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Question for wayward spouses


DestroyerOfWorlds

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DestroyerOfWorlds

Hello,

 

For those of you who had affairs but chose to stay with your spouse instead of your affair partner, how do you feel about your decision? As long as you can maintain a stable, loving home for your family I don't see where it could ever be considered "the wrong choice" to stay.

 

Did any of you stay though and as badly as you wanted things to work out, as much as you knew you were doing the right thing, as much as you loved your partner ( although maybe not in love ) felt like your heart was just not cooperating with you in your decision.

 

Did you find yourself still thinking about your affair partner on a daily basis ( even though you know deep down that it wouldn't have worked out in the long term maybe ) and realize that the only way you can stay with your family and make for a happy life was just to pretend that you were happy? As long as you buried the feelings you really felt then things would "work out fine" in the long run.

 

Anybody have any insight for me on that one? Thanks for your help.

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I've never considered leaving my bf, nor would I for the OM (who's a MM). There were no feelings/strings attached, we both just wanted to have fun on the side. Yes, I still think about him, but as friends, and say hi here and there. We joke around like nothing ever happened. Although we never really see each other, we talk online/text.

I go through mixed feelings about it though. I ask myself why I ever even did it. I had no reason to. I maybe let excitement get to me? I wonder what I got myself into. Other times I get excited thinking about it and hooking up with him-- although since the last time we got together, I've had no desire to get with him, sometimes even talk to him.

 

I don't know if I answered what you wanted, but those are my feelings on mine. So I guess mixed feelings about the whole ordeal, but never considered leaving my bf.

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DOW, I can only offer my experience as a BS.

 

I threw him out and told him to go get her. I refused to be anyone's default choice, especially since contact continued after DDay.

 

I told him I still expected him to be a good father to his children, but as for me, no way, not after the texts I intercepted and the discoveries I made.

 

I kept it cordial and kid-related, but refused to discuss "us."

 

I joined the gym, took classes after work and did everything in my power to make a life without him, because that is the way I thought it would go. That is also what LS's refer to as doing the 180.

 

I let it ride. Went to IC, got all the support I could from trusted friends and lived my life as happily as I could. I also exposed the affair to family.

 

He waffled for about three months in his affair fog, woke up one day, and started begging and crying to come home. I allowed it under very strict conditions, NC, IC, MC and talking talking talking.

 

Read Owl's threads. He is very wise indeed.

 

But to answer your question from my perspective: No. It takes a strong, loving, committed marriage to raise healthy, independent children.

 

You have to be PRESENT and UP to the job to do the job!

 

If my WS was their pining away for another, it would eat me up inside, and the toxicity of that relationship would successfully destroy my children, IMHO.

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Boundary Problem
If my WS was their pining away for another, it would eat me up inside, and the toxicity of that relationship would successfully destroy my children, IMHO.

 

 

To pine away for some long lost person when in a relationship raising children is in my opinion a sign of complete immaturity.

 

To raise a family takes such focus and is such a wonderful experience it shows an inability to deal with reality if they are pining for some person who obviously doesn't want them back.

 

It wouldn't eat me up inside. It would just make me sad. But everyone gets to make their own choices and live with the consequences.

 

Personally when I was married it had its bad times, but I NEVER started going "what if..so and so" in my mind. If you are IN then you are IN.

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DestroyerOfWorlds

First - Broken Lady - thank you very much for directing those threads to my attention. I don't know how things work on here yet so not sure if that was easy for you to find or if you had to do some searching....but either way I appreciate your help there.

 

Boundary Problem - I certainly have no place to argue immaturity. I know what I did was wrong and I want to try to fix it and that's why I am on here trying to gather advice rather than continue making bad decisions.

 

I left the OW as well so it isn't a case of pining for someone who didn't want me back. It's not so much that I am thinking "what if or so and so". I am where I want to be. I want to be with my wife and kids 10...20 years from now but I don't know why my heart doesn't seem to be falling in line with that.

 

When my wife first found out of the A 7 months ago she refused to talk to me for 3 weeks. I wanted to stay away from the other woman and turned her down the first couple of times she wanted to meet but was missing her and saw her after about 5 days. I wanted to have a breakdown. I wanted to cry and be such a mess that I knew exactly what I needed to do to go back and fix my marriage...but the tears didn't come....I just felt dead and numb ( I am well aware that my wife would have felt much much worse )

 

I had totally fallen for this OW. Where as my marriage had been more based on a great friendship and similar outlooks \ life goals the A was based more on emotion and passion ( the obvious cliche ). When things came out people tried to tell me that all new relationships start that way and it will just fade out...which I know is true...but the thing is is that those feelings were never there like that with my W.

 

The A went on for 8 months and I got more and more emotionally involved. I never told her I wanted to leave my marriage and tried to convince her to date the other men that were asking her out because I could not be the final destination for her. Through her life she had been molested, raped and abused. She had survived cancer but had lost contact with her parents and oldest child around the same time and none have spoken to her in nearly 5 years. She was so friendly and outgoing and that was hard not to love her that I couldn't understand the life she had been through.

