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Beside myself: long lost love found and lost


mareile

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Beside myself: long lost love found and lost

I have been in, what for me has been a very difficult marriage of 22 yrs as my husband was very verbally abusive and controlling, and we are so different in so many ways. It was at its worst when the children were young and he was the sole provider. It is amazing how the control dynamics are affected by who contributes to the family income and how much.

 

The first decade or so of our marriage was a huge struggle for me, but over the past 11 yrs. I have come to accept things as they are and make the best of it. I have gone to great lengths to keep the peace, especially with children involved, though they are older now, especially through compromising and conflict avoidance on my part. This is a marriage that, I believe, would have ended long ago if I did not have the inherent personality I do.

 

With age he has mellowed, and things have been peaceful in the past few years.

 

Meanwhile I had sought fulfillment in other areas of my life - religion, career, hobbies, etc. and was doing so well, despite a recent medical event that caused me to go blind in one eye at age 50, I believe, due to the chronic stress and perhaps breathing in second-hand smoke for so long as well.

 

In the months after the event I made lifestyle changes (related to diet and exercise) and lost weight, enabling me to feel okay about my health, and even my self-image again. I was enjoying life again, and savoring the late summer and early fall season, my favorite time of year - Aug/Sept.

 

In September I was contacted on classmates.com by a former love... someone I had met and dated for a year when I was 22. He was 23. I was the one who broke it off initially, not for any reason other than I had started a four-year nursing program and felt the need at that time to concentrate fully on my studies. I later regretted this, missing him, once I was established and doing well in my studies. But by then it was too late, as he had already met someone else, who would come to be his marriage partner, for 20 yrs.

 

His wife had extramarital affairs and was upfront about them, and eventually wanted out of the marriage -the divorce was sought by her. He was devastated, but by now (a month ago) it had been 5 yrs. later, and he felt ready to move on.

 

I got an innocent "thinking about you" message through classmates, with an email address. He may have been involved in other relationship-searching activities as well, though I don't know.

 

We emailed, we reminisced, we met for coffee, there was one phone call. He had sent me something he had written about his marriage for a church group encounter - in it he spoke of how in love with her he was, how hurt he was... how love turned to hate. It affected me in such a deep and cutting way - seeing the love I could have had and missed, not understanding how she could have done this to so good a man - how he did not deserve it. (He even step-fathered her daughter who was 5 when they married, and now is raising the teenage daughter of the daughter had at age 16, alone, without even his ex's involvement in the girl's life.)

 

I was emotionally overcome and wrote back telling him how I had regretted letting him go, how I did love him (back then), and still did. How I had missed him over the years.

 

He did say that looking back he wished he could have had more patience with me in giving me space when I started college... but aside from that he was very restrained, with me being married. I feel he is stronger than me because I don't know where this could have ended up. One way I restrained myself was in mentioning religion, How I had found peace in rocky times through God.

 

But through this time, I became overwhelmed with emotion. It was as if this magical time of love was locked up in some box and put up on a shelf, but when that box reopened through our contact - it all came to life again as if it were yesterday... that time with him. I was in love all over again. But it was so hard, wondering each time I opened my email again - would a message from him be there?

 

It became excruciating...this feeling of knowing I would have to lose him again... while at the same time I was overwhelmed with guilt each time I saw my husband's face. He doesn't know anything, and cannot. My life was (with all innocence on J.'s part) thrown into inner turmoil and conflict. I had never had an affair in 22 yrs of marriage. My husband had online affairs, and I believe possibly IRL as well, but It didn't devastate me or cause me to take any action, the way it happens for so many. A part of me knew I wasn't providing everything he needed. I was worn down and emotionally and physically distant, a lot of the time.

 

The contact with the other man did end, 5 days ago. We both knew it was wrong, and the potential for hurt and turmoil it can cause. J. was on the other end of this, at one time. He initially told me he'd like to stay in touch, but that he didn't want to cause any problems (in my marriage).

 

At this time I am going through the lost love, all over again. It is extremely hard and stressful.

 

My husband probably didn't deserve the emotional divorce that occurred long ago - he was just insecure related to his own past issues - and yelling was what he learned in his own home as a child. He didn't know that each screaming episode, would add another brick to the wall. He didn't know, that I had a love in my past either. He has loved me in what ways he could. I feel sad for him. I feel sad for J., who lost his marriage partner, who lost my love, back then, and perhaps now as well (he did not reveal his feelings). I feel sad for me as well, who foolishly threw away real love, so long ago.

