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Caught out


Oceanblue47

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Oceanblue47

I have been together with my wife (de facto) for nearly 30 years have two teenage children and never considered this would happen to me.

I started having suspicions middle of last year (the usual signs) lots of texts, late nights on the pc, being distant, new clothes, underwear etc and she started reading erotic novels (something she had never done b4)

However it was one morning we went out for breakfast and when she was opening her handbag her journal opened and I casually glanced at it and noted it was full of entries, later that afternoon curiosity got the better of me and an opportunity arose for me to have a closer look.

It was a detailed account of her Trysts with an old boyfriend (she had as a teenager), he had contacted her on gmail in the middle of last year and the flirting started from there, initially flirting then erotic messages and eventually arranged meeting (interstate) The other guy was also married?

The met at 5 star hotels, had sex all day then out for dinner etc.

When I read the detailed accounts of their lovemaking I was devastated, gutted, almost beyond belief, I then checked the pc history and confirmed my worst fears.

When I confronted her as to who is OM (other man) she said I do not know what you are talking about, I was calm and I asked again, and she then told me that she had been having an affair with him, her reaction was one of anger and resentment that I had found out, she said she still wanted to be friends with him as it was mentally stimulating (om is into the Arts) I told her that "You cannot inflict so much emotional pain on someone and expect to walk away scott free" later that day she sent him an email advising that I will find him and at least tell his wife, he jumped and told his wife then sent an email back advising that his wife was also devastated and that the affair is now over (he changed his email, phone number etc)

However what really got to me was her attitude toward me was one of anger, resentment of me finding out, (ruining her good times) absolutely no remorse, no regrets, no consideration for my feelings at all not to mention the lies and level of deception. she fell in love with this guy, it has now been 3 months since it ended she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me, I have two children to consider, I have not spoken to anyone about this, I am at a loss as what to do next, Soldier on and try to mend the situation or call it a day and separate, I will appreciate any feedback

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because there seems to be no remorse from her end - i would simply pack her bag and change the locks and tell her she's out. she caused it all by HER actions and inability to own her part in it... she is the one to live with the consequences of her actions.

 

IF she had shown remorse for your feelings and HER bad behavior and willingness to do ANYTHING to repair what she has torn apart - i would have typed a completely different answer.

 

since she seems to be cold hearted and self centered - let her go be that @itch of a person all by herself. keeping her there is only rewarding her bad behavior.

 

women like her give the good women in the world a bad name... :sick:

 

i'm sorry for your pain.

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bananalaffytaffy

I'm very very sorry.

Since she's shown no remorse, it's likely she will try to resume the affair underground, or start anew with another. You wife has some deep issues that you nor she can solve alone. She needs intense professional help, IMO.

How stupid of her to journal about her escapades! But it kind of makes sense, knowing she has no remorse about the affair. I'm sorry you had to find out about her transgressions this way, but I'm glad you found out. Obviously, she would have never confessed it on her own.

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Cinnamon2000
later that day she sent him an email advising that I will find him and at least tell his wife, he jumped and told his wife then sent an email back advising that his wife was also devastated and that the affair is now over (he changed his email, phone number etc)

 

The other man got away scott free!

 

He did not tell his wife. You took his words for it that he told his wife the whole truth, from a known liar and cheater? What happened is that he had his fun (with your wife), caused your pain, and got away without anything done to him. He did not tell his wife at all. Maybe he did some damage control, just in case you track him down, by telling his wife and he had been in touch with an old female friend, but her husband became insanely jealous, but he is going to cut all contact and warned her that she might get some crazy calls from this jealous husband suspecting things that never occured.

 

What you need to do is expose this guy to his wife by contacting the wife directly.

 

Next, you need to get yourself tested for STDs.

 

Then, you need to decide whether or not you want to stay with a remorseless cheater.

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As with the other posters - yes the key word to me: is no repentence.. And she has also said she is not in love with you. (I believe this is caused by the affair - or "the grass is greener").

 

The children are a big determining factor. If you cannot afford to live outside of the residence - I would at least establish your own room in the household.

 

Also, her words seem to speak that she is at least still emotionally attached to him. In the event that their relationship doesn't last - would you even want her back.. You can make the determination of all of this in the time to come..

 

I wish you the best. I know how hard it would be to at one moment - be with the most intimate person in your life - and then to face living otherwise because of adultry and lack of trust.

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Chrome Barracuda

....you do, what needs to be done kids or not. self preservation is a must.

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I would justs start the divorce proceedings. This is why many men would rather just look at porn then even attempt to have a relationship with a woman. Porn doesn't pull this kind of crap.

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Chrome Barracuda
I would justs start the divorce proceedings. This is why many men would rather just look at porn then even attempt to have a relationship with a woman. Porn doesn't pull this kind of crap.

 

LOL or buy a nice sports car, at least it's pretty to look at and it responds to your touch.

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LOL or buy a nice sports car, at least it's pretty to look at and it responds to your touch.

 

Yup. Every time I think I have gotten over my trust issues and think that maybe women are not so bad I see something like this.

