on turning an affair into a lasting relationship?

[char]

i don't need to be told how bad i am.

 

i am married. i have been having an affair with a married woman for 9 months, though we have known each other for 5 years. i have been married 7 years, no kids. she has been married 10 years, with 2 kids.

 

do affairs ever work out? is there anyone that can give us advice? the whole internet just tells me i'm a horrible person. i need advice. i want to know stories where an affair has actually turned into a good relationship. i need advice on how to build a relationship together after we leave our spouses.

 

we know what we are doing is wrong. we feel horrible about what we are doing to our spouses though we often talk about building a life together. we do love each other, i know i do, and i believe her when she says she does too. we communicate with each other better than we ever have with anybody else. i know so much more about her, and she knows so much more about me, than my wife and i did when we got married, maybe even more than we know about each other now.

 

we talk to each other so much: we know each other's faults, and cracks and bad sides; we've had disagreements, even sobbing arguments, much due to the pressure; so it's not all roses - we know how difficult it is. yet we've also seen the loveliness in each other, the strengths and joys. we've shared so much, albeit in secret and absolutely love each other's company. our interests coincide and complement; the respect we have for each other's work is unlike anything i've known before.

 

but we hesitate to leave our spouses - partly because of the pain this will cause them, but largely because of the unknown: how do you know that you can spend months or years with someone, if you have only had a long weekend at the most at any one time? we live in different cities and even though we talk every day, sometimes for hours, we just don't know what it will be like to live together - does the risk justify hurting our spouses as much as we will or compromising marriages that could perhaps one day somehow be fixed? would it justify it, if our relationship collapsed after 1 month together? or 1 year? is the effect divorce will have on her kids justified by us being with the ones we love?

 

we feel so strongly, yet we hesitate... do affairs ever work out? can they turn into beautiful strong relationships? what do we need to be aware of, how can we build new relationship together? we've seen each other's worst, we've seen each other deceive, so we're not blind to it - yet we love each other deeply, emotionally, physically, intellectually. is that enough? or are affairs started in marriages always doomed? does anyone have any good advice?

 

please, i don't need to know what a bad person i am for what i'm doing - i tell myself that every hour every day, every time i look at my wife. i know that my marriage has problems, that my wife is a good good person, and that perhaps i should be putting all my energy into fixing it. but when you've met someone who you think is the love of your life, and when you've found she feels the same too, does being married already mean that it's doomed from the start anyway?

[califnan]

Well you've come to right place .. You are going to get lot's of advice.. And you should read the other stories on here as well.

 

Personally, I think a marriage built on adultry against your wife, marriage, family - will not be blessed. That is just my opinion.

 

Right now, you seem to have everything: Your family and your AP. I think there is a big possibility that should you divorce, you would always have reminders of your wife - while married to another .. And hard as it may seem, the end result of working on your marriage - may well be worth it ..

 

As discussed on here before - LS members seem to be of the consensus that the spouses have a right to know, so that they can decide for their lives as well ..

[Samantha0905]

From my own experience , and each situation is different -- so I qualify this advice with the fact I realize that fact -- right now you really are living a fantasy world as far as your AP is concerned. More importantly, you are being unfaithful to your wife. And I'm not saying this from the perspective of calling you out as "bad." Been there, done that as far as having an affair is concerned ........

 

Where you are is not a good place to be and it's not a place from which you can make sound decisions. I do know this for a fact. The physical parts are mind blowing and even the perceived intimacy seems to be something other worldly. It isn't reality. Real life is never as mind blowing as the excitement involved in an affair. Not long term anyway. I'm not suggesting real life long term marriage/partnerships can't be very happy -- it's just not as mind blowing in the sex and perceived intimacy department when compared to the anticipation and culmination of a clandestine meeting..

 

My vote is go back to your wife and work on your marriage or go to your wife and tell her you don't want to be married anymore. I'm not 100% sold on the idea of confessing the affair to your wife if you are going to leave her anyway -- but, that's up to you -- and you will certainly hear varied opinions here. It may not even be the best thing to do if you choose to stay with your wife. Telling or not is a serious consideration.