 

The were many songs over the years that strung the cords of my heart in his memory - Gentle on my Mind, the Stardust compilation by W. Nelson. He knew I liked that album, we used to listen to it at a friends house back then. The one time we met recently, he gave me W. Nelson's newest compilation, American Classic.

 

The guilt, the lost love.

 

This recovery will be very hard.

Edited by mareile
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If you want to remain married, you need to end ALL contact with your past lover/affair partner now. Meaning no more stay in touch as friends.

Edited by bluegreen12
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When are women gonna learn? Do you honestly believe that this guy found you via internet to innocently talk and then all of these emotional things just came out? There is only one reason why a guy searches for his ex girlfriend online and tells her how miserable his life is, its because he is looking for an sympathy(which he knows may lead to an affair). Trust me this isn't over, he will continue to contact you and then he will want to meet "just as friends" even if you two live far away from each other, then he will throw the line out about how he has never felt this way and he is worried about hurting other people.

 

You have to remember that all of these great and sad things he said about himself, came from him. The true story is far from the truth. He is using the sympathy card to reel you in. Don't fall for this. Please ask yourself out of everyone why is he pouring this out on you.

 

He will contact you again saying something about how he "can't stay away but feels very bad".

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Trust me this isn't over, he will continue to contact you

 

I really didn't believe this when I read it, and was surprised to find an email after 6 days of what I thought would be from then on, NC. I do know the things he said about his former marriage were true though. I think the worst thing he did (and it was more sacrificial than anything) was to work nights so that she could work days in order for someone to take care of the child (now a teenager) during the day.

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Do you honestly believe that this guy found you via internet to innocently talk and then all of these emotional things just came out? There is only one reason why a guy searches for his ex girlfriend online and tells her how miserable his life is, its because he is looking for an sympathy(which he knows may lead to an affair). Trust me this isn't over, he will continue to contact you and then he will want to meet "just as friends" even if you two live far away from each other, then he will throw the line out about how he has never felt this way and he is worried about hurting other people.

 

You have to remember that all of these great and sad things he said about himself, came from him. The true story is far from the truth. He is using the sympathy card to reel you in. Don't fall for this. Please ask yourself out of everyone why is he pouring this out on you.

 

He will contact you again saying something about how he "can't stay away but feels very bad".

 

Very good advice here.

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When are women gonna learn?

 

mareile,

 

You are being "PLAYED" ... and you've swallowed his matyr BS hook, line and sinker. Middle aged women have a terrible tendency of "believing" anything that boosts their self-image and reinforces their romantic fantasies.

 

J. was on the other end of this, at one time. He initially told me he'd like to stay in touch, but that he didn't want to cause any problems (in my marriage).

 

This particular quote comes straight from the predatory OM playbook to make himself seem less of a letch and make you think of him in chivalrous terms.

 

Why in the hell do you think he originally reached out to an old flame (NOW MARRIED WOMAN) and pour out his heart, if not to reconnect PHYSICALLY with you??? NOW ... he's just waiting on YOU to reestablish contact and then its FULL GAME ON!!!

 

OPEN your eyes and see this LOSER for what he truly is ... A PREDATOR preying on the unfulfilled emotions of middle aged women for HIS OWN benefit!!!

 

Quit RE-WRITING your own marital history and take a long hard look at the MAN that has faithfully loved and provided for you and your children for 22 years ... and THEN go out and smash the damn Willie Nelson CD into a million pieces!!!

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I really didn't believe this when I read it, and was surprised to find an email after 6 days of what I thought would be from then on, NC. I do know the things he said about his former marriage were true though. I think the worst thing he did (and it was more sacrificial than anything) was to work nights so that she could work days in order for someone to take care of the child (now a teenager) during the day.

 

What are you going to do? Are you going to respond? Did you already?

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theBrokenMuse

 

Quit RE-WRITING your own marital history and take a long hard look at the MAN that has faithfully loved and provided for you and your children for 22 years ...

