Is This An Emotional Affair?

[ajj]

Hi everyone. I have been reading the threads and just recently registered. I am impressed by the content.

 

My partner (or some would call significant other) had I what I considered an emotional affair with a friend from high school in April. She was visiting the country at the time. As far as I know she has returned to her home country since. However, my partner and I have never been able to get back on track since events and he moved out 5 days ago.

 

We tried 3 counseling sessions. When I brought up my partner's lying and his 180 degree change in character the day she stepped off the plane the counselor never confronted him on his lying (which at the time he wasn't denying) instead was more interested in his overbearing mother. It was infuriating. The counselor told me I seemed "intense." He wasn't accountable for his behavior in the present because he had an overbearing mother. I was contributing to the problem because I came across as "intense." That was how my partner justified calling me an offensive name stating "he was just matching intensity with intensity."

 

Prior to the emotional affair our relationship was strong. We laughed a lot. We discussed issues, we didn't fight over them. There were no secrets between us. I trusted him 100%.

 

After the other woman's arrival he treated me with contempt but she could do no wrong. Despite her appearance at my job (he brought her to my work the first night she was in the city) and awful comments about my clients having *serious* months long repercussions for me she could still do no wrong! She was haughty the one conversation I had with her about her behavior (which was more than some nasty comments). She also made some derisive comments about our relationship which led me to conclude he had told her unfavorable things about me. (Something he always strongly denies.) Eventually, with me present he called her on speaker phone and told her he wouldn't be able to see her until we worked out our problems. As far as I know they had no further contact but my gut keeps telling me to "watch out" not just for her but for any opportunity.

 

What's infuriating is how he re-writes history! More than anything that has happened his waffling has been the most hurtful. He admitted to having an emotional affair one day only to take it back the next. He had in his words "inappropriate boundaries" only later to take that back. "I'm passive agressive. No I'm not passive agressive. I only said that because you made me!" Believe me, the one time I observed them together (we went out for ice cream with two of my clients) she has serious issues with personal space and boundaries when it came to him. But of course it either never happened or "he created a bad situation." He has told me how much it hurt him I assasinated his character by making baseless assumptions and how could I even think he cheated on me. We had not discussed the issue in months (because of his refusal) until last night.

 

A month ago one of his lifelong friends hit on me at a party my partner was not present at. It was crude and blatant. At the time I didn't say anything to my partner. Last night I told him. He was outraged. I was confused by his reaction. His friend who is a known alcoholic and drug user makes a pass at me while under the influence and he's ready to write off a lifelong friend but his other "friend" who was rude to me, caused me problems professionally, treated him like her slave (drive me here, buy me this) is still a friend in his mind that I kept him apart from.

 

Sometimes I'm not sure what to think. My gut tells me I'll always have trouble trusting him after watching him lie straight to my face and self-righteously re-write history always in his favor. Of course, it would be easier in the short term just to tell him how sorry I was that I overreacted, let him move back in, and go on about sacrificing my needs putting his ahead of mine. (Just like I did from the day he told her he wouldn't be able to see her until we worked our problems out until the day I asked him to move out.)

 

The name calling (a$$, b!tchy) of course is my fault, too. I'm reluctant to see another therapist. I was previously married to an abuser (and diagnosed sociopath- that came out later). We went to different therapists who did nothing but insist everything was my fault and if I would just cater to his every whim everything would be fine. It wasn't. I was beat and left for dead. That was years ago and I'm still putting my life back together. (I moved halfway across the country leaving my possessions behind, changed careers, take many steps to make sure I'm not found, etc.) Financially, I was decimated. I will be rebuilding financially for years.

 

Am I overreacting because of my previous abusive marriage? My ex-husband cheated on my phsycially many, many times with less warning signs than what my current partner displayed during his "inappropriate boundaries". The name calling is what finally motivated me to make him move out. Right now, we're still committed and trying to work things out. I don't want to make another mistake. I don't want to end up cutting all ties to the past, starting over in a new profession, moving halfway across the country again just to get away from another abuser. I barely survived (emotionally, physically) the first time. I promised myself I would *never* put myself in that situation again even if it meant that I would be single for the rest of my life and working two full time jobs.