 

In any event, for right now -- I suggest not seeing your affair partner. I don't mean to imply you should be disrespectful, but you can respectfully tell her you need to sort out your own affairs before you can move forward in a relationship with her (or not) and suggest she sort out her own marriage -- decide to stay or not. Maybe you should each get MC with your respective spouses and maintain NC during? It's the only way to sort out what you really should do in respect to your marriages.

 

I don't mean to be dismal, but a long term relationship between you and your AP really is a lost cause in this case -- I think. (I can never be sure of course.) She has two children -- you're both married to real and feeling people -- children are involved -- certainly don't underestimate the superhero power of that pull on her (and rightfully so) -- soooo many obstacles to your relationship together.

 

My guess is by the time you hurt your wife beyond understanding, then she hurts her husband beyond understanding, both her children end up heartbroken and if she's a good mother, that will break her heart beyond anything I can describe, etc. -- your fantasy will turn into a big giant nightmare from Hell itself.

 

Of course, as I've said -- I have no way of knowing that for a fact. My sister met her husband (of 26 years now) when he and his wife were separated. She had moved him out. He started dating my sister who was single. His wife then wanted him to move back in and he did, much to my sister's dismay. Then they split again. Then my sister and he started dating again. Then he freaked because he was freshly getting divorced and didn't want to commit again that soon. Then he moved to another country for a few months and my sister started dating again. Then he asked her to marry him. Whew!! Sounds like fun times, doesn't it?

 

After that, they had the joy of his three daughters absolutely hating my sister all through their teenage years. They're closer to her now -- but my point is -- it's A LOT to endure -- goes on for years.

 

But -- I'm sure -- sometimes relationships started as affairs do make it long term. I think the odds are mostly against it.

 

And I don't think many things justify an affair. You have to accept what you are doing is not justified. It doesn't sound like your wife is treating you poorly. Of course, if you're not in love -- you're not in love. The difficult decision in that case is to leave your spouse and you should do it on your own without having someone waiting in the wings. Easy for me to say when talking about your situation.

 

Nine months is not that long a time period as far as your AP is concerned. Plus, you haven't seen each other's worst. Yes, you've both watched each other deceive, but you've done that in cahoots. I think the "worst" a spouse can see another spouse do is more than likely something not done in collaboration.

 

Anyway -- just my humble opinion -- no judgment or hostility here.

Edited April 28, 2010 by Samantha0905

[Green]

You know the answer to the question... no it's never going to work out

[Fallen Angel]

You need to talk to a poster who uses the name OWoman. She and her husband were affair partners and are now happily married.

 

Most people here will not give you the answers you are seeking, but will instead condemn your relationship, be prepared, and welcome to LS. Also, come and visit the OW/Om board. Many of the same posters there, but more people who are where you are emotionally. (In love with their AP and comitted to a long term relationship with them.)

[Green]

You need to talk to a poster who uses the name OWoman. She and her husband were affair partners and are now happily married.

 

Most people here will not give you the answers you are seeking, but will instead condemn your relationship, be prepared, and welcome to LS. Also, come and visit the OW/Om board. Many of the same posters there, but more people who are where you are emotionally. (In love with their AP and comitted to a long term relationship with them.)

 

Thats one person whose story will change

[jwi71]

i don't need to be told how bad i am.

 

Poor way to start the thread. It sets the tone. One of "If I don't like what I hear I'm going to take my ball and go home".

You WILL hear it. Deal with it or stop posting on the internet. Seriously, that's annoying to me personally.

 

i am married. i have been having an affair with a married woman for 9 months, though we have known each other for 5 years. i have been married 7 years, no kids. she has been married 10 years, with 2 kids.

ok.

 

do affairs ever work out?

Yes, some do. Rarely though. Most fail miserably and leave shattered lives in their wake.

 

is there anyone that can give us advice?

You and your MOW (married other woman) both file for D and begin an open relationship with each other. Its that simple. Houses, finances, support, custody are things you are going to both have to deal with EVENTUALLY anyways (because chances are you get caught)...might as well do it on YOUR terms.

the whole internet just tells me i'm a horrible person

They say this because you have destroyed so many innocent lives. You have NO idea of the people you have affected...everyone from your boss (yes) to your grandma. Everyone. Affairs have NO redeeming qualities. I suspect you have heard that before, but perhaps more sharply put.

