Is/Was my wife unfaithful?

[Leeman002]

I am 25 and my wife is 21. We have been married for one year and have a beautiful daughter who is six months old. We lived at my grandmother's house for about 8 months and had several problems with everyone living under the same room. Sometime in October, my wife met up with an old friend of hers and started hanging out with her. Her friend invited us to her house in the neighboring town which is about 20 miles away. Upon arrival I meet her husband and see just how they live. Their house was horridly dirty and infested with roaches. He is a raging alcoholic with no job and has several drug dealers as friends. After about half an hour of putting up with that and being as nice as possible, I told my wife that it was time to go. She promptly asked if I cared if she spent the night with her friend. Like the nice guy I am, I sighed and said yes and took the baby and myself home. She ended up staying there for 2 days and 2 nights the first time. When she came back home, she stayed at her cousins and not at home. That lasted only 1 day when she went back to her friends apartment. She wanted me to come for a bit, so after finding a sitter since I didnt want my baby in that mess, I reluctantly went with her for an hour or so. After a while of getting along with these people for her sake, I took my leave and she stayed once again. This time she stayed for a whole week. Finally her cousin had seen that I was depressed and had enough. She went and got her and brought her home and had a long talk with her. She asked her if she was cheating on me with her friends husband. She immediately said no and still says no to this day. I dropped the conversation and the next day started getting text messages from her friends husband and one of his friends. Asking me if they could "screw" my wife and going on to continue to tell me that she already did have sex with them and talked badly about me. I confronted her about it and she broke down crying saying how she would never cheat on me and they are lying. After alot of coaxing I tried to drop it and didnt bring it up anymore. Now we have our own house and have been here for 3 months. In that time, we have made love 2 times. She no longer seems to have any interest in me whatsoever, save that she wants me to always watch the kid and clean the house or whatever else she wants me to do. I will give her compliments, buy her things, rub her back, draw her bath, etc, and pretty much be a tender person to the wife that I love so much. In return I get pretty much nothing. I can give her all the hints in the book and she just sits on her computer and acts like I am not even giving her the hint. When I ask her about it, she says things like "I would love to make love to you honey, but my back hurts" or "I'm not feeling well." She also has been spending alot of time away from our new home, which she wanted so bad, and I saved up for, saying she is going to her mothers, or her cousins to "help out with things". I am tired of being rejected and feeling depressed and lonely. Any thoughts or comments on the matter? Any advice would be thoroughly appreciated.

[Space Ritual]

Yes she is cheating on you. I bet she is going there to be on drug fueled sex benders...possibly cocaine or meth. People that stay away from their 6 month old baby for copious amounts of time and then allow you to receive texts from these people asking for sex from her makes it sound like a very sick and sad situation.

 

I am a recovering addict and alcoholic(9 years sober last week) who has seen some pretty crappy behavior from people you'd never suspect(myself included). And I mean NEVER EVER SUSPECT. This type of behavior is indicative of someone who is losing her perspective.

 

I would see a doctor first, a lawyer second.

 

I think this is pretty bad and Im sorry this is happening. stuff like this spirals out of control very quickly. If you dint believe me, I understand. we want to told on to something...anything to make it seem like this isn't happening

 

I would also ask her to take a drug test in front of you. I will bet she refuses and pulls the trust issue out.

 

Im very sorry, but get tested for STDs because god only knows what is going on. You may end up on Maury or Springer at the rate this is going.

[jmargel]

Some red flags here:

 

• She is 21, way too immature for marriage.
  
• Leaving her child for days/week at a time to hang out with druggies?
  
• Continuing to be friends with guys who are harassing you and saying these things
  
• Her lack of affection/attention towards you.
  

 

She is still a child herself. I wouldn't date a woman unless she is at least 25, had her own place and had a chance to live independantly. Especially in this day of age, unless a woman had a chance to experience her 'freedom' it will come back to bite the person she is with.

 

Her lack of attention to not only you but your new born baby is appaling. You are the parent, taking care of her, while she the child is doing what she wants when she wants. She has to responsibility and honestly you roll over and piddle on yourself when it comes to her.

 

She does not respect you.

 

This is because you don't make her face any consequences for her actions. Honestly, if it was me in your situation, I would have her bags packed sitting on the curb. I would contact and tell her you have a lawyer and that you are going for full custody.

 

If she was there a week, you can rest assure that she was probably using drugs. With drugs use and those kind of people around good chance she did sleep with someone. Might not have been her friend's husband but probably one of the creeps that hang out there.

 

Get yourself checked for STDs, you can't trust her.

 

How much are you going to tolerate? How many times does this have to happen? Stop babying her and get PISSED OFF! Show her, tell her, and let her know that unless she gets to counseling now, it's over. No debate. She has no more chances. Let her know that you are moving on with your life and that there are no guarantees that you will be back. Pull that safety net from underneath her!