 

I don't feel like I can be objective right now. There are times when I feel we are emotionally connected, and making progress, only to be set back. (Again, that's all my fault according to him. I have a tendency to overreact.) He's manipulated my friends into thinking he's some kind of wimp. They have no idea what goes on at home. Also, while I love my friends, their relationships are nothing what I would want for myself.

 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and respond. Bless you.

[foreal]

Am I overreacting because of my previous abusive marriage?

 

NO. Why the hell is an ex visiting him anyway? And why is her feelings more important than yours?

 

Look up the term Gaslighting if you are unfamiliar with it...that is what he's doing.

 

I am sorry, but your SO sounds like he indeed has an EA going with this old flame and then he minimizes it and your feelings while trying to make you feel like YOU have done something wrong.

 

It is slow on weekends here so don't be discouraged if not many people respond right away!!

[freestyle]

Welcome to LS< ajj!

 

I feel your pain very keenly, I`ve been through a very similar situation, and it`s devastating.

 

I don`t have time to write as much as I`d like at the moment,but one thing really glared out at me that I`d like to address:

 

"...It would be easier in the short term just to tell him how sorry I was that I overreacted..............................................."

 

 

Please think carefully about how you`ll end up feeling if you choose that course. I think you`ll be very angry with yourself if you do.

 

Never apologize for how you feel, it`s like apologizing for the truth.......

 

From what I read , your feelings are more than justified in this scenario.

And yet your H is completely invalidating your point of view, as if you don`t have any right.He`s treating your feelings as if they were irrelevant. I`ve encountered theories that this level of invalidation is a form of severe emotional abuse.

 

Please stand your ground when comes to your OWN feelings, it`s your inalienable right. (and you`ll feel stronger when you plant your feet down firmly)

 

I`d like to recommend reading "Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass". See if you can get your H to read it also.It`s very eye-opening.

 

Take care-be strong

[whirlygig]

"...It would be easier in the short term just to tell him how sorry I was that I overreacted..............................................."

---

 

I feel your pain and by all means, you are right to react as you have. It sounds to me like he is manipulating you to ease his own guilt, so he won't have to confront himself and his own flaws. I agree with the poster who said this is gaslighting. And it hurts... I've been there.

 

I was in a similar situation with my WH a few years ago and ended up doing much what you are considering, taking the easiest short term way to getting past things. (ha, easiest for him!) While I sure as heck didn't apologize for overreacting, I did internalize a lot of guilt for what I then believed led him to the EA. And I tried my best to work on the marriage (fully knowing my emotional needs were going neglected by him).

 

But.... 3 years later I can tell you it just didn't work- not for me and not for the marriage. The issues are STILL there, that sense that WH didn't make amends, that he lied, that he is no longer trustworthy, and that he refused to discuss or delve into how his behavior had made me feel. And, he has continued with inappropriate boundaries if not more EAs.

 

All to say, every situation and relationship is different and you need to look into your heart for answers to yours, but Trust Yourself!! Listen to your gut. And don't compromise your own principles.

 

Take care of yourself first.

[ajj]

Thank you, Foreal for telling me not to get discouraged- it's a weekend and can be slow. You're kind. I want to clear up a misconception. She was not an ex-flame. She was an exchange student for one year and they attended the same high school together. Later, he spent six weeks staying with her at her parents' home in her country during college. His mother told me she never saw any indication they were involved. He told me that she always had boyfriends. This visit to the States was the first time she had never been involved with someone. At least that is what he told me. I guess it doesn't really matter now.

 

Freestyle and Whirlygig thank you for taking the time to read such a long post and take time to reply. I was quite emotional when I posted it. Whirlygig, thank you for sharing your experience.

 

I was bending over backwards with internalized guilt catering to his every wish. If only I were a better partner, this was just an aberration, if I just ignore this it will go away. I redecorated the home I had before he moved in to suit his tastes (almost completely at my expense), bought him many gifts, took unpaid time off from work to be with him, did the majority of the running of the household (though at the time I was often working 70 hour work weeks including times that required me to be away from home for the weekend), asked very little of him. Instead of being grateful he told me he didn't want gifts he wanted my affection. He was there picking out exactly what he wanted and watching me pay for it! You're right that the issues didn't get resolved. The hurt is still there with layers of resentment on top of them.

