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Husband cheated years ago, but just told me....anyone else with similar story?


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Old 2nd November 2009, 4:54 PM   #1
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Husband cheated years ago, but just told me....anyone else with similar story?

So I have been married for 14 years, a happy strong marriage. 2 boys....5 &8. My husband recently told me (2 months ago) that on 2 separate occasions he had kinda one night stands with 2 separate women. so one was 12 years ago and the other was 8 years ago. He has told me that both times 'his equip did not work', it was awkward and ended right away. He has been very respectful and open. He loves me, I know that, I love him, we have built a life together, I have no intention of leaving him or ending our marriage. I just feel so alone with my feelings. I feel like this is the weirdest sercumstance that no one can really relate to. It was so long ago......but it is so fresh for me. I feel a bit broken now, like I have changed as a person. My perception of my life is completely dif than what it really was. My husband was sexually abused as a child, and I know that his emotional struggles with that have had a big impact on his actions. Anyhow, I would just like to know if there is anyone else out there that can relate with me at all??????
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Old 2nd November 2009, 5:10 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriele View Post
So I have been married for 14 years, a happy strong marriage. 2 boys....5 &8. My husband recently told me (2 months ago) that on 2 separate occasions he had kinda one night stands with 2 separate women. so one was 12 years ago and the other was 8 years ago. He has told me that both times 'his equip did not work', it was awkward and ended right away. He has been very respectful and open.
Er, no...I personally don't see this.
I think he has been most disrespectful, but he wants to ease his conscience. the fact 'his equip didn't work' is neither here nor there. If it had done, he would have been screwing other women.
The big question is not what he did - but why.
What on earth was so unsettling in his marriage that made him think of even being with another woman, let alone possibly having sex with her?

TWICE - ??

Quote:
He loves me, I know that, I love him, we have built a life together, I have no intention of leaving him or ending our marriage.
Lucky chap. But you do need to think things through, so the initial shock needs to develop until you find yourself thinking straight.....

Quote:
I just feel so alone with my feelings. I feel like this is the weirdest sercumstance that no one can really relate to. It was so long ago......but it is so fresh for me.
The fact that he's only just told you, it might as well have been.
He's been living a lie for all these years, and without realising it - so have you.

Quote:
I feel a bit broken now, like I have changed as a person. My perception of my life is completely dif than what it really was.
Yes, and understand this - it will never be the same again.
You can't un-tell someone something, so you are now stuck with this new existence - and somehow, there has to be a way of learning to live with it.

Quote:
My husband was sexually abused as a child, and I know that his emotional struggles with that have had a big impact on his actions
Forgive me - please, forgive me - but this is Bull5h1t.
There are many, many abused people who do not lean on their past for justification of their present actions. if your husband were tempted to abuse YOUR children, I might see scope for doing something, and quickly. But if you are putting his past forward as any justification for what he did - then think again.
My partner suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of his extremely violent and dominating father - but he doesn't go around hitting other people....

Quote:
Anyhow, I would just like to know if there is anyone else out there that can relate with me at all??????
no. Not directly.
But I think input from others from any perspective may help you consider this from different angles....

as I said:
The question is, why did he feel he had to do this?
And why tell you now?

This is not to say that you are in any way, shape or form guilty of his desire to stray.
Because he has to step up to the plate and own that guilt. This is on him, not you, and no excuses or justifications....