 

Pouting and being depressed about it is not going to do you any good. If you expect her to come back with puppy dog eyes and feel sorry for you and love you up again, it's not going to happen. She is WAY too immature and has not sown her wild oats. She feels no responsibility to you, the marriage or her child. Do you really want someone like this? Do you always want to be the giver and get nothing back?

 

Don't put your own self-worth into what she is doing, she is doing this not because of you, but because of her own immaturity.

 

Continue to tolerate this and be sure that you will continue to be disrespected. Start setting short term goals for yourself, that include only you and your child. Contact a lawyer, get that child away from her. Do everything you can as a father. Your baby is the first priority.

[Leeman002]

Thanks for the advice. I have taken the advice and set up an appoint with the doctor.

[jmargel]

You're welcome.. Keep coming back and let us know how things are going. Alot of us have been in bad situations and we have the experience to help you out.

[Bryanp]

I feel so sorry for you. You seem like a very nice guy. Everything that you have written sounds like she is probably into drugs and cheated and still cheating on you. I would demand a polygraph from her. You need to get tested for STD's. You need to contact a lawyer to understand your options. You need to protect your little girl. I wish you luck.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

wow! your wife sounds like a peice of work, and it seems like she has a problem..The first thing that comes to mind is DRUGS. I've seen alot of people just completely disconnect from everything over the crap. Theres no way I could leave my children and/or H for a week of partying. I'm sorry to say but there are alot of red flags that shes cheated on you. No matter what happens in this whole situation...be there for your baby girl and fight for her if need be. I hope you find a resolution and try not to lose yourself on the way. Good luck

[imagine]

Thanks for the advice. I have taken the advice and set up an appoint with the doctor.

 

The texts need to be verified. Have her take a polygraph test. You guys need to talk and establish honesty in your marriage.

 

I would not let my wife be in the presence of someone I did not fully trust. Don't do it again.

[sweetjasmine]

Document everything, just in case.

[seibert253]

Red flags a waving.

 

Here's how I see it:

1. You wife is/was hooked on drugs. (The days/weeks she was away from home, shaking up with drug dealers, well Ray Charles can see this one)

2. She did cheat on you with the other dudes. What is their motivation to text you about screwing your wife? I mean, what's the point? Why would they do that other than, well, to fu$k your wife. I guarantee you she told them you were ok with the fact she was spreading her legs for them, that's why after she left, they called asking. When she was away, did she have any money? How else would she get the drugs then to prostitute herself?

3. She's disconnected from you because she misses the drugs, or getting boinked by other dudes, or both.

4. When she's off going here or there, are there periods of time where she's unaccounted for? If there is, well I don't have to tell you what she's doing.

 

Dude, you and your child do not deserve this. You need a game plan to resolve this situation, one way or the other. Here's a quick outline:

 

A. Monitor her cell phone if she has one. Check her texts, calls. If you find inappropriate texts, forward them to your cell phone or a seperate email account. Unknown telephone numbers, write them down and look them up on line. If that doesn't work, call them, see who answers. Do not ask her to see her phone, check it when you get the opportunity. If you ask or demand, she's gonna say no, delete everything, then change her mind and let you look at it. Then you'll never get access to it again.

 

B. Install a keylogger on the computer. This will give you all her online activity. Don't be surprised if she has an unknown email account.

 

C. When she's out on one of her "trips", follow her or have her followed. I'll bet the farm she's not where she say's she's gonna be.

 

Gather your evidence before you decide to confront her. Do not confront her first. She will continue to lie and will take extra measures to conceal her activity.

 

When confronting her, do it with love, not anger. Confront her with what you know. Be general if you can, but to overcome her lies and objections, give her generalized specifics. For example, "I know you are involved in inappropriate contact with XXX and I know the type of conversations you are involved in". With this, she will accuse you of spying, invading her privacy, blah, blah, blah. Counter with "this is not about your privacy or me spying, this is about you involved in an affair and in conduct which is destroying this family"

Let her know the decision to healing and getting help lies with her, not you. Choosing to help her and stay in this marriage, well that's YOUR decision, not hers.

[doushenka]

Thanks for the advice. I have taken the advice and set up an appoint with the doctor.

 

While you're at it, encourage her to have one as well -- someone who's supposedly "not feeling well" for three months (i.e. the timespan in which she's only been up to sex twice) must be positively incapacitated. If she's feeling well enough to go out with her friends, she can pay you a little attention in bed from time to time.

 

...er, well, once you're both clear of STDs.

[LakesideDream]

Actually it's easier than all of it. All you need is a few strands of her hair. You can have it analysed for a hundred bucks or so and know for sure what she's doing.

