To confront, or not to confront without undeniable proof?

[No first names]

I've decided I don't need proof to confront my H about my suspicions about him. Proof is for lawyers and judges, and I don't plan to get to that point. I think he's enjoying some attention from a young, fun-loving co-worker, but I don't think anything has happened. At most I'm thinking it's an EA, and I think with counseling we could work through those issues. I imagine he'll deny it and call me all sorts of names in the process. So, I'm torn on whether to do it when we're alone or infront of a counselor? OR, since I know he won't admit it, should I even bother confronting him at all?

 

I feel like it's a no win situation. On one hand, I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of being lied to if he doesn't acknowledge what I know in my heart. And on the other hand, things are likely to take a turn for the worst if I confront him without proof. He's so deep in denial I think he's convinced himself that there isn't anything to admit to. And he could use my accusations to take his "friendship" to the next level...couldn't he?

 

I'm leaning toward holding the confrontation in the presence of a counselor, but the problem with that is that I've NEVER revealed to him that I know (or suspect) WHO he's involved with. I've been holding that ace up my sleeve incase I needed it later. My only reason for keeping that piece of info to myself was so he would feel free to talk about this person around me. I'm going to have to tell him that, and I'm afraid he'll use it against me to justify his actions to himself. Does that make sense?

 

I would greatly appreciate any advice on which way to go with this. Thanks!

[2sure]

First, a MC is not a referee or a forum for D-Day. If you go in with that, you are going to be disappointed.

 

But, I applaud you for not feeling like you have to be the one to find concrete black and white evidence that there is an affair, that you are being betrayed. You dont need it.

 

Tell him: I am unhappy, uncomfortable and anxious. I love you but our marriage is in serious trouble. I feel that you are not being honest with me and we have to solve this problem now. Show me I am wrong.

 

Affairs require communication. You need his cell phone records, his email passwords.

 

If this is not forthcoming immediately, he has not proved he is being honest , he has proved without a doubt he is being dishonest.

 

End of conversation. Tell him that unfortunately, he is going to need a lawyer unless he can prove he is honest.

 

No questions. No debate. Nada. YOU havent done a thing wrong.

[65tr6]

I've been holding that ace up my sleeve incase I needed it later. My only reason for keeping that piece of info to myself was so he would feel free to talk about this person around me.

 

OP, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. DONT confront yet.

 

1) Is the co-worker married ? have a boy friend ?

2) how are they communicating ? Phone, texting, email ? Can you install a keylogger ?

 

Snoop. Gather all the evidence you can. And then in fell swoop you confront/expose the same day.

 

I'm going to have to tell him that, and I'm afraid he'll use it against me to justify his actions to himself. Does that make sense?

 

Totally. that's what waywards do.

 

How long have you been married ? Do you have any kids ? Why in the world are you still seeing a MC when you very well know it is a complete sham ?

 

As a BS you have very little tools to work with. Use them wisely.

[No first names]

I don't think she's married. Don't know about the boyfriend piece. Besides the fact that they spend all day at work with each other, I suspect he's using ICQ.com to communicate. I found a profile for her on there...with my DOB!!! I don't even know what to think about that. I know that's not her b-day. Her's was earlier this year.

 

We've been together more than 15 years, and we do have small children. I haven't agreed to counseling yet because I wasn't sure his heart was still in it...know what I mean?

[misternoname]

In my opinion having some proof (not necessarily undeniable proof) is needed prior to a confrontation. In his defense, what if he is completely innocent? A false accusation can be devastating to a relationship. If you can at the very least prove that an inappropriate relationship is occurring you'll have a better position to put an end to the nonsense or move on with a clean conscious.

 

When I confronted my ex with enough facts that something fishy was going on the truth rapidly followed. I would have felt terrible had I accused her of having an affair when in reality she was innocent...unfortunately I was spot on correct...but that's a whole different story :-(

[fooled once]

I've decided I don't need proof to confront my H about my suspicions about him. Proof is for lawyers and judges, and I don't plan to get to that point. I think he's enjoying some attention from a young, fun-loving co-worker, but I don't think anything has happened. At most I'm thinking it's an EA, and I think with counseling we could work through those issues. I imagine he'll deny it and call me all sorts of names in the process. So, I'm torn on whether to do it when we're alone or infront of a counselor? OR, since I know he won't admit it, should I even bother confronting him at all?

 

I feel like it's a no win situation. On one hand, I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of being lied to if he doesn't acknowledge what I know in my heart. And on the other hand, things are likely to take a turn for the worst if I confront him without proof. He's so deep in denial I think he's convinced himself that there isn't anything to admit to. And he could use my accusations to take his "friendship" to the next level...couldn't he?

 

I'm leaning toward holding the confrontation in the presence of a counselor, but the problem with that is that I've NEVER revealed to him that I know (or suspect) WHO he's involved with. I've been holding that ace up my sleeve incase I needed it later. My only reason for keeping that piece of info to myself was so he would feel free to talk about this person around me. I'm going to have to tell him that, and I'm afraid he'll use it against me to justify his actions to himself. Does that make sense?