 

After the A was exposed by an email from an ex of hers things began to change though. I know I handled things terribly at that point and went through a 2 month period where she was basically dragged along. She accused me of ruining her life, accused me of her financial problems, accused me of fights she had with her son, accused me of losing her best friend, told me I was worse than anyone who ever raped or abused her. She told me I could rot, I could go to hell, I was a horrible, miserable person ( and yes, I know she'd have a lot of people back her up on here ). She said my wife deserved much better than me and she felt sorry for her. When I said it was obvious she not longer wanted me then she said "I didn't say that".

 

On the day things finally ended she told me her son had went to a friends house because they were fighting over her involvement with me. I told her that if she needed to drop contact with me then I understood. I loved her but couldn't be with her and didn't want to continue messing up her life. She was all ready dating other people and I was going to IC and MC with my wife. She and I were supposed to be fading out and going back to the friendship we had before we got involved ( me being naive again ). I told her that I would not be offended or have any negative feelings if she couldn't be my friend in order to fix her relationship with her son. Her response was that I could stop talking to her if that was what I wanted but she would never forgive me for that. It was later that day that her son called my wife and told her that I was still in contact with the OW.

 

When I called the OW that night to tell her what happened she told me she didn't know and would go pick up her son. She called back later saying she ruined the clutch on her car going to get him and had to get a tow-truck that she couldn't afford ( which was also all my fault somehow ). A friend came by and brought her son home and he asked if I was going to come over and be with his mom now. Having her friend there I also realized that she had been drinking and was quite loaded when she had went to pick up her son and that's why she wrecked her clutch.

 

I loved this woman and I knew she was bound to have issues as a result of her past but it after the A came out she just fell apart and I saw just how big her issues were. I began to question so many things she told me after the A came out to the point that I'm not certain she wasn't behind the email that exposed things in the hope that I would leave my W for her. Having her go out to pick up her son drunk though...I realized that I could never save her from herself. I loved her and I still do but I feel very bad for her. I couldn't choose her or go back to her...I fear she would be a danger to my son. I do remember what things were like before the A came out though and I will always remember her that way regardeless of how things ended....but no I am not wondering "what if". She was a friend I got too involved, fell deeply in love with and then made it so I couldn't be her friend anymore and I will always regret that. I think it is alot of that guilt and regreet that are making things so hard for me to repair my marriage.

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First - Broken Lady - thank you very much for directing those threads to my attention. I don't know how things work on here yet so not sure if that was easy for you to find or if you had to do some searching....but either way I appreciate your help there.

 

Boundary Problem - I certainly have no place to argue immaturity. I know what I did was wrong and I want to try to fix it and that's why I am on here trying to gather advice rather than continue making bad decisions.

 

I left the OW as well so it isn't a case of pining for someone who didn't want me back. It's not so much that I am thinking "what if or so and so". I am where I want to be. I want to be with my wife and kids 10...20 years from now but I don't know why my heart doesn't seem to be falling in line with that.

 

When my wife first found out of the A 7 months ago she refused to talk to me for 3 weeks. I wanted to stay away from the other woman and turned her down the first couple of times she wanted to meet but was missing her and saw her after about 5 days. I wanted to have a breakdown. I wanted to cry and be such a mess that I knew exactly what I needed to do to go back and fix my marriage...but the tears didn't come....I just felt dead and numb ( I am well aware that my wife would have felt much much worse )

I had totally fallen for this OW. Where as my marriage had been more based on a great friendship and similar outlooks \ life goals the A was based more on emotion and passion ( the obvious cliche ). When things came out people tried to tell me that all new relationships start that way and it will just fade out...which I know is true...but the thing is is that those feelings were never there like that with my W.

The A went on for 8 months and I got more and more emotionally involved. I never told her I wanted to leave my marriage and tried to convince her to date the other men that were asking her out because I could not be the final destination for her. Through her life she had been molested, raped and abused. She had survived cancer but had lost contact with her parents and oldest child around the same time and none have spoken to her in nearly 5 years. She was so friendly and outgoing and that was hard not to love her that I couldn't understand the life she had been through.

 

After the A was exposed by an email from an ex of hers things began to change though. I know I handled things terribly at that point and went through a 2 month period where she was basically dragged along. She accused me of ruining her life, accused me of her financial problems, accused me of fights she had with her son, accused me of losing her best friend, told me I was worse than anyone who ever raped or abused her. She told me I could rot, I could go to hell, I was a horrible, miserable person ( and yes, I know she'd have a lot of people back her up on here ). She said my wife deserved much better than me and she felt sorry for her. When I said it was obvious she not longer wanted me then she said "I didn't say that".

