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I need an answer


Wonderbeee

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I wish someone that is not biased would give me a "YES" or a "NO" answer as to my future with my ''not yet divorced from his first wife" husband. I think I am too close to be objective or else I am in denial or delusional. Or maybe I'm all three.

I'll try and be brief.

Four years ago I went back to college after being widowed for 8years. I was struggling to pay my mortgage while raising a handicapped child. I dated and fell in love with one of my professors. We planned on getting married and made the arrangements through my place of employment. Four months before the wedding--after we told MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY--and sent out the inv. etc., he tells me he is still married to his wife of 38 years but they haven't lived together for 9 years. He promised to be divorced in time for the wedding. PS---duh.....I believed it and it didn't happen. He allegedly went to the lawyer many times but his wife is causing all the delays.

Then I find out that during our 'courtship', he had been going away to family functions with his long term lover!! When I asked him about it, first he denied it then he said it didn't count because he didn't love her like he loved me.

On the positive side--we get along great and our lives are ideal together, as he continues to "do everything he can" to get this divorce. But then I wonder about the woman before me. I often wonder if she had an ideal relationship with him too.

Am I waiting for something that will never happen?

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I think you need to separate your perfectly reasonable need/wish to have love in your life from your relationship with this man. Because I don't think the latter is going to be able to fulfill the former.

 

If his wife is balking at the divorce (and they haven't gotten one yet after nine years of separation), one should probably assume that there are unresolved issues between them. Ask yourself this: what kind of a man has such issues, and lets them go on for nearly a decade?

 

Then ask yourself this: what kind of a man somehow forgets that he's already married, and not at all on the verge of actually getting a divorce, when he asks someone else to marry him?

 

Then ask yourself this: what kind of a man hides the existence of a wife AND a long-time mistress from the woman he supposedly loves and supposedly intends to marry?

 

You already raised another important question: what does his mistress know/think about all of this? Why aren't they getting married or having a permanent, committed relationship? Is she OK with that?

 

This man does not look good from any angle. You say your day-to-day existence with him is wonderful, but if that's true it surely is only because you've got one heck of a pair of blinders on, which are somehow filtering out his blatantly duplicitous nature. I'd be willing to bet he's incredibly selfish too.

 

A) You can find better

B) Even if you can't find someone who is as good, in some ways, as this guy is you'd be better off without than with all of the monstrous flaws this man clearly has.

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I have a friend who has been separated from her husband for a number of years. They haven't divorced because of $, not any lingering feelings. That could be the case with your man. I doubt it though, because there are other, more troubling issues here.

 

What he did to you (not telling you beforehand, family trips, lying) shows a lack of respect for you and your relationship, destroyed your trust and shows a serious lack of communication.

 

The line about 'I don't love her like I love you' is a crock of @#$@. If you fall for that line, you seriously need some help.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Am I waiting for something that will never happen?

 

 

 

Sorry to say hon, but it appears that way. To me it seems as if the man has made a bad habit out of lying at your expense.

 

If it was such a perfect relationship there wouldn't be any lies.

Do you really want to stick around until he tells the next one?

 

My advise is to break it off before you really end up in a world of hurt. There is no excuse for "Oops, I forgot to tell you, I am still married".

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