Dealing with the ex

[Wifenumbertwo]

When my husband and I first got married, I went into the marriage not realizing the close relationship he still had with his first wife. They have a long history together of adultery (on her part) two children that are his, another child that was born during their marriage that he THOUGHT was his and raised as his, but was another man's. 'Nuff said.

 

They talk to each frequently, (when I'm not around), they also communicate by text messages, e-mail, he sends her CD's in the mail, movies. In essence, they are very, very close, but all this is done behind my back. I find this things out AFTER the fact and it has made me very insecure and I am unable to trust him. We've gone over this issue time and again and he still insists they are just friends, but I believe his feelings are more. Yes, I believe he does love me, but I can't get past the lies he's told in the past. How the hell can you forgive but also forget?

[quankanne]

how long have you been married to the guy? I think it's perfectly normal to be insecure about what you have with your husband, especially if he's still on good speaking terms with her and she lives nearby. But, there comes a time when you tell yourself that it's self-defeating to be jealous of their relationship when YOU are the one who "has" him. While my DH's ex-wives (and former girlfriends) are all out of state, it was still hard for me to get past the jealousy, but gradually I did, though it's probably going to be much much harder for you since she's there. Just put more stock into the love he has for you, and not the jealous feelings you've got. In the meanwhile, explain as many times as you need to, that you would rather not hear about his communicating with her [color=darkred]after the fact[/color], because that only makes you feel worse. At some point he's going to get it into his head that he's causing you pain by doing this and he'll be better about it (at least theoretically ).

 

Something I'd read in a religious magazine about forgiving and forgetting has stuck with me: while it's hard to forget a wrong someone has done to you, you've got to try to forgive them for what happened. Even if it feels like you're doing it over and over and over for the same thing and nothing's happening, you gradually begin to realize that the act of forgiving is much more important than actually forgetting what's happened.

[Tony T]

In this particular case, it's hard to forgive and forget because it's an ongoing situation. It wouldn't be so bad but for the fact that his ex has shown she doesn't have any problem with adultery.

 

The situation stinks but since your husband and his ex have children together you can't ask him to cut things off. Your hubby is a snake for not having told you of his close relationship to his ex and for continuing to do all sorts of things behind your back.

 

I'm sure you've told him to cut this to a minimum and that has only served to make him go behind your back more. He isn't much more than a kid and you need an adult for a mate.

 

My vote is to dump the bxstard...things aren't going to get any better and you aren't going to get any younger. Go find somebody a lot more honest and a bit more loyal...somebody who will put you number one, way out front.

[Wifenumbertwo]

It's easier said than done. Do I want to give up the good things that we do have? Do I want to go through a second divorce? Do I want to take a two-parent home away from our son? We've been married for 4 years. This is my only major complaint. I have asked her (his ex) to have some respect and not call whenever she feels like it (she will sometimes call at 12:00 a.m. and thereafter, especially if she's had a few too many). But that only seems to make her nastier. I love my stepdaughters, we have a very close relationship. It just seems like this issue is a thorn in my side, I can't let it go, obviously because it keeps happening.

[Tony T]

A toothache can be a person's only major issue. But I seriously doubt there are many people who would want to keep living with it.

 

Only you can decide if you can continue in a marriage where you feel your husband has strong feelings and possible involvement with an ex wife.

 

I don't think I could live with a person who had a history of lying and a strong fondness for an ex wife who had adulterous inclinations.

 

You have a tough decision to make. I hope what you decide is comfortable with you. I personally have a low tolerance for crap of any kind in my life and I don't care how much I have to go through to eliminate it...but that's just me.

[Wifenumbertwo]

I've always been a "weak soldier" when it comes to dealing with unpleasantries in life. I know I deserve better, but I do really love him. I know they have a long history together, but sometimes I feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm going to say *&%$ it and kick him out the door. I've forgiven him for a lot and he's well aware of that, but my problem is that I tend to dredge up the past arguments everytime there is a current argument.

