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Dazed-Confused

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Dazed-Confused

Hi folks,

Sorry to blow in and dump all my problems on you, but I feel like if I don't talk about this I'm going to explode. You all seem like nice sympathetic people so I hope you'll excuse my cyber toxic waste :(

 

Unfortunately, I can't talk to anyone about this IRL - all my friends are "our" friends and my family would be horrified.

 

Basically, I'm in an LTR with a guy that I've been with now for 6 years. I DO love him - but things aren't really going so well. We haven't made love for over a year (his choice) although I know he gets it on, online. He's quite physically affectionate, but that's all. I'm overweight and I have a bit of a self-image problem - I do try to be positive but when the one person who's supposed to find you attractive won't come near you, it's not easy. I have spoken to my partner about our sex life, but he doesn't really want to talk about it - he says it's not me and that may well be true - but I'm only in my thirties - that's a little young to be finding myself permanently celebate.

 

Over the last year, I've developed a very heavy crush on another of our friends. I know it's a crush and I know that it couldn't go anywhere, but it's starting to get a little obsessive - to the point where when another friend of ours expressed an interest in him, I found myself getting insanely jealous.

 

I have these little horrible fantasies about my partner getting killed or leaving me for someone else - anything that makes me the tragic sympathetic figure - and I feel disgusted and sick with myself for even thinking it - but I can't seem to stop. In addition, the guy I have the crush on is certainly not the man that appears on a white charger in my fantasies to save me - he's not romantic or anything like it - and I KNOW that.

 

I know this is ridiculous - I'm not going to leave my current partner, the other guy in question wouldn't be interested in me anyway and even if he was, I'm not the affair type. I care about both men too much to do that to them even if it was an option. I just want to get back to the way things were for all of us but I can't seem to break out of this :(

 

So that's me. Dazed and confused for so long it's not true........

 

Thanks for listening.

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You're in a long term relationship with a guy, you haven't had sex with him in a year, he get's it on with pictures and people online, you're excited about another guy and you want to STAY in this current relationship.

 

Yes, you're self image is about as low as it can be. I can't have any sympathy for somebody who has as pathetic a relationship as you do and doesn't want to do anything about it. I am one of the sympathetic people here, as you alluded to in the first line of your post, but not in your case.

 

It wouldn't take all that much effort to lose a few pounds and go find a guy who will have respect for you. But first, you have to get some respect for yourself.

 

You say you're in your 30's and not yet ready to go celebate...but you actually want to stay with this dude. I hope you get all this figured out for yourself. My take is you may be too insecure to take the chance and leave to find somebody else. If that's the case, work on it. Life's way too short.

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Hi,

 

I was in a parallel situation not long ago -- attracted to someone while I was in a problematic realtionship. While the "other" didn't amount to anything in the end, all the feelings that I felt for him (like yours, obsessively fantasizing, etc.) forced me to examine my existing realtionship and consider the options.

 

It takes a lot of strength to listen to the little voice telling you that things are wrong with your relationship. It is easy to "talk over" that little voice with louder, more enjoyable self-talk (this is where your fantasies about the other guy come in).

 

I suggest that you take the higher, more difficult raod here: forget about the other guy for now and just focus on your relationship. I don't mean focus on trying to improve it -- althoug you may want to do that as well. I mean that you should focus on whether or not this relationship is what you really want for the rest of your life. People change, including our needs for closeness and intimacy.

 

If you are finding that for the first time you have needs for normal sexual intimacy that you never had in the past -- then congratulations! You are going through personal growth!! Apparently your partner isn't with you on this journey, though, and and it sounds like he has no plans of even trying to join you.

 

So why stay in a relationship that is suppose to be set up as a romantic one, yet is really only platonic and is frustrating your normal desire for intimacy? You may have your reasons. Or not.

 

Once you've worked your way through this, and IF you end up leaving the relationship, and IF the other guy is available, then I think you should start thinking about this other guy, and any other potential suitors. You are still young.

 

Good luck.

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YOU WRITE: "You were uncharacteristically harsh with Dazed and Confused -- what's gotten into you?!?!."

 

No, actually I used a lot of restraint in my response to her and it speaks for itself. Why do people come here to talk about the terrible situations they're in and the hopelessness of them when they are unwilling to do what is necessary to get out of then?

 

I've been around the block more than just a few times and I've seen a lot of this. I know life is short. It sickens me that people will complain and stay in unhappy situations.