But a relationship is built and supported by an equal commitment from both parties... and maybe there were issues within your relationship that he - rather than air and face them - felt could be resolved another way, for some kind of closure....only to find that actually, this was not the solution, and far from 'closing' his perceived situation, rather, 'opened up' a can of worms.....

do you see?
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Old 2nd November 2009, 5:24 PM   #3
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I'm interested in what motivated him to tell you after all of this time also?
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Old 2nd November 2009, 6:02 PM   #4
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wow, on dday, it was 8 years ago too, before we were married. but she didn't tell me...she didn't have the guts. I found out from someone that she use to be friends with that couldn't stand her. So not only when I investigated did I find out her x-friend was telling the truth, I uncovered other betrayals.

and in the end, she got a boot up the shoot.

so yes I can relate, only my love for her quickly, almost instantaneously, diminished when I found out it was the truth. she wasn't the person I loved...she was someone else.
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Old 2nd November 2009, 7:02 PM   #5
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Tara, I usually agree with your input, but this time I need to disagree.
Sexual abuse is a very valid reason for the dysfunction of this sort of action. I don't advocate cheating in ANY way, shape or form, but there are certainly cirumsances that it can be forgiven.
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Old 2nd November 2009, 7:20 PM   #6
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I admire he had the courage to tell you after all this time. No MORE SECRETS! Very good.

But it doesn't matter when it happened, YOU just found out you had been betrayed, not once, but twice by a man you loved and trusted.

You both need individual counseling --he to figure out why he did it, and you to vent about your pain--and marriage counseling to help you deal with the aftermath of this shocking news.

My husband was emotionally and physically abused as a child (not sexually) and for many years of our relationship I expected...less of him because I had such empathy for his early pain. No more.

There are many people who were abused as children that do not have affairs, drinking or gambling or drug addictions. I do not know why that is, but it is true.

So either he comes to terms with it, or he does not. But we are all adults now and it can not be used as an excuse for unacceptable behavior in our relationship. Empathy, yes, if I feel he is really working on himself and the relationship.

But as an excuse, no.
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Old 2nd November 2009, 7:21 PM   #7
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So the sexual abuse is not his excuse, but after therapy on his part(as well as some reading I have done since dd) it is clear that it did play a part in his actions. He has been in therapy for some time now and was leading up to telling me. he took part in a personal development workshop which finally gave him the strength to come clean. He said that the lie had been eating him alive, and he thought about it everyday. It is hard for me since so much time and life have passed since then. I sometimes wish I just didn't know.
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Old 2nd November 2009, 7:25 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriele View Post
So the sexual abuse is not his excuse, but after therapy on his part(as well as some reading I have done since dd) it is clear that it did play a part in his actions. He has been in therapy for some time now and was leading up to telling me. he took part in a personal development workshop which finally gave him the strength to come clean. He said that the lie had been eating him alive, and he thought about it everyday. It is hard for me since so much time and life have passed since then. I sometimes wish I just didn't know.
Sounds like he wants to be healthy.
Can you go to the therapy with him?
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Old 3rd November 2009, 2:48 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedDevil66 View Post
Tara, I usually agree with your input, but this time I need to disagree.
Sexual abuse is a very valid reason for the dysfunction of this sort of action. I don't advocate cheating in ANY way, shape or form, but there are certainly cirumsances that it can be forgiven.
I never said it was a reason. I said it wasn't an excuse. There's a difference.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spark1111 View Post
There are many people who were abused as children that do not have affairs, drinking or gambling or drug addictions. I do not know why that is, but it is true.

So either he comes to terms with it, or he does not. But we are all adults now and it can not be used as an excuse for unacceptable behavior in our relationship. ......

But as an excuse, no.
This was my point.

First of all, I am neither implying nor suggesting that this is what the husband has done.
We do not have his input, merely his wife's and as the OP she has clarified above.
It played a part, but wasn't an excuse.
Again, it isn't an excuse, but a reason.....

There are many abusers who put forward the excuse that they are abusive themselves, because of their past...."I can't help it, it happened to me...."

This is tommyrot.
Everybody is in free control of their actions.

So, whilst I am happy to discuss this as a factor in this situation, as the OP has expanded, I cannot accept that previous sexual experience is any foundation for excusing current behaviour.

The bottom line is that he willingly sought sexual gratification elsewhere.
Nobody MADE him do it, nobody stood by him and forced him to do this.
All it takes to NOT do it, is a simple 'no'.... a conscious, moral decision that an action is wrong.
He knows it, hence the guilt.
He knew it then, too, but he still tried it.
As I said, the fact that apparently, sexual coupling failed at some point, is completely immaterial and irrelevant.

