it.

 

I didn't insinuate you were trash; you called the OW trash. I simply argued that you may be wrong.

 

I am sorry for your pain -this woman is mean, and no friend of yours. Talk to your husband.

 

I wish you the best

 

Ahhh, I see that you are/were the ow, which explains why you didn't like what I called her. Well, as I've said, I don't believe there's ever a valid reason to have an affair, but I will keep my comments about other ow to myself.

[greengoddess]

Oh my. she is a vile piece of trash? With no morals?

 

Yet, you forgive your husband? Nice.

 

Glass houses and such.

 

 

This woman put a full out attack on redlady's family while she was pregnant and insisting she was no threat to redlady's marriage. This woman knew redlady was pregnant and still F@#$ED her husband. If that is not a vile piece of trash I don't know what is.