 

Please stop projecting and telling every woman that you advise that they are rewriting their marriages. While this may be breaking news to you, there are plenty of human beings in the world, both men and women who make terrible partners and/or awful parents. There are plenty of people in the world that are emotionally stunted, manipulative, cruel, callous, self serving, cold or outright sociopathic and many of them do end up in relationships at some point.

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mareile,

 

You are being "PLAYED" ... and you've swallowed his matyr BS hook, line and sinker. Middle aged women have a terrible tendency of "believing" anything that boosts their self-image and reinforces their romantic fantasies.

 

Churchbells, I didn't realize you were a woman...is this why you are sure that middle-aged women tend to 'believe' anything a potential OM says, like you mention above? How do you possibly know this? Quite possibly, you are projecting from your own situation.

 

No one on LS knows anything about the OP on this thread. Please, let's not make assumptions about her or her behavior unless she tells us differently.

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OP, when i read through your first part of the story, I was hoping you would end on a different note. Alas, it wasnt ! Same as any other....How you married the wrong person, different person altogether, never meant to be together and then you threw in the affair piece towards the end.

 

Yet another woman in an emotional love with OM. It seems like a routine now a days.

 

I an sorry that you put up with an abusive and controlling husband. However, you think the responsibility of fixing that behavior lies with him alone ? Have you ever given him an ultimatum or better, communicated to him in a lovely tone that you wont put up with his behavior anymore ? He changes or else....?

 

Look what happened has happened. First you confess to your husband then send an NC note to OM (never to contact you again and that you are recommitting to your husband). You cannot do this on your own. You have checked out of your marriage several years ago. It is impossible to recover the marriage on your own without total openess and honesty. Use this as a wake up call and start a new chapter with your husband.

 

I see you coming here and posting as a very very positive sign.

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Please stop projecting and telling every woman that you advise that they are rewriting their marriages. While this may be breaking news to you, there are plenty of human beings in the world, both men and women who make terrible partners and/or awful parents.

 

If course there are "terrible partners" ... those are the ones you DIVORCE, rather than starting up an A to fill alleged unmet needs. Somewhere, THIS OP needs to accept the consequences of her actions in CHOOSING or CREATING this "terrible partner". The current status of her M didn't occur in a vacuum without her participation.

 

This may be breaking news to you, but the claims of MW in ongoing A's lack credibility when describing the current status of their M's. Experience tells us that it is VERY LIKELY that her BH is not nearly as bad as she claims, nor is her OM nearly as chivalrous as she sees him.

 

There are plenty of people in the world that are emotionally stunted, manipulative, cruel, callous, self serving, cold or outright sociopathic and many of them do end up in relationships at some point.

 

... and many of them do end up in AFFAIRS at some point.

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mareile,

Middle aged women have a terrible tendency of "believing" anything that boosts their self-image and reinforces their romantic fantasies.

 

.....

 

.... preying on the unfulfilled emotions of middle aged women for HIS OWN benefit!!!!

 

Are middle aged women now the only ones with unfulfilled emotions and romantic fantasies?

 

And as far as fantasy, the OM is a lost love, someone I once knew very well, years before the marriage.

 

I never went out wandering, looking for new love. It's something that was already there in the past. Maybe that's why its so hard to shake... the memories are there.

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theBrokenMuse
If course there are "terrible partners" ... those are the ones you DIVORCE, rather than starting up an A to fill alleged unmet needs.

Apparently, you have some trouble with reading comprehension or perhaps you are just more comfortable attacking strawmen but what I wrote has NOTHING to do with infidelity. In fact, you offered the same exact 'history rewriting' spiel to a woman who was simply discussing leaving her husband (not cheating) and were practically outright accusing her of lying in order to justify leaving to herself. So obviously this isn't just something you offer up for 'cheaters' but anyone in general who complains that they have a horrible spouse at home. It doesn't take a psyche degree to see you are projecting and are being openly hostile as you do it.

Somewhere, THIS OP needs to accept the consequences of her actions in CHOOSING or CREATING this "terrible partner". The current status of her M didn't occur in a vacuum without her participation.

Yeah, people do choose bad partners. Sometimes people are naive, or foolish, or tricked into thinking they found gold when it's really just an old spray painted piece of dung. So, what's the point? Are you alluding to the idea that choosing a crappy partner somehow negates that crappy partner's future actions or do you buy into the old canard that both people are equally to blame for a bad marriage even when the reality is that one person behaves in a healthy productive way in the relationship and tries to make it flourish while the other one behaves in a destructive and completely counterproductive manner? By the way, I think that anyone

who has ended up with a bad partner HAS faced consequences for it - living with a sub par partner!