[TheCrawfordsNM]

Hi there! My vote on this, speaking from experience, is to get the hell out of it now before you get hurt worse. I assure you, from the things you have said, he is sleeping with her. Trust your instincts. I didn't trust mine and it bit me in the Xss! Women's intuition is usually correct and things will only get worse, not better. Granted, he has kids with this woman (I have kids with my ex too) but the ONLY things they should talk about is the kids...period. As soon as my ex starts talking about other things or asking me how I am I respect my husband and tell him that if he is done talking about the kids that I need to go. There is NO reason for him to have any type of relationship or friendship with her. He doesn't have to be rude to her but there is certainly no excuse for him sending her music, movies and all that crap. I would sit him down and lay it all on the line. Tell him how much it hurts you, that this is his last chance, and if being all chummy with her is more important to him than you and his son he can go back to her. You deserve so much better! He doesn't respect you at all or he would not hurt you this way. How would he like it if you started sending things to your ex-hubby and calling him, etc. Ask him! Good luck to you but remember that life is short and your son can sense when his Mommy is sad or unhappy. Is it better for him to have his Dad there all the time and his Mommy unhappy and stressed out or to have his parents apart and see his Mommy be treated with love and respect from a better man that what your husband seems to be. Tell him how it is and if it doesn't cease immediately, get out. And, if you find him sneaking behind your back about anything else RUN as fast as you can to a divorce lawyer! Take care!

[ThisGirlNameKD]

My question to you would be, in an ideal setting, what kind of contact would you like for her to have with your husband? What's considered minimum to you? Or is it that you don't want both of them to have any contact at all?

[Just A Girl2]

Hi KD, not meaning to butt in at all...just read your response and I get the impression that YOU got the impression that the original poster maybe resents her ex having *any* contact with his ex wife? Is that correct? If so, I surely didn't get that impression at all.

 

She obviously knew he had children with his ex (her now stepdaughters) from the start and I'm willing to bet that she's understanding of the need for contact between them related to their children.....but it seems more than apparent to me that both her hubby and his ex, are crossing the line majorly, and in the process, her hubby is disrespecting HER.

 

What business does his ex have, to be calling there whenever she wants and at MIDNIGHT? I'm highly doubting most Moms need to call their ex at ungodly hours, regarding their children.

 

And why must he be sending his ex things such as CDs, movies, etc....what's up with that?

 

What's even crazier, is the fact that this "ex" cheated on him......yet he seems to having a significant amount of contact with her, contact that extends past the amount required for "co-parents".........what's really going on there?

 

I'm sure the original poster doesn't expect her hubby to be rude or bitter to his ex, but it seems really obvious that he's crossing major boundaries.

 

I've been in 3 relationships with men who had ex wives, and children together, and although I wasn't married to them, it could be tough. I totally understood and respected the need for both of them to maintain contact relating to the children......but beyond that, no way. One of the men I dated, who I had lived with briefly, he made it very clear (although his ex wife was remarried) that she was his "best friend"......and it became apparent over time that he would often turn to her as best friends do.......she was a very good person and I never worried that she'd leave her new hubby and go back with him, but I did feel very left out and I grew to resent the fact that I should have been his best friend. With him, even though he'd been divorced for 3 yrs, I don't think he ever really got 'over' his ex wife.....he was the one who destroyed their marriage (he cheated and left her while she was pregnant with their second child, of course I didn't find all this out until after I'd been with him for several months, he had told me a very 'different' version of why they'd split up)......and I think in his heart, he regretted his mistakes and wanted his "family" back. I would have always been 'second place', which was part of the reason (one of many reasons) why I ended our relationship.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd toss in my 2 cents.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Thanks for your view on the matter. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Actually, I didn't so much get the impression that she didn't want him to have any contact with his ex, I was wondering to what extend did she want them to have contact. Because sometimes people in this situation may have unreasonable expectations as to how much they want their mate to have contact with their ex. Some people actually do (secretly) prefer that they had ill feelings toward their ex. It would seem better in that instance than if they were still on friendly ground, because atleast with them having ill feelings toward each other, you know there's no chance that they'd be getting back together if they don't even like each other.

 

But I do think what her mate is doing is inappropriate. Boundaries definitely have to be set. I was just wondering what she felt would be appropriate boundaries.

[Wifenumbertwo]

Just a girl - I think you hit the button right on the nose. They consider each other to be best friends, and they turn to each other when the going gets rough.

 

This Girl Named KD - I feel their conversations should be about the children. You can be friends and friendly with someone without talking for 10-20 minutes at a time. I too have an ex and I definitely don't talk to him about anything but the kids, and wouldn't even bother. But then we aren't friends anymore. I don't expect him NOT to be friends with his ex, in fact I think it's healthy for the kids to see that they can still communicate and be friends, but there's a point when it goes too far.

 

Honestly, I think he does still have feelings for her and won't admit it.

 

I never mentioned in my original post that she is one state over. It's not like they can see each other in person. But even with that being said, there's no reason for the late night calls, unless it's an emergency with the girls, or the cute little messages, etc.

[Pookette]

My husband is good friends with his ex-wife. It doesn't bother me at all because:

 

1: She remarried shortly before he and I married.