He willingly decided to cheat on his wife.
Now, past experience may be a factor - but the fact is, he did it twice.

he very likely felt ashamed and guilty after the first occasion - but then, lo and behold - he tries again! 4 years apart.....

So whilst I understand the factor about being sexually abused rearing its head - I think there are other issues - which perhaps are more poignant and relevant - which could do to be examined.

In actions and decisions, never look beyond yourself for reasons.
The answer and responsibility - lies at your feet.

('Your' generic, not 'your' specific.)
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Old 4th November 2009, 1:09 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriele View Post
He said that the lie had been eating him alive, and he thought about it everyday. It is hard for me since so much time and life have passed since then. I sometimes wish I just didn't know.
Yeah -- I don't really have a firm opinion on whether or not he should have told you now. He probably should have told you then, but he didn't. I guess it's good that this hidden truth MAY no longer prevent him from feeling close to you. But are you going to be able to feel close to him?

I don't really know whether he will now stop thinking about it everyday, but surely you will be thinking about it. Probably obsessively.

Once you find about your partner's infidelity, you think about it everyday -- some days you can't even get a free hour from it -- and that's kind of the "hitch" for me in the whole full disclosure thing. I mean, yes, I think it's better for people to know. But the WS has an obligation to make sure they are not just unburdening on the BS for their own relief and that they have a moral obligation to walk with their partner every step of the way as they process the betrayal and to unequivocally prioritize the needs of the BS during this time.

I think you should tell him that he owes you that.
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Old 4th November 2009, 1:22 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedDevil66 View Post
Sounds like he wants to be healthy.
Can you go to the therapy with him?
Best answer in thread. I admire the guy for coming clean, although yes it was more likely due to guilt than anything else.

I also admire you for wanting to work through this. Isolated incidents are different than ongoing affairs.

Do you still trust him? Can you again?
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Old 4th November 2009, 5:24 PM   #12
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I feel kinda like I am breaking a confidence but I am going to post an email that my dh wrote me right after he told me... it kinda lets you know a bit into why he told me and how he feels...

I cannot even begin to apologize for what i have done in my past. I cannot believe what i have done. You are very angry , hurt, crushed , and i dont know where to begin.
I am not that man anymore. I am not that man, please understand that. I think we have the strength to move through this, i just hope you will come to see this also after the hard pain stops. it breaks my heart to have hurt someone that means sooo much to me, which i know you dont care that it breaks my heart also.
I have made some iceberg mistakes and we hit them head on. I chose to finally tell you because I want to be as true to you as you have been to me.
I love you, please dont put that into question. I find myself sitting here terrified over how hurt you are, how i hurt you, our marriage, our boys..... I want to tell you that it has never been your fault, it was all mine. I have always waited for you to hurt me, not the other way around. I learned to trust from you, yet i am the one that destroyed the trust. I have learned to love from you, yet now you question it.
I am solid in you. I want no other person in this life, ever. I have made the mistakes and I know forgiveness is nowhere in your vocabulary right now, i just hope that you allow us to fight. I would really like it if we could go to a councelor right away. I cannot imagine putting our boys through this (i know it was me that is doing it) I have spent the last eight years working on myself, battling those demons, trying to truly find the solid man i am.. this was the last step.. i need to be solid and true to you. I am a good man, I am a good father, I have not been a good husband, but I will spend the rest of my life if you allow me to show you how much you mean to me.
I am forever open to you.... I am completely and totally in love with you...... I am truly truly sorry.
Please lets talk, please..........


