Twice Bitten

[prettyfyre]

I DID NOT KNOW BUT ALWAYS HAD A GUT FEELING THAT MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE COURTING EACH OTHER. HE NEVER CONFESSED AND SWORE IT WAS MY UNTRUSTING NATURE. (I HAVE VISIONS). ALTHOUGH IT WAS A SHORT TIME WE GOT MARRIED. I FOUND OUT SO MANY UNTOLD TRUTHS AFTER WE MARRIED AND I FORGAVE HIM FOR THE LIES AND THE INFIDELITY DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES SURROUNDING US AT THAT TIME AND BECAUSE I LOVED HIM.

 

IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO TRUST HIM FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF OUR MARRIAGE. WE THOUGHT WE WERE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT AND AGREED THAT IF BY THE END OF THE FIRST YEAR, WE DID NOT IMPROVE WE WOULD DIVORCE. IT STILL TOOK ME ANOTHER FULL YEAR TO FEEL I COULD TRUST HIM BUT WE STAYED TOGETHER AND MADE IT PAST THE 1ST AND 2ND HARDEST YEARS OF OUR MARRIED LIFE TOGETHER.

 

WE WILL BE MARRIED 6 YEARS THIS JUNE.

 

HE HAS RECENTLY SUFFERED GREATLY MENTALLY WITH BURDENS OF HOW HE USE TO BE IN THE PAST WHICH HAS AFFECTED HIS HEALTH (PANIC ATTACKS, FEARS, DEPRESSION, NEGATIVITY, ODC, ANXIETY ATTACKS, HEART TROUBLE) . HE HAS GOTTEN HELP FOR HIS HEALTH AND RECENTLY STARTED TO GO TO PSCHYCOLOGIST , PSYCHIATRIST, AND A CHURCH SUPPORT GROUP, AND HAS FOUND CHRIST. HE CHOSE TO DO THIS OWN HIS OWN.

 

IN THIS HE CONFESSED THAT IN OUR 3RD MONTH OF MARRIAGE HE HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND. FEELING GUILTY AND REMORSEFUL, HE ASKED GOD FOR FORGIVENESS AND PROMISED GOD HE WOULD NEVER BE DECEITFUL IN HIS MARRIAGE AGAIN.

 

HE FELT OUR 6 YR. MARITAL BOND WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND ANY THING SINCE I HAD STOOD BY HIS SIDE THROUGHOUT THE UPS AND DOWNS OF OUR MARRIAGE.

FROM HIS BAD TEMPER ( NO HE HAS NEVER HIT ME) AND HE DOESNT DESTROY OUR STUFF ANYMORE, TO HIS EXTREMELY SELFISH WAYS, AND OBSESSIVE AND CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.

 

THIS HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS AND I MADE HIM LEAVE OUR HOME.

 

NOW THAT HE IS TRYING TO HELP HIMSELF, FINDING OUT THIS BIT OF TRUTH, ALTHOUGH EARLY IN THE MARRIAGE, HURTS SO VERY BADLY.

 

I ALSO FEEL I CANT BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS BEING THAT HE CAN COMPARTMENTALIZE LIES IN THE BACK OF HIS MIND AND BLOCK THEM OUT. ALTHOUGH HE SAYS HE CANT DO THAT AND LIVE WITH HIMSELF ANYMORE.

 

HE SAYS HE CAN NO LONGER BE THE MAN HE WAS AND THAT HE HAS AND IS A CHANGED PERSON AND THAT IS WHY HE TOLD ME,

TO BE COMPLETELY CLEAN AND HONEST WITH GOD, HIMSELF, AND ME, BUT I AM TROUBLED BECAUSE I DONT BELIEVE IN HIS SINCERITY, ANYMORE.

 

HE SAYS THERE ARE NO MORE LIES, NOTHING, THAT HE WAS INFIDEL ONLY THAT TIME IN OUR MARRIAGE, AND HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE AGAIN.

 

HE HAS ASKED ME TO GO TO A THERAPIST TO HELP ME DEAL WITH MY PAIN, ANGER, AND DISTRUST TOWARDS HIM, AND A MARRIAGE COUNCELOR WITH HIM TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE, AND HE WANTS US TO GO TO A SUPPORT GROUP TOGETHER, AND CHURCH.

 

I KNOW HE HAS CHANGED AND IMPROVED FOR THE BETTER OVER THE LAST 6 YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE. WE BOTH HAVE CHANGED AND GROWN FOR THE BETTER TOGETHER, BUT I JUST CANT GET OVER FEELING THAT IT IS IN HIS NATURE TO BE SELFISH, AND BECAUSE OF HIS NATURE, ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.

 

I DONT TRUST HIS SINCERITY, AND AS BAD AS THIS MAY SOUND HIS NEWFOUND FAITH IN GOD, OR THAT HE SPEAKS WITH MANLY CONVICTION.

 

I AM NOT CERTAIN THAT I WANT TO OR DON'T WANT TO TRY TO GET THE HELP WE NEED TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE BECAUSE OF MY PERSONAL BELIEFS. ALTHOUGH I LOVE HIM, I AM NOT SURE IF I AM STILL INLOVE WITH HIM.

 

I BELIEVE IF HE DID IT TWICE, ALTHOUGH IT WAS LONG AGO, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.

 

HOW DO YOU RECOVER AND MOVE FORWARD FROM SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

HOW DO YOU TRUST AGAIN?

[quankanne]

part of recovering from a situation like yours is to try to put things right, and that sounds like what he was attempting to do when he told you he cheated on you early in the marriage. Though it might have been smarter to have kept that bit of information to himself instead of hurting you by mentioning it.

 

if putting things right means seeking counseling, he's on the right track by getting psychological and spiritual help. While you question his motives, I think I'm more concerned about why you refuse to get the help your marriage needs? Is is because you're worried that you will be blamed for something or be put down for seeking counselling, or do you just not care about the two of you anymore? It sounds like you're pretty pissed or disgusted with him right now, and this is your way of hurting him for hurting you.

 

learning to trust someone for the first time (or all over again) means being willing to take chances even if you're afraid to get hurt. The bottom line is, what do you want from your relationship with him?

[EnigmaXOXO]

When it comes to infidelity, sometimes it is much easier to forgive your partner for having sex with someone else than it is to forgive the fact that you were lied to and/or deceived. "Trust" is much more difficult to regain once it has been broken. After all, the same reassuring words and actions you are witnessing now are the same ones that were used to hide the truth from you before.

 

So how do you know for certain that you aren't being fooled again? The answer is...you can't. And therein is where the problem lies.

 

The only question you must ponder is whether or not your husband is worth the second chance. Do you give him the benefit of the doubt? And if so, at what risk to your own emotional well-being? Knowing that even though you may be capable of forgiving...you will never be able to forget. So how will this new revelation effect any chance you have to reestablish those important bonds of faith and trust you need to rebuild a solid foundation for your relationship?

 

True, a therapist and/or councilor may help you to process your hurt and confusion in a healthier way. But they won't be able to give you back the ground you have lost. That would be up to the two of you...But it would require starting all over again.

 

So, is he worth it??

 

Only "you" can decide that.

[prettyfyre]

Thank You both for taking the time to share with me your thoughts on my situation.

 

I did need to spend time soul searching the reasons why I should or shouldn't try to work things out and save my 6 year marriage.

 

All your replies help soothe this broken heart......