Coping through a new relationship with past baggages

[JerseySun]

Sorry my words are run ons and grammar issues ..in a program that requires it and typing fast....

 

 

How to cope when 3 years ago your girlfriend cheated on you and got pregnant. My ex and me dated 3 years ago, and at the time i was in training for deployment. She broke up with me a few days before i was deploying and told me that i was an awful boyfriend etc. Then i questioned her to her reasons, but got no answers. I later found out that she got pregnant from a one night stand, and later married the jodie and from that she got a divorce etc. Well call me stupid, we ran across each other path, and she told me from her own mouth what really happen, and that she did got pregnant and took the coward way out. Well call me stupid we spoke about issues etc, and from that we started dating again and will like to take it to another level. I am a christian and believe in forgiveness, but won't sit and allow this jacko to do what he peace based on his terms. It's either you in the picture 100% or just save us the burden of making up excuses down the line. I love her son as if he was my own because it really is not his fault, but my problems is with her ex husband. He is a young boy 24 while she is 30 and i am 31 yrs old now. He is mr pop into the picture to contact his son when he feels like it, and of course since he knows her and i speak again he is disneyland dad with the expensive toys. Never have he taken care of his son because for the past 3 years he has either being awol or around when he feels like it as in calling. He does not go out his way for anything and before we dated she has flew up and down the east coast making him be with his son. I told her that he has no type of responsiblity and never will because he just expect people to cater to him. It frustrate me because not only she had to deal with his lies during their marriage, and now it's in the new phase of being around in his childs life he does what he did then. Do it when he feels like it. I get very frustrated because it's just a cycle that will never end, but she has stepped up and not cater do him. I have been on 7 deployments, and this is his first deployment and he doesn't even call his son every week or at least something on facebook but he does have access to things. Heck i have been deployed a lot along with being currently deployed and know how the system work. He just don't do anything. I know i can't have him taken out the picture, but just dealing with his on and off again motions is frustration..

Edited October 16, 2010 by JerseySun
grammar

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am going to be harsh here. You are absolutely crazy to get involved with this girl again. She cheats on you and gets pregnant and has a child from another guy. She marries him and divorces him. The father will be involved with them when he chooses for the rest of his life and you want to get back involved and bring it to the next level with this woman? What is wrong with this picture?

 

My friend surely you can find someone else without the history and baggage that this woman has. Please open your eyes. You are probably making a huge mistake. I wish you luck and thank you for all you do.

[JerseySun]

Thank you sir for your words,and you are right. I feel so trap because I love her so much,and something keeps me wanting to stay because her son doesn't need another disappointment. I have spoken to military Chaplains and was told that giving it to God he will see her forgiveness because I asked her when we spoke again her true value in faith. Since that first day we have been devoted to take this relationship through God first, but of course part of me can't deal with the father whom doesn't care. His sense of caring is when he feels like it,and her son doesn't need a father figure like that in his life even if he is not my own. I am confused I will admit, but believe through God he will see us through together. I just can't cope with knowing this guy will be in our lives when he feels like it to his son. She has already mention that she was given the answer through God that either he step up or step out cause it will effect their son. I won't lie his actions of his on and off ways make me think of the incident that happen. Thank you for your words, and you are right,and I am just confused because I see myself as someone who can show her son what a real man can be despite everything that happen. Perhaps I am stupid because I do know that I can find someone else, but my heart may not be their if after 3 years and trying to move on. My heart still loved her for what I knew of her heart minus the one sin she did.

[alexandria35]

Thank you sir for your words,and you are right. I feel so trap because I love her so much,and something keeps me wanting to stay because her son doesn't need another disappointment. I have spoken to military Chaplains and was told that giving it to God he will see her forgiveness because I asked her when we spoke again her true value in faith. Since that first day we have been devoted to take this relationship through God first, but of course part of me can't deal with the father whom doesn't care. His sense of caring is when he feels like it,and her son doesn't need a father figure like that in his life even if he is not my own. I am confused I will admit, but believe through God he will see us through together. I just can't cope with knowing this guy will be in our lives when he feels like it to his son. She has already mention that she was given the answer through God that either he step up or step out cause it will effect their son. I won't lie his actions of his on and off ways make me think of the incident that happen. Thank you for your words, and you are right,and I am just confused because I see myself as someone who can show her son what a real man can be despite everything that happen. Perhaps I am stupid because I do know that I can find someone else, but my heart may not be their if after 3 years and trying to move on. My heart still loved her for what I knew of her heart minus the one sin she did.