 

2: She is a very religious person.

 

3: He made it quite clear to me at the beginning of our relationship that he still loved her and still thought of her as a friend.

 

4: I've met her a few times, and although she still loves him, I'm sure, she respects our relationship.

 

They don't have any human children, but they did have two cats together. I guess that's the closest thing you can get to children!

Yeah, it weirded me out at first, because he would go over and visit her when I was out with friends, at work...etc. But he always told me what they talked about and stuff like that. He knew I was worried at first. He even would take me with him when he went over there, although I declined most times so she would not feel strange.

 

I don't know if this will help, but I thought I'd throw out my personal experiences here.

[TheCrawfordsNM]

I hate to say this, but I truly think you are fooling yourself about their relationship. When I was first reading your post, I thought, "OK, they have kids, that's very mature of them"...THEN, I got to the part where they have NO KIDS and thought "This girl is in SERIOUS denial". They are divorced, no longer married, both remarried to other people and have NO kids...there is NO reason what-so-ever that they should be hanging out together at all. AND you should not be putting up with it! Your husband is totally disrespecting you. Whatever the reason they got divorced is...obviously they shouldn't have. In your post, you state that he told you from the beginning that he still loved her and you openly admit that she still loves him??? HELLO??? And you are still letting them hang out together? You are BEGGING for trouble. I could see if they had children...that's one thing...but they don't! It seems like your man still has his heart somewhere else...and ultimately, in the long run, YOUR the one who's going to end up being hurt. She was there before you and she'll probably be there after you. You are lowering your standards and accepting the fact that seeing her and being with her is more important to him than respecting you. He either needs to put the past behind him or go back to his past and let you find a man who will give you 100% of himself. You are being cheated here and he has convinced you that you are being understanding and accepting their relationship. He has given you no other choice. I'll bet if you gave him an ultimatum of choosing you or her...you'd be facing a lot of lonely nights. Don't you deserve better???

[Wifenumbertwo]

Pookette, I guess I wouldn't have the feelings I do if he had been up front from the beginning about them still being close friends, instead it's continued behind my back. She too is remarried, but cheats on her current husband as well. I do think it's healthy for the kids for their parents to still get a long post-divorce; however, the difference in situations here is that she has NO respect whatsoever for our marriage. She still views him as her husband and her property.

 

TheCrawfords (I too am in the Land of Enchantment ), you have me confused with Pookette, I think.

[Pookette]

The Crawfords:

 

I don't think I am being cheated in any sense of the word. I have read your posts and you still have feelings for your ex-husband, correct? They may be feelings of anger and resentment, but feelings they are nonetheless.

 

I am friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. Does that mean I am going to leave my husband for one of them? NO. Most of my friends are guys and I love them as friends. Does that mean I am going to leave my husband for one of them? NO.

 

I know that he loves and respects her AS A FRIEND. I see nothing wrong with that. When a divorce is amicable like theirs was, there is no rule stating that divorced people have to hate each other.

 

Wifenumbertwo:

 

I am sorry for the problems you are having with this woman. Although I have no experience with ex-wives, I do with ex-girlfriends in past relationships. Ugh. Having no kids myself and no experience with this, I'll toss this out there. Could you get some sort of restraining order against her? Again, I don't know how that would affect such things as whatever custody matters they have worked out, but...? What does her husband feel about her contacting her ex all the time? Could he crack down on her?

[Wifenumbertwo]

If her husband knew, it would blow his mind. He would have serious issues with it. She only calls if she's at work, or from her cell phone if she is not around him. Have I thought of telling him? Of course, but I don't want to be the one to cause problems in THEIR marriage, although I wish I had more guts to be a bitch lol.

[TheCrawfordsNM]

I think you SHOULD tell her husband! YOU would not be the one causing problems in her relationship...SHE is the one who chooses to keep contacting him. And I always put myself in the other persons shoes...if you were him, wouldn't you want to know? You might save him some heartache in the future. He deserves better than her it seems. I don't think telling him is being a Bitch at all...I think it's being honest and truthful...so what if it affects her...she should've thought of that beforehand. She is the Bitch.

[Pookette]

Hmmm...

 

It would be a bit obvious, but perhaps a letter from a "Concerned Friend"?

 

Perhaps you know someone who knows someone who could slip a word in his ear?

 

I have a problem being a b*tch too, but I have found there are ways to get around this

[Wifenumbertwo]

I could care less how it affects her - it's the impact on the kids that it would have. If he knew she was doing what she was doing, he would kick her ass to the curb, which is why I hesitate to say anything to him. I'm too damn nice sometimes.