 

. i need advice. i want to know stories where an affair has actually turned into a good relationship. i need advice on how to build a relationship together after we leave our spouses.

Well. Its not an easy road. First, you have the divorces themselves. This in itself is a traumatic process. Yes, even for you. You don't know it yet because its still a fantasy to you. Next you have the impact of divorce (hereafter referred to as D) on the children. Depending upon their ages, it may take some time and therapy to help them adjust to their new lives. Then you have to integrate yourself into her life and that of her children. And don't forget to get your story straight when your mother asks how and when you two met. Then, presuming you have have each both separately and jointly healed from your D's, her kids are "ok" with their new lives, you have begun and established an open R (relationship) and lied to everyone about how you met...you gotta chance. And, I'll tell you now, trust will be a huge FACTOR. After all, you each know what the other is capable of.

 

That is the short version of everything goes right. It won't of course.

 

we know what we are doing is wrong. we feel horrible about what we are doing to our spouses though we often talk about building a life together. we do love each other, i know i do, and i believe her when she says she does too. we communicate with each other better than we ever have with anybody else. i know so much more about her, and she knows so much more about me, than my wife and i did when we got married, maybe even more than we know about each other now.

Again, your FIRST STEP is to file for D now. If you truly want the MOW in your life, nothing says commitment to her and that dream than YOU filing for D tomorrow. It's really that simple.

 

we talk to each other so much: we know each other's faults, and cracks and bad sides; we've had disagreements, even sobbing arguments, much due to the pressure; so it's not all roses - we know how difficult it is. yet we've also seen the loveliness in each other, the strengths and joys. we've shared so much, albeit in secret and absolutely love each other's company. our interests coincide and complement; the respect we have for each other's work is unlike anything i've known before.

Great. Sounds like a good match then. Like I said above, hire a lawyer and file for D. Of course, lie to your W and everyone about the A. Say its irreconcilable differences or you aren't happy any more. Basically, you need to categorically end your M in such a way your W can move on and find a loving man for herself.

 

but we hesitate to leave our spouses - partly because of the pain this will cause them, but largely because of the unknown: how do you know that you can spend months or years with someone, if you have only had a long weekend at the most at any one time?

Uh-oh. What happened to all of the above? The great communication? The love? The closeness? Now you are telling me you won't leave unless its a sure thing? Guess what? No sure things in life. Ever.

 

I think you NEED to end your A now. There is no advice, no answer for what you ask. You either shyt or get off the pot ok? Because sitting around doing NOTHING achieves exactly that. Nothing. Correction, nothing good. The longer the A goes, the more likely you get caught. And I know you don't want that. So you ACT and you do it now.

 

Will your R with the MOW work out? Won't know until you jump. Remember when you first got married to your wife? You had no clue you'd end up here. Yet here you are. Same for the MOW...maybe it will, maybe it won't. But I can promise an A NEVER works (you WILL get caught). So...which woman will you dump? You MUST choose.

 

Personally, given all you have said, I'd file for D and tell the MOW you can be with her forever. In fact...why don't you. Go on and tell her you filed and moved into a small 1 bedroom apartment and are waiting for HER to do the same. I'm sure she'll be ecstatic.

 

we live in different cities and even though we talk every day, sometimes for hours, we just don't know what it will be like to live together - does the risk justify hurting our spouses as much as we will or compromising marriages that could perhaps one day somehow be fixed?

You can't fix your M while having an A. In fact, the only way for your M to TRULY recover is for you to ADMIT the A and NEVER see or hear from the MOW again. EVER. That's what it takes.

 

Your choice. You will choose and or it will be chosen. Up to you.

 

would it justify it, if our relationship collapsed after 1 month together? or 1 year? is the effect divorce will have on her kids justified by us being with the ones we love?

Pointless question. You have already answered it by having the A to begin with - it was and is clearly worth it to you.

 

we feel so strongly, yet we hesitate... do affairs ever work out?

Yes. By proving with ACTIONS that you mean what you say. By proving with verifiable ACTIONS that you love and want her.