 

Whoa....Sounds like you and she are getting ready to completely cut this guy out of his son's life. I would caution against this. I'm not making excuses for this guys behavior towards his son, but he is not the only one making mistakes here. She had a one night stand with him and then married him because she was pregnant. Sounds like he got used.

 

My sons had a deadbeat dad too. Didn't pay child support until he was forced to, was horribly unreliable when it came to visits with the kids and often times completely stood them up. I absolutely hated him when he would do that. My sons are grown now and their whole lives I allowed their father to be involved in their lives as much or as little as he wanted to be. I don't regret that, what I do regret is that I didn't work hard enough to protect their little hearts when their their dad was being unreliable. He would make me so angry and my kids would see that, I even badmouthed him in front of them. That hurt them, not him. Sorry but I don't believe that God is telling your gf to completely eradicate the father from her son's life. Nobody has the right to do that unless there is abuse present.

 

Sounds like you are dealing with leftover anger and bitterness about the past and you are directing those feelings towards the exhusband because you want to forgive your gf. That is understandable, but don't be rash.

[JerseySun]

Alexandria, I see your point, and I want him to step up to the plate and be their for his son, but do it consistent. The decision of not putting her son through this because he is more like disney land who buys the expensive gifts, and he does pay child support. Yet on that terms it because he feels that "well I do that much what else". His son doesn't know him,and while he is only 3 years old. They remember a lot, and she doesn't stop him from contacting him or making an effort to see him being the both have custody. He just doesn't want to be responsible,and has every excuse to why and will not. I have told her that he will always be in their lives and mine. Like I mention that is not my problem it just upsets me because he treats it like a annual oil change to do his duty and call sometimes every 3 weeks or before we started talking he waited a whole year to call his son. At some point as a parent you want to look out for the best interest of your child based on how that person is in their life. Even if I were in the picture or not. I made my peace with him on disrespecting along with forgiving her,and yes knowing the truth about our break up 3 years later was a shock. I just don't want this little boy whom I do care about have to have his heart broken by his father who even his parents etc know he doesn't stick around when things get hard or just tired of it.

 

When my ex got pregnant for him, he offered to keep the baby etc and while it sound good at the moment it was all game. The detail of her deals with she was in basic (military) and he was too and the typical hook up one night stand stuff that goes on the military and percentage get pregnant etc. He asked her to marry him and knew he was not ready, but for him it was a game for the moment, and a month after they got married he asked her for a divorce. I don't agree with either persons, but also don't believe in playing games until your tired and moving on and doing it to other people. For the most part I want him to be their because he want too, but not because he has to annually call or send his child expensive gifts to say " look at what I got you" That is very immature. We all make mistakes, and I forgive her totally, but when it involves a child the coping of his ups and downs. I have been deployed 7 times and he is on his first deployment, and you would think he would want to speak to his son being that he is in another country etc. He does not call or anything,and it is not like he can't because you can. He can do everything else while their but can't even call his child. Before he was deployed he technically was deployed because he lived a distance from his son and won't even call then also. I guess because I believe in responsibility and being mature and he just does not want too because everyone make excuses for him. I do see your point, and know he will be in the picture but just for him to show off with expensive things, and never once make prevision to have his son live or stay with him.

[alexandria35]

Well it doesn't sound like there is much you can do about it besides help the little boy as much as you can. You can't make this guy be a fabulous father if he doesn't want to be. He does sound selfish and immature but then again who marries a one night stand due to pregnancy these days? Sounds like both of them behaved impulsively and without maturity and your gf was older.

 

So he is mostly absent, phones sporadically and plays santa claus from time to time. There are worse things. If this one night stand happened 3 years ago then I'm guessing the little boy is about 2 yrs old. I've tried talking to my two year old grandaughter on the phone and you know, she doesn't have much to say...lol. I don't think this guy is doing anything to hurt the boy right now.

 

My kids dad did get somewhat better as the kids got older, maybe it was because he matured a little bit or maybe it was because as the boys got older he felt like he could relate to them better. There may come a time when the ex husbands behavior does affect the child and you will have to help him deal with that. He is lucky that he does have you as strong male influence in his life, lots of boys don't have anyone.