 

At least then you won't be going off half cocked. It's a sad thing what you are about to go through. I agree with the others, it sounds like a meth situation.

 

That stuff will mess you up beyond belief. I'm sure there are very few things that will make a woman willingly leave her child behind.

[Leeman002]

Funniest thing. Just had family pass away, and she still isnt coming home. She states that she misses us and that she is sorry.

[Space Ritual]

Funniest thing. Just had family pass away, and she still isnt coming home. She states that she misses us and that she is sorry.

 

 

Wow I am so sorry. I think that is just terrible. I also think my initial assessment about drugs is also correct. I think she has chosen partying and having fun over her family.

 

See a lawyer and divorce her asap. I wouldn't even try at this point to save the marriage. and I'd be very wary about her if she is around your daughter. Your wife is capable of all sorts of weird behavior and if she does try to come back right now I wouldn't leave your baby alone with her for a second.

[Leeman002]

Yeah, I think this has crossed a threshold that I can no longer bear. 30 more minutes to my doctor's apt. for the testing. After that I believe I am going to start taking the proper steps to correct things for myself and my child. Thank you all for your help and supportive advice.

[doushenka]

You're welcome, Leeman, and for what it's worth, you've got my condolences on the passing of your family member. *big hugs* You look after your own. We'll be here to help you through it.

[on1wheel]

I am sorry for the loss of your loved one & am sorry for the loss of your wife. She is gone & so far gone that you have no choice I think but to take action. I have been through a horrible period where my wife did things that I could neither understand or believe...yet there they were. When a man wanders he can often be lured back by his woman, but it seems that once a woman has decided it's over in her mind then there is nothing that can be done to bring her back.

I wish I could remember where I read it on-line, but if you google "infidelity in marriage" or "cheating wife" then you will no doubt come accross a book written by a female author that tells us all the warning signs & what they mean. It was exactly what happened to me & it was the only way that I understood what had happened to me.

Keep us posted as to what happens with the test & the lawyers advice. Cheers.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for your loss Leeman. I am glad that you are seeing a doctor and then hopefully your lawyer. Her words are meaningless. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions indicate that she is more than likely hooked on drugs and pretty much has abandoned you and your child. You need to protech your child and yourself. Enough is Enough!

[Darth Vader]

Yeah, I think this has crossed a threshold that I can no longer bear. 30 more minutes to my doctor's apt. for the testing. After that I believe I am going to start taking the proper steps to correct things for myself and my child. Thank you all for your help and supportive advice.

 

 

Yeah, you had better get a really good lawyer, because I hear in Illinois men are almost always screwed unless they can prove the mother is unfit. I'd get a real good lawyer if I were you, and I mean a REAL GOOD LAWYER!

 

Get the PI as well.

[fooled once]

Please protect your child.

 

For a mother to turn her back on her child shows what an incredibly immature irresponsible POS she is.

 

Get custody.

 

File abandonment charges.

 

Close any joint bank accounts.

 

Change the house locks.

 

Make sure she can't come in without you being there in case she starts taking things to buy drugs or incase she brings any of the loser druggie's home with her.

 

Good luck!

[D-Lish]

I am so sorry this is going on! Who watches the baby while you are at work?? How does her friend feel about your wife having sex with her husband?

 

That's just horrible.

Get a lawyer asap, find out your best course of action, and divorce this brat.

[Spooky84]

21 is the perfect age for drug fueled orgies...especially when they have a baby at home "tying them down"....

 

When I was in college nearly every girl I knew wanted to have sex with couples, other girls etc, especially when using drugs/alcohol.

 

I feel awful for you Lee. I hope you get your child and a decent woman.

[tnttim]

Yeah, you had better get a really good lawyer, because I hear in Illinois men are almost always screwed unless they can prove the mother is unfit. I'd get a real good lawyer if I were you, and I mean a REAL GOOD LAWYER!

 

Get the PI as well.

 

Not true. My wife's sister lost custody of her son and has to pay him child support. She didn't show up to court and he won a default judgment. My suggestion if you want 100% custody, would be to serve her the papers and right before the court date give her money so she goes on a bender and misses the court date. Anyone who says this is wrong can kiss my lily white a*s because when it comes to your kids all bets are off.

[Darth Vader]

Not true. My wife's sister lost custody of her son and has to pay him child support. She didn't show up to court and he won a default judgment. My suggestion if you want 100% custody, would be to serve her the papers and right before the court date give her money so she goes on a bender and misses the court date. Anyone who says this is wrong can kiss my lily white a*s because when it comes to your kids all bets are off.

 

 

Serious question, why are you still with your wife? She screwed around on you, what do you get out of all of that, other than bad images.

 

We both know you can do better than her!