 

On the day things finally ended she told me her son had went to a friends house because they were fighting over her involvement with me. I told her that if she needed to drop contact with me then I understood. I loved her but couldn't be with her and didn't want to continue messing up her life. She was all ready dating other people and I was going to IC and MC with my wife. She and I were supposed to be fading out and going back to the friendship we had before we got involved ( me being naive again ). I told her that I would not be offended or have any negative feelings if she couldn't be my friend in order to fix her relationship with her son. Her response was that I could stop talking to her if that was what I wanted but she would never forgive me for that. It was later that day that her son called my wife and told her that I was still in contact with the OW.

 

When I called the OW that night to tell her what happened she told me she didn't know and would go pick up her son. She called back later saying she ruined the clutch on her car going to get him and had to get a tow-truck that she couldn't afford ( which was also all my fault somehow ). A friend came by and brought her son home and he asked if I was going to come over and be with his mom now. Having her friend there I also realized that she had been drinking and was quite loaded when she had went to pick up her son and that's why she wrecked her clutch.

 

I loved this woman and I knew she was bound to have issues as a result of her past but it after the A came out she just fell apart and I saw just how big her issues were. I began to question so many things she told me after the A came out to the point that I'm not certain she wasn't behind the email that exposed things in the hope that I would leave my W for her. Having her go out to pick up her son drunk though...I realized that I could never save her from herself. I loved her and I still do but I feel very bad for her. I couldn't choose her or go back to her...I fear she would be a danger to my son. I do remember what things were like before the A came out though and I will always remember her that way regardeless of how things ended....but no I am not wondering "what if". She was a friend I got too involved, fell deeply in love with and then made it so I couldn't be her friend anymore and I will always regret that. I think it is alot of that guilt and regreet that are making things so hard for me to repair my marriage.

 

I understand what you are saying. I am an xMOW and had an A with a long time friend(MM) for a year. We met prior to our marriages and we felt strong emotions for each other then and had an encounter in which we were almost sexual. My interest and attraction toward him scared me because I questioned my relationship with my then bf(now H). And during lunch one day, he mentioned "if I had met you just a month ago(when he got engaged)." We maintained an appropriate friendship for almost 12 years until the A. We are both married and there are 4 children between us under the age of 6.

 

Like you, my H and I always had a "great friendship" and similar "life goals" but there was never any great passion or intimacy. I do love him and I love our children but was severely inconsistent initially. Not with great hopes of running away with xMM but with whether or not I wanted to work on my M. Due to my inconsistencies, I asked my H if he wanted me to leave and separate for a short time because I did not feel it was fair to him that I was not 100% sure. I had been unhappy for 2 years, made my H aware, but there was no changes. I had given up. He was fully aware but did not want me to leave. I felt I owed him and my children efforts to reconcile. And feel it was the right choice to stay. At times, my heart is not fully where I think it should be. Some will rush to say, "LEAVE THEN." But that means you give up on trying what could possilbly get much better. It is not that I long specifically for my xMM. I yearned for the emotions, the laughter and conversations, and the awesome passionate sex with my H throughout the entire A.

 

Some days I wonder if the passion and intimacy is lacking not only because I developed emotions for someone else. But also because I built up anger and resentment for so long and we stated becoming emotionally distant 3 years ago. MC and IC did help my M with our communication and quality time spent together. However, the passion is still lacking. All I keep hearing is that it will come with time. What does your IC say about this? Were you emotionally disconnected with your W for a long time prior to A? How is your wife feeling?

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DestroyerOfWorlds

Thanks for your comments Spoiled.

 

The main reason I chose to start posting here is because I felt my IC has been essentially useless. I am on my second one and both of them just told me to leave my marriage to be happy. It has been my experience that these IC look at the person only and the MC look at the marriage only. The IC says that is there is no sexual chemistry then it won't get better and I therefore the right thing to do "for me" is to leave. I feel as though they would give that same response to someone who had been with their partner for 2 months or to someone who has been married for 15 years with a half dozen kids. I didn't get the impression that they are looking at any other outside factor other than the issue you are complaining about.

 

I completely understand your comment about the resentment affecting intimacy. For years I felt like I was willing to cater to her every sexual need, was concerned about making sure she was satisfied and never turned her down but I never got that same feeling from her. Where as it got me excited to turn her on I never felt she felt the same way. Taking off her clothes could be considered foreplay and then the rest was up to me. Granted that worked just fine when I was in my 20's but as resentment and lack of interest ( and age unfortunately ) have increased it now takes a little more effort on her part.

 

When we first started with the MC she said she had so many questions and unknowns and I did my best to explain things to her. Later on she went on about the same things and the MC told her I all ready answered all those questions and she didn't listen to a thing I said. So many things she claimed she didn't know or that I never told her...well I had. I am not a yeller or screamer. I told her what I liked or what I was disappointed with and she choose to ignore them. She said she must have been watching TV when I told her those things and she wasn't paying attention. We ended up switching to another MC because she felt that one kept taking my side in everything.

 

When we first had our "are we going to try to work this out talk" 3 weeks after D-day she told me all of the things I had to change and I agreed to them. When I told her all of the changes that I needed from her she came up with excuses for why she couldn't or hadn't or why it would be hard.