 

This may be breaking news to you, but the claims of MW in ongoing A's lack credibility when describing the current status of their M's. Experience tells us that it is VERY LIKELY that her BH is not nearly as bad as she claims

And statistics show us that there are lots of false rape accusations, so obviously the logical thing to do is then work on the assumption that all rape victims are liars until they can prove the legitimacy of their case, right?

Edited by theBrokenMuse
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just avoid this guy, he will try to feed off of your emotional needs. Soon he will be telling you that he has never felt this way about a woman.

 

 

He is looking for sex

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I do know what it feels like when your emotions die in a marriage. Sometimes you can work on this and rekindle. Sometimes you both together need to agree to end it and walk away.

 

You did do the right thing though. Ending contact with him now is the best thing for you. Yes - it stirred a lot of emotions within you on what might have been. It will be hard, but you are going to be better for it.

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Huh, interesting. Given that he's bleating to a married woman via the internet, he's either a predator or a pathetic douche.

 

So, OP, when you consider what "might've been," maybe you ought to consider what it "might've been" like to grow old with a predator or a pathetic douche.

 

Perhaps that will take some of the sting out of this.

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And as far as fantasy, the OM is a lost love, someone I once knew very well, years before the marriage.

 

I never went out wandering, looking for new love. It's something that was already there in the past. Maybe that's why its so hard to shake... the memories are there.

 

mareile,

 

Just to clear this up ... was the OM someone who you had been pining away for over the years? ... or was he rarely thought of, until he reestablished contact with you recently?

 

Based on the above response from you, I'm a little confused over just how much emphasis is being given to these "memories" you speak of.

 

I still don't see you owning up to your part in the marital breakdown. From my perspective, you appear to be giving the "classic" re-writing of marital history, where you blameshift EVERYTHING onto your BH, while accepting none of the responsibility for the breakdown of your M yourself.

 

If my assumptions are wrong, please clarify!!!

 

Also, from your responses, you appear to be assigning a "specialness" to this relationship &/or OM, hence my use of the term "fantasies".

 

However, from what you have described to this point, this is nothing more than the way TYPICAL EA's begin that evolve into lying, cheating, marriage ending PHYSICAL AFFAIRS that are posted about here and on other boards daily ... FAR from SPECIAL.

 

If your BH is truly as bad as you claim, then proceed directly to divorce court ... THEN, explore your new/old relationship with OM. I don't care how bad you think he is ... NO MAN ... deserves to be humiliated the way you are about to HUMILIATE him, and if you think he had bad qualities before ... just wait till you light this fuse ... you have NO IDEA what may be destroyed in the explosion to come, including you &/or OM.

 

Keep up the way you're going, and you will give up the moral high ground to your "terrible partner", who will then come out of this M with his reputation intact, while you are labelled as the UNTRUSTWORTHY CHEATER, who would abandon her family to pursue her own selfishness.

 

THINK about it!!!

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mareile,

 

Just to clear this up ... was the OM someone who you had been pining away for over the years? ...

 

Yes, but knowing he married 20 yrs ago, the thoughts and feelings I had for him went into repression... just buried under, not realizing how alive they still actually were, until I heard from him, with him no longer being married.

 

 

 

 

I still don't see you owning up to your part in the marital breakdown. From my perspective, you appear to be giving the "classic" re-writing of marital history, where you blameshift EVERYTHING onto your BH, while accepting none of the responsibility for the breakdown of your M yourself.

 

If my assumptions are wrong, please clarify!!!

 

I've done a lot of introspection about the M and yes, I do acknowledge responsibility for problems in the M as well as H. About 10 yrs ago I remember calling a marriage counselor, and he said he would only be able to help me if we both came. My H is someone who I don't believe would ever agree to counseling...does not want to believe anything is wrong. He had As - I forgave him knowing I was partly to blame... the reasons are complex.

 

 

 

 

However, from what you have described to this point, this is nothing more than the way TYPICAL EA's begin that evolve into lying, cheating, marriage ending PHYSICAL AFFAIRS that are posted about here and on other boards daily ... FAR from SPECIAL.

