To expose or not to expose?

[someotherguy]

I'm trying to not be judgmental, but my current girlfriend has gradually revealed to me that she had a long affair during her marriage.

 

However, the only people that know about it are me, her sister, and the guy she had the affair with.

 

This doesn't sit well with me, because it makes me think she hasn't really dealt with the affair, that she is keeping it a secret out of shame, or not wanting to face what she did.

 

She gets pretty defensive whenever I bring it up, and deflects and skirts the issue.

 

I've never known anyone who had an affair, so this is uncharted territory for me.

 

My gut says she's not "over" the affair, and probably has deep feelings for the guy still, and it's probably not wise for me to get into a deeper relationship with her at this time.

 

What do y'all think?

[Spark1111]

Hmmm...well SOG, I think those who don't examine their past are very often doomed to repeat it, IMHO.

 

Affairs don't just happen. A million baby steps are taken to cross that line into infidelity.

 

If nothing else, if I were her SO, I would want her to understand the WHY of what she did. Was it some unmet need tof her's? How did he make her feel?

 

Often, those questions cannot be answered without some individual counseling and a harsh look at oneself.

 

Hope you can get her to go.

 

If she justifies the affair with statements like, "I know it was wrong, BUT...." and justifies it, well then in my opinion, that would be a huge risk for me to stay in a committed relationship with her.

 

Because as soon as the going gets tough, the weak get going...to another affair, perhaps.

 

You are smart to be concerned.

[Owl]

What's your point in exposing? What benefit does it add to the situation?

 

I assume she's no longer married...so telling her H at this point isn't going to do anything to help him.

 

Telling anyone else wouldn't change anything.

 

You're aware...so you're able to make an informed decision as to whether or not you want to continue a relationship with her in light of her past.

 

I'd say just focus on answering that last question...it's the most pressing one in your situation at this point.

[someotherguy]

Sorry about the confusing title, I don't intend to do any exposure.

 

The context for the title was in regards to whether she should have exposed the affair when she ended it, and whether her failure to expose may be an indication that she hasn't resolved her feelings about the other man.

 

And frankly, I don't want to be in the business of fixing someone I'm in a relationship with.

[OFGnomore]

Sounds like your a smart guy, not wanting to fix someone. Do you believe she needs fixing?

[someotherguy]

As this situation continues to evolve, I'm getting more and more worried that this is something that is going to require some therapy, and for lack of a better term, "fixing". So, yes.

 

The couple of times she has even been willing to talk about it, she has indeed tried to justify it, and shift blame to her ex. She "had to do it" to get her needs met. I have a very difficult time understanding it.

[Owl]

OK...if you're looking for some 'advice' on dealing with her...

 

I'd agree you've got a lot to be concerned about, especially if she can't clearly say what was lacking in her situation that led to her cheating.

 

That suggests that what was lacking was something inside of HER, not absolutely something lacking in her relationship with her ex.

 

And if she's not identified what that was, and taken steps to address it...then yes, the odds are good that your relationship will suffer the same fate as her last.

 

Should she have admitted the truth to her H? Yes, of course she should have.

 

Should the fact that she never admitted it to her H concern you...absolutely it should. It shows you that she can/will cheat and lie about it...not traits you want to find in a perspective mate.

 

That's my thoughts on the subject at least.

[mryzenga]

I'd get out while you can, especially if you're not married and don't have kids. There are too many fish in the sea to have to deal with that mess.

[MizzBlue72]

Everyone has a PAST. The real question you should ask yourself - can you deal with hers?

Do you know the state of mind she was in?

Do you know how her marriage was?

Please don't judge her so harshly. Maybe she WANTS to change, and prove that she is NOT that woman anymore.

If you think it's not over - talk to her.

Keep the communication over.

And don't 'out' her - unless you think it will help HER situation.

Dude - this is HER story to tell. No - she did NOT cheat in you.

If you have moral problems with her past - let her go. Do yourself and her a big favor, and meet other people who can make you BOTH happy.

I just don't believe in trying people on past actions - especially when you were not there.

If you love her, you can see past this. If not - move on.

Good luck - keep us updated.

[Woggle]

The smarter idea would be to just dump her on move on. If she betrayed one man she will betray you.

[lkjh]

Everyone has a PAST. The real question you should ask yourself - can you deal with hers?

Do you know the state of mind she was in?

Do you know how her marriage was?

Please don't judge her so harshly. Maybe she WANTS to change, and prove that she is NOT that woman anymore.

If you think it's not over - talk to her.