 

I do want to clarify though, that my wife is an amazing woman. I am an a*& to have cheated on her. Any issue between us ( before I cheated ) was due to differences or chemistry...nothing that made me right and her wrong or her bad or anything like that. That's why I say that I feel like I should be so thankful that I have this opportunity to stay with her and be with my family and to get past all of this...but I don't feel as happy as I should. Maybe it is just because I am a completely selfish moron jacka%$ ( which I asked my IC to confirm for me but she wasn't willing to do that :-) )

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Three weeks after discovering my husband had had an 8-month affair with what sounds to be a very unstable, somewhat manipulative, somewhat self-destructive, drama queen, I would not be in the mood to change a thing about myself because I would still be raging at him and the betrayal of the affair!

 

No offense, DOW, but read what you wrote! Go back and really read it!

 

You almost lost it all for a woman who has so sabotaged every relationship she has had that no one has anything to do with her! Hell, even one of her children were taken away from her and half her family doesn't even speak to her! She may have had her son rat you out to your wife to force your hand. She grew angry and blamed you for everything at the end. Read up on BORDERLINE personalities.

 

This is SO BLATANTLY MANIPULATIVE! Is it possible you were just another pawn in her ongoing drama? How do you know what she told you is true? How do you know? Because she told you it was true?

 

When you stop mourning the loss of the hot sex provided by your damsel in distress, and totally re-commit to making your marriage more passionate, maybe THEN your wife will be more responsive to your needs!

 

Right now, if she is anything like me, she wants the man she thought she married to reappear, not the guy who turned up after affair, mourning the loss of his drama queen.

 

Look, this may not be true for you, but here goes: It is two years since DDAY, and my WS and I are crazy, just crazy for each other! He wants to rip my clothes off every chance he gets. He now lives in fear I will leave him for a better man, one who wouldn't cheat on me. He can't believe how warped his perception of her, and I and our marriage was, how manipulated he was, and how much he almost lost for what he thought was passion.

 

And if you don't get to this point within six months to a year, divorce and let your wife find a man who has passion for her!

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Thanks for your comments Spoiled.

 

The main reason I chose to start posting here is because I felt my IC has been essentially useless. I am on my second one and both of them just told me to leave my marriage to be happy. It has been my experience that these IC look at the person only and the MC look at the marriage only. The IC says that is there is no sexual chemistry then it won't get better and I therefore the right thing to do "for me" is to leave. I feel as though they would give that same response to someone who had been with their partner for 2 months or to someone who has been married for 15 years with a half dozen kids. I didn't get the impression that they are looking at any other outside factor other than the issue you are complaining about.

 

I completely understand your comment about the resentment affecting intimacy. For years I felt like I was willing to cater to her every sexual need, was concerned about making sure she was satisfied and never turned her down but I never got that same feeling from her. Where as it got me excited to turn her on I never felt she felt the same way. Taking off her clothes could be considered foreplay and then the rest was up to me. Granted that worked just fine when I was in my 20's but as resentment and lack of interest ( and age unfortunately ) have increased it now takes a little more effort on her part.

 

When we first started with the MC she said she had so many questions and unknowns and I did my best to explain things to her. Later on she went on about the same things and the MC told her I all ready answered all those questions and she didn't listen to a thing I said. So many things she claimed she didn't know or that I never told her...well I had. I am not a yeller or screamer. I told her what I liked or what I was disappointed with and she choose to ignore them. She said she must have been watching TV when I told her those things and she wasn't paying attention. We ended up switching to another MC because she felt that one kept taking my side in everything.

 

When we first had our "are we going to try to work this out talk" 3 weeks after D-day she told me all of the things I had to change and I agreed to them. When I told her all of the changes that I needed from her she came up with excuses for why she couldn't or hadn't or why it would be hard.

I do want to clarify though, that my wife is an amazing woman. I am an a*& to have cheated on her. Any issue between us ( before I cheated ) was due to differences or chemistry...nothing that made me right and her wrong or her bad or anything like that. That's why I say that I feel like I should be so thankful that I have this opportunity to stay with her and be with my family and to get past all of this...but I don't feel as happy as I should. Maybe it is just because I am a completely selfish moron jacka%$ ( which I asked my IC to confirm for me but she wasn't willing to do that :-) )

 

I know it hurt for you to tell her what you needed and she ignored it. It definitely gives us NO justification for cheating but it fuels the feelings of resentment. I felt as if my H no longer loved me or cared for me. His lack of attention and affection hurt me so much.

 

I refrained from bringing up any of those past requests to my H after d-day out of fear of making him feel like I was blaming him. I was ashamed of my actions and was not expecting any desire from him to give me anything for a long time. Like Spark said, I could not imagine any BS wanting to immediately hear what the WS wants at that time. He apologed because he knew he was not emotionally there for me. He admits to neglecting and ignoring me. But knows my choice to have the A was not his fault. Thankfully, he was able to see through MC and IC how we both contributed to our disconnected M.

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I have to agree with Spark here..