 

I would greatly appreciate any advice on which way to go with this. Thanks!

 

IMHO - unless you got proof, why would he admit it.

 

You aren't 100% sure he has done anything; so until you do, I would not say anything.

[RedDevil66]

I found prove of my BF flirting on line. I installed keylogger read his emails and FB. There was no proof of any cheating and I read emails and FB entries that were 3 yrs old.

But I've still been struggling with mistrust because my gut tells me to.

 

I took the info I had to couples therapy and confronted him there. There was no point. He was just mad and denied.

 

The ONLY way to know is to snoop.

Installed a free download of a keylogger on your pc.

[JumpinJimmy]

I agree with the majority of the posters here...you need more info....cell phones records, key logger, put and IPhone with the gps in his car etc.If they are getting into an EA, they will not be able to contain to their communication to work only and it will seep out into outside of work contact. If you confront him without enough info I see 4 things that can result

a. It can blow up in your face and your H could turn it around and start gaslighting you and gain more time and justification (to him) to establish the EA.

b. Indicate that you could be reading into something that is not there and start a fight by looking insecure,controlling, and paranoid.

c. That he is already nvolved and will only deny it.

 

All 3 are negative, with number 2 being a minor problem, and very little to gain.

Edited October 23, 2009 by JumpinJimmy

[Dexter Morgan]

DO NOT confront until you have something concrete. Otherwise he will now know you are on to him and will just cover his tracks really well. And then you may never get any proof.

[2sure]

The whole freaking proof thing.

 

I completely get the need for it just because you want to prove to yourself that you arent crazy.

 

But for cheaters, the deny deny type - it seems there is no proof that is undeniable or inexplicable.

 

I feel like ...I'm an intelligent stable adult. If I think you are cheating on me, then prove to me that you are not. A cheater telling me I'm imagining things are just words, they dont require ME to prove I'm not crazy. Its not MY freaking burden. I didnt suddenly take this single part of my life and lose control of my intelligence and stability.

 

I will never ever again require proof of anyone making me feel like crap.

[No first names]

Reply was off subject. Will start a new thread.

Edited October 26, 2009 by No first names
off subject

[RedDevil66]

The whole freaking proof thing.

 

I completely get the need for it just because you want to prove to yourself that you arent crazy.

 

But for cheaters, the deny deny type - it seems there is no proof that is undeniable or inexplicable.

 

I feel like ...I'm an intelligent stable adult. If I think you are cheating on me, then prove to me that you are not. A cheater telling me I'm imagining things are just words, they dont require ME to prove I'm not crazy. Its not MY freaking burden. I didnt suddenly take this single part of my life and lose control of my intelligence and stability.

 

I will never ever again require proof of anyone making me feel like crap.

 

This is an interesting concept, how would this work?

 

My Bf tries to make me out as crazy cause I now lost trust, which ticks me off because I am one the most trusting people. He knows what he did to earn this yet, still tries to make me feel like the loonie!

[fatamus]

The whole freaking proof thing.

 

I completely get the need for it just because you want to prove to yourself that you arent crazy.

 

But for cheaters, the deny deny type - it seems there is no proof that is undeniable or inexplicable.

 

I feel like ...I'm an intelligent stable adult. If I think you are cheating on me, then prove to me that you are not. A cheater telling me I'm imagining things are just words, they dont require ME to prove I'm not crazy. Its not MY freaking burden. I didnt suddenly take this single part of my life and lose control of my intelligence and stability.

 

I will never ever again require proof of anyone making me feel like crap.

 

 

Its one of those lessons everyone has to learn for themselves. Once it happens one time that’s enough from now on if my gut tells me there is some shady sh*t behind my back I am dropping that person and forgetting about it. First time around you always have the “what if’s” and you WANT to believe the cheater to try to salvage the relationship. Thing is that even when you know 100% and you have the proof it still doesn’t meant the cheater will find the courage to fess up once you confront him/her. Some people will deny deny deny no matter what even when they know you know they will still deny. You catch them red handed over and over and they still make up a story after story and excuse after an excuse, honestly I don’t know how people can live with so many lies. The other thing you have to watch for is the sudden shift of guilt once the cheater realizes that the game is over. The cheater feels mad because you figured it out and now they are trying to make you look like the bad guy bringing past issues, making you feel like you are responsible for the cheating, etc. Get your proof, confront once if the person fesses up then go from there is the person still acts in denial just move on, it’s a lost cause.

[fatamus]

One more thing, if you hear "i am not the cheating type" "i dont have a cheating bone in my body" "i will never cheat" etc... don't believe any of that jibba jabba all lies.

[JumpinJimmy]

If I think you are cheating on me, then prove to me that you are not. [/QUOTe]

 

Wow, I can just imagine the open ended arguments over that one.

[turnstone]

The only proof you need that the relationship needs fixing is the fact that you, as part of that relationship, feel bad about it. If you want more proof that the relationship is bust in someway, his reluctance to heal it will be all you need.