[JerseySun]

Alexandria he is a nice little boy, and just turned 3 years old. You picked the great two words selfish and immature, and as James Merritt said (Touchinglives) what people tend to be when it comes to relationships with spouse or children. He does have a lot of growing up to do, but you can't make someone be their because it will only be upon forced, and later it will turn back to how it was before. For 2 years old and 3 years old they are really smart, and enjoy watching the educational shows on TV through Nick. He is very smart, and talks well for 3 even when he was 2 years old. He loves to picture read along with retaining a lot of information he learns from the shows and his mother go over what he learns from them. When his father called it was only cause it was his birthday he really didn't say much to him. I feel bad because I know how important it is to have your father in you life because I was blessed to have my father in my family. He knows who I am when I call, and talks to me on the phone, and it is not forced to favor me either. My gf has mention the same thing about him being young not effected now, but I am sure he question things because the shows he watch may mention at times a daddy. Children know a lot based on surrounding and people they communicate with on a regular bases. I am hoping as he get older he will grow up because he is 24 but for a person who does not like to be attached to things because he will hurt it. I fault him for even making lies to someone when he knew it was not what he wanted to do. . I thank you a lot. I want what is best for her because I do care for her a lot, and she made her mistakes and it's fine, and though Mr. Jodie came in and sold her a dream and it was both of their fault. That little boy does not need pain from what he will do down the line, and have already shown since the day he was born. I just want to know how would a person cope with after forgiveness the road an immature person whom does things just to show they did abc and xyz

[jnj express]

Hey Jersey---unfortunately---you take this situation on as it is-----If you want to be with this woman and her child---then you are also stuck with this scumbag part-time father

 

But you could petition the court to adopt the kid as your own---but that would then let him out of child support----but might limit his time with the child to specifically set up times-------

 

Is there even a custody document in place spelling out who has what---when and where

[Untouchable_Fire]

and he does pay child support. Yet on that terms it because he feels that "well I do that much what else".

 

If she wanted child support she could get it... so don't act like this guy is just walking free. He plays "disneyland dad", so clearly he is spending money on the kid.

 

It's not your problem anyway! It's not your bloody kid, and she cheated on you to create the child.

 

I get that you care about the child... and if you like kids... go have some.

 

Stop blaming this other guy for everything.

 

. I thank you a lot. I want what is best for her because I do care for her a lot, and she made her mistakes and it's fine, and though Mr. Jodie came in and sold her a dream and it was both of their fault. That little boy does not need pain from what he will do down the line, and have already shown since the day he was born. I just want to know how would a person cope with after forgiveness the road an immature person whom does things just to show they did abc and xyz

 

She picked that guy over you! Who cares if it was based on lies? She had a baby with this other guy... not you! She had you and could not find enough respect for you to keep from sleep with other guys.

 

Now your back for more... and you get to do all the work of raising the other guys kid.

 

What are you doing to yourself? It really seems like your self esteem is in the toilette.

[JerseySun]

jnj express, before I came into the picture she was rethinking having him give child support because then he won't feel obligated by terms, and may make him want to be in his son's life. The good thing is that he does pay child support because he came from a background where his father was not around, and mention to her about his mother struggling etc, but I guess it's the case of you have the support money wise and when I am ready then I will see him on my terms.

 

Untouchable_Fire, first thing my self esteem is no where in the toilette, but I am a christian who forgive, but won't deal with more drama in another level. I rather try to work things out with her than fake my love to someone else based on just wanting to hear something from someone else. I know she loves me, and we make mistakes even in this level. Mostly want to know my posing on things being an outsider but actually inside the issue because her son see me as a good example. I do have my a little girl whom I care for deeply ,and her mother and my gf are both on a level that they communicate because the children are what matter. The issue over who is the father/mother does not because it is about being in our children lives on a daily bases being my phone or in person. A child needs that regardless of the parents being married or not. I want involved but involvment does mean on your terms every once in awhile and only when you buy expensive gifts. Who said I am blaming the other guy as a military person I believe in respect, and my past issues with that is far gone and forgave. It was shady based on me deploying and then being told we broke up. I don't expect someone to have respect when they looking for a fix even if they knew you are involved and she agreed to it. Done deal nothing to speak on, but my concern is afterwards. what about the kid who has to deal with disappointment, and being I care should coping with his ups and downs be tolerate just to say daddy will come around when he is ready

Edited October 18, 2010 by JerseySun
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