 

Three weeks after the discovery of an affair is wayyyyyyy to soon for you to be telling her what needs you want her to fill.

 

Regardless of what might have been said 3 weeks after dday your wife was probably still reeling from the pain of the discovery and frankly trying to figure out if she could even still be married to you. At that point, your focus should have been on trying to show her that YOU were willing to do what it takes to get her trust back...period..that is all.

 

I don't think it is that unusual for there to be some residual feelings for the AP after the affair is over and in the wake of a dday. However if you can not work through it and recommit to your wife 100 percent...if you can't give her the love and passion she deserves and if she is just not doing it for you...then you should divorce and let her go. Nobody wants to be someone's choice by default .

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I know it hurt for you to tell her what you needed and she ignored it. It definitely gives us NO justification for cheating but it fuels the feelings of resentment. I felt as if my H no longer loved me or cared for me. His lack of attention and affection hurt me so much.

 

I refrained from bringing up any of those past requests to my H after d-day out of fear of making him feel like I was blaming him. I was ashamed of my actions and was not expecting any desire from him to give me anything for a long time. Like Spark said, I could not imagine any BS wanting to immediately hear what the WS wants at that time. He apologed because he knew he was not emotionally there for me. He admits to neglecting and ignoring me. But knows my choice to have the A was not his fault. Thankfully, he was able to see through MC and IC how we both contributed to our disconnected M.

 

I couldn't agree more. Although I don't think the BS is at fault for the affair in itself, I DO THINK both spouses should take responsibility for the state of the marriage. If the affair was, as in my case, an attempt to fill a void that existed -- a lack of sexual attraction, communication, intimacy -- all those things -- then, yes, it is frustrating to go back home and feel like I'm in the same boat yet again. I know everyone says the right thing to do is discuss it with your spouse. It's difficult when it falls on deaf ears year after year. The other alternative thrown out is to take the high road and just leave. That's difficult also, however, when the person isn't particularly a bad person -- they're just someone who stinks at communication/intimacy/sex. So, sometimes people fall prey to temptation. I'm not justifying it, but it happens.

 

OP -- my husband does not know about my affair. Since your wife did find out, I'm sure it will take quite a while for her to work forward with you to re-build the marriage. What's sad is you've only increased the problems you were having pre-affair at the present point. I'm not judging you -- it just is the case. Now, you've ventured out and found some of the things that were missing in you're marriage and it's extra tempting to prioritize those things as all important in a relationship after suffering a void for so long.

 

I do understand you miss your ex-AP, cared for her, felt sexual passion with her, etc. I totally understand that feeling. I'm living the same scenario.

 

Although things may have seemed mundane with your wife and the sex and passion was high with your AP, do you really want to deal with the kind of dramatic behavior your AP partner has shown to be capable of 24/7? It sounds like she has quite a bit of background issues. Her own family does not talk to her? She does sound manipulative and erratic, judging from your post.

 

If you never felt passion or intimacy for your wife, I don't know whether you will in the future or not. I know you have a long road ahead given your affair. If you really want to salvage your marriage, you will give it your best effort. Your wife will eventually have to put forth effort as far as communication is concerned if the marriage is to be saved. Perhaps you two just communicate in different ways. It's difficult when we end up married to a mismatch in that area.

 

I'm still trying to figure out if sexual passion/attraction is something that can be created when it's not there and hasn't ever been there.

 

Even if you and your wife don't work out, it doesn't sound like the other woman would be a wise choice from the info you provided.

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SimplyBeingLoved

I'm still trying to figure out if sexual passion/attraction is something that can be created when it's not there and hasn't ever been there.

 

Me too! Because I'm afraid of what the OP states here:

 

Did any of you stay though and as badly as you wanted things to work out, as much as you knew you were doing the right thing, as much as you loved your partner ( although maybe not in love ) felt like your heart was just not cooperating with you in your decision.
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DestroyerOfWorlds

Spoiled - I don't know how that quote thing works so hopefully people see their name here when I reply.

 

At the time my wife and I had the conversation 3 weeks after D-day I was still very much on the fence as to whether I wanted to come back or not. I had all ready been talking to an IC who was telling me I would be happier to leave at that point. Everything with the xAP was still amazingly euphoric at that time and she was still very much loving and caring. Going in to that conversation I had fully anticipated that was going to be the end of my marriage. I knew that if respect, appreciation, passion and sex had been issues before...well obviously things would only be much worse now. If I had become so unhappy as to have been stupid enough to get to the point of cheating I didn't see where either she or I could be happy now. I had tried to explain to my parents that I had become so unhappy that I wasn't even sure that I wanted to come back and things were going very well with the xAP at the time. Esentially I didn't want to leave her ( the AP ) to go back to a marriage even worse than it had been before hand.

