smarterthanbefore Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I have a question. A friend of mine found out a year ago that her husband was cheating on her. It was an emotional affair mostly, with sex that happened about 3 times he told her. The affair lasted about 6 months with an ex-coworked ( her husband quit his job at my friends demand and went immediately no contact ). The problem is, she is unable to have sex with her husband since the discovery. Before d-day, she said they had a very acive sex life ( 3-4 times a week ) and she was super attracted to him and would never turn him down for sex. Now the thought of him touching her makes her skin crawl. She said she can't get pas the sex he had with the OW. They have not had sex since d-day, but have they have tried. He has done every thing to show remorse and win back trust including giving up a lot of privacy ( e-mail, phone records, coming home at lunchtime ect.) She states she can't get the images out her head. They have done MC and gone to a preacher. Nothing is helping. She said she feels as if a third person is the bed with them and is thinking of filing for divorce. I don't know how to help her or what advise to give. She still loves him, but can't get past this. She has come to grips with the EA part, her H never told OW he loved her or made any promises. He just liked her flattery. I have been cheated on before, but broke up with him on the spot and did not look back, so I have no idea about reconcilliation and recovery to give her sound advise. Please help Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Well.. I'm afraid that nothing can be done.. no advices will help... She just seems to NOT want to get over it... in this case, they are better divorced.. then each one can move on.. If he shows remorse.. and does everything to win her back.. if she constantly pushes him away.. he'll go back.. simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smarterthanbefore Posted October 1, 2009 Author Share Posted October 1, 2009 Well.. I'm afraid that nothing can be done.. no advices will help... She just seems to NOT want to get over it... in this case, they are better divorced.. then each one can move on.. If he shows remorse.. and does everything to win her back.. if she constantly pushes him away.. he'll go back.. simple as that. For once I agree with you Lizzie, I could not even begin to try to get over my ex's cheating, or felt that I should have to try to get over it. I just didn't want to give her biased advise as I hate cheaters and people who become OW/OM, ( well, hate is a strong word, I don't hate them, I just don't respect them. ) But I do agree with you, she should leave. They are both miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Ditto, Lizzie is right on the money here. Obviously the BS's feelings about her husband were forever changed. Physical contact is one of the cornerstones of marriage. Replace that cornerstone with repulsion and the seeds of failure have been planted. It won't be long until the failure matures. I understand her feelings too. I shared them. Some things are not "liveable". Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Well.. I'm afraid that nothing can be done.. no advices will help... She just seems to NOT want to get over it... in this case, they are better divorced.. then each one can move on.. If he shows remorse.. and does everything to win her back.. if she constantly pushes him away.. he'll go back.. simple as that. I agree with Lizzie. If this rejection keeps up longer, I feel she won't have to worry about filing for D, he beat her to it. Sucks, but us men can only take rejection for so long. But, then again, he brought this upon himself so I don't feel sorry for him. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 In a lot of cases - I get why someone cheated. Maybe it was wrong but they were lacking something at home, it was obvious to their spouse and nothing got fixed. In this case she can't get past it because she shouldn't. Lets face it, they had a great relationship and she treated him super well and he then did this. If I were her I would simply see him as a guy who will cheat no matter what she does. I agree with Lizzie. If this rejection keeps up longer, I feel she won't have to worry about filing for D, he beat her to it. Sucks, but us men can only take rejection for so long. But, then again, he brought this upon himself so I don't feel sorry for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smarterthanbefore Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 My friend went to the lawyer her father got for her today and filed separation paper work. Her soon to be ex went to his parents and hers and told what happened and apologised to them. He then begged her to reconsider, but her mind is made up. She expressed thanks to all of you and will soon join this site for support as she go through this life changing event. She also would like to get some understanding of how a person could do something like this when all was well between them. Thank you guys for all your help. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 She also would like to get some understanding of how a person could do something like this when all was well between them. Thank you guys for all your help. She will never get a final answer to the question above. BS will give their impressions which will not match posts by WS, the thread from there will degrade. She just needs to get past wanting to know since the only person that can tell her is her soon to be ex. Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 She will never get a final answer to the question above. I disagree she will provided she is willing to put the time and effort. OP, your friend should not file for seperation (well she has every right) if she wants the answers. However it is a very painful process. It takes months and not weeks hence not a good idea to make major decisions in the first six months after a life changing event like this. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I disagree she will provided she is willing to put the time and effort. OP, your friend should not file for seperation (well she has every right) if she wants the answers. However it is a very painful process. It takes months and not weeks hence not a good idea to make major decisions in the first six months after a life changing event like this. The only person that can give her the answers she is looking for is the guy she is wanting to divorce. The folks here cannot give her answers that would tell here the why. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 The way I put the images of the sex out of my mind was to reclaim each and every sexual act from A-Z and make sure that it was mind blowing, sort of like raising my flag and retaking my territory - bad analogy I know, but it worked for me. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Why did he do it? Generalizations He wasn't totally emotionly into the marriage, and thought he could get away with it. For some even if they are eating chocolate cake every day, they get tired of it and relent to their lust and eat some angel food cake I was a confirmed bachelor, it just didn't make sense that I had to pick out just one sex partner for the rest of my life. I could be in a wonderful giving relationship, but that meant nothing to me, I was always on the prowl for the next flavor of the month. It was a game of seduction, chase, etc. First time sex can be most exciting I can recall being in a fantastic relationship, a very attractive woman who physically had every thing that attracted me as a male, pretty face, bedroom eyes, long legs, between the sheets, she was fantastic, some of the best sex I have ever experienced, intelectually we were more than equals, very stimulating conversations, she also had this ability to change her looks, by doing things with her hair, I once came home to a long hair sultry dressed blonde, it was like have a brand new girl friend. And yes she was falling in love with me, she would have made a wonderful wife and mother, we were together about 3 months. I traded down, I knew I was trading down, the only thing the new girl had was she was new. It doesn't make any sense now, but it did then Link to post Share on other sites
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