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jnj express

Without the proper heavy remorse and contriteness, you are nowhere. How do you know for sure she is not still cheating----she lied to you the whole time she was in the A.----How do you know they haven't gone underground. Is she with you all the time---do you know her whereabouts all the time. Are you able to check all her electronic accts.

 

Poster that said OM got away scott free---is right. OM got tipped off, and the 2 of them your wife and OM, lied to you about other wife being told.

 

Your mge has been murdered--that is what an A. does to a mge. Murderers do not go unpunished. If you stay, and I don't know why you would considering you are now sloppy seconds, you give your wife strict boundaries, with deal breaker consequences, THAT YOU WILL ACT ON IF SHE VIOLATES YOUR RULES. NOT JUST WORDS ON YOUR PART, BUT ACTIONS.

 

Read posts of others, you will get the idea of what you need to put into effect. Remember you are dealing with a master of deceit, a manipulator, she came home night after night looked you right in the eyes, and told you everything was fine. She knows how to cheat to gain her ends, and don't be surprised if she continues.

 

If she wanted to R. this mge., she would show heavy, heavy remorse---all she has shown, is anger at getting caught. What is her attitude about all of this????? Were there problems in the mge. WHY did she find a need to go to an old BF, after all these years???

 

Your kids are not a reason to stay in a mge., with someone who places you 2nd, and I think that is where you are right now.

 

Does she work or is she a SAHM----right now you need to put all the bk. accts. in your name, cut off all her credit cards, and you need to control the finances----she is spending the assets of your family on her scumbag BF. You do not do any lovey--dovey with her, and you play an extremely hard 180 with her. See where it all leads, but at this point she has definetely got you in 2nd place. Had you not discovered her escapades, you would have never known, and she was certainly never gonna tell you.

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LucreziaBorgia

Honestly, affairs don't end that easily. It is unfortunate that you took their word for it that it was over. If he changed his email and phone number, it was very likely he did so, so that you wouldn't be able to contact his wife.

 

I would not consider this over until you have spoken directly with his wife to confirm and shared what you have with her, and even then I'd be cautious. I've seen plenty of 'multiple Dday' affairs that still go as strong as they can get away with.

 

Full blown affairs have to be forcibly ended. That means as much exposure as possible, so that there is nowhere to hide anymore, and the spouses are forced to make their choice. Most choose to stay, and it takes a lot of recovery time to get over the WS's anger and resentment, and the BS's hurt and pain.

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bentnotbroken
Yup. Every time I think I have gotten over my trust issues and think that maybe women are not so bad I see something like this.

 

 

Remember this isn't your lovely wife and this is one woman in this situation. I still have faith in men even though I see plenty of women on here cheating with them. Are you a cheat? NO. Is Chrome? NO and so many others. That means there are still good men out there who will do the right thing no matter what.

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bentnotbroken
Honestly, affairs don't end that easily. It is unfortunate that you took their word for it that it was over. If he changed his email and phone number, it was very likely he did so, so that you wouldn't be able to contact his wife.

 

I would not consider this over until you have spoken directly with his wife to confirm and shared what you have with her, and even then I'd be cautious. I've seen plenty of 'multiple Dday' affairs that still go as strong as they can get away with.

 

Full blown affairs have to be forcibly ended. That means as much exposure as possible, so that there is nowhere to hide anymore, and the spouses are forced to make their choice. Most choose to stay, and it takes a lot of recovery time to get over the WS's anger and resentment, and the BS's hurt and pain.

 

 

This is so true. I think they are still at it. I would let his wife know no matter what.

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Remember this isn't your lovely wife and this is one woman in this situation. I still have faith in men even though I see plenty of women on here cheating with them. Are you a cheat? NO. Is Chrome? NO and so many others. That means there are still good men out there who will do the right thing no matter what.

 

Yeah you are right but when I read stuff like this I go cold towards the opposite sex though it tends not to last very long like it used to.

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However what really got to me was her attitude toward me was one of anger, resentment of me finding out, (ruining her good times) absolutely no remorse, no regrets, no consideration for my feelings at all not to mention the lies and level of deception. she fell in love with this guy, it has now been 3 months since it ended she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me, I have two children to consider, I have not spoken to anyone about this, I am at a loss as what to do next, Soldier on and try to mend the situation or call it a day and separate

 

In my opinion, it's time for her to leave the house. She brought this on... is not in love with you... has no remorse... etc. etc. etc. For you to soldier on and try to mend the situation by yourself will only give you short-term satisfaction. It will tell her she can do it again with someone else without any major repercussion.

 

It's time to kick her out, file for divorce and start making plans for your new life. She will have a chance to make amends and change her ways before the divorce is final. If she doesn't change, let the divorce happen and move on with your life.

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bentnotbroken
Yeah you are right but when I read stuff like this I go cold towards the opposite sex though it tends not to last very long like it used to.

 

 

Good for you :).

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Indypendence

All I can offer is my sympathy at this point. I know you are hurting. Just think of your own mental health and well-being first.

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