 

I told my W that the affair was more than physical and that I was in love with my AP. I didn't say it to hurt her but to be honest with her that that is what we were dealing with if we really wanted to try to work things out. She said she still wanted to try regareless of that ( much to my amazement ) so I agreed to try to work things out. I knew what I needed out of the relationship though and I told her. I am not so naive \ arrogant as to have feel I should get it right away but while she was actually listening to me this time I had to let her know that I was frustrated with being ignored and would be looking for those changes sometime in the future. Although I had now committed the MUCH GREATER WRONG, I knew that the only way our M had a chance to work was if we both knew what needed to be done.

 

It wasn't until after that conversation that things with the xAP just started to crumble; after I chose against her. Things she had told me in the past 8 months that I felt so bad for her about I began to question if they were even real. I know alot of things had to be real, but just how much of it I am not sure. That's what makes all of this so much worse for me. I fell so deeply for a woman who may have never existed. Her best friend moved in with her and then moved out after a month and has wanted nothing to do with her since. She is also a good friend of mine and sometimes I wish I could just take her stance on things. She feels every word out of the xAP partners mouth was a lie and couldn't care less about her now. I know for a fact that some things are true that the friend thinks are lies so that makes it all the more confusing as far as me trying to figure out what is true or not.

 

I feel I couldn't have gotten involved with a worse person because they were everything I ever wanted and may actually be none of it at all. I certainly believe she was manipulative. As we were supposed to be settling into a "friends state" after everything she told me that she was going to move to the West Coast because she had no reason to stay here now that she and I were through. She told me she had an appraiser come to her house one day so I asked what she was told her house was worth. She said "enough to pay off the mortgage and another small loan". Maybe that is a completely normal answer but I couldn't help but feel that because she didn't tell me the dollar amount that there really wasn't any appraiser at all. She lives near my work and she still lives there 5 months later and there has never been a "for sale" up. I believe it was just something she said to make me feel that I would lose her completely if I chose against her. It may sound paranoid but considering all the stuff she has said or done...I actually give her the benefit of the doubt more than most do.

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DestroyerOfWorlds

Here's the real topper with the xAP though.

 

After the A was exposed I temporarily moved back to my parents. I had called my xAP and told her about what her ex had done about telling my wife ( which she had pre-warned me was going to happen and had tried to convince me to tell my wife before he did ) and she got mad that I chose to go to my parents instead of spend the night at her place the day my W kicked me out.

 

I told my family about what happened and told them of the xAP partners abusive ex that had ratted us out. In hindsight I shouldn't have said but I was kind of reeling from events and wasn't necessarily thinking clearly ( of course it could be argued that I hadn't been thinking clearly for say...8 months maybe ).

 

You hear alot of people on here telling the OW that her MM is lying to her like he is lying to his wife but I can honestly say that was never the case with me. I told her I was married, I told her I wouldn't leave, I never said my W and I sleep in different rooms or any other sort of thing like that. She knew everything...too much really. I told her that I had told my family about what happened and she was livid I told them about her abusive ex.

 

A few days later she tells me that she went to a lawyer and gave them every email, facebook msg and love letter I ever wrote her. She said that she was worried that out of spite someone in my family would go to a councelor or the cops and somehow get her remaining son taken from her. She said that if that happened and I tried to say any lies about just being a whore that I used for sex then her lawyer would have plenty of ammo to discredit me with by showing that I had told her how much she meant to me. She warned me that any secrets I had told her that were in written form were going to come out so I better be prepared. She said she got ahold of the ex to esentially be a witness to discredit me and say he would never do anything to hurt her son.

 

Considering I had never said a negative word to her the whole to we were together she certainly had no reason to believe I was out to get her. So whether that was a lie as just another attempt to make sure I stay with her or whether it was completely true...either way makes her seem a wee bit crazy. My head is still reeling trying to make heads or tails out of everything I have been through with her.

 

Has anyone else out there had similar experiences with xAPs?

 

Oh, and Spark...trust me...I have done much reading on Borderline personalities and sociopaths since my involvement with her. MUCH reading. I showed her ex best friend the an article on the characteristics of a sociopath and she said it sounds like my xAPs biography.

 

In many ways I feel like I should hate her but I just feel bad for her. I wish none of this had happened so that I could still be there as a friend for her because I really think she could use a few of those...and I know I will always care about her well being.

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I....don't know what to say to you.

 

If I were your friend, and we were sitting at my kitchen table having a cup of coffee, and you told me this story, I would advise you to....RUNNNNNNN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

 

This woman sent all your emails to her attorney in case someone tried to smear her and they took her other son away???!!!!!

 

You want to be this woman's friend?????

 

Are you a person who likes to put their hand in the fire? Jump off bridges?

 

Look, what was the fascination? Sometimes becoming heavily invested in another person's constant drama, whether true or untrue, can make us feel more alive. Drama is exciting. Drama is a diversion.

 

The addiction to drama is a symptom of something you feel is lacking in your own life. Figure it out.

 

But be her friend? No way. Friends don't try to hurt friends.

 

It seems she doesn't have any. Why is that?

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Has anyone else out there had similar experiences with xAPs?

 

 

Wow. Your experiences are almost the same as mine. Everything you wrote here either happened to me or would not be much of a strech for my BPD xAP to have done. I wouldn't believe much of anything they have or will say. If they are talking, they are lying.