 

She said she was getting ready to explode...so I have just as much a right to be in the same place.

 

You obviously don't read many of my posts. The one you referred to was rather tame compared to some others I've authored.

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Dazed and Confused,

 

I have read your post twice and am sincerely concerned about your possible pattern of “addiction.” The fantasy escape you have described (boyfriend being killed) is a phenomena that is secretly shared by many who find themselves feeling trapped in situations where they can see no hope or easy escape.

 

Family members and spouses of those who are hopelessly addicted to drugs or alcohol have often revealed (somewhat shamefully) that these fleeting thoughts have crossed their minds as they see no other resolution to the downward spiral. These “fantasies” occur when an individual cannot find the inner strength to walk away from an individual or situation they realize they are longer in control of.

 

The term “addiction” does not only apply to substance abuse. One can be addicted to almost anything. Areas of addiction include, but are not limited to: gambling, sex, control, rage, food, exercise, another person, chemicals, spending, television, the Internet, smoking, rejection. Addiction is "a pathological relationship with a substance, person, thing or event which is mood-altering and which persists in spite of negative life-altering consequences."

 

Another way to ask yourself about the possibility of your being addicted to this person/relationship is: "Do I have it or does it have me?”

 

The "it" in the statement above can be anything. Compulsivity is the key factor in examining your relationship to anything or anyone in your life. Compulsion is at the root of addictive behavior. If you feel that you "must" perform a certain behavior, or “must” remain in a certain situation, in spite of knowing that you are hurting yourself and/or others and knowing full well that there will be negative consequences, you are compulsively pursuing something (or someone) to which you are likely addicted.

 

Following are some issues to consider when evaluating whether you find yourself addicted to an unhealthy relationship:

 

1. Do you find yourself keeping your relationship a secret from others? Do you go out of you way to paint a “rosy” picture to others that doesn’t exist?

 

2. Are other friends or family members concerned about your behavior and well being? Have they asked you to consider leaving your situation or perhaps seeking professional help?

 

3. Does it take more to get at the good feelings, the happiness, security and feelings of being “loved” that is present in healthy relationships? In other words, are you substituting the “high” by drinking more, eating more or perhaps fantasizing about an escape be it with another person or otherwise?

 

4. Is there a risk associated with the behavior; emotional stress, physical and mental depression? And, if so, when you think of the feelings you have when you are with this person, have these feelings and/or “risks” become an intricate part of what defines this relationship for you?

 

5. Do you use up valuable resources, e.g. time, money, energy, to pursue your relationship with this person, knowing full well that you are not behaving in ways that will enhance the health and well-being of yourself or your partner?

 

6. Do you find that you are increasing in frequency of the behavior in question?

 

7. Do you make promises to yourself that you will leave or put a halt to this downward spiral, only to find yourself continuing your behavior just as much or, probably, even more?

 

8. Do you have feelings of guilt and shame which are strong, but not powerful enough to make you leave?

 

9. Do you find that you are resentful and defensive when others ask you about your relationship?

 

10. Have you made efforts to stop, only to eventually return to the behavior?

 

11. Have there been negative legal, moral, social, financial consequences of your behavior? Have these situations embarrassed you, but still you have continued on the path?

 

12. Do you have a family history of compulsive or addictive behavior going back for generations?

 

13. Do you tell yourself that the detrimental repercussion associated with what you are doing are exaggerated by others?

 

14. Do you feel at times that you are driven to do what you do?

 

15. Do you feel “trapped” without any hope or escape?

 

16. Do you increasingly seek out the company of others who are involved in unhealthy relationships similar to yours? Or, do you increasingly seek secrecy to hide the shame you feel?

 

17. Do you find yourself making a promise that the next time will "definitely be the last time"?

 

18. Have you violated your own most strongly held beliefs and values?

 

19. Do you feel that you are not in control of your own life?

 

There are many types of addictions. If you answer "yes" to more than six of the above questions when thinking of a specific behavior you engage in, perhaps you need to look more seriously at your life.

 

The first course of action is to admit that you are out of control and are behaving in a compulsive or addictive fashion, break through your denial, and then seek help in either a 12-Step program, professional counseling, or both. There is plenty of help out there. You do not, cannot, should not try to fight this battle alone. Seek help. Do it today.

