Should I tell my friends husband?

[AirForceWifey]

Hi i'm new here so any advice is most welcome. A good friend of mine is cheating on her husband while he is on his fourth tour in Iraq. What makes it more bizarre is that she is cheating with other woman. Her being Bi is definetely news to me. The problem is that her husband is also my husbands good friend and coworker. She told me that they broke up before he left but apparently he didn't get that memo because he thinks they are still together. When I confronted her about this she says that she is doing this because he cheated on her in the past. Well I dont agree because 1) If she couldn't forgive him for cheating she should have left him, and 2) if its revenge wouldn't she want him to know about it and not try to keep it a secret? Either way i don't appreciate her putting me in the middle of this mess and am strongly considering telling my husband so we can decide together. I know he will want to tell her hubby ASAP but that will most likely cause a rift in my friendship and maybe even between my husband, his workplace, and his friendship. So I guess what i'm asking is should I tell and most likely end what i thought was a pretty good friendship, or keep quiet and tell her to stop telling me things I didn't need to know about in the first place? Also if I do tell, when is a good time? I don't want to cause more stress but should he be over there not knowing that his marriage is a lie? Please help. Thank You

[califnan]

I am always for telling the truth ... But in this case, her husband can't defend himself ... I would think that it would be extremely Frustrating to be over there (the Fourth tour) .. and to not be able to Do anything about the situation - but hurt, smolder, etc etc ..

Also, I am all for your backing away from her - she doesn't need to think that her behavior is justified or encouraged..

[just_some_guy]

Honestly, there are things that are none of my/your/our business. The issues in someone else's marriage are generally, not anyone else's business. Butt out.

 

However, you can clearly set a boundary with her that you will not cover for her, nor will you lie about it if asked. If she wishes to carry on in secret, then you need to be left out of it and beyond your earshot.

[on1wheel]

She is not your friend...not a real friend anyway. She lied to you @ least twice. & now has left U in the middle of a real mess since she knew ur husbands were friends.

What U should do is tell ur H ASAP, so he doesn't think ur hiding anything from him. Then U2 should decide when (not if) to tell her H about it. Let me ask U this "if the roles were reversed, wouldn't U want to know?"

Of course U would; we all would. Do the right thing ASAP.

[bentnotbroken]

I am all for telling the BS.....but....in this case he is in a dangerous place. His life (and others )depend on him thinking clearly and being focused on what's in front of him. Thank God for men and women like him who do a job that I couldn't do. Help add to his safety by not saying anything now, but when he returns give him all the info. Keep a journal and give it to him. She is a twit who doesn't deserve to be with anyone. Either forgive and do the right thing or divorce and move on. *Shesh* Is that so hard?

[linwood]

A good friend of mine is cheating on her husband while he is on his fourth tour in Iraq.

 

No wonder she`s cheating.

 

Tell him right now.

[sally4sara]

Normally, I'm all for being honest.

 

But he is over there and he can't do anything with the knowledge except stew, be upset and that can lead to him not keeping his mind on what it needs to be on. He isn't in Disneyland; if his head is distracted, he could end up dead.

So stay out of it - for now.

[Disintegration]

If I were in your position I would tell your H, he is your husband and you should be able to tell him things and know he will keep it confidential between the both of you. This is a pretty big deal, however if he does decide to tell have him wait until your friends husband gets back from Iraq.

 

It will just make the mission that much harder on him, and he will be out of focus after getting the news. Just wait until he has safely returned home. Definitely inform him but just wait until he is back.

[AirForceWifey]

Thank you I agree with what most of you are telling me. I know I should atleast tell my husband but he is over there too. I definetely don't want any tension between them while her H is still there. They have to work together.

Just_Some_Guy I understand what you are saying and usually I would agree. But she made it my business. She shouldn't have told me because I did not want to know and I didn't need to know.

[Lizzie60]

NOT your business... let them deal with their problems..

 

Tell her you don't want to hear anymore of her problems.. and if you can't take it.. distance yourself from her...

 

but mind your own business..

[AirForceWifey]

No wonder she`s cheating.

 

Tell him right now.

Are you being sarcastic? This is my H fourth tour as well and I have always been faithful. If I wanted to fool around I would leave him and do it while I'm single.

[AirForceWifey]

NOT your business... let them deal with their problems..

 

Tell her you don't want to hear anymore of her problems.. and if you can't take it.. distance yourself from her...

 

but mind your own business..

Normally I would agree but she is the one who put me in her business. I already told her I didn't want to hear anymore and I have distanced myself. So far I limit our interaction to play dates with our kids. I know this is the only time she will not bring up personal business like this.

[lkjh]

She brought you into this and you have an obligation to your H, when he gets back tell you H and let him decide with you what to do

[AirForceWifey]

"if the roles were reversed, wouldn't U want to know?"

 

I would certainly want to know. At the same time I know that if the roles were reversed he wouldn't tell me.

[carhill]

Are your H and her H on the same tour cycle and at the same location?

 

When are they scheduled to return stateside?

 

Being married, I'm sure you know no one outside your marriage really knows what goes on within it. That's instructive. For now, I'd keep my counsel and erect the IDWTK boundary with the female friend. If she mentions anything, tell her that directly. 'That's your personal marital business and I don't want to hear about it. Talk to your husband'. EOS

[AirForceWifey]

Are your H and her H on the same tour cycle and at the same location?

 

When are they scheduled to return stateside?