 

I am about 6 months removed from the relationship and just thinking about or telling the story makes me wonder what I was thinking at the time. Combine an affair and BPD and you have the affair dynamic and FOG talked about here 10x.

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DestroyerOfWorlds

She has plenty of friends...just most of them are guys that are hoping to sleep with her.

 

Unfortunately I ended up doing just that even though that was not why we became friends. She is very open, outgoing, cheery and bubbly. She is generous to a fault and would give her lunch away if someone forgot theirs. We talked about music and writing and drawing and shared mutual interests. In many ways she felt like the other side of my coin ( and through all of this I still think she is closer to the other side of my coin than my wife is ). I felt I could talk to her about anything and she just "got it" where as I never felt that way about my W.

 

I find it very easy to dismiss many of the things my xAP said and did as a result of the situation. She claimed that she had never fallen in love with anyone before and she handled it very poorly as things went bad. Of course she was involved with a man who went home to another woman every night and who told her he loved her but could never be with her and tried to "push her off to other men" as she claimed. I suspect many women ( and men ) could have extreme reactions knowing their partner was with someone else. My W handled it much better than I would have expected. Shockingly, I actually considered myself a pretty decent person before all of this ( and one or two people may have agreed back then ;-) ). But anyone my wife would tell about the affair I am definately the bad, horrible husband ( which I certainly would be...no arguement ). I can only imagine the things my xAP tells about me to her friends. The things I put both of those women through by splitting myself up between them was a terrible, miserable thing to do to people you supposedly love. No matter what my motivations, my intentions or whatever else was going through my head I am a married man who cheated on my wife...by default that makes me a bad person in society. The worst of me was exposed in this situation and that is how I feel about the xAP. We shared too much and she meant too much for me to hate her despite her miserable handling of the breakup.

 

I had been engaged before I met my W. I had been with that woman for 7 years ( we were each others "first" ). She was similar to my xAP in many ways minus the spiteful streak. She was manic depressive and couldn't keep a job, threatened to kill herself if I left etc etc.. She ended up cheating on and left me 8 months before we were supposed to get married. I can't deny that ended up leaving some battle scars. I met my wife 2 months later ( which was probably too soon in hindsight ) and she was everything my ex wasn't. It was very hands off and I didn't need to babysit her and I really loved that breath of fresh air.

 

I felt that life had been a rollercoaster of ups and downs with my ex and then my W came along and the ride was over....and it was nice. But where my emotions had been on an up and down pattern with my ex with my W it was basically just a straight line. I never felt the highs with her that I did with my ex but I never, ever got dragged down to the lows either....so that sounded like the way to go to me.

 

Well after 7 years without those highs things did get a little boring maybe. I admit I have always been drawn to the "bad girl" who is a bit on the wild side. My wife is an "in bed by 9 on a Friday with her romance novel" type.

 

I am still friends with my ex ( she cheated and left me....but life is too short...time heals...no need to make enemies of people who meant so much to you at a time ( thus my attitude towards the xAP ). After a string of failed relationships with men she finally switched teams about 4 months back and is talking about marrying a woman she is with now. Still can't hold a job to save her life though.

 

So I think alot of what I saw in my xAP were the things I felt I had been missing for 8 years since my ex and I split. And no, before anybody asks...I am not still hung up on my ex. I gave her 7 years of my life and that was plenty....but I do still enjoy her as a friend.

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WalkInThePark
I Some will rush to say, "LEAVE THEN." But that means you give up on trying what could possilbly get much better. It is not that I long specifically for my xMM. I yearned for the emotions, the laughter and conversations, and the awesome passionate sex with my H throughout the entire A.

 

How long do you want to keep trying???

I have the impression that people here often oppose the passion of an A with the friendship of the M, and say that A has no long term perspective and that the real thing is the M.

Honestly, I think that is quite a cynical view. Why would it not be possible to have passion in a M? As a matter of fact, it's the only kind of M I want. Not some kind of mediocre, not too bad thing but really a deep bond on all levels and in all aspects (head, heart and belly).

 

One should not give up immediately but at the other hand: "life ain't no dress rehearsal". People change a lot over the years and unless you both evolve in the same direction, it does not make sense to stay together. You should be careful not to wake up one day when you are 55 or 60 and realize that you have not been as happy as you could have been.

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Hello,

 

For those of you who had affairs but chose to stay with your spouse instead of your affair partner, how do you feel about your decision? As long as you can maintain a stable, loving home for your family I don't see where it could ever be considered "the wrong choice" to stay.

 

Did any of you stay though and as badly as you wanted things to work out, as much as you knew you were doing the right thing, as much as you loved your partner ( although maybe not in love ) felt like your heart was just not cooperating with you in your decision.

 

Did you find yourself still thinking about your affair partner on a daily basis ( even though you know deep down that it wouldn't have worked out in the long term maybe ) and realize that the only way you can stay with your family and make for a happy life was just to pretend that you were happy? As long as you buried the feelings you really felt then things would "work out fine" in the long run.