 

It is healthy to live one's life so that one is in charge. You do not want to have a relationship with any thing, chemical, person in which you feel that "it has you." The goal is for you to "have it" and to be in charge of your own life. It is not a sin or a source of shame to be addicted. Take an honest inventory of yourself and if you find you are addicted, do something about it. Admit it and seek help. A better, more satisfying life awaits you.

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Hi again, Dazed & Confused,

 

 

Well I still think Tony is snarly today, but MUCH MORE IMPORTANT is that I agree with his concerns about the unhealthy relationship that you are in. I also believe that he has your best interests at heart -- his past advice has certainly helped me. So please don't allow this tiff between Tony and me to soften any of your resolve to make the necessary but difficult changes that you already know are necessay for your own happiness.

 

Tony, I think I'll wait until next week to ask what you think of my new avatar. Have a super week-end!

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Just A Girl2

You wrote:

 

Basically, I'm in an LTR with a guy that I've been with now for 6 years. I DO love him - but things aren't really going so well. We haven't made love for over a year (his choice) although I know he gets it on, online.

 

Why do you think you put up with a guy who won't have sex with you/who "gets it on" with strangers on the net? (the latter being fairly skanky) Don't you think you deserve better? Why do you put up with being rejected like this? Your size/weight shouldn't matter....there's millions of people out there who are overweight, and their partners are still sexually attracted to them/desiring sex with them.

 

Don't you think it's fairly disrespectful of your b/f to be having cyber-sex with strangers (how does he even know their age for sure? What if they're really minors? YUCK!) instead of being intimate with YOU, his g/f of 6 long years?

 

Of course you shouldn't have to be celibate.........no matter what age or size you are.

 

I have spoken to my partner about our sex life, but he doesn't really want to talk about it - he says it's not me and that may well be true

 

Hmm..so he doesn't want to talk about it? Well how rude and insensitive and uncaring of him. Obviously it's important to YOU, so then it should be something he's willing to talk about.

 

He says it's not you? Well then what the f*ck is it about? You deserve to know the truth here.......and you deserve a man who's intimate (in real life or otherwise) with YOU and ONLY YOU. Good God, after 6 yrs this is what you get from this jerk? What about YOUR needs here?

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Dazed-Confused

Well I have to say, I was unprepared for some of the responses I got here, but I can't argue with any of them based on my original post and they certainly gave me a kick up the backside which was a) deserved and b) much needed.

 

On this basis, I forced a conversation with bf this weekend about our situation (leaving out my infatuation bit - no need to bring that up!).

 

Goes to prove what communication can do - there is a reason for the lack of sex - and it's physical. I didn't mention my partner is diabetic, but he is - it turns out that this is causing him difficulty. Erectile disfunction is a known symptom of diabetes (I come from a family of diabetics, so it's a subject I'm fairly well up on) but I had no idea that he was suffering from it - and it seems he has been suffering - a hell of a lot. Hence the internet interactions etc. He knew the lack of sex was hurting me, but he thought if he made advances and was unable to perform that it would put the tin lid on it and I'd leave him.

 

So there you have it - we're both going to the diabetic clinic next week to discuss the situation with the doc and see what can be done about it and see if we can get things back on track.

 

I didn't mention in my last post that the majority of the other areas of the relationship are fine - that was the one that really wasn't working and it was spilling over and causing problems everywhere else - he was scared, I was resentful and the whole thing just got worse from there.

 

I'd like to thank everyone for their input - in Tony's case particularly, although I don't know if it was your intention to make me so angry and determined to prove I wasn't a total wimp that I forced a confrontation ;)

 

Thanks again folks - here's hoping that this will be the road to better things. If it isn't, I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it - but at least if I do end up having to leave, I'll know that I did my best - which is one of the things that had stopped me seriously considering it before.

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Just A Girl2

Okay, I don't get this.

 

His diabetes has lead to erectile dysfunction..........but you've stated that he has cybersex........so what does he get out of the latter if he can't get it up due to erectile dysfunction? I would think if he has troubles 'getting it up', it would be NO different when having cybersex......so then why does he partake in the latter? Makes no sense.

 

And you've been with him for 6 yrs and after a year of him not having sex with you (but plenty of cybersex), he didn't feel the freedom to share with you this problem? Doesn't sound like the greatest relationship to me. I can't imagine being with someone, for even a significantly shorter period of time, and not feeling the freedom to share with them even the most difficult/intimate details of myself/my life.

 

Wow.

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