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cheating while dating vs cheating while married


war of the roses

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war of the roses

I started dating my husband at 16yrs old. At 20 yrs old I cheated on him for on and off 4 years no sex. We were living together. He found out, I moved out and then we got back together. While I was moved out I ended it with other guy. Here's my dilema, we are going on 20yrs together -10 married and children. After everything seemed fine in our marriage. He went on a sudden weight loss about 4 yrs ago and it was on after that. Everything from no sex, never around always working- I literally became a single mom from 06-09. I never caught him but I was hot on his trail. I never got to find out who the 1st girl was but then there was 2nd, that I approached with him & I think I stopped it,plus he swore nothing happened, but by 12/09 I was done. Told him I was done fiighting for us, I wasn't mentally, physically, or emotionally able to keep doing it after all this time. He swore that he never did anything, I was nuts, what's wrong with me. The trust was gone, we somehow got thru it rang in the new year-09 with high hopes. So I thought then during our children's soccer practice from sep-11-09 some blonde bimbo shows up out of no where. I started to keep track and little by little if he missed practice she was no where in sight, if he was late she was. I felt so betrayed even worse around our children. So now I am a mess, no trust, which trying is killing me and the thoughts of him having sex with them. He went from lower than average sex drive up 3x a day and everyday sex. Now it's back to 1-2/week. Never like that again. I feel it was a midlife crisis, but I don't think my cheating pre marriage and so long ago wld be equivalent to post-marriage with a family? I love him but I am really trying to move on but how can I? Your thoughs? I asked him if no-sex cheating pre was the same to post marriage with a family and sexual the same he said a cheat is a cheat; which I do not agree with.

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I started dating my husband at 16yrs old. At 20 yrs old I cheated on him for on and off 4 years no sex. We were living together. He found out, I moved out and then we got back together. While I was moved out I ended it with other guy. Here's my dilema, we are going on 20yrs together -10 married and children. After everything seemed fine in our marriage. He went on a sudden weight loss about 4 yrs ago and it was on after that. Everything from no sex, never around always working- I literally became a single mom from 06-09. I never caught him but I was hot on his trail. I never got to find out who the 1st girl was but then there was 2nd, that I approached with him & I think I stopped it,plus he swore nothing happened, but by 12/09 I was done. Told him I was done fiighting for us, I wasn't mentally, physically, or emotionally able to keep doing it after all this time. He swore that he never did anything, I was nuts, what's wrong with me. The trust was gone, we somehow got thru it rang in the new year-09 with high hopes. So I thought then during our children's soccer practice from sep-11-09 some blonde bimbo shows up out of no where. I started to keep track and little by little if he missed practice she was no where in sight, if he was late she was. I felt so betrayed even worse around our children. So now I am a mess, no trust, which trying is killing me and the thoughts of him having sex with them. He went from lower than average sex drive up 3x a day and everyday sex. Now it's back to 1-2/week. Never like that again. I feel it was a midlife crisis, but I don't think my cheating pre marriage and so long ago wld be equivalent to post-marriage with a family? I love him but I am really trying to move on but how can I? Your thoughs? I asked him if no-sex cheating pre was the same to post marriage with a family and sexual the same he said a cheat is a cheat; which I do not agree with.

 

Are you comparing them, or is he? If you are, then you probably still feel guilty about what happened - if he is, then possibly he is still feeling pain from the past.

 

IMO - cheating when in a supposedly single relationship - whether married or not - is still cheating. For the cheating to be sexual or non-sexual is (again IMO) still cheating.

 

If you are attempting to feel better about what you did as a comparison to what you think he is doing - I'd not go down that path if I were you. The bigger issue over what you did in the past is that he supposedly forgave you for it, as you got married after the fact.

 

Also, you are making a lot of smoke without finding much fire. Find out for sure if he is cheating (or not). Then take it from there.

 

BTW - 20 years together that started at 16 - that means you are 36 and him probably the same or only a little older. 36-40 does not generally make mid-life crisis. Those usually happen in the fifties.

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war of the roses

I am not comparing it he threw it in my face when he was on his misson out of left field why? If he wasn't doing anything? Yes he forgave and we discussed it and I have been honest with him since. I would have tried to understand the first time around. But to try a 2nd time, then a 3rd around our children? That's a low blow. I respect your opinion as my husband said a cheat is a cheat. However, regardless if I had proof you know when soemthing is shady and up. We've been together a very long time. He became someone I didn't even know. When I addressed him he was more concerned on how did I find out vs not doing anything. I'd say he pretty much blew it for himself.

 

Midlife crisis or whatever it was it stunk! And not to mention he kicked it to my friend in our house in front of my family. I feel like he'll kick itto anyone?? How am I suppose to feel.

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Just tell him that

 

"My stupidity decades ago have nothing to do with your stupidity today, nor does it make your cheating now acceptable or excusable. Stop trying to spin this around on me, and let's solve the EXISTING issue, shall we?"

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war of the roses

Thank you, however when he insists he hasn't done anything how do you work with that. I have decided to put myself first and my children and make myself a better person. I am done being treated like I am crazy. the sicking feeling is horrible when he comes home sometimes. I pray and hope the god keeps shining the light he did and I put my marriage in his hands. I have told my husband that whether he admits it or not I know something was up, hope it's over and not a next time, any feeling I get it's over. I grew up with a cheating dad with depressed mother staying for the kids sake and it was rough. I thought I had broken that cycle when we married. (I just remembered he mingled as well prior to our marriage) I know no one is perfect but I refuse to stay and be disrespected let alone diseases. I also told him I will not risk my life for some piece of u know what. If that's what he wants bye bye. I guess a bad day of flashback and I am sure it will not be the last. It's sad to know you can't escape it not only on the men side, but there are women who just don't give a crap about anything, anyone, and would break a marriage just for the challege. I do want revenge at times but I would be repeating the same cycle. What would that really prove. I have been told that it would make all this resentment go away. Somehow I doubt. I also paid an investigator and got ripped off out of desperation.

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Thank you, however when he insists he hasn't done anything how do you work with that.

Then you find out if he has indeed done something. Right now it seems more like you are afraid he has - and you are acting as if your suspicions are fact. Maybe they aren't. Find out for sure, by whatever means you need to use.

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