Keep the communication over.

And don't 'out' her - unless you think it will help HER situation.

Dude - this is HER story to tell. No - she did NOT cheat in you.

If you have moral problems with her past - let her go. Do yourself and her a big favor, and meet other people who can make you BOTH happy.

I just don't believe in trying people on past actions - especially when you were not there.

If you love her, you can see past this. If not - move on.

Good luck - keep us updated.

 

Spoken like someone who has cheated in the past. Everyone will have issues in their marriage at one time or another and there are 100's if not 1000's of ways of dealing with those problems but cheating is not one of them. If someone cheats its because they have a character flaw, not because of their marriage state.

 

 

OP, the fact that she justifies her cheating with "not having her needs met" means one thing and one thing only.....if she isn't happy its ok for her to cheat. At least in her mind. Good luck but I don't think you can "fix" a grown person. People are who they are

[IronMaiden]

If a person does not accept responsibility for her own actions that led to a long affair, but instead blames the ex, it reveals a very disturbing pattern that you can be sure will rear its ugly head again.

 

Only the next time, it will be: she 'needed' to do something because of YOU...

 

Nobody 'has to have an affair'. They WANT to...

[someotherguy]

I just wanted to post an update.

 

I broke up with her last night after another extended discussion wherein she refused to take responsibility for her actions.

 

In the end I told her I need time to decide whether this is a deal breaker for me, and I can't do it while we're still a couple, and she needs a therapist to understand her motivations so she won't repeat her behavior in the future.

 

She called her mom to talk about the breakup and ended up telling her parents about her affair, and now her whole family is telling her to see a therapist because they agree with my assessment.

 

So, technically, we're taking a break, and she's going to work on getting her head together and I'm going to see if I want to try again in a couple months.

[RainDown]

I just wanted to post an update.

 

I broke up with her last night after another extended discussion wherein she refused to take responsibility for her actions.

 

In the end I told her I need time to decide whether this is a deal breaker for me, and I can't do it while we're still a couple, and she needs a therapist to understand her motivations so she won't repeat her behavior in the future.

 

She called her mom to talk about the breakup and ended up telling her parents about her affair, and now her whole family is telling her to see a therapist because they agree with my assessment.

 

So, technically, we're taking a break, and she's going to work on getting her head together and I'm going to see if I want to try again in a couple months.

 

I think this is probably for the best. Until people stop and really look at the behaviors and patterns in their lives and take responsibility for their own actions, they are apt to continue to blame others for their own mistakes. It sounds like that is what she is doing. She went down the wrong path and instead of honestly acknowledging that, she blames her husband. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of her mindset until she has turned that around and learned to accept total responsibility for her own decisions.

 

You were smart to back away from this one.

[Samantha0905]

Everyone has a PAST. The real question you should ask yourself - can you deal with hers?

Do you know the state of mind she was in?

Do you know how her marriage was?

Please don't judge her so harshly. Maybe she WANTS to change, and prove that she is NOT that woman anymore.

If you think it's not over - talk to her.

Keep the communication over.

And don't 'out' her - unless you think it will help HER situation.

Dude - this is HER story to tell. No - she did NOT cheat in you.

If you have moral problems with her past - let her go. Do yourself and her a big favor, and meet other people who can make you BOTH happy.

I just don't believe in trying people on past actions - especially when you were not there.

If you love her, you can see past this. If not - move on.

Good luck - keep us updated.

 

I agree.

 

The smarter idea would be to just dump her on move on. If she betrayed one man she will betray you.

 

I don't think that is true at all Woggle.

 

To the OP -- you have to do what you need to do and it sounds like YOU need to break up with her for you. She has given you her thoughts and reasons behind her affair. If they're not married anymore -- obviously she and her husband had some issues together.

 

She revealed her affair to you, so she was attempting to be honest. I don't think someone necessarily has to get IC to deal with having had an affair. It's certainly not your place to EXPECT her to do so. That's her choice.

 

Why do you think she still has deep feelings for her XAP? Has she said something to make you think that is the case? Do you think she still sees him?

 

I don't think someone should have their past held over their head. Maybe she does feel some shame for the affair. I'm sure most people do. It must have been very difficult for her to share that with you. She did though.

 

I understand if you feel like it's something you can't handle. I mean have you not made any mistakes in your past? Has she asked you for explicit details of every former relationship?

 

None of us are perfect. Perhaps she doesn't want to be or feel the need to be "fixed."

Edited April 24, 2010 by Samantha0905