 

Anybody have any insight for me on that one? Thanks for your help.

 

Give yourself some time before deciding if you are 'in love' or not. Affairs and especially ones with someone with a PD can be very addicting and alter your perception of the relationship you are in. Just as day to day life of a recover drug addict may seem "boring" without the high. I know for myself just getting off the rollercoaster was a relief in itself and I have rediscovered what it was that I loved about my M.

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Oh, and Spark...trust me...I have done much reading on Borderline personalities and sociopaths since my involvement with her. MUCH reading. I showed her ex best friend the an article on the characteristics of a sociopath and she said it sounds like my xAPs biography.

 

 

Also check out the forums about disengaging from a BPD on bpdfamily.com. It helped me greatly. You will see many stories and lots of advice from those who have been in relationships with those with personality disorders and how to remove yourself from them and get on with your life. Their disorder can make relationships with non disordered people seem boring by comparison and you have to readjust to what level of passion and adoration is healthy, because otherwise you'll just repeat the cycle with someone else after losing your family.

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I felt that life had been a rollercoaster of ups and downs with my ex and then my W came along and the ride was over....and it was nice. But where my emotions had been on an up and down pattern with my ex with my W it was basically just a straight line. I never felt the highs with her that I did with my ex but I never, ever got dragged down to the lows either....so that sounded like the way to go to me.

 

Well after 7 years without those highs things did get a little boring maybe. I admit I have always been drawn to the "bad girl" who is a bit on the wild side. My wife is an "in bed by 9 on a Friday with her romance novel" type.

 

 

So I think alot of what I saw in my xAP were the things I felt I had been missing for 8 years since my ex and I split. And no, before anybody asks...I am not still hung up on my ex. I gave her 7 years of my life and that was plenty....but I do still enjoy her as a friend.

 

This goes back to my last post, the reasons why you seek out this type of personality (and unhealthy relationship) is probably what you need to work on the most in IC, not whether you should stay or not. If you can become happy with yourself and are not looking for someone else to fill something that is missing in yourself you may not have to ask "if you should stay" as that is only a symptom.

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DestroyerOfWorlds

Woddah - considering I see you've made 6 posts in 4 months and 4 of them have been for my thread here I greatly appreciate you throwing your 2 cents in to help me out. I will definately check out your recommendations. Thank you so very much. I can definately concur that someone like that feels like a drug and it can be very hard coming off that high.

 

In a sense I kind of picture it being like a recovering alcoholic going to an AA meeting and starting a relationship with somebody there ( I mean no disrespect to any recovering alcoholics ) It's easy to meet someone there who understands you....and you have plenty to talk about...and if you fall off the wagon you can just fall off together rather than have someone try to set you straight. It may be easier and it may be fun but it isn't necessarily healthy.

 

Unfortunately empathy is something I feel I have too much of and find it very easy to blame what my xAP did on her traumatic past. I hate the thought of feeling like another person who has wronged her when the whole reason I got involved was to try to "save her". It just really eats at me. One of the things I considered when I got involved was that if my M did end up ending over this that my W has an amazing, loving family who would support her and help her and my son out. She is strong and would land on her feet and I would always be a part of my sons life....but if I left the AP then she would be alone, with no support and her only coping mechanisms are to bury her pain ( and sometimes drown it in alcohol a little too often ).

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Woddah - considering I see you've made 6 posts in 4 months and 4 of them have been for my thread here I greatly appreciate you throwing your 2 cents in to help me out. I will definately check out your recommendations. Thank you so very much. I can definately concur that someone like that feels like a drug and it can be very hard coming off that high.

 

In a sense I kind of picture it being like a recovering alcoholic going to an AA meeting and starting a relationship with somebody there ( I mean no disrespect to any recovering alcoholics ) It's easy to meet someone there who understands you....and you have plenty to talk about...and if you fall off the wagon you can just fall off together rather than have someone try to set you straight. It may be easier and it may be fun but it isn't necessarily healthy.

 

Unfortunately empathy is something I feel I have too much of and find it very easy to blame what my xAP did on her traumatic past. I hate the thought of feeling like another person who has wronged her when the whole reason I got involved was to try to "save her". It just really eats at me. One of the things I considered when I got involved was that if my M did end up ending over this that my W has an amazing, loving family who would support her and help her and my son out. She is strong and would land on her feet and I would always be a part of my sons life....but if I left the AP then she would be alone, with no support and her only coping mechanisms are to bury her pain ( and sometimes drown it in alcohol a little too often ).

 

 

I've read your post and not sure why you still feel you should help this woman.

I am an xOW and still friends with my x MM but would never do what she has done to you, I love him and it would make me the happiest woman on earth if he left his W but this woman seems to just want to hurt you.

The part that sticks out to me is that my xMM thinks just the opposite, he says I'm the strong one and thats my downfall, he will end up staying with his W because I can handle this and get over it but his W can't.

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