 

If your BH is truly as bad as you claim, then proceed directly to divorce court ... THEN, explore your new/old relationship with OM. I don't care how bad you think he is ... NO MAN ... deserves to be humiliated the way you are about to HUMILIATE him, and if you think he had bad qualities before ... just wait till you light this fuse ... you have NO IDEA what may be destroyed in the explosion to come, including you &/or OM.

 

Keep up the way you're going, and you will give up the moral high ground to your "terrible partner", who will then come out of this M with his reputation intact, while you are labelled as the UNTRUSTWORTHY CHEATER, who would abandon her family to pursue her own selfishness.

 

THINK about it!!!

 

Have been. I know I've been in a danger zone and that is why I joined LS over the weekend. There is a great internal struggle going on. I appreciate the advice I've been receiving here (everyone) and think that the overpowering emotions may have come down a notch, but I'm not out of the woods yet.

 

As far as coming clean with my H... I don't know if its possible to do with someone who is prone to outbursts and owns a gun.

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Huh, interesting. Given that he's bleating to a married woman via the internet, .

 

 

He didn't know whether I was still married or not when he contacted me, and its one of the first things he asked. We continued the conversation as friends. At this point I think he's having as much of an internal conflict as I am. Neither one of us has EVER been unfaithful to our marriage partners (his former, my current) before, but rather have been on the other side of this. I guess its something one cannot understand unless its happened to them.

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Both you and your husband have been unhappy for years. But you stayed with it.

 

Your boyfriend from your youth married someone else because he loved her , didnt want to wait for you to finish school...sadly she died after a long marriage.

 

It is very typical for people in mid life to look back on their lives and have regret. To wonder what if. To long for their lost youth and what might have been. Everyone does. These days, with the INTERNET it seems like every person in the crisis that accompanies middle age is hooking up with their Lost True Love.

 

Sounds like your friend was happy to touch bases, but you are going a bit over the edge here.

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Yes, but knowing he married 20 yrs ago.

 

Not thinking straight. Actually that was 25 years ago. His marriage lasted 20 yrs. He's been 5 yrs divorced.

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Your boyfriend from your youth married someone else because he loved her , didnt want to wait for you to finish school...sadly she died after a long marriage.

 

She didn't die, but played around.

 

Here is a direct quote from one of his emails... "You should know that I feel that I should have had more patience when you needed space for school. I look back and think if I was more mature I could have maintained a relationship with you and I would have had freedom to do things still. I see how others kept relationships going for years and then when things were right they got serious again"

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I think people who post here should be forewarned that if you're 50 or older and a woman, don't bother because your experience is thought of as nothing more than a mid life crisis event.

 

My parents were separated when I was 7 (dad an alcoholic) and my mother reared 4 kids on her own. I knew that I was never going to leave my kids without a father knowing how important the father is and kept my marriage together.

 

My mother remarried at age 53 and has had a great marriage for the past 18 years. Life did not end in her 50s, but got a lot better.

 

Not that that has anything to do with me... point being that life doesn't end for women when they turn 50.

 

I think the ageism is ugly here and am getting very turned off from posting at this place.

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GorillaTheater
I think people who post here should be forewarned that if you're 50 or older and a woman, don't bother because your experience is thought of as nothing more than a mid life crisis event.

 

My parents were separated when I was 7 (dad an alcoholic) and my mother reared 4 kids on her own. I knew that I was never going to leave my kids without a father knowing how important the father is and kept my marriage together.

 

My mother remarried at age 53 and has had a great marriage for the past 18 years. Life did not end in her 50s, but got a lot better.

 

Not that that has anything to do with me... point being that life doesn't end for women when they turn 50.

 

I think the ageism is ugly here and am getting very turned off from posting at this place.

 

Okay. Well, I'm 47 and I'm curious: in what way do you feel the posters have been unfair to you?

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jennie-jennie

Mareile, go for it! Divorce your husband and hook up with your long lost love. You are in for the time of your life. Don't waste this opportunity of love. You know this man is worth it. You know who he is.

 

As you might remember, I am in an EMR with my long lost love. These years have been indescribable. We fit so well together. I don't regret a day I spent with him.

 

MM and I are in our 50s too. He is all I ever dreamed of.

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