You see, I don't want to defend him and certainly NOT what he did... but this email is how he feels about me, and I know that, and I don't fear that he will stray again... maybe thats foolish, but he has done alot of work on himself since then. And, even though I had no idea of the 'affairs' I have spent the past years working on our marriage. What is hard for me...I know that if I was hit with something like this now, or then (what I mean is...told or found out right away, when it happened) I would not be able to stay, that would be the end, but since I did not know, and was told so many years later......it took away my choice. So many years later... I have questions and he tells me what he remembers but somethings there has just been to much time......and each incident was one time.. I just wish I could go back in time to replay all that was going on in my life at that time, how he was towards me after (mostly for the second time i wonder). He has been respectful and seemingly open with disclosing details, but you know after the first few weeks when I bombarded him, I have a hard time wrecking every single day with a new question that pops into my head. Also because it was so long ago...it feels almost stupid to make such a big deal about it (even though, I know I have every right to make a big deal out of it). I also feel stupid because I know that there are people who I feel have experieced worse hurt ( I think that's bad english!) I think that long time affairs are likely harder to deal with...I don't know, I just know that the thought of my dh touching someone else makes me sick, one time or 100. I wish there was someone who could relate with my weird circumstance of not finding out for so long, but I guess every situation si so different and complex in itself.
It's like bizzarro world..........If you knew my dh and me....you would never guess...people who don't know me but know my dh..meet me and tell me about things he says about me......how much he loves me and our family.....before knowing this, I never would have guessed, he is the (was the) perfect husband, I was so lucky, I had the man that others dreamed about, I had the marriage that love stories and movies portray...and that has been shattered for me. I hate that movies or shows that have infidelity will now make me want to vomit.....jokes with friends will now make me painfully uncomfortable. Just everything seems different regardless of how much we love eachother. I don't want to leave him, forsure not, I just want my old marriage back....I want myself back, I was innocent and unhurt, I don't like being broken. I guess there is noone here who wears rose colored glasses anymore.
I appreciate this site, and all the reponses....I respect that everyone has different opinions, and they are filtered through your own hurt and experience....I welcome them all.
I think I am babbling.......Its just nice to have a place to come and 'talk', like I said, I can't wreck everyday with this.....for me, not for him.
I should stop now...thanks for all the replies
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Old 4th November 2009, 5:35 PM   #13
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gabrielle, I don't have time to write much to you right now but all your feelings are justified and completely understandable. I hope you get some good advice and support here...

I think your H is trying hard to do the right thing and has realized some hard facts about himself. Didn't you say he was in IC and this was part of want prompted him to tell you? Why did he go to IC?

((hugs)) It will get easier with time, I promise! At least you know that your H has been faithful ever since-at least I think this is the case based on your posts-so, in a way he is already proving or has proved that he can be trustworthy and faithful again. And this is something in your favor. For those of us here who have found out about more recent infidelities from our spouses (my husband's was last year), our spouses still have to continue to prove themselves. It appears your husband has already done/is doing this for some time now.
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Old 4th November 2009, 5:47 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriele View Post
I think I am babbling.......Its just nice to have a place to come and 'talk', like I said, I can't wreck everyday with this.....for me, not for him.
I should stop now...thanks for all the replies
One irony is that the fix for this is no different than if the ONS was last night instead of a decade ago. You need to be in MC together, where your voice can be heard and your very real feelings can be expressed. I hope you don't gloss this over due to the delayed nature of the timing. You said this which I thought was telling:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriele View Post
What is hard for me...I know that if I was hit with something like this now, or then (what I mean is...told or found out right away, when it happened) I would not be able to stay, that would be the end, but since I did not know, and was told so many years later......it took away my choice.
Don't let your "choice" be taken away again. Your reaction is no less real and your options no less profound due to the lapse in time...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th November 2009, 5:53 PM   #15
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Mr. Lucky's right - and it's as I said in my first post - it actually doesn't matter that this was years ago, for the pain you feel it might as well have been yesterday.
The time might have lapsed for him, but for you the wound is fresh, raw and new.
8 years ago, or 8 days - it's still pain.
You have a right to have that recognised and acknowledged.
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