 

The day I asked him to move out started out seemingly normal enough. I discovered he had used my nicest towels (again!) to dust his desk with. The combination of polish and dust are stains that can't be removed. The first time this happened he promised he would replace them. Of course he didn't. The second time it happened I was angry. He called me b!tchy for being angry. I won't be insulted in my own home. Of course he keeps insisting that I deserved it.

 

Because my emotions are so high I can't be objective about my own situation. It helps so much to have feedback. No one wants to let go of a dream. That's what I had. A dream of us as life partners who loved, respected, and admired each other. The reality is there is disrespect and contempt in relationship and these problems won't go away just by being "nice." I have lost respect for myself over the last several months.

 

Thank you for letting me express myself here.

[freestyle]

that`s what we're here for. Keep posting if you need to.And please consider reading the book I recommended.You`ll find out that the emotions you`re experiencing right now are completely normal, and that you don`t need to be second-guessing yourself.

 

If you are wishing to save your R, it will also explain ;step-by-step, the process you both must go through to rebuild.

[whirlygig]

I was bending over backwards with internalized guilt catering to his every wish. If only I were a better partner, this was just an aberration, if I just ignore this it will go away. .....

 

The day I asked him to move out started out seemingly normal enough. I discovered he had used my nicest towels (again!) to dust his desk with. The combination of polish and dust are stains that can't be removed. The first time this happened he promised he would replace them. Of course he didn't. The second time it happened I was angry. He called me b!tchy for being angry. I won't be insulted in my own home. Of course he keeps insisting that I deserved it.

 

--- I understand the bending over backwards. I ended up giving more 'fun' sex than had been in my comfort zone, thinking that is what he wanted. And he loved it. So while I worked to do for him, he did NOT do the same for me in areas I wanted to see improvements. I was sort of a doormat but just didn't see it that way for quite a while.

 

Speaking of doormats- he was literally using you that way re the nice towels to dust with. How blatantly passive-aggressive can he get? Nothing accidental there, I am betting. And then calling you bitchy when you weren't happy about. Honey, that is BullS***, through and through.

I am feeling angry with you!

[ajj]

I've been reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. What an awesome book! So much of what I'm feeling, thinking and doing has been described so clearly. It's a relief.

 

I have had some conversations with my erstwhile partner. I was telling him about the book I was reading. He said I made many insightful statements. We live apart but allegedly remain committed to working out our relationship and hopefully living together again one day.

 

I love what she writes about resistance. So true! Some days I wish I had my partner and best friend back the way it was before everything happened. Other days I feel like we have more issues than an emotional affair and we're a lost cause.

 

I just cannot get out of my head (yes, the book covers this) the horrible things his "friend" said to me about how we had tension and none of this was her fault. He told me that she makes very quick judgements about people, that's just who she is yet none of her boyfriends ever stay with her because accordinding to her they don't want to put up with her drama. Little wonder.

 

Tonight he told me that he has had no contact with her whatsoever since the phone conversation he told her he needed to work on our relationship. As far as he knows she returned to her home country as planned. However, he will not remove her from ICQ or ignore an e-mail from her should he get one. He says he has few friends and wants to hold on to the ones he has. The only thing he did agree to that if she were to start sharing her uninformed opinions about me or my character he would shut her down.

 

While he admits he understands how calling me names will cut me to the core he will then go back to stating how he will defend himself if attacked. The towels were and honest mistake. The first time I could see him being a clumsy oaf. I guess. The second time, no. But how dare I accuse him of things he didn't do. He says he can't stand that!

 

So here I am, loving this book, it helps to know I'm not alone, not the only one who has had to deal with "just" an emotional affair, that my reactions are typical of someone who is dealing with something like this. Still more afraid than ever I'll lose my partner and best friend.

 

Thank you again for reading this and understanding.

[freestyle]

Glad the book helped. I can hear a difference in you already.You`re not out of the woods yet, as far as healing your R, yet, I'm hearing an increased confidence in your tone, based on your most recent post.

 

Have you asked your SO to read it too?

[eeyore1981]

I have really struggled to try to respond to this thread. I have made so many mistakes.

 

Ajj, I have been where you are now, and that was many, many years ago. I wasn't as educated on what this stuff was, and did not have the tools to educate myself that are available today. I was also dealing with a lot of my own issues, as you are, such as previously being abused (my father) and was unable to determine if it was me or him.