 

can they turn into beautiful strong relationships? what do we need to be aware of, how can we build new relationship together? we've seen each other's worst, we've seen each other deceive, so we're not blind to it - yet we love each other deeply, emotionally, physically, intellectually. is that enough? or are affairs started in marriages always doomed? does anyone have any good advice?

Read the above. Once you two learn to trust one another (And after all the D's and therapy and all)...its like any normal R. The problem is when one or both hesitates. By the way, this hesitation phase is when most get busted as one spouse or the other picks up the mood shift and starts digging...

 

please, i don't need to know what a bad person i am for what i'm doing - i tell myself that every hour every day, every time i look at my wife. i know that my marriage has problems, that my wife is a good good person, and that perhaps i should be putting all my energy into fixing it. but when you've met someone who you think is the love of your life, and when you've found she feels the same too, does being married already mean that it's doomed from the start anyway?

If th eMOW is the love of your life...you're gonna have to step up. Prove it to her. She has all these thoughts you do. Time to man up, file for D and start this new life with her.

 

Or end it with her forever and focus on your M...which means admitting the A and trying to heal.

 

Either way...you will lose one. I said affairs are devastating - you just don't know it yet. Oh you know in the intellectual sense...not in the I have been to hell and back sense.

 

You will though.

 

So...which path will you take?

[Fallen Angel]

Thats one person whose story will change

 

So people have been saying, but she seems quite the happy one.

 

Doom sayers be damned!!

[Green]

So people have been saying, but she seems quite the happy one.

 

Doom sayers be damned!!

 

I could go around telling every one its going to work out... thats not what I think. When the 18 year old comes here wondering if things will work out with her 36 year old bf I'd be more likely to think things could work out for them then this situation

[Cinnamon2000]

i don't need to be told how bad i am.

 

i am married. i have been having an affair with a married woman for 9 months, though we have known each other for 5 years. i have been married 7 years, no kids. she has been married 10 years, with 2 kids.

 

do affairs ever work out? is there anyone that can give us advice? the whole internet just tells me i'm a horrible person. i need advice. i want to know stories where an affair has actually turned into a good relationship. i need advice on how to build a relationship together after we leave our spouses.

 

we know what we are doing is wrong. we feel horrible about what we are doing to our spouses though we often talk about building a life together. we do love each other, i know i do, and i believe her when she says she does too. we communicate with each other better than we ever have with anybody else. i know so much more about her, and she knows so much more about me, than my wife and i did when we got married, maybe even more than we know about each other now.

 

we talk to each other so much: we know each other's faults, and cracks and bad sides; we've had disagreements, even sobbing arguments, much due to the pressure; so it's not all roses - we know how difficult it is. yet we've also seen the loveliness in each other, the strengths and joys. we've shared so much, albeit in secret and absolutely love each other's company. our interests coincide and complement; the respect we have for each other's work is unlike anything i've known before.

 

but we hesitate to leave our spouses - partly because of the pain this will cause them, but largely because of the unknown: how do you know that you can spend months or years with someone, if you have only had a long weekend at the most at any one time? we live in different cities and even though we talk every day, sometimes for hours, we just don't know what it will be like to live together - does the risk justify hurting our spouses as much as we will or compromising marriages that could perhaps one day somehow be fixed? would it justify it, if our relationship collapsed after 1 month together? or 1 year? is the effect divorce will have on her kids justified by us being with the ones we love?

 

we feel so strongly, yet we hesitate... do affairs ever work out? can they turn into beautiful strong relationships? what do we need to be aware of, how can we build new relationship together? we've seen each other's worst, we've seen each other deceive, so we're not blind to it - yet we love each other deeply, emotionally, physically, intellectually. is that enough? or are affairs started in marriages always doomed? does anyone have any good advice?

 

please, i don't need to know what a bad person i am for what i'm doing - i tell myself that every hour every day, every time i look at my wife. i know that my marriage has problems, that my wife is a good good person, and that perhaps i should be putting all my energy into fixing it. but when you've met someone who you think is the love of your life, and when you've found she feels the same too, does being married already mean that it's doomed from the start anyway?

 

 

Here is the stats:

 

3% of affairs turning into marriage last more than 5 years. And those that lasts more than 5 years, who knows if they live with guilt for the rest of that marriage or whether they are happy at all. Maybe they're just stuck.

