My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker need help
Bout 3 months ago I found out that my husband had an emotional affair with a coworker at his job, we are in marriage counseling and working things out but I am having a lot of problems getting over the girl. They are still friends and still talk part of me thinks they crossed a line so how can they still be friends without having any kind of feelings, he told me they had a long talk and set boundries but i was not there so i do not know how the conversation went, the problem is I see her and it is very awkward between each other I know my husband has to work with her so i do I deal with that, the therapist told him he had an emotional affair but he feels like he did nothing wrong and just needed someone to talk to since he could not talk to me, also she talks to him about her boyfriend and asks for help. the therapist told him he was not supposed to be doing that anymore and all he says i don't talk about my persoanl problems anymore, i think none of that should be going on, maybe its just me don't know what to do, part of me wants to talk to her, and tell her to stop talking to my husband about her personal problems and life and just keep it about the weather and work, he is very nice and does not want to say anything but i feel they both crossed a line and how can you continue a friendship after something like that and try to work on your marriage, would love some advice I get alot of advice from friends who tell me they give me alot of credit because they would have told him to either pick our marriage and son or pick his friendship with her, but i am trying to be the bigger person in all this but i am losing my patients would love some other advice from people that do not know me, thanks
I know what you're going through as I just found out that my husband is having an emotional affair as well but he doesn't see it that way & refuses to go to counselling. Lucky for me she lives out of state & they met at a conference. I'm just biding my time & decide to live my own life because I have children. I've decided to just treat my husband as a friend & maybe he'll just get tired of it all & make the final decision of divorce that I have been pushing for. This isn't the first time I had to deal with his so called platonic friends. I wish you luck, have patience & learn to trust. I lost trust in my husband because he just kept lying & I'd catch him over & over. If your husband is up front with his actions around you, give him a chance. good luck...
i know what you're going through, my husband is seeing a girl that he works with and has been her friend for some time now. I'm in a lot of pain because I just recently found out that he has been seeing her since we've been separated. he wants a divorce, but i'm the one going to counseling and he never wanted to try. all my husband does is spend time over at her and her folks house and it just infuriourates me. cause we're not divorced yet, but he's being selfish and running away from me to her. I guess what i'm trying to say is don't take his talking with her lightly and get out of the situation if he doesn't want to work it out.....
I'm sorry, but I find this disrespectful. If he knows your feelings on this one and agreed to make a change, then this is just plain wrong. He must work with her? Fine, but continuing to "talk" if I'm understanding you correctly, must surely consititute the same kind of relationship that so upset you in the first place???
he feels like he did nothing wrong and just needed someone to talk to since he could not talk to me
The can was opened, worms came out... You seriously need to talk over why he feels he can't talk to you.
Sounds to me like you're heading for an 'ultimatum situation'. Not sure if it's the best way to handle it, but if you feel that your relationship cannot continue in this way, then you will probably eventually have to force his hand. I can't think of an alternative..
Danielle, I have been though this too. I can tell you that the hurt will never go away. You and your son's happiness should come before anyone else. You have already proved yourself to be a bigger person by talking to him about it.
Honestly, from your email you sound like a reasonable person and discussed it with him as an adult. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS. This may seem like silly advice to some others but it always works for me. Do some really positives things for yourself. Get a personal trainer and get your body in shape (you'll look and feel better about yourself and self image). Take some college classes a subject that interest you - maybe a foreign language (you be around people that share your interest). Etc..... The point is going through what you are feeling can take its toll on you. You do not sound like you are ready to put your foot down so keep busy doing positive things that will improve you in the end instead of waiting for hubby to get his head out of his ass. Life goes on with or without us might as will take control of the things we can.
Location: East of the rock, West of the hard place
"..the therapist told him he had an emotional affair but he feels like he did nothing wrong and just needed someone to talk to since he could not talk to me.."
I see your problem as 2 fold. First, your husband does not think he did anything wrong. From your post, I gather you guys are in therapy. If he didnt' think he did anything wrong, why would you guys be there? Limiting his contact with her will help. He can cut out the friendship if he wanted and make sure all contact is work only.. but he doesn't want to. Does he feel this "friendship" of his is more important than his wife? Why would he feel he can continue a relationship that is hurtful to you? Second, he doesn't seem to respect your feelings or wishes. Even if they aren't his own, part of marriage is compromise and doing reasonable things w/in your power to make your partner happy and nurture your relationship with your SPOUSE. He needs to get his head out of his @ss and see the real picture. He doesn't feel he can talk to you? why? well, talking to some other female isn't going to make it easier, now is it?
I know you want to be a bigger person, I tried that, too. When I found out about my husband's EA, I didn't insist on him ending contact w/her.. well, several months laters and 2 more confrontations w/him about it (because he could not seem to keep their contact from going over the line), I put my foot down and he does not have contact w/her now. That is part of the danger w/your husand and his "friend" ... he may feel like he pulled back but he is only human.. he has crossed the line once, he will do it again.
Danielle.. There is also a check list your husband may be interested to see (or not, depending on how deep his denial is).
One rule of thumb I use.. and this is the way I got my husband to realize his contact was wrong.. would you do this or say this to the other person in front of me? if the answer is no, then you have gone over the line.
i had an emotional affair with a co-worker. we have not seen each other in 2 years but kept in touch by email each month. My wife found out and it has destroyed her. I realize the pain it caused. I felt like I could talk to my co-worker because she understood me. I know now that it was because I was not painting a true picture of my life at home and that I should have made a better effort to connect with my wife. I was always afraid to tell her things as it seemed to me to end up being a judgement, why did I think/feel the way I did, that it did not make sense to her so it must not be right
I really want to stay with her as I love her and we have 3 great kids who are going through hell with all of this. She repeatedly wants to know details and I want to move on and put it behind us. How do we get there?
Location: East of the rock, West of the hard place
The only why you are going to be able to get your wife to "move on" is to answer her questions. Period. You have to tell her what she wants to know.
I suggest you two get into counseling as well, if you can afford it. Or something.. You need to do more that "move on" or you set yourself up to repeat this pattern. Sit down with w/your wife and really have an honest look at your relationship to see why you felt like you need that kind of support system and emotional tie w/someone who is not your wife....
Be there for her, listen to her, let her vent, love her. Even when she crys, even when she's angry and pushes you away. She needs to see that your are truly committed to being with her now.
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