 

Many, many years later, I have been through these things with him over and over. I agree with previous poster, this is emotional abuse.

 

The only advice I have for you is if HE is not willing to recognize his abusive behavior and put a stop to it, this will not get any better. You can't fix him, and I have no clue how to twist yourself in a way that makes this okay. 25 years of this for me, and it has never been okay.

[Owl]

Tell your partner that you completely understand, and that of course it's entirely his choice to keep her as his "friend'. He doesn't have to delete her off ICQ, he doesn't have to block her calls/emails/whatever.

 

But in that case, he DOES need to delete YOU from his friends list if that's his choice.

 

Because YOU are no longer willing to accept this from him. If he wants to value her 'friendship' over your 'partnership'...well, you can't/won't stop him, but that doesn't mean that you're willing to be 'second best' in his life.

 

You deserve someone who will put you first...it's that simple.

 

Make sure that he clearly sees what he's losing with this choice. Dress up nice for that discussion...wear his favorite perfume....you get the idea.

 

And don't cry when you tell him this. Make it clear that you WILL move on if he won't end his 'friendship' with her.

 

PERIOD.

[ajj]

Thank you everyone who has read this and posted.

 

While the book "Not Just Friends" was very helpful validating that I wasn't crazy or imagining things (as well as reading threads here) and that I'm not the only person who felt this way I'm no longer interested in rebuilding with him.

 

Possibly it would have been nice if I had put on my best dress on and perfume and looked so awesome and gently explained without tears however ultimately it would have been a waste of expensive perfume and time.

 

He hung up on me on the phone tonitght. How dare I have hurt feelings when he's so perfect; how dare I not put him first each and every time and be grateful when he deigns to acknowledge me as a person, how dare I see any acknowledgement of myself as a separate human being with needs and feelings (and only after his needs or because his needs were met first) is an act of great generosity on his part. He didn't say it exactly like that but would have been less hurtful in the long run if he had.

 

Instead I called him back and he confirmed he had in fact hung up and started lecturing me and patronizing me and I just snapped. I just kept saying I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. I told him we would deal with what few ties we have left later but I'm done. All he could say is "Very well."

 

I zeroed in on what he called "inappropriate boundaries" or what everyone else calls an emotional affair and in all likelihood a physical affair when in fact there were bigger problems than that. It wasn't a symptom of a failing relationship. It was a symptom of a self-involved person. I can see so many other symptoms now.

 

We both work for the same company. He wasn't particularly well regarded because of his selfish attitudes. I was highly regarded and lost respect from higher ups not by having an intra-company romance but having one with him. His OW's comments insulting my clients set off a domino effect damaging me further. I have been in my current field less than two years.

 

Still, I was able to obtain a job offer from a company with a better reputation than the company we both met at. So this hasn't completely destroyed me. I'm working on ending the ties with the company we met at (currently I'm working for both). Some damage can be repaired and some damage cannot.

 

These threads are very helpful. I go through thread after thread of "He/She had an EA/PA and we went to therapy and now years later He/She is at it again!" I know what I want and it is not to put myself through that. Even "Not Just Friends" is clear on if he shows more concern for the other woman's feelings than your hurt and pain he might not have enough empathy for his wife/partner to make the relationship work.

 

Thank you for the support these forums provide. I don't remember how I found this site but I'm surely glad I did.

[LakesideDream]

Tell your partner that you completely understand, and that of course it's entirely his choice to keep her as his "friend'. He doesn't have to delete her off ICQ, he doesn't have to block her calls/emails/whatever.

 

But in that case, he DOES need to delete YOU from his friends list if that's his choice.

 

Because YOU are no longer willing to accept this from him. If he wants to value her 'friendship' over your 'partnership'...well, you can't/won't stop him, but that doesn't mean that you're willing to be 'second best' in his life.

 

You deserve someone who will put you first...it's that simple.

 

Make sure that he clearly sees what he's losing with this choice. Dress up nice for that discussion...wear his favorite perfume....you get the idea.

 

And don't cry when you tell him this. Make it clear that you WILL move on if he won't end his 'friendship' with her.

 

PERIOD.

 

 

Damn Owl, That's just about the most concise and correct thing I've read here in awhile. You are wise. For an Army Puke you impress me.

[Owl]

Thanks LD. I try. You give out some pretty solid advice as well. You're alright for a jarhead too!