 

Virtually all those adulterers entering into this affairage thought they were soulmates. Go figure.

[Fallen Angel]

I could go around telling every one its going to work out... thats not what I think. When the 18 year old comes here wondering if things will work out with her 36 year old bf I'd be more likely to think things could work out for them then this situation

 

LMAO.. not all relationships that start as affairs are doomed, dear. My mother was OW to a MM for many years. Once his children were grown, he got divorced, married my mother and they have been happily married for over 20 years. HAPPILY MARRIED. Seriously, the most content couple I have EVER known.

 

You do not know what the outcome of the OPs relationship will be anymore than he does. He is here asking if it could work. The answer is yes, it can, if he is willing to put in the hard work. Just like any other relationship needs hard work, this one just requires a little more commitment to that hard work, and backbone. *shrug*

[Green]

LMAO.. not all relationships that start as affairs are doomed, dear. My mother was OW to a MM for many years. Once his children were grown, he got divorced, married my mother and they have been happily married for over 20 years. HAPPILY MARRIED. Seriously, the most content couple I have EVER known.

 

You do not know what the outcome of the OPs relationship will be anymore than he does. He is here asking if it could work. The answer is yes, it can, if he is willing to put in the hard work. Just like any other relationship needs hard work, this one just requires a little more commitment to that hard work, and backbone. *shrug*

 

well if this man who is now married to your mother still cheats its all a lie.

[Samantha0905]

I could go around telling every one its going to work out... thats not what I think. When the 18 year old comes here wondering if things will work out with her 36 year old bf I'd be more likely to think things could work out for them then this situation

 

There IS a reality to situations and some are much tougher than others. You posted your first post on this thread right when I was editing my original post to include they live in different cities -- and I assume jobs for both or at least one in each respective city in this situation.

 

So many obstacles.....

 

I think jwi71 laid out the reality for the most part.

 

It seems insurmountable.

 

I suppose it can be done at times, at a huge cost in most cases.

 

People have to sort themselves out -- since he put it out there, I hope every opinion helps him somewhat.

[Fallen Angel]

well if this man who is now married to your mother still cheats its all a lie.

 

Well, then I guess it is a blessing that he does not "still cheat", he cheated on his former wife, with my mother, who he loves, respects and adores. He does not cheat on her, they are the best of friends, and have the most wonderful loving relationship.

 

When he cheated on his first wife, he was seeking what he felt was missing from his life, his hearts companion, he found that when he met my mother, no reason for him to keep looking. LOL.. seriously, I told you they have a happy marriage, why would you spout some nonsense like "if he still cheats it is a lie", where did that come from? seriously!!

[Green]

There IS a reality to situations and some are much tougher than others. You posted your first post on this thread right when I was editing my original post to include they live in different cities -- and I assume jobs for both or at least one in each respective city in this situation.

 

So many obstacles.....

 

I think jwi71 laid out the reality for the most part.

 

It seems insurmountable.

 

I suppose it can be done at times, at a huge cost in most cases.

 

People have to sort themselves out -- since he put it out there, I hope every opinion helps him somewhat.

 

thats a way of putting it

[bananalaffytaffy]

Here is the stats:

 

3% of affairs turning into marriage last more than 5 years. And those that lasts more than 5 years, who knows if they live with guilt for the rest of that marriage or whether they are happy at all. Maybe they're just stuck.

 

Virtually all those adulterers entering into this affairage thought they were soulmates. Go figure.

The statistic I read was that it is 3% if one AP was married, and one single. When both AP's are married, the statistic goes down to less than 1%. I have no idea what the statistic changes to if the M female partner has children, as they are typically less likely to leave unless their M is abusive or their A is discovered and the BH leaves.

 

Had you not met your AP, would you be considering D, or would you stay in your marriage? How about her? I think if you are just leaving for each other, you're doomed. Most people get D because their M is broken beyond repair. Not because someone else is waiting in the wings.

 

Good luck.

Edited April 28, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[beyondsad]

How will you ever trust her if she cheats on her H. It seems the cheaters and OW on this board like to justify lying and cheating. Cheating is a character flaw nothing else. It is who you are and what kind of person you are.