 

Being married, I'm sure you know no one outside your marriage really knows what goes on within it. That's instructive. For now, I'd keep my counsel and erect the IDWTK boundary with the female friend. If she mentions anything, tell her that directly. 'That's your personal marital business and I don't want to hear about it. Talk to your husband'. EOS

They are at the same location but not the same tour cycle. My H group is replacing her H so there is a few weeks of a transition period where they are both there at the same time. So while her H will return soon my H is there for another 6 months.

 

I agree I don't know all the details only what I see, she tells me, and I hear from my husband. At this point I am keeping my distance and letting her know to keep me out of it. With this couple it always seems like they have some sort of drama going on and they always want to put me and my husband in the middle. Methinks it's time for new friends.

[carhill]

Methinks it's time for new friends.

 

I think that's a healthy perspective. I know firsthand how tight military families are; a real support structure, but you have to do what's healthy for you and *your* family. H would inevitably get drawn into this, even if he didn't want to, and then the drama circles the drain hole. New friends without marital drama would be so much more peaceful and healthier all around. Some people exist for drama. Good on 'em. Room for everyone in the world. Please extend my thanks to your husband for his service. It's appreciated

[AirForceWifey]

Please extend my thanks to your husband for his service. It's appreciated

 

I will certainly do that. Thanks for your replies.

[seibert253]

NOT your business... let them deal with their problems..

 

Tell her you don't want to hear anymore of her problems.. and if you can't take it.. distance yourself from her...

 

but mind your own business..

 

Gotta disagree.

 

Once she brought you into the middle of it and since it may also effect your H, it has now also became your problem.

 

Since you're here asking for opinions I'll give you mine.

You know the right thing to do. It's pretty simple. Reverse the rolls. If you were in the same situation as her husband, would you want to know what was going on?

IMO I feel he has a right to know what his W is doing, so he can make an informed decision on what he needs to do.

If your H doesn't know, he should also. Your H should also stand by you in doing the right thing, and let the chips fall where they may.

[AirForceWifey]

Gotta disagree.

 

Once she brought you into the middle of it and since it may also effect your H, it has now also became your problem.

 

Since you're here asking for opinions I'll give you mine.

You know the right thing to do. It's pretty simple. Reverse the rolls. If you were in the same situation as her husband, would you want to know what was going on?

IMO I feel he has a right to know what his W is doing, so he can make an informed decision on what he needs to do.

If your H doesn't know, he should also. Your H should also stand by you in doing the right thing, and let the chips fall where they may.

I appreciate your input. I do feel she put me in her business and made it part my problem because of our H relationship. I would want to know if the roles were reversed. But like I said in a previous post I know for a fact if the roles were reversed and he knew my H was doing wrong he would not tell me. But I don't want to be petty in that regard. I like to treat others how I would like to be treated. My husband doesn't know but I plan on telling him first. I think the major dilemma is WHEN to tell my H and if he decides we should tell, when to tell hers.

[linwood]

Are you being sarcastic?

 

Not a bit.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Trying to imagine myself in your situation, I think I would put some healthy distance between myself and this toxic friend and tell my husband the reasons after he returned. Most likely he’ll want to know why you’ve chosen to no longer associate with his friend’s wife, anyway. As your best friend, companion and confidant, he above all deserves to know the truth. I can find no reason for anyone to lie to their partner for the sake of someone else. Especially for someone you’re not all that fond of to begin with.

 

I’d also let my husband decide whether or not to approach the subject with his friend once everyone is home safe and sound. Better that his buddy hear it from him if at all. But I’d certainly be there to back him up should there be any questions about where he got his information.

 

Most of all, don’t allow other people’s dysfunctional relationships to spoil yours! If anything, it should make you appreciate what the two of you have together even more.

 

Good luck and much love to the both of you.

[spriggig]

Trying to imagine myself in your situation, I think I would put some healthy distance between myself and this toxic friend and tell my husband the reasons after he returned. Most likely he’ll want to know why you’ve chosen to no longer associate with his friend’s wife, anyway. As your best friend, companion and confidant, he above all deserves to know the truth. I can find no reason for anyone to lie to their partner for the sake of someone else. Especially for someone you’re not all that fond of to begin with.

 

I’d also let my husband decide whether or not to approach the subject with his friend once everyone is home safe and sound. Better that his buddy hear it from him if at all. But I’d certainly be there to back him up should there be any questions about where he got his information.

 

Most of all, don’t allow other people’s dysfunctional relationships to spoil yours! If anything, it should make you appreciate what the two of you have together even more.

 

Good luck and much love to the both of you.

 

This is the right path.

[wheelwright]

Are your H and her H on the same tour cycle and at the same location?

 

When are they scheduled to return stateside?

 

Being married, I'm sure you know no one outside your marriage really knows what goes on within it. That's instructive. For now, I'd keep my counsel and erect the IDWTK boundary with the female friend. If she mentions anything, tell her that directly. 'That's your personal marital business and I don't want to hear about it. Talk to your husband'. EOS

 

Totally agree. It's not like one MP is worse than the other.

 

It's not your place to deal with it, unless you arrive at a moment when your friend (if and only if she is a good friend whose interests you have at heart) needs to know. That is when you might act ethically. Anything else is meddling.

 

What I mean is, this isn't about you, it's about your friend. If you aren't her friend, then forget your role in this.

 

If you are anyone's friend you will know what to do - the best for them.

Edited March 28, 2010 by wheelwright
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[White Flower]

Normally I would agree but she is the one who put me in her business. I already told her I didn't want to hear anymore and I have distanced myself. So far I limit our interaction to play dates with our kids. I know this is the only time she will not bring up personal business like this.

Then tell her you don't want to hear it again. Tell her you have a hard time keeping secrets. She'll know to shut up then.