 

Everyone at one time or another has that choice to make in their marraige. I can say that I would never lie and cheat- If I did not want to be with my H or wanted to F someone else I sure as hell would not do it behind his back and especially would not disgrace my children. get a divorce - be a man Char!

[stillafool]

It always amazes me that people have the "courage" to risk it all by having an affair and then become "scared" to do the right thing - leave.

 

If you and your OW have so much in common and leave your spouses I would imagine you would do everything in your power to make it work.

[bentnotbroken]

There are a few people on here that things have worked out for. But there circumstances were not ones of secrecy and holding on to the marriage. Their partners wanted out and left. What the two of you are doing isn't even close. Why not tell your BS so they can find good people to be with.. You can't possibly know what it is to live with this person until you actually do. It's the same with all relationships, you only think you know. Yes, you are wrong, but as you said you know that.

[GaLwAyGiRL]

I'm not going to bash you...the guilt you are feeling all on your own is probably enough. I would suggest getting a D...going NC for the whole process of your D when things are done and the dust has settled then decide if you want to be with your AP. I think you sound very confused and you really shouldn't make any life changing decisions while still in an affair fog. Good luck.

[4321sn]

I have been seeing my therapist who deals quite often with patients involved in extra marital affairs. She tells me that the success rate of relationships born from an affair is not great but it works out much more often than people think...she has seen several affairs turn into lasting marriages. The statistics are not completly accurate because many people will not admit to cheating.

 

She says often the affair is never disclosed or discovered and the married person/people divorce. People just dont often admit it. She said when you see a couple who is married shortly after a divorce is finalized many times the relationship began while the partners were still married...

 

My Aunt met her husband when they were both married...they were both able to keep it hidden...They have been married for 30 years. So it can happen...

[Brokenlady]

char -

I was the OW for over 4 years. He left his Wife and they got divorced. I can tell you right now that you have 2 major things working against you - 1) your uncertainty if your marriages can fixed (and if an attempt ought to be made) and 2) your reluctance to leave your marriages without some sort of guarantee that your A relationship will work. If your marriages were truly over, you'd be leaving them regardless of the affair partner. If you leave your marriages prematurely (without real closure and emotional done-ness), you will ruin what you cherish about your relationship with your OW, I promise. Without that closure, you're both going to flip-flop. And that flip-flopping is poisonous to your relationship. It is bad enough when only one of you is getting divorced trying to support the other - what you propose just isn't going to work. You both have to finish the business of your marriages, THEN start over. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I've tried to alternative. And it almost killed me, literally.

[MizFit]

Don't mean to disappoint you but people who go on internet boards and try an justify their lifestyle are not usually happy. If she was so happy she wouldn't have spent years on LS trying to convince everyone that her lifestyle is all good.

 

Happy people don't preach about why they their decisions were good ones

 

So...all of the BS who have chosen to reconcile and put their lives back together aren't happy? They're in here doing just what you said. You can't talk about good and bad decisions because what is good for you may be bad for me and vice versa.

 

You are very narrow minded on this...

[califnan]

So...all of the BS who have chosen to reconcile and put their lives back together aren't happy? They're in here doing just what you said. You can't talk about good and bad decisions because what is good for you may be bad for me and vice versa.

 

You are very narrow minded on this...

 

-----------------------

 

A betrayed spouse (victim), who is trying to put their marriage back together - I would think is doing so because of the love for their spouse, family, marriage - and in obedience to God ...Their reasons on here could also be that of ministering to and helping others.

[MizFit]

-----------------------

 

A betrayed spouse (victim), who is trying to put their marriage back together - I would think is doing so because of the love for their spouse, family, marriage - and in obedience to God ...Their reasons on here could also be that of ministering to and helping others.

 

I understand that califnan, but many are on the forums and as fervent and vocal on their stance and their happiness as OWoman and Fallen Angel and a few other OW...my point is you can't dismiss their declarations of happiness any more than you can dismiss those of a BS.

 

Basically the poster I originally quoted was saying that anyone who comes on here and says they're happy can't be...my point is that you can't specifically say that's true of other women only...BS come on here and declare their happiness when they've reconciled. No one has the right to minimize someone elses happiness that way because they